This past weekend, has been tough. I reached out randomly to a couple of friends just for shits and giggles, and ending up with all of them texting me back that they were tested positive for COVID19; if not them, someone in their family. It hurt. I'm worried. Although majority survive, there's also the small percent that deteriorates rather quickly, if unlucky. I then found out my high school teacher has passed away due to the coronavirus. I woke up and immediately got texts, and saw the email. At first, I felt like I needed to cry. But I couldnt. I showered, cleaned myself up. And it hit me. I cried, sobbing actually, for about 5, 6 hours straight. I was angry, confused, and felt that everything was just unfair. And on top of that all, I was scared. I felt like I got into the healthcare field at the wrong time... but my friends and my father say, it's the right time.
Today I had an elderly patient, roughly 90F. Her husband died last night. Today, she was tested positive for COVID19. She couldnt breathe properly, and eventually, needed a machine to breathe for her. While we took vitals, and while the nurses ran tests, she kept asking what was going on. I wasnt sure if she was anxious, or just had an altered mental status, but bottom line... I knew she was scared. We were eventually all done running IVs and collecting specimen. While stepping out, she didnt want to be left alone. I didnt want to leave. But, we had other patients who needed our help. While I was working in the hallway, I heard her screaming for someone to just stay with her. I checked in once, because I knew how it felt. She just wanted me to stay. But I couldn't. And it hurt me that I couldn't. It still hurts. She kept calling for someone.
I haven't been in the medical field for long, I dont know if I see myself doing this forever, I'm still figuring it out. But there are patients I've had who I just wont ever forget. I applaud every nurse and doctor, and every medical worker, who still go to work despite all the stress and are able to be positive when it comes to their patients. Whether it be difficulty breathing, or a small heartburn mistaken for a heart attack. It's another day for us, but for them it's their worst day. And that's something we all need to remember. We don't know what they're going through. The virus is scary, we may not have symptoms but we can be a carrier.
So with all of that being said, stay the fuck home. Also, if you're a state certified health care professional, please take your time into volunteering because EMS needs you in our city. Hospitals can also take donations, as today we actually ran out of PPE too. I dont know what tomorrow holds, but I can only have faith.
