This post contains major spoilers for Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha (2004), and Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha: The Movie 1st (2010).
Somewhere back in the late 2000s, when I was probably about 16, I watched Nanoha, and really, really enjoyed it. I had no clue what I was going into when I started it, which allowed for its major twists to really blow me away. I loved the way it broke out of the traditional monster of the week format about half way in and became a space opera about the relationship between its two main characters, Nanoha and Fate, who I became pretty invested into the yuri ship culture online for a time. When the movie came out shortly after, I loved it too, given it was such a stunning visual upgrade compared to the admittedly somewhat inconsistent animation quality of the TV series.
I’ve enjoyed Magical Girl shows as long as I can remember liking anime, and have revisited and found new appreciation for some of of the ones I enjoyed when I was younger (Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, etc); but for one reason or another, I’ve not been back to revisit Nanoha since I watched it all back in the late 2000s, besides occasionally rewatching the movies or showing them to friends. I could dedicate an entire post to why I had a hangup about going back to watch it for almost 20 years, but for expediency’s sake, let’s just say that I had generally struggled to feel like my fondness for it was more than a comfy memory of my first yuri ship; that I wasn't going to find anything more than a clumsier, less visually appealing version of the movies. The convenience factor of the movies compressing 13 episodes into a single 2 hour sitting meant they ended up replacing the TV series for me, and gradually overwrote my memory and understanding of the story and characters until I completely forgot that there were any significant differences between them. I had the position that Nanoha was a cool, influential show but other series had taken its ideas and done more with them. I felt that there was so much going on with the drama and characters in more modern series like Madoka Magica to the point that even trying to do a serious analysis would not be worth the time and only make me like Nanoha less.
The announcement of a new TV anime for the series during its 20th anniversary and a few other events surrounding it fortunately helped me come to my senses; after all, I’d already done the same thing for other things I’d loved a lot when I was younger and only come away loving them more. I resolved to try to give the entire series a fair, serious re-evaluation. I appreciate immensely the recommendation of a manga based off the 1st movie with a slightly altered series of events (thanks Takamomchi!). It was only 2 volumes long, but I found it elaborated on and delved into a subject I’d often found difficult to fully understand; what kind of person is Nanoha Takamachi? What connects the different, almost seemingly contradictory elements of her character, someone who embodies both the kind, gentle nature of a magical girl opposed to conflict, and the confrontational, competitive behavior of an ace pilot?
Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha Movie 1st the Comics - Hasegawa Kouji
I found the portrayal in the manga of Nanoha as a girl whose motivations and behaviors are deeply connected to her own childhood trauma to be intriguing and compelling, especially in the ways it created a contrast with her counterpart in Fate (whose trauma is a central narrative set piece of the story). But, the first movie did not seem to have any of this content about Nanoha! Did the manga invent it? Were the rare allusions to Nanoha having serious self esteem problems, culminating in the finale of the 4th movie, something that had been lost in the transition to the cinematic format?
Well, Yes!
Nanoha's malaise
I was shocked on rewatching at how much of the TV series was dedicated to something that was almost entirely cut from the movies; how uneasy, uncomfortable, and unsure of herself Nanoha is, how her friends and family view that side of her, and how hard she tries to not let them worry about her. Nanoha doesn’t suddenly become a more confident or capable person on unlocking her magical potential either, it’s only when Nanoha meets Fate that something about her starts to change, and her behavior feels a lot like a redirected expression of her previously emphasised complicated feelings! Even the lyrics of the opening, Innocent Starter, a song about shutting the world out and hiding behind a comfortable lie, that previously I’d always perceived as a song from the pov of Fate, now felt like it could equally apply to both of them!
Nanoha, far from feeling inadequate or simplistic on a revisit was only making me realise how and why it had such a big influence on many other emotionally intense, pain fueled stories in the genre that followed after it.
The final scene on the pier in the last episode that has always made me cry whenever I watched it. Going through the TV series and watching it again, it was stuck in my head for days afterward. I thought a lot about why it impacts me so much. And it helped make a few final important pieces really click for me about Nanoha herself, and why this scene means a lot to me.
You have warm hands...
I think this scene stands out a lot because it is a scene of contrasts, where Fate (stoic, love starved) is engaging with positive emotions and smiling and feeling uplifted whilst Nanoha (expressive, from a loving environment) is breaking down and crying, she's experiencing catharsis.
It's relatively easy to intuitively understand why Fate is smiling. She is expressing agency and reaching out and engaging with someone she perceives as an equal, and getting positive feedback. (She has had good influences in her life like Rynith and Arf, but as familiars, they by default serve and respect their master.) Fate's only source of affection from another human was her mother for the first days of her life and implanted memories that she comes to understand are fake. Her mother abused her in ways that made her view engaging with others as transactional; conditional affection was perpetually set on requirements that she could never meet. The only reason she was willing to believe that her mother would ever love her again is the faint memory of it once happening. She was incapable of trusting anyone else because of her trauma, and viewed herself as not even worthy of being cared for.
Fate is now experiencing what it feels like to move past her trauma and take a chance on trusting someone, it going well (instead of her mother punishing her for even considering it), and being allowed to explore that feeling in a safe environment. She is learning what it means to feel joy by expressing vulnerability, and coming to know and feel that she is not alone. She is coming out of her shell.
But why is Nanoha crying? Well the surface read is that she is experiencing a sense of relief from the anxiety and worry held in her heart for Fate. This is true! But Nanoha's deeper childhood trauma is a huge element in what has driven her to this moment too. Nanoha does not start reaching out to Fate purely out of the kindness of her heart, and she does not continue to keep pushing to get through to her out of a sense of commitment or moral responsibility (although, yes, she is a kind girl with a strong sense of justice!).
Extremely normal things to think about someone who just nearly killed you
Nanoha sees something of herself in Fate from the very first time they meet. It's in her eyes. Nanoha becomes, quite frankly, obsessed with Fate, because despite everything, Nanoha is incredibly lonely too, and struggles to accept this fact about herself. Her life is so idyllic, how can she feel so uncomfortable? Why is she lonely? Because she doesn't feel like her own pain is valid, and thus never opens up about it.
It feels like a throwaway moment at first, but when Nanoha's brother and girlfriend discuss how she seems to be down lately, they talk about how Nanoha never talks about it when she's worried about something. It rounds off with a platitude about how she'll be fine/she'll figure it out.
oof
But she isn't fine, and she hasn't figured it out! Nanoha was traumatized by the circumstance of her father nearly dying from severe injuries, the impact that event had on her family, and the resulting circumstances of her upbringing (being left alone most of the day, every day as her mother works to support three children and her siblings look after and help their sick and overworked parents). She was isolated, felt like a burden, and became frustrated with her own inability to help her family cope with the situation. She still hasn't been able to move past that period of time in her life.
"I'm not lonely, because I'm used to it."
Across the TV series, we see her express this through frequent moments of internal discomfort and uneasiness, a simultaneous sense of disconnect and overwhelming responsibility to the people around her. Her frustration with herself turns into guilt and self loathing, her genki attitude starts to represent something she's desperately trying to be, so as to not make people not worry about her, rather than how she feels deep down. In turn, the seemingly contradictory behaviors she expresses in her competitiveness and refusal to back down from a fight (to a self destructive extent), represent an expression of how heavily she feels the weight of her obligations to others, perpetually holding herself to a higher standard to push away the feelings of inadequacy.
Nanoha becomes fixated on Fate because she subconsciously understands that Fate is a way for her to come to understand herself. She feels compelled to reach out and understand her, and to have Fate understand her in turn, because Fate's trauma feels valid and close to hers, because Nanoha won't deny the feelings of others, only herself.
None of this dialogue is in the movie!
When Fate tells Nanoha, whilst wiping Nanoha's tears away
"I think I understand something now...when you see a friend crying, you feel the same sadness."
Nanoha begins to cry so hard she can barely stand. She feels seen. For the first time in her life, she feels like her pain is real and valid, because Fate is someone she can believe understands how she feels. Her internal self denial starts to turn off and the years of repressed pain are being let out and purged. She is learning what it means to experience relief and catharsis from sharing her vulnerability with someone else, just as Fate is learning to feel joy from sharing hers. Together, they are not alone.
A girl who has only ever been told she's not good enough, and a girl who has only ever told herself that she's not good enough; coming together to help each other break free from their painful pasts, and embrace a happier future together. What is love besides souls trying to heal each other?
Ah, I'm crying again...
When I first watched this show as a very queer repressed and depressed teenager, I don't think I understood how powerful what was going on here was. I don't think either Fate or Nanoha do in this moment either! But as their tears flowed, and so did mine, and I never forgot about it despite growing older and more distant from the source material.
It spoke to my own similar struggles then, trying to conform to something I wasn't, and crushed by weight of responsibilities I couldn't live up to; even though I didn't really understand what I was going through. And it speaks to me now as an adult, where I understand and have managed to overcome those struggles, something I was only able to do by putting my trust in my best friend and now wife Holly, who helped me to start to believe in myself.
...did I mention Holly's favourite colours are black and yellow...
Revisiting Nanoha in 2025 helped me understand something not just about Nanoha as a character, but myself. I'm really glad I came back to this show, and now more than ever, I think it will always hold a special place in my heart.
