Rush
“No, do it like this.” he pushed the other mer’s fingers away from the buckles of the saddle moderately gently. Fen’s patience wasn’t thin, he was just anxious to get a move on. They had been coddled up in that inn for the better part of the week and being stuck at close quarters had certainly had its effect on them. Or on him.
The sun was only just creeping up from behind the meek hills of Riften countryside. The dawn’s chill made their breath fog in clouds. It had not been a snowy night, but the hay beneath their feet crackled from frost with each step.
Elam stood next to his guar, looking a bit defeated after being fussed away from the saddle. Fen gave him a glance as he finished with the belt. The mer swayed on his boots, crackling the hay, his hair still messy from bed and eyes full of sleep, not looking at Fen showing him the fastening technique.
“There. Not too tight.” The taller mer murmured and patted the gentle guar’s flank as he circled around it to his own mount. The animal snorted in response to seeing him. Fen smiled and walked to the other side to dig up a treat from the waist satchel. Both guars, recognizing the sound and smell of a treat turned their maws eagerly to his hand and followed it
“Alright, alright, settle down will you.” he made sure both got enough to be satisfied, then looked up to see Elam quite annoyed, holding some vials from the saddle pack, whatever he was doing interrupted by the snack-hungry guar moving to Fen. He walked back up to the mounts, pouting his lips in a thin line.
Fen finished fasting his guar’s reins and the baggage as silence lingered around them, just as oppressively as the chill digging into their bones.
“You got everything?” Fen started, trying not to sound too impatient and moved a step ahead both brindles in his hand. The guar instinctively moved with him, anticipating to ride out. His and their minds were already on the road, in getting out of here, changing the scenery.
“No... wait,” Elam muttered suddenly, fumbling with the packs “I think I left some of my samples in the trunk.” In a whim he was heading back toward the inn.
“Oh, come on...” Fen whined out, not as neutrally as he had planned and the tone of his voice made Elam stop in his tracks.
A breeze blew through the yard, lifting some frost in a whirl, the particles sparkling in the rising sun.
“What is your deal today? W-what's the rush?” Elam turned around, the hem of his cloak flapping in the wind. He yanked it against his body in frustration.
Fen shrugged and held up the brindles. He gave a Elam a look of indifference, which seemed to piss the other mer off even more. Elam scowled in response. “You are pestering me for no reason, and I won’t have it.” he stomped to the doorway. “Not this early in the morning.”
As he disappeared inside the inn, Fen tucked his furry topcoat on tighter and hopped on his mount. It was early indeed. But not too early for him. He had always enjoyed living through mornings. In the brothel where he grew up it was the only time there was quiet, the only time he had for himself. He used to sneak into the madam’s office to steal fresh sheets of parchment paper to later doodle on, or climb on the upstairs porch to scare away the sleepy pigeons. Make sure all the girls, and his mother were safely back in their beds.
The guar snorted expectantly. Fen leaned forward on the saddle and petted its warm skin. He was ready to go but it was pointless to rush Elam, he knew as much.
Last night, after the other had already cosily fell asleep under the sheets, a thought had come to him. A kindling panic in his heart, of too much constancy. Not about Elam, who so sweetly had nestled against his chest. Never about him. Just of the circumstances, and his own standing.
Maybe.
Usually, he could escape the feeling of uncertainty by just telling himself he was indeed doing something worthwhile. He didn’t have that feeling on the road, that’s why he needed to go. To just go and not think.
The door to the inn swung open once more, and Elam exited, not carrying anything new. He was pouting slightly. Fen didn’t comment anything. He reached out his arm when Elam got up to his guar to get up.
Hesitating for a second, he grabbed his hand in support. On the mount he urged it to move on without a word.
Fen followed him shortly after, a little surprised by the hasty take-off.
-
A quarter hour into the journey, Fen’s mount got fuzzy. Maybe the cold made it act out, not wanting to keep up the steady canter. He decided to reach for the satchel again, to encourage the guar with a treat. It always worked.
His hand halfway into the bag he yelped, cursing all the living gods. Something had cut his hand inside the bag. Sharp enough to draw blood, that was now streaming down his sleeve.
Elam, who was riding in the front, still giving a cold shoulder to him, came to a stop at his cuss.
“What happened?”
He urged his guar to turn around. Fen held his hand up and peeked into the satchel – broken glass. Some empty vials must have broken. Fen bit his teeth. The cut wasn’t serious, but wide.
Elam reached his side. “That needs cleaning.”
“Nah, it’s fine.” he waved it off.
“No, it’s obviously not fine. Come off here, you obstinate nix-ox.” Elam jumped off and guided his guar to the side of the road. Fen obliged, gruntingly.
He followed him to the side, where by some surfaced roots of an oak tree, Elam was getting some medical supplies out of the bags. Fen sat down on one of the big roots, and loosened the sleeve of his jacket to hinge it up.
Elam kneeled beside him, holding a scrap bandage and a vial of disinfectant. “Why are you hurrying so? I thought we agreed there’s no point going to Hammerfell this early in the winter.”
He grabbed Fen’s hand in slight irritation and examined the cut. He still looked interrupted from sleep.
“Well, there was no point in staying in that inn.”
“Why? I liked it. The keeper didn’t mind the little mess I always leave behind.”
Elam carefully wiped off the blood on the skin and loosened the cork of the little bottle, to clean the wound. The wind hoisted up the frost again and swept it across their faces. Elam’s fingers were cold on his skin. Fen wondered if the other had remembered to put on an underlayer in the hurry.
The thought from before tugged at his heart. They were on the road, finally again. He wouldn’t have to say it.
“It’s like you’re trying to settle down... or something.”
He said it not looking at Elam, knowing if he would look at him know he would only see hurt and confusion. He knew it from the way Elam retreated his fingers and just stopped. Fen gulped down something stuck in his throat. The horizon was bright and distant. His heart burned terribly.
Elam shifted, let his hands fall into his lap. The moment was still.
“Would it be that bad?”
His answer was achingly quiet. Filled with so much hidden doubt and sadness. Fen anticipated it. But not its implication.
“No… I mean.” He trailed off and frowned. When he turned back to Elam, he was facing down. The whole situation made Fen grimace. He needed to get his point across and this feeling out of him.
He stood up, holding the bandage Elam had almost finished twisting around his arm. The cut wasn’t bleeding out anymore, maybe because it was so cold. Snow began falling off branches the oak, that his movement had stirred.
He sighed and faced the sun.
“Were we to set down for good, I would have to make up a whole new life for myself.”
A pause. Flakes of frost fell around them.
“But I’m no good at anything. I never was…That’s why I was just a petty thief, a dumb bodyguard. I have no trade or skill.”
The shrug of his shoulders was weak. He wanted to let out a pitiful snort. This reminded him of something that Byla had asked a long time ago.
‘What are you doing for yourself in this life?’
How frustrating that it was getting under his skin this whole time. That she had been suggesting right all along.
“I’ve failed settling down before because ultimately, I felt useless, inept.” He choked out.
It was something he had escaped thinking for a long time. Maybe once, he had had great ideas, of joining a House guard, maybe Ordinators, do something respectful his mother could be proud of. Topple his birth circumstances, climb up a latter out of the gutters.
Becoming an erudite mage and honing his skills with Byla. Had he worked harder, made her proud, paid her back for all she did for him. Not disappointed her by abandoning it all.
Committing to the business with Maeri. Learning the trade, no matter how shady it was. He couldn’t pretend to have a high moral standing. Not chickening out at the last minute and screwing everything up.
He had given it all up. Because it didn’t feel right. But what felt right for him?
“On the road… I can just be on the road. It’s simple.”
Elam strode up, visibly more heated than before. “What nonsense. How can you say you are not skilled, when you amaze me every day with your skill? You have taught me so much-”
“It’s nothing I can build on.” He turned around to face Elam.
“You… your path will take you so far. Distinguished family, a respected position in the House goddamn Telvanni…all of your brilliant ideas. In what world could I be any use to you? Are we going to open a brothel? Because that’s all I can know jack about.”
Elam, who had reacted to his retelling with a series of frowns, splayed his arms wide open astounded.
“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you – I don’t base your value on how useful you are to me, okay? Have we not established that?”
Fen shook his head and huffed, desperately, ridiculously, defeated.
“I get it. I know. But it will be the same. No matter what I do.”
Why was it so much easier to not have anything stable? It had been easy to avoid this before. Their journey, their pace, it had fit him. He hadn’t need to worry about tomorrow. Meeting Elam had truly been the best part of his life and yet-
“So you’ve tried me, failed me, and now you’ll give up on me?”
Fen shot his eyes to him, with sudden trepidation. But Elam went on frantically.
“Except no, you haven’t even tried. You’re speculating and spiraling. You’re unsure. Who isn’t at some point of their life? Do I not doubt myself all the time? I would even more without you. But you just have to try and try again. So sure, try to open up a brothel, for all I care. Let’s try together.”
He stopped for breath, a moment to compose himself.
“I’m in no rush. I hate to rush.” Elam seemed almost pleading.
Fen knew all he was saying made sense. He knew it deep within. Still, confronting it felt overbearing.
“It all… this all scares the shit out of me.” Fen let out and covered his face with his hand.
Elam stepped closer, his harsh expression melting away. He reached out, took Fen’s hands in his. His fingers were still cold. He ran his thumb along the untangled bandage, and the small wound. His red eyes were on him. So glossy and bright. He felt his own eyes wet at the edges.
Their fingers intertwined.
“Look. Together somewhere, we could do so much. I want a home, I want a place to set my roots. A big library. A study with a glassed greenhouse. A stable for our guars to rest in. But I…” Elam trailed off and held his in his fingers lightly. He looked down, and Fen knew he was blushing.
“I wish to have it with you.”
After a moment, Elam lifted his gaze shyly. Fen felt a tight squeeze in his heart. A painful longing, just seeing the way Elam was looking at him, so stunning, so vulnerable. So understanding and patient. His love.
Maybe he would never figure out his passion. Maybe his life didn’t really need to have a spectacular way or destination.
Looking at Elam, he slowly began to realize, maybe he had it already.
He could barely muster a whisper.
“You would have me? Even if I’m nothing?
The frost had ceased falling. The sun was warming up. Elam frowned, his face twisting in disbelief and a smile. He slid his arms around Fen’s neck under the coat and gently pulled him close.
“You’re plenty.” His voice lowered into a whisper as well, but a firm one. “Don’t you dare think otherwise.”
Fen hummed, the fur lining of Elam’s hood tickling his cheek, his breath warm against his neck. He brought his hands around the shorter mer, snug against his back where they belonged, holding him tight. He could exhale the foulness in his thoughts right there and then. Banish any doubts about wanting this future.
He lifted his head to look at him once more, and Elam let him loose. The tips of their noses touched satin light.
“Then…not today? But someday? Somewhere?”
Speculation, reassurance, safety and home.
Elam nodded and smiled sweetly.
“I like the sound of that.”
----
Elam is @siiliprinssi ‘s babey, Fenny is mine
