Hi. I’m an INFP here (Type 4 for Enneagram) Gosh, I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I am an unhealthy INFP, and that my unhealthiness is coming out in ways that are hurting the people around me. How do I know, as an INFP, if I am healthy or not? And, this may not be within your realm of expertise, but how do I fix the effects of my unhealthiness for the people around me? I made a big mistake with family, and am trying to figure out how to fix it. Any advice helps, Thanks 🙏🏻
It’s so hard to give good advice when I have no detail or context in mind.
Your description raises a few questions for me. Do you believe that you are unhealthy or do you think you might be because you caused friction with your family (made a mistake, whatever that is)? And was the “mistake” really a mistake or simply something your family disapproves of?
An an INFP is “unhealthy” (I dislike that word; more like not thriving), if they feel imprisoned in their negative feelings and have low self-esteem as they can’t find a way and room to be themselves in the world, which means having a place or an option to follow their heart and feelings.
However, this description is so ambiguous and often it leads to the idea that one should have no obligations and make no compromises or sacrifices ever at all. That every moment should be for self-indulgence, where freedom means having no obstacles to do whatever one fancies.
And where does this lead? “I don’t feel like working/studying today”, so you don’t. “I don’t feel like brushing my teeth today”, so you don’t. “I don’t feel like maintaining my (healthy) friendships”, so you don’t. “I don’t feel joining xyz club to connect with like-minded people and collaborate on things I love”, so you don’t. “I don’t want to apply for that job because I feel bad about myself or the role is not perfectly accommodating to me”, so you don’t. “I am not going to have this important conversation with someone because it’s just so uncomfortable, and I won’t even find a way to make it less stressful”, so you don’t. That’s being authentic, right? That’s doing what feels right for you. Or is it?
The above means you’re in tune with your emotions and you follow them regardless to maintain your own comfort. But you’re dismissive of what’s right for you to support your emotional well-being, and that leads to growing sense of low self-esteem, weaker competency and resilience. Suddenly, you grow more avoidant because more and more things begin to trigger you, and soon enough you’re imprisoned by your feelings.
That’s unhealthy Fi. That’s how ambiguous the idea of authenticity is, and that’s how it can easily mislead you because there is too much room for misinterpretation.
Healthy Fi IS NOT ABOUT FOLLOWING YOUR WHIMS. Yeah you should be able to do that from time to time, which is called relaxation and recreational time, but it’s not Fi. Good Fi is about knowing what is actually good for you in the long-term, and taking care of yourself even if it requires a little bit of effort and a little bit of discomfort. It also means knowing what is good for you only, which can differ a little bit from how others conduct their lives. But such knowledge comes from accepting some common sense facts (the dreaded Te) and implementing them in your life.
For example, you might not feel like brushing your teeth or eating your healthy square meals, or putting yourself out there, as you’re simply waiting to feel like it, but your overall well-being can only be improved in one way, and that means shifting the focus from “what do I feel like doing” to “what would be the right thing to do here”, and that’s that. That’s what healthy Fi is.
It’s not something you can develop instantly, but that won’t worry you when you are on the path, as your well-being will only be increasing.
P.S. I use “you” generally, not at you specifically.
