I’ve been noticing lately that I’ve found a new flaw to obsess over in my body and it’s quite ridiculous, because I can see from the outside what’s going on. This wasn’t a flaw to me before, I in fact found it quite beautiful, but then I realised that it’s a flaw in the eyes of the outside world. First, I tried to make absolutely sure that it is in fact a flaw, and ever since I’ve confirmed (?) that, I’ll catch myself thorough the day, telling myself things like “well, obviously I know this is quite disgusting, but I’ve made peace with it. It’s disgusting though. Disgusting. But I’ve found I don’t mind that much, really” — as in, I can feel my inner monologue (unprompted, btw) trying to shift my self perception to the outside perception, while framing my former love for this “flaw” as vague affection that I’ve managed to work up to. It’s so insidious, and quite interesting to watch. Whenever I come into contact with that perceived flaw, I’ll break from whatever I was thinking for a little moment to go “but obviously, this is disgusting.” — reassuring the unseen other that I’m well aware that they would perceive this aspect of my body as disgusting.
