#it is my personal theory that Connor Carrick is the only one on the maple leafs who is good at sex. me, hands folded under my chin: I'm listening...
@centeringpass replied to your photoset: connrbrowns: connor carrick; post-game |… explain pls…
WELL GUYS.
I feel like I need to preface that my general idea is that all hockey players are terrible at sex because they a) get it super easily in causal ways and i don’t think that people who have a lot of random one night stands with super eager strangers learn how to make it good for said strangers b) they’re so insanely focused on the One Thing (hockey) as opposed to people who spend a lot of time and energy on their partner and learn all about them and what they like. I was talking irl with someone about which celebrities we thought would be best in bed, and my friend was like, “you literally just pick guys based on who you think is the most feminist,” which was accurate, obviously, lol, but anyway. As I’m typing this, I feel like this is the most obvious “i’m in grad school” thing I’ve ever done because you always have to start by stating your bias/the premises for your argument, right??? LET’S MOVE ON
so basically i spent a long time creeping Connor’s twitter and then his girlfriends, and the supporting points for my Connor Carrick is Good At Sex theses are as follows:
- he’s like good but not that good at hockey. like he was drafted in the fifth round, he bumped around a little between the nhl and the ahl. and he was traded.
- like you know how if someone’s THAT GOOD AT HOCKEY like maybe someone drafted first overall, like maybe someone who was also really objectively good looking, like maybe specifically taylor hall. you know how a person like that would probably be living in some kind of bizarre bubble where the kind of sex they’d be having would be like, idk, just spitballing, but the kind of sex where you ask if someone will let you stick it up her butt if you buy her a gucci purse? just like probably something that probably - WHO KNOWS JUST MAYBE - doesn’t lead to a sexual encounter where a woman breaks her own personal record for most orgasms in a night
- idk if conner’s the most feminist guy on the leafs and i definitely don’t want to over-exagerate and be like hE’S A MIRACLE but i do feel like he shows at least a respectful attempt to be a good ally
- his gf seems awesome, like i accidentally got really deep into reading her twitter, but she seems smart and funny and socially engaged, and he seems to treat her really well, like this quote about her: “She’s multitalented. I haven’t found something she’s not good at yet.” or how he used his twitter following to try to help her find a tv station that played the american ads when she was watching football in canada. that is relatable content.
- speaking of relatable content: he can’t navigate the path in toronto. i also could not navigate the path. i’m guessing he’s probably a really good person. good people are better at sex.
- defence guys have to grown into themselves. they never are at the best point in their career when they are 19 years old. learning that position takes a ton of time and energy and like… development. so connor would be used to taking feedback and working very very very hard to improve his game
- i’m not a face scientist but i think he has the kind of face of a guy who can eat pussy for a really long time, like he is not just popping by for a quick visit, he’s sticking around for as long as he needs to be
- also: is this the nicest I’ve ever been to an american born hockey player?
- um, i would say, yes, with certainty.
