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I asked the stars to consume me, for I have noticed everything, all the little details and all the quietly spoken words and for that I'm tired, filled with mountains of tears, I've turned into a chamber of screams, I understand too much and somehow that has left me with a handful of unanswered questions.
Poettwannabe
もりの蔭から
今日も今日とて凍えるような寒い日で、最近は目を落としながら歩く日々です。（挨拶にそぐわないなあ…）
そんな言葉はさておき、昨日は地元のアマチュア4バンドが出演するライブへ行ってきました。
「the cabsをリスペクトしている」と聞いていたバンドは本当にイントロからリリックまで似ていて、キャブスのメンバーがライブ慣れしていない頃はこんな感じだったのだろうかと考えながらぼーっとステージを見つめていました。
4バンド中2組は快活でポップなメロディーだったので少し辛い思いをしながら煙草の匂いのする壁に寄りかかって、なるべく歌詞が頭に入り込まないようにしていました。
ライブハウスを出たら少し気分が悪くなって、同行してくれた先輩に迷惑をかけてしまいました。目を閉じたらキリキリと刺すような言葉を思い出してしまってどうしても涙が出てしまいました。
その日の当日は、担任とたわいもない会話をしていました。
単位がどうとか、休みがどうとか。私もプロテクター（心の装備のようなイメージです）を準備せずにへらへらと相槌を打っていました。
すると、「（近々にある）テストの成績は別に気にしなくていい」と言われ、ああそうですねと適当に返せば、「前も特に大した成績じゃなかったけどね」と先生も何とは無しに笑って仰られていました。
私はその言葉をゆっくり咀嚼する余裕もなく、話のペースを崩さぬよう「そうですね」と笑って返しました。
本当になんてことない文字面だなと書きながらでさえも思いますが、本当に失礼な意味をしていたなと思います。
（ここから悪足掻きになります）
大袈裟な話ですが、私自身4,5歳の時から勉強を母親に強要され、物心ついて覚えている最初の記憶といえばノートに向かって文字をひたすら書いていたことです。
つまらない話。自慢でもなんでもないんです。ただどうしてもその頃の私が報われなくて、誰からも褒められなくて、なんて可哀想なんだろうと客観的に思ってしまっています。
もちろん、その頃の勉強が今直接生かされているわけでは無いけれど、他の子が遊んでいる声を聞いては勉強を泣きながらでもしていた私がいて今があるわけで。
目を閉じて、何かが刺さっていることに気付いたら私を根底から侮辱するような、大人のそんな酷い言葉でした。
「好きでこうなったんじゃない」と
そう私はいつも自分に声を押しつけています。だって、遅れて来た自由は想像してたものよりもずっと重くて苦しいものだったから。
努力は報われないし、褒められないんだ。
そんな当たり前のことがどうしても許せないまま成長しています。優しさはみんなに分け与えるべきだし、みんなが所持すべきもの。
なぜあなたがいつも傷つかなくてはならないの？
人は優しくない。
気を緩めば破片が刺さる、危ないよ。
なんとなく愛着が湧いたそれを持ってもう一度。
目に映る時間を全て隠して、自らに優しいものだけを取り込んでどうにか今日を生きました。
明日は分かりません。
明後日も分かりません。
侮辱する言葉なんかに振り回されて、なんて厄介な性格に育ってしまっただろうとは思います。
が、きっと誰かの痛みが分かるのだろうと思います。気休めでも楽観的でも日和見主義でもなんとでも言われればいいです。傲慢でも利己主義でも構いません。
1人だけ辛いよりも、共有しあった方がきっと寂しくない。孤独になるよりはマシかも、それが出来ればラッキーかな。
そんなくさい言葉でどうにか自我を見失わずにいます。
そういえば、このところ毎日悪夢を見るようになりました。鮮明に覚えていて、全く寝た気がしていません。いつも眠いです。
読み返してみても今日も本当に稚拙でくだらない文でしたが、簡潔にガラスのかけらを書き写した気分です。
そのうち、余裕があればちゃんとした文を書こうとは思っています。
付け足しみたいになりますが、本当にいいライブでした。
今度は万全な体調で。
mvマジでアホで最高
is anyone going to go visit penn state on feb.15??
I guess it's just like breathing, or not wanting to, There are some things you can't fake ...
49 Day Honesty Challenge
11. First girl you’d turn to?
My bestfriend.
Years after...
February 15, 2008 (Friday) – She skipped school that afternoon to cover the promenade of their rival school. After changing her clothes, she headed to the school with her camera. Hoping to see a lot of familiar faces, because most of her elementary schoolmates studied there, she was expecting them all dressed-up with their gowns and make-up, she excitedly prepared her things inside the room assigned to her. At way past seven that night, she started her work. Instructing students to pose for her, smiling every time and saying “Okay one, two, three, SMILE!”, she was able to stay energized and perky. Familiar faces came and greeted her and she continued her work. It was almost 10 in the evening, and all the students gathered on the dance floor, dancing with who seems to be the most important person for them that night. She was resting, having a little chat with her mom while the rest of their gang pack their things up. Out of nowhere, a guy appeared behind her mom, asking if she could be borrowed for a dance. Confused because she knows no one will ask her (for she’s just wearing jeans and a black shirt, plus it wasn’t her school’s prom), she politely declined the guy’s offer. But the guy asked her mom again and not knowing her reason, her mom allowed and pushed her to go with the guy. But he wasn’t the one whom she’ll be dancing with, but the guy’s friend. He was cute, she thought, and so they proceeded to the dance floor. They swayed along with the sweet-soft melody that was played around. Unconsciously, they both stared at the moon that time and smiled back to each other. He politely escorted her back to her mom, and asked for her number. For her, it was just an ordinary Friday night.
February 15, 2012 (Wednesday) – I was happy for I was able to spend the afternoon with some of my friends. Basically, we talked about love, about their crushes. I was noisy, talking to everyone all at the same time. After parting ways with the other two, I continued talking with my former roommate who’s about to leave soon for her job abroad. While we were talking, my brother texted me that he’s already outside our dorm. Since I was expecting him, I excused myself and ran to the dorm’s gate to meet him (I was so excited because I wasn’t able to go home for weeks already). But I see no one there except for the guard and a driver. I thought he was joking so I headed back inside when the guard called me back and asked if I was expecting someone. I go back and headed to the van parked outside and saw a shadow of a guy hiding. Since I thought it was my brother (who was about to meet me), I shouted “ @#$%&*! Lumabas ka na dyan, babatukan kita!” And he went to see me, not my brother but someone special to me. Upon seeing him, I was like “Why are you here?! You’re not supposed to be here! Sabi mo nakauwi ka na!”. And all he was able to give was his big smile. I’m not looking at him, so I didn’t saw exactly what he’s holding into. We headed inside the dorm, I was still asking him why he’s here and all I got was just a smile. My friends saw him and they were much excited than I am. There, he handed me a bunch of pink lilies and some food he bought on his way to our dorm. Still surprised, I practically don't know what to do. They forced me to leave the premise with him and that we should have a date, since he went all the way here just to surprise me. My former roommate accompanied me inside the room and asked me to wear something nice, in return for his effort. Yes, I got conscious since I don’t mind how I look every time we go out. But she said he’ll like it and so I put on a nice dress and headed out with him. And so, we went to the school’s fair, had dinner together, and practically laughed our heart out tonight under the moonlight.
*****
Four years ago, I met this guy while I was taking pictures for my work, and he asked his friend to ask my mom if he can dance with me. Four years ago, I know nothing about him, and danced with him just to be polite. Four years ago, we both smiled at each other after we looked at the moon who lightened up our night. Tonight, I shared the same moon with that guy. We may not be dancing this time, but we’re still wearing our smiles, just like the ones we had four years ago. Tonight, at the same time he asked me for a dance, we walked under the moonlight and enjoyed each other’s company. Tonight, you just captured my heart – again, sweetie.
waiting for the e-mail.
i just applied to be a volunteer at the "Pet Orphans of Southern California" shelter. my orientation is on feb.15 yea its a while from now , but i cant wait :D i just ordered my POSC shirt, :} They said its part of our uniform , ah im excited. um , well how about you guys ? anything new ? ^_^ hope your all having a lovely night :*
