I don't deserve to be "Happy". 11:37(10/23)
I would consider epitome of, of humanities, lackluster, upcoming. But I am not. What have I done to deserve such infamy, such an amazing title. Nothing.
Becoming a better person is what I wanted. For years I tried. But you can't change your nature. I am a sadist. A true sadist. I get so much joy from others dismay and also when I allow myself to be angry(more livid the better) that it is absolutely revolting. I laugh like a mad man. I should just hurt and hurt and regret none of it. I should kill a few people. I wasn't doing this for God or any religion. This what seemingly must have been a charade being a "Nice and loving" person. I wanted to. I wanted to so eagerly. I split myself in two, gradually of course. Each side working for the same goal, but with different ways of accepting it. I striped myself of selfish desire(Filak) and pushed forward selflessness (Kalif). For others sake. What a fool was I. In the end the two were flipped. Filak is the real me whilst Kalif is but a child which was abandoned as a child and not return for half my life. I feel so much better as Filak because its natural. Its what I really am. It is no childlike innocence because I wasn't a child for a long time. It feels so good. But its so , so so so bad. If I continue like this surely they'll think now something is wrong. Surely they'll find my head messed up. Of course they'll help. Society is shit and so are all of you. But what do you do when all there is shit, you grow to love it. Love the least shittiest, love the ones that are not shitty shitty. Humanity shouldn't be annihilated. Nor should the world end and I neither want 2012 to happen or believe in it.
One thing I do believe in is. A good heart and bad mind, soul, can get along just fine.
Wonder how long this will last...
