Jul 1
i wanna use my dildo again s o bad but i just showered!!😭😭 i just want one in my mouth n the other inside so bad ugh
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i wanna use my dildo again s o bad but i just showered!!😭😭 i just want one in my mouth n the other inside so bad ugh
nobody talks about how hard recovery is. i'm really struggling in ways i never have before and i hate it
I did it. I waited it out, distracted myself, and beat the urge to purge. Recovery win. Midnight, now to pop a zop and sleeeep! Zzz...
Challenging the ED thoughts/behaviours that crept up on me Day one, I guess. Today I went out for lunch with my boyfriend and our two friends (who are married) and their two year old son (there's another on the way) to an Italian restaurant (my favourite cuisine)... Pizza, pasta - it's b/p central! I promised my bf on the journey there that I would not purge the meal. I had olives as a starter and a veggie pizza for my main. It was so tasty, and I was seriously hungry by the time the food arrived. I could easily have eaten the lot but I knew that then the guilt (which should not be there!) would probably have lead me to purge, so I left less than half (mainly the crust). I always feel more in control if I leave food on my plate when it's delicious, feared or 'forbidden''. I will challenge this, but one step at a time. Anyway, I didn't purge! And THEN we popped into a posh chocolate shop to get our moms Mother's Day gifts, and we were offered a sample chocolate from their new range, and I TOOK IT! I was reluctant, but then I thought 'no, you know you do REALLY want it, and one FREE chocolate is not going to cause you to put on loads of weight', and I ate it, proudly, in front of the woman. Unfortunately it wasn't that great, but still, I think that's a win! Oh and I didn't log food or water on my fitbit today. I needed to have a break from monitoring everything and seeing numbers and graphs on a screen.
Days b/p free:
Okay, so after last night my b/p-free streak goes back to zero. But that’s okay, I’m not going to beat myself up about it, as we all know recovery is not a smooth ride; there are bumps and blips and slip-ups. As long as we keep trying, pick ourselves back up and don’t give in we are still getting somewhere closer to healthy. I’m going to put 20 quid in my binge jar and reset to day one.
P.S. I wasn’t the only one struggling last night, my dash was full of people really fighting with urges. If you won your battle well done! If you didn’t remember today is a new day, draw a line under yesterday and start again.
niall doing a show in hershey the day before zayn’s show in philly……much to consider
Today has sucked
Was supposed to be a good day and all my plans got shot down and everything went wrong and I have been mad hurt and everything today but I can’t freaking be numb. I wish I was. Maybe I should write a follow up to the only thing I’ve ever written and posted. Helped last time.