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You make me so happy

The smallest, quickest thought of you crosses my mind and gets me smiling for hours

#personal #theksquaredlesbians #finallybeingme #putthepastbehindyou #happiness #love

Mondays don’t have to suck

And I really hope yours doesn’t! Enjoy the beautiful weather outside (warmest day in Boston since the summer) and smile :)

-Kim

#theksquaredlesbians #finallybeingme #putthepastbehindyou #positive vibes

My Realization/Coming Out Story

When I was 9 there was this new girl, Kelly, who transferred to my elementary school. She was blonde and blue-eyed and I felt drawn to her. I always wanted to be around her and I couldn’t stop talking about her. Maybe this was the first sign that I was into girls? I’m still not quite sure. But I’m going with yes because it makes this a whole lot easier. Then in 5th grade I became really good friends with Hannah and Rachel. We were inseparable. Rachel was super girly and Hannah was a tomboy. Hannah and I played on the basketball and softball teams together until 9th grade. I wanted to be near her ALL the time. We would go camping together, hang out in the local parks, have sleepovers, and jam out to country music. We would even “share our boyfriends” because we both liked the same 2 guys on and off. Whenever I was with her I just wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to see her smile and make her happy. I started wearing the same “tomboy” clothes that she did (a lot of men’s basketball shorts and white beaters) until my mom threw out all of my clothes and replaced them with J. Crew and Lily Pulitzer dresses. I dated boys all through high school, even though I was ALWAYS looking at girls. I told my close friends and boyfriends that I was bi, because at that time I believed I was. I loved my boyfriends, but I was also extremely attracted to women and lusted after them. I thought about women when I was having sex with my boyfriends and constantly fantasized about women on my own time. After my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me (because I was struggling with depression) I decided to try some dating apps for lesbians. I really wanted to figure out my sexuality because I clearly wasn’t 100% straight, and I knew that. The first app I tried was Brenda (it has since turned to shit) and I started talking to this girl from New Hampshire. We had a great connection, but as soon as she found out that I was her type she told me she couldn’t talk to me anymore...and that was that. Then I matched up with this girl named Masha. We talked for a few days, but never really got far. A few months later I went to this New Year’s Eve party. I saw Masha there and introduced myself. Her friends clearly didn’t know she was a lesbian (gotta love being a femme sometimes, right?) so she tried to avoid me all night. There was this lesbian couple there and I couldn’t stop locking eyes with one of the girls. She came over to me and started grinding on me...I cannot even begin to tell you how big my smile got! The feeling of another girl behind me, instead of a guy, feeling her touch...it was a wake up call. I wasn’t just questioning my sexuality. I knew I was gay. No guy (and I had been with more than I’m proud to admit) had ever made me feel that way, especially just by dancing behind me. Her girlfriend didn’t care at all, for some weird reason, and let it go. The three of us ended up sleeping in the same bed and the girl who was dancing with me held my hand all night. I had butterflies like you couldn’t believe! The day after the party, Masha texted me and asked to hang out. We ended up dating for a few months before she dropped off the face of the earth. Kissing her was another confirmation that yes, I was indeed a lesbian. I told my sister I was a lesbian, and she was weary. She didn’t believe me and kind of ignored the topic. (She’s really supportive now!) After things with Masha ended, I tried out Tinder. I had been in a sorority for awhile and knew that I couldn’t keep hiding that I was gay...I wasn’t enjoying the set-ups with frat guys, or their parties, or anything else male related. So I wrote a long speech. After chapter one night I had all 120 sisters sit down and listen to me. They were all crying hysterically and hugged me, telling me how proud of me they were and how I had their full love and support. It was an incredible reaction! I was so nervous giving the speech that I almost passed out. I had to sit down and I was shaking so badly that one of the E-board members had to hold my speech for me. But overall, this was my big coming out. On Tinder I met this girl and she ended up being my first lesbian sex partner. Holy shit was I missing out! I thought I knew what good sex was, but clearly I was wrong! Girls got it going on! We dated for a few months and it was insane. There was so much drama ALL THE TIME! I could never escape it. But I thought I loved her, so I put up with it. (Turns out, I wasn’t in love with her, just in love with how she made me feel.) One night after a fight, she called me. I was in the car with my mom, but I answered anyways. BAD decision! My gf was screaming and crying, telling me how much she loved me, etc. etc. My mom overheard everything, of course, and started yelling at me, asking if I was gay. She had asked before, but I always said no because I was still trying to figure it out. Well, this time I was already super emotional and I clearly couldn’t deny it...so I said “Yes, mom, I’m gay.” My mom took a few minutes to calm down. She ranted about how it was clear, now, why I was always talking to her fiancé’s daughter (she’s a lesbian, too) and that she loves me no matter what, but just doesn’t understand why I would choose to be involved with girls, who come along with so much drama. Honestly, it was a better reaction than I expected. I told my mom that my sister knew, too. At dinner for the next few weeks my sexuality was an elephant in the room. Every mention of the lesbian lifestyle was shot down with disgust. It was horrible. It didn’t help that my gf wasn’t out to her parents (they’re super religious), so I couldn’t even go to her for support, really. I’m assuming my mom told her fiancé, but I’ll never know because talking about who I love isn’t really allowed in my house still (even after a year of coming out.) My gf and I broke up and a few weeks later I met Kelcey on Tinder. We started talking and I knew that there was something special about her. (I’ll post our love story another time...) Since dating Kelcey I’ve become MUCH more comfortable with my sexuality and am even proud of it. I have had her support, along with my friends’, in coming out to my grandparents and father. I came out to my dad on Thanksgiving of 2014 and he had the best reaction of anyone I’ve told (in my family.) He gave me a high five and said that as long as I was happy, that’s all that mattered. Then he made me a drink and we toasted to it! It was a great day! I wasn’t even planning to tell him, it just kind of happened. His ex gf mentioned liking my profile picture with my bf on Facebook, so I said “Well actually that’s not my bf. He’s a she and her name is Kelcey. She’s my gf.” :) So that was easier than I thought! Since then I’ve told my grandparents on the phone and they’ve told me they love me regardless.

I never planned on coming out in so many different phases, but I honestly wouldn’t change the fact that I did. I was able to take my time and come out when I was ready. I was confident in who I was and was ready for any bad reactions. Thankfully, I was lucky enough not to receive terrible reactions from my friends and family. So, long story short, I realized I was possibly a lesbian when I was 9 years old. When I was 16 I told me close friends that I was bisexual. Then when I was 19 I started researching more about the LGBTQ community. I came out when I was 20 to most people, and then 21 to others. It’s been a slow process for me, but I think that’s a good thing. Reading Same Sex in the City opened my eyes and helped me feel more understood than ever. (I read this when I was 19) I highly suggest it!

Feel free to message me with any questions or comments :) Much love, Kim

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