Attempt No. 1
With all the courage I could muster... weeks of anticipation... months and dreams stacked on insecurities... years piled up high...I jumped off the unknown ledge into the black abyss of uncertainty and vulnerability.
I called. I left a message. A super lame message “just thought I’d reach out. I know it’s been years. Wanted to catch up. Don’t know where you are or what your up to but would love to see you if you wanna grab coffee some time.”
It’s a lie. I really just want closure, perhaps the reaching out, the left message is the closure. I passed the baton into his hands and now I can move on knowing I tried. I put it out there to have some kind of communication and if he feels that he would like that as well... i suppose he will reach back. If not then I have my answers.
I’m reading “six walks in the fictional woods” by umberto Ecco. He references a book called Sylvie and it is all about the feelings a man had for a woman over many years and how she would come up In his mind and in his psyche. It is written like a dream, like a remembrance of a dreamlike mist of fantasy and reality, real time is always changing.
Perhaps he is my Sylvie and I will remember him like dreams that come to me across different time periods and our relationship will evolve in my mind like a great French romantic novel, and maybe he will one day be forgotten. But oh how I’d love the chance just to talk with him one last time.