#fatmatttoneoneo

[chasingdownmatt]

Update: 12/21/2013

Well, I didn't exercise precisely today, but a lot of positive talk from others, and yet negative self-talk.  I did, with the help of my brother, obtain a large and very heavy television from a friend and got it into the house and everything.  Along with that, I went to a winter solstice party (really, it was just a reason to get together). The main focus was stew, so I brought rolls and salad. Unfortunately, no one saw the salad until too late, other than myself. I did consume copious amounts of sugar because of the root beer offered. It's a brand I haven't had in five+ years, and I really like. However, it's also very, very sweet, but good. Strangely, while at the party, I didn't eat too much, and yet constantly felt overfull. I think it was because it was soup, and I just didn't realize how much I had actually eaten.  Now, I haven't seen this group of friends in about six months. All the ones that were overweight have slimmed down, and the one skinny guy has built muscle. That said, the skinny guy and everyone else made several comments either suggesting or straight out saying that I was probably the strongest guy there. In fact, the skinny guy said several times that he wishes he were me, because he can't pack on muscle or fat very easily. But, I could only thing of all the progress everyone else had made over the past few months. Two of the guys in particular used to be overweight and are now thin and gaining muscle. However, skinny guy did point out that I am endomorphic, so I have to gain fat and/or size to gain muscle, which, to my understanding, is true. 

[chasingdownmatt]

I realized some weird stuff about myself in the past few years or so...

I like cute, short girls, whether they're fat or thin.

All my past girlfriends share the same type of nose

I have some sort of oral fixation. I'm almost always eating something or contemplating eating something. If that's not it, then I'm playing with my beard or have my hands on my face in some other way. I never realized it until an ex pointed it out.

Despite my size, it takes a considerable amount of food to gain weight.

I'm crazy about local food. Not for the environmental issues, but just because it tastes better.

While I am a really good chef, I basically follow the same few techniques for all my cooking.

I get bored with everything very easily. Unfortunately, this even includes most people. 

I'm only nice because it's respectful. With people I don't need to respect, I'm a downright asshole.

There was a kid I made fun of in high school, and tried to apologize, but I couldn't find him. I feel guilty as hell about it.

I occasionally get caught in my mind, in a conflict of good and evil. I will depict one side of myself as a demon and the other as an angel. Both side has wings and immense strength, but each side has an advantage over the other. The angel has an immense amount of controlled strength and the demon has crazy chaos type strength. 

I often tap into these when I'm fighting. 

While I really like boxing and karate, my natural fighting instinct is closer to grappling. 

In a relationship, I want to be dominant in public, but submissive in private. I don't mind switching roles.

I have a problem with anger and sadness getting the best of me. While I hide it away, it makes me seem like I don't want to communicate when that's all I do want.

My mother has pointed out to me that I'm not empathetic, or, in other words, I don't show my love outwardly. This is actually a ruse I put on, because I love unbelievably amounts, but I don't want to seem clingy or like a wuss.

For whatever reason, my mind has been focus on being masculine as possible, ever since middle school. 

I am fat, and I can accept that. However, I would rather be skinny for many reasons. Unfortunately, one of those reasons are that, for a really long time, I thought it would make me happy. Someone had to specifically tell me that it wouldn't before I understood it, but it's still something I often think is true.

My twin brother and I have felt lonely for the longest time. However, if I was offered the opportunity to end my loneliness or to end my brother's, I'd choose him. 

When it comes to sharing, my brother and I have a strange, unspoken agreement. I get quantity, and he gets quality. 

My identical twin brother is about an inch shorter and fifty-plus pounds lighter than me. I'm extremely jealous of the fact that he is lighter, but a little egotistical that I'm bigger than he is.

Despite how much I love fighting, my twin brother doesn't. Every once in a rare blue moon, he'll agree to fight. However, his natural instincts kick in, and he's faster than me, so we often get to a draw or he'll win. 

I sometimes let my brother win things just to keep his spirits up.

I've recently been thinking of changing my url because the "fatmatt" part of it might be destructive.

[chasingdownmatt]

So, might as well tell you.

I haven't worked out in a while and I feel fairly guilty for calling myself a fitblr. My calorie count is probably at least 2500 regularly. I am weak as hell nowadays. I haven't even practiced a martial arts routine in 2 weeks. 

I can't run, but 20 feet or so, and even that's kind of pushing it. 

I know I need to do it, but like I said a looooong time ago, it's hard finding that drive. I don't know how I was doing it before. I see all these fabolous people and their stories and I want to be like that. I want live past 60 and not feel like I'm undeserving of someone. I know it's more than just losing weight. It's body image and self confidence. I am just in need of some push.

[chasingdownmatt]

Since no one wanted to ask anything...

... Here's ten facts you might not know about me.

Late nights are a trigger for me, and make me feel depressed and really lonely.

I have almost no self-esteem.

I have ruined every relationship I was in, because I never want to show how clingy I really am. I end up being distant and screwing it up.

I am a computer science major, to graduate this year, but I actually don't care too much for it and am not very good at it.

I'm one of those guys who fall for every cute, short girl who comes around. It doesn't help that I find 98% of girls as cute, and I'm six foot one inch. 

I'm a very precise person, and I spend too much time making things perfect, but I'm also a messy person.

I am more contradictory than I am a straight line. 

My biggest regret is not asking out a very specific girl, and this regret has led to me becoming a more risk-taking individual.

I have a twin brother who is a lot like me, but quieter, less precise, faster, has more energy, is smaller, and takes less chances. He's a bit of a mama's boy, but that's not all bad. I give him a hard time sometimes, but he'll always be my best friend and he'll have to approve my wife before I'll ever ask her to marry me. He's more important than anything and I would, literally, give my life for him. I see a better future for him than I, but I know he sees it the other way around. I see that he's a bit jealous of the fact that I managed to actually leave the food industry and started a degree in another field. He's not doing too well in the little schooling he's gotten.

I really have no idea what I'm going to do in the future. All of the things I want to do, is actually things others want for me.

[chasingdownmatt]

Just an update to let you know I haven't quit. 

I've just been busy and stressed. Food quality is meh, and exercise is rare. 

It's my fault. I just need to do it.

[chasingdownmatt]

Really thinking of shaving this beard off before Christmas...

[chasingdownmatt]

Dissappointment

I realized this week that I am super disappointed in myself, for a variety of reasons. 

For one, I took a break from dating almost a year ago (Nov. 15, 2012), saying I would take a dating hiatus. The point was to get my thoughts straight about girls, to focus on losing weight, and to lose the strange state of mind I had about dating. 

I still don't think about girls/women "right," but I'm definitely much better. I used to think of girls as objects with feelings, almost. Part of that was the fact that I never connected to people correctly, and I just saw people as other beings, except my parents and brothers. There was a time, when I lived down in Florida away from my parents, that I relearned to connect, but when I came back, I stopped connecting as well. Nowadays, I see women as people, but I'm still leery of talking to them most of the time, unless I'm spoken to them a few times before. 

I have actually gone backwards on losing weight since then. At that point, I had lost about twenty pounds. Now, I'm back up to my original weight, but I am stronger. 

As for the state of mind concerning dating, I had gotten into my mind that dating was exclusively for getting laid, at some level. Nowadays, I realize there are many, many reasons to date someone; from attraction to marriage, from love to just wanting to have a good time, from loneliness to wanting what they have to offer. 

While I have made a little progress, it's not where I wanted to be in a year. I mean, I wanted to lose one hundred pounds and I gained a few!

Also, lately, I've felt really, really lonely. I don't know why. Also, I've really just wanted someone to push me harder than I have ever pushed myself, which isn't hard to do since I don't push myself. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind putting some thought into something, and then just doing something low and slow to make sure it'll work, and yet will occasionally just barrel through something hard and fast, or even work hard on something for something to get down. In any case, I'm willing to work on something until it gets done and don't like stopping until it is. But I do have a problem with starting, because I have a hard time initiating work and directing myself. That's my problem with relationships. That start and what to do. 

[chasingdownmatt]

Walking Challege

I keep forgetting to post about it, but I've been slowly adding up my mileage.

I've actually added another 7.5 miles (I'm actually fairly sure there 5 miles I'm forgetting to add in, but I can't think of it). 

So I'm up to 17.5 / 71.5. Even though it was, literally, freezing outside, I got up early and went to class. I only went for 1.5 miles, but that was because I didn't have much time. 

EDIT: My records don't collaborate correctly, so I'm actually missing more than 5 miles, but I'm sticking to this number, and I'll just overshoot my goal. XD

Time to start walking regularly again.