i reread your words, and for a moment it felt like time had folded in on itself
you say your heart still pauses when it hears my name
mine never learned how to stop giving yours life
every other month i tell myself i’ve finally reached the end of you.
i pack your memory away so carefully, like if im gentle enough it won’t come back to haunt me
then the universe decides to wear your face for a day, and suddenly im unraveling all over again
maybe that’s my punishment.
to spend almost ten years trying to outgrow that light
i still carry those words you gave me like they were a promise carved into my bones
“i just want it to be you in the end.”
you may have outgrown them
for the most part, i knew it was only said as some kind of consolation
i’ve loved other people, laughed, become someone i barely recognize from the girl who loved you. life softened the sharp edges in me. it taught me patience where there used to be pride, gentleness where there used to be fear.
but somehow it never taught my heart how to let that go
it’s embarrassing, almost.
i understand what you mean about the light.
some flames aren’t meant to be carried forever. some are only meant to show us how hot and bright it can get before we knew how fragile it was.
loving you now to me means accepting that.
but acceptance has never been the same thing as absence
bc even now, there are pieces of me that still belong to you
not bc im waiting.
not because i expect you to come back.
but bc somewhere between who we were and who we’ve become
my heart never realized it was supposed to stop choosing you and maybe that’s why I can’t commit fully to anything anymore
maybe in another life we found each other later.
maybe we met after i learned how to love without fear.
maybe we made it.
instead, i get this life.
the one where i carry you like an old hymn i can’t stop humming.
the one where your name still sounds like a drug i don’t know how to quit.
the one where ive spent a decade quietly realizing my heart has been in your pocket the entire time.
un día te supero pero por ahorita eres like a wound, and also more like a song i never asked to love but somehow still know by heart.
im hoping the best and im grateful you’re getting the love you deserve and in no means do i mean to disrespect that i just had to get this off my chest fr. it’s been too long and eating at me
cheers to life!
