river, epilogue [starx]
Welcome to the long overdue final part of River, lovelies! If you’re just joining, congratulations, you didn’t have to suffer through the terrible inconsistencies of my posting schedule. If you’ve been with me since the start: I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU.
First, all my love to @fireflyxrebel because I literally only posted/wrote this with her enthusiasm in mind. @mysticalmeowler, you’re the sweetest fan of this story and your comments never fail to make me giddy! As always, @lightdusk96 gets a shoutout, because I don’t know anyone who cheers me on more than you, even when it’s for a pairing that disrupts your otp ;) LOVE YOU GUYS.
Parts one through five can be found here. There’s a bonus chapter coming and I have a few river!universe short stories that are in the queue for posting, but I have a bunch of asks and prompts to get to first, so be patient <3
I hope you all enjoy the final chapter of River! It’s been a journey. As always, comments (good/bad/ugly) are appreciated!
bless,
blue
She doesn’t suspect that I know the truth.
In her defense, I haven’t said anything. There was no confrontation, no blowout fight. Our relationship’s been on a web lately, too delicate to ruin with an argument regarding something that’s not my business.
Yeah, Starfire’s been seeing Red X. For at least three months, but probably longer.
I’ve never felt more weighed down in my life. It’s fucking pathetic really. I don’t know how to tell her that I saw them together.
It was bad. This was back when we were still bridging the gap in our friendship. The space between when I broke her heart in Tokyo and when she broke mine here. Star said she wasn’t feeling well so she shut herself up in her room for the night.
Things were different between us. Better, like the break in a bad storm, but different. She stopped freezing me out. I stopped pushing her boundaries. We were comfortable enough to the point where she would sit next to me at lunch and engage in conversation.
I guess I thought it was worth checking in on her.
But she wasn’t in her room. Her window was open the slightest bit and she’d ditched her communicator on the bed.
It wasn’t the first time she’d disappeared, but her tendency to vanish at odd hours had become more and more apparent as of late. I clipped her communicator to my belt and let Raven know that I’d be back in a few hours.
I wasn’t really expecting to find her. I just hoped that somehow, something would lead me there.
Somehow I wound up on the other side of the city, drawn to the bustle of nighttime movie-goers and partiers outside the strip of entertainment venues. I stayed in the shadows of alleyways, careful to avoid unwanted attention. And that’s when, on the rooftop of the cinema, her feet dangling over the edge as she observed the couples going to and from the site, I found her.
She wasn’t alone.
I couldn’t move at first. I’m glad I didn’t because my first instinct was to get up there and murder that smug asshole.
Then I rationalized. It could be that they were just friends. Or that he was bothering her and she was too polite to say anything to scare him off.
She threw her head back and laughed, smiling at him in a way I knew far too well. I watched her scoot closer to him, raising her hands to his face to lift the bottom of his mask.
I held my breath, eyes wide, heart racing when she closed her eyes and leaned in.
And she was kissing him. Starfire was kissing Red X. His arms curled around her shoulders, pulling her to his chest.
My anger dissolved instantaneously.. There was confusion. There was grief. I felt ill and hurt and unending. My stomach bottomed out, my brain when blank, my heart felt tight.
I went back to the Tower and headed straight to bed. It wasn’t real.
It couldn’t be.
She didn’t show up for breakfast. I stopped by her room and she still wasn’t there. She must’ve slept over.
The pit in my stomach grew heavier.
Starfire drifted into the living room around dinnertime the next day, feigning tiredness. I could see the happiness in her eyes. She sat next to me, chatting normally as if she hadn’t been out for the past day with someone else.
Too much.
The words I wanted to scream were stuck in my throat.
“- marvelous dream, I was reminded of the time when we all went to the movies and saw the flick of chicks -”
She was lying to my face.
“- enjoy the romance genre, Robin? You and Beast Boy and Cyborg did not seem to mind when we saw Love, Simon although you expressed your lack of interest before -”
Couldn’t she tell this was the last thing I wanted to talk about?
“Robin?” Starfire asked, touched my arm gently, concern evident in her expression.
I slid my chair away from her as if I had been burned, pressing my lips together.
“Sorry. I need to go.”
I stood up and stalked off towards the hallway, glancing for a moment to catch the hurt look in her eyes.
I should’ve said something then.
But I did what I usually do.
I walked away from her.
I wasn’t surprised to find Raven on the rooftop, waiting for me. She had weird look on her face, somewhere in the realm of sympathy and pity and frustration.
“You knew,” I said quietly. It wasn’t a question.
“I did,” she confirmed, “I’m sorry, Robin.”
“You should be,” I snapped, running a hand through my hair, “if you’d told me I could’ve done something. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time fighting with her. I wouldn’t have shut her out. Maybe then, she and I...things would be different.”
“Maybe so,” Raven said, tilting her head, “but it wasn’t my job to tell you. Whenever she was ready, she would’ve come out with the truth.”
“And until then? How long would you expect me to pretend I didn’t know where she went every night?”
“As long as she kept it secret. This isn’t about you anymore, Robin. Look,” she sighed heavily, stepping forward to touch my shoulder, “I know Tokyo ruined things for you guys. I know that Starfire struggled through it, and even though your actions said otherwise, you had a hard time working through things too. But she’s happy. Really happy.”
I jerked my arm away from her and moved closer to the edge of the tower, staring at the fading light on the horizon.
“I don’t know how serious she is about Red X. I don’t know if they have a future. What I do know is that part of her heart belongs to you, and it probably will forever. So instead of beating yourself up over what might have been, fight for what already exists.”
“If she’s with him it doesn’t really matter. It’s too late.”
Her eyes narrowed, the corner of her mouth turning down in disgust.
“Has anything even changed for you? Are you honestly ready to open up and be in a relationship with her? Because if you aren’t, if this is just...possessiveness, you need to get over it. Torturing yourself accomplishes nothing. You both deserve better than a realized love born out of jealousy.”
“You’re one to speak,” I bit back, “don’t pretend you aren’t all over Beast Boy when we go out and he gets swarmed by fangirls.”
“We aren’t here to talk about me, idiot,” she replied irritably, the pink stain on her cheeks betraying her demeanor, “I’ve made my case. Do what you will.”
She waved a hand, conjuring up a black portal behind her.
“You should know, Robin,” she said softly, wrapping herself up in her cloak, “Starfire hasn’t forgotten her feelings for you. That should mean something.”
The swirling disk of energy vanished once she stepped through, leaving me alone with her words ringing in my ears.
Raven was right, as usual. I missed my chance. Starfire was moving on, just as she should.
I stood there until long after the sun had set and the night sky glittered with stars. I thought about every mistake I ever made, every moment I let pass when I should’ve done something.
I thought about her, and the smile she had shared with Red X, the one that I thought belonged to me.
I didn’t know what I wanted from her, not really. I let my feelings fester for too long and root themselves too deep inside. Starfire was my escape from everything that twisted me up. My fears and anger and issues from the past all faded to nothing when I thought of her. And I could feel that slipping away from me too.
“I can’t let you go, Star, not yet,” I murmured.
I heard the door creak open. The cool evening air rippled around me as a soft thud came from behind.
“Robin,” she said quietly, “it is late.”
Her fingers curled around my shoulder gently, beckoning me to face her.
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
She was silent for a moment, releasing her grip on my cape and dragging her hand down to the exposed skin between my gloves and the hem of my sleeve. I shivered beneath her touch.
“Have I done something to upset you?”
I froze and shook my head quickly.
“Not at all, why’d you ask?”
“You will not look at me,” Starfire said sadly, squeezing my arm, “Robin, please.”
I sighed and turned my head, warmth flooding my chest as soon as my eyes met hers.
“I’m just tired, Star. It’s not you, I promise. I guess...things have been busy. I’m not feeling well. We haven’t really spent much time together either, y’know? I’m missing my best friend here.”
Yeah, I offered her a lump of excuses and finished it up with a nice dose of guilt. I’m an ass.
She blushed, clearly relieved by my words, though I could see it didn’t reach her eyes.
“I-I apologize,” she stammered, removing her hand and wrapping her arms around herself, “I have been preoccupied as of late.”
I wanted to ask her why she was busy, and who she was with, and what she thought she was doing. I wanted to stand there and tear into her for an answer, in hope that she could explain what I couldn’t seem to understand.
But I saw her lip quivering and the way she stared down at her shoes, willing me to change the subject. I knew this wasn’t what she had wanted for us.
“It’s no big deal,” I assured her, “maybe we can go to the park or something this weekend? We haven’t had a group picnic in a while.”
She lit up instantly, eyes shining with excitement as she clasped her hands together.
“That would be wondrous,” she chirped.
I laughed, enjoying her enthusiasm.
“Let’s do it then. Go and let the others know, I’ll come inside in a sec.”
Starfire nodded and floated into the air.
“I shall see you later.”
“G’night, Star.”
Raven’s words rang in my ears.
Fight for what already exists.
The truth is...I wasn’t sure if that's what I wanted either.
Nothing was different, not really. I wasn’t any more prepared to take on a relationship now than I was a year ago. She wasn’t any less persistent about what she wanted either. I was deluding myself if I thought I could somehow step up and replace Red X.
God, it sounds crazy doesn’t it? How did everything get so fucked?
I wanted Starfire to be mine without wanting to claim her. I wanted her friendship without wanting to be her friend. My priorities were so completely screwed, I couldn’t tell the difference between what was true and what was a lie.
She deserved better than my indecisiveness.
But she also deserved better than his deception.
Whatever the outcome was destined to be, I was certain of one thing.
Giving up on Starfire was not an option.
Not now, not ever.