Revised Lyrical Essay (2/4)
My name defines who I am.
Multiple of them that mean different things.
Comes straight from my culture.
The signs they say. The signs tell it all.
Taking my birth time and the stars gave me my name.
But for as long as I can remember
I am asked to pronounce my name.
I want to say it the correct way.
I’m asked what my name is, and I stumble.
The meaning of my name they ask.
People say it’s very interesting.
They ask if I’m sure it's not B E E N A?
But now you have me question myself…
Yes, that’s what my mom says.
Said it fit well with Bina.
Never heard of this name before.
This is such a weird name.
I remember my mom saying it was the best name ever.
I don’t know about that but its definitely something.
Oh my mother. The crazy lady who raised me.
Only said things for the best.
“Wash the clothes on Saturday and fold them.
Wash the dishes on Tuesday and put them in the cabinet.
Don’t walk without your keys.
Soak your contacts after you take them off.
When buying a top to make yourself a nice outfit.
Be sure that it does have stains on it.
Soak the chicken overnight before you cook it.
You mustn’t speak to strangers, not even for a second.”
I know mom. You’ve only said this 1000 times today.
“Don’t eat outside food-we have food home.
This is how to make a fold in the shirt.
This is how to put away the clothes you don’t need but continue to buy.
This is how to open the curtain and let the sun in.
This is how to do more than just sit on the couch and act all lazy.
This is how you sweep a corner.
This is how you sweep a whole house.
This is how you water the plants
This is how you smile to someone you don’t like at all.
This is how you smile to someone you like.
This is how you smile to someone you don’t know.”
Are you telling me this for me or for you?
“This is how you dress to go out.
This is how you dress with company.
This is how you dress for a party.
This is how you dress for dinner.
This is how you dress in the house
This is how to behave in the presence of company who don’t know you very well.
Be sure to oil your hair, even twice a day.”
I hate doing it but you still make me.
“Don’t yell when playing card-its not ladylike.
Don’t take things from people-you know its wrong.
Don’t throw food for the birds, because it might attract more than birds.
This is how to make custard.
This is how to make chicken curry.
This is how to make pepper pot.”
I don’t want to know how to make this.
“This is how to find a good job.
This is how to find a bad job.
This is how to enjoy a job.
This is how to do a job even if you don’t want to.
This is how to decide live.”
Why are you telling me how to live?
“This is how to act quickly if it turns upside down.
This is how to make ends meet.
Always check your clothes to make sure it’s pristine.”
Is there ever just nothing to say?
She says it for a reason.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t respond.
I know she means well but it’s annoying.
Why can’t I just live how I want?
I swear it the same meaning, different words every time.
I have memories that make me sad and happy.
Some that make me want to cry.
I remember being so free.
Free? Is that even a thing?
I remember wanting to grow up immediately.
I need to stop and just live.
I remember graduating with my head held high
I remember total frustration over how to fold a shirt.
I remember “crazy 8’s”, “blackjack”, “trump”, and “war.”
I remember the stories about living back home.
Back home? That does not even seem like home.
I remember being more than a bit disappointed over not living in a castle.
I remember spinning a chair until I saw two of everything.
I remember pizza parties.
I remember dad jokes that weren’t funny at all.
I remember riddles that were so hard to find a reply.
I remember “monopoly” and “snakes & ladders.”
I remember Disney movies that took up my life.
I remember, when a I lied, trying to look so innocent.
You know you were not innocent.
I remember my fantasies of seeing the lights of every city in the night.
I remember stories about how life would have been different if we didn’t move here.
I remember rumors that we would sell our home and never return.
I remember fantasies of what I would say to the family that thinks they could judge me.
I remember awkward silent moments.
I remember having daily ice cream trips.
I remember drawing outside of the lines like it didn’t matter.
I remember dressing up for Halloween to collect candy from the neighbors.
I remember emptying your whole bag to find the tiny lip balm at the bottom.
I remember sleepily nights watching television.
I remember how exhausting it was to start the next day.
It was your choice to stay up all night.
I remember getting up every morning for school at the same time.
I remember birthday parties, being the center of attention.
I remember trying not to cry at sad endings.
I can’t help it. I just happens.
I remember the exact moment, I found out we were going on vacation.
Trying my hardest to stop smiling.
I remember being on the plane so excited for us to takeoff.
I remember daydreaming throughout school.
Never knowing what topic we were on.
I remember forgetting I had more than one name.
How do you even forget that?
Not realizing I was being spoken to.
I remember asking why my name is what it was.
I remember saying goodbye to my friends.
I remember a dream of living my best life and then waking up to reality.
I remember starting college.
One semester down. A million more to go.
I don’t know but hopefully it works out.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong.
I feel like my life isn’t meeting full potential.
It makes me wonder is it worth living?
Don’t let anyone tell you different.
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As I said before, the first big project I did in this class was the Lyrical Essay. I chose this to include this piece in my portfolio because it is my first post on this blog and was a milestone of completing half of the course. This essay is a composition of mimic poetry using the poems “Unlearning My Name” by Mohamed Hassan, “Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid, and “I Remember” by Joe Brainard. “Unlearning My Name” by Mohamed Hassan helped me breakdown my full name. “Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid broke down things you would hear from someone close to you. “I Remember” by Joe Brainard helped me discuss different memories throughout my life that I remember. Being able to mimic these poems were a journey in itself as I was stuck at first but once I started, the ideas kept flowing. Originally I had this essay as only mimicking the poems and a few lines to make them flow together. I had not changed much about them and stuck to the same format the writers had already done. When I reviewed my piece for revising, I realized I wanted to hear my own voice outside of what I had put. I chose to get rid of some of the lines in my original poem and include my reaction and response to the words being said. I put my voice in italics and changed the color of the words to emphasize the change in who is speaking. I want to show that I can step away from the outline given and add my own unique touch to make it my own. I felt like this was the right piece to use as it represents what makes me who I am while showing the emotions I feel throughout my life.
