#felix.text

[blackholesystem]

So, life update:

We tried the college thing again, at a state university in the biggest city in the state (for various reasons). We did one summer class, an English class, and went back for fall for 3 days--class hadn't even started again--and ended up in the psych hospital.

Because of the stress of the recent times, we must have split again, and the new split was finally formed the other day when my mom and I watched Back to the Future 2, the new split becoming a fictive of Marty McFly.

So, everybody say hello to the newest member of the Space Station.

Also, trying to figure out if we have subsystems/might be polyfragmented. A new gatekeeper came up and said that there are a few, but I'm always worried I'm summoning words from the void when I'm trying to talk to new people. So I'm not sure.

If anyone polyfragmented system can share with me how they found out that they have subsystems, that would be greatly appreciated.

[blackholesystem]

Looking for input on this.

We have a headmate who is mostly emotionless, keeps to himself, doesn't like to be in groups/prefers solitude, is bad at making connections, and is blunt to the point of being rude. I think he fits the characterization of Schizoid Personality Disorder, but it could just be because of the demands his role puts on him (gatekeeper).

I (mostly the host) have never considered this diagnosis for myself nor had psychiatrists look into it for us.

Is it possible that he is a symptom holder for this PD, or like I conjectured could it just be because of the demands his role has put on him/how my brain needed to form a gatekeeper?

I haven't found anyone else in the Symptom Holder tag talking about SZPD/SCPD.

Could also potentially be a symptom holder for certain aspects of my (highly suspected) autism spectrum disorder, now that I think about it.

Any thoughts?

[blackholesystem]

I'll probably go In soon, but just wanted to note: one of the cool things about being plural (and having hyperphantasia) is that when I'm nervous, I can mentally see some of my headmates--our protectors--surround me, and I feel their calm assurance. I know I'm safe.

[blackholesystem]

Still trying to figure out if the Experience I had Sunday night is going to affect me longer-term or not.

It's not like I can stop taking my pills. Even though sometimes I want to.

I've been in a really weird mood since then though. I've told like 5 people what happened, and I've been pretty energized (which is extremely odd for me).

We haven't switched, and I've barely heard from anyone. Actually, I've barely heard from anyone in a while. I think two Sundays ago was the last time someone else was at the helm.

I don't know. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. No way to tell until I try to process it with my therapist.

[blackholesystem]

was just looking over a journal I started last September or so and wrote in until this April.

I remember barely any of that time. I guess I know why now; my mental health was dismal then. lots of bad PTSD days and dissociation.

I mean, yeah, I know that I have lots of memory problems now because of dissociating most of the day away. but its still weird to read about huge feelings and issues I don't remember experiencing.

[blackholesystem]

That feel when you have to add a new trauma holder little to the simplyplural.

Not gonna give any more than that, but yeah, yesterday was so fun. /sarc

[blackholesystem]

We've been sick for a couple days now, it's not COVID but it could be the flu, and one of the littles keeps co-conning with me and the newest fragment-formed-whole, Eddie.

[blackholesystem]

My life feels like I'm watching a movie, and not participating. I'm feeling emotions an arm-length away, except when I get triggered, and then my emotions get big and unmanageable. Nothing feels real, and grounding doesn't work for long-term. I can't stay in the present. It's scary.