#fievelposting

[salomeslashes]

An interesting thing from my own abuse recovery journey (which I'm sharing here with explicit blessings for whump writers to steal for their recovery fics as long as they don't tag me) is a specific type of realization that I find myself having rather a lot.

Let me paint a picture (under the cut, since it's long and surely not of interest to everyone.)

At the grocery store, very soon after leaving the high-control hellscape that was my marriage, I was trying to think about what to buy in the category of "breakfast foods." I was wracking my brain. I didn't have a toaster oven anymore so I couldn't easily make breakfast sandwiches, and I couldn't buy breakfast cereal, so what else was there?

Then I was like "wait, why can't I buy breakfast cereal?"

And that was when I realized I had not yet moved "eat cereal for breakfast" from the "crimes" category in my brain back to the "regular stuff people do sometimes" category.

This is still happening! A lot!

A couple weeks back I saw a commercial on Tubi that made me laugh. I wanted to tell Fievel about it, but couldn't because then he'd know I'd watched an ad. Hours later, "why does it matter if he knows I watched an ad?" I went ahead and moved "witnessed a commercial" from the crimes category. We live in a society and seeing an ad is not actually a moral failing!

The added fun thing I'm dealing with now is feeling so guilty for "expecting" Fievel to respond to me in the same ways my ex did. I know him! He's not like that! He's genuinely never flipped out at me for some bullshit! But the thing is, that sort of thing was my entire reality for four entire years. I'm undergoing a paradigm shift.

It's not that I think the worst of my current partners, I just keep forgetting that most things aren't actually crimes.

[salomeslashes]

I know some people wear collars as a sign of like...submission or being owned or whatever but my collar says "BITE RISK" in big red letters and when Fievel clipped it on I was mostly delighted to go down on him secure in the knowledge that he'd read the black box warnings and was choosing to permit this in spite of knowing the potential side effects of Head From A Monster.

[salomeslashes]

Today on a call with Fievel I mentioned having an IUD and he said "improvised uterine device" and I said "yes, I made it myself out of a bent up paperclip" and I had no idea it was possible to "yes, and" someone to death.

[salomeslashes]

Yesterday I was talking to Fievel about Alien (fantastic movie) and for some reason I wound up saying something like "you probably don't want to know how hot I find that one scene" and he was like "YOU ARE RIGHT I DO NOT" and it was another of those beautiful moments where he keeps me grounded in the reality that generally, most people are not horny about facehuggers.

[salomeslashes]

Well, Fievel is sick. Which means it's time for me to intentionally remind myself that it's "Fievel gets quiet when he's not feeling well" (which is a known and established pattern) and not "this is it, I finally ruined everything" (which has not been the case any of the other times, so why would it now?)

[salomeslashes]

Go drink water

Because I think recounting this might actually help, a cute story:

I've stayed with the relatives I'm staying with now before. Last time I was in an even worse state. What I've got going on now is at least finite, you know? Last time it might have gone on forever. I had no idea. At some point I told Fievel I hadn't eaten at all and that it seemed unlikely that I would. And then my phone rang, and he was like "okay, so pretend you're Mark Watney and I'm mission control and talk me through what you're doing to ensure your continued survival."

And he stayed on the phone with me and very gently talked me through getting some water and a snack. And it was silly, but so sweet, and I felt so cared for.

I'm going to go make a cup of tea. Because it's definitely what Mark Watney would do.

[ETA: In case anyone is unfamiliar, Watney is the protagonist of The Martian by Andy Weir, a book Fievel and I both like.]

[salomeslashes]

I don't remember if I've said this on here before but for those of you who've seen The Santa Clarita Diet (which I HIGHLY recommend, it's hilarious) Fievel sometimes reminds me of Joel (Timothy Olyphant's character) not because they look alike but because I find parallels in how Joel is horrified yet accepting of Sheila's new....dietary requirements. Of course Joel is exceedingly squicked out. OF COURSE he would rather she eat regular food instead of dead humans. But she's his wife, goddamnit, and he loves her, even when he would rather not consider the actual specifics of her hungers. Similarly, Fievel cares about me and supports me even though he doesn't really like to consider the specifics of my hungers.

I have told him this, by the way. His response has been, predictably, to say "oh dear" in a very small and concerned voice and then not bring it up again.

[salomeslashes]

Sometimes, when I am hanging out with Fievel and his girlfriend, she will grumble that he never finishes a cup of tea. And then he'll come to my house and I will make tea for him and myself and he will go home and I will find his cup (still half full) and an unbearable agony of affection will grip my heart. A neighbor of compersion, perhaps. The habits are his. And I get to share them too. And I have her to lovingly gripe about them with. This man never finishes a fucking cup of tea.