Letās begin with my name.Ā
Yeah, thatās a mouthful but itās mine.
Some ask how I got this name.Ā
It goes back in time to my culture.
The signs they say. The signs tell it all.Ā
Taking my birth time and the stars gave me my name.Ā
Well part of it. The B in Bina specifically.Ā
My parents had options, but Bina was best.Ā
But for as long as I can rememberĀ
I am asked to pronounce my name.
I want to say it the correct way, for once.Ā
Iām asked what my name is, and I stumble.
The meaning of my name they ask.
People say itās very interesting.
That it sounds and I look so Indian.Ā
I spent my life correcting people.
My nameĀ easierĀ to say than most.
They ask if Iām sure it's not B EĀ E N A?
Yes, thatās what my mom says.
No, IĀ wonāt allow them to doubt me.
Thatās my middle name.Ā
Much longer than my first but less used.Ā
It means a sacred image.Ā
Said it fit well with Bina.Ā
So Iām stuck with a name I donāt use.
Never heard of this name before.Ā
Sounds quite odd together.Ā
I canāt see myself as any other name though.Ā
I remember my mom saying it was the best name ever.Ā
I donāt know about that but its something.Ā
Oh my mother. The crazy lady who raised me.Ā
Only said things for the best.Ā
Gives me so much advice.Ā
āWash the clothes on Saturday and fold them.
Wash the dishes on Tuesday and put them in the cabinet.Ā
Donāt walk without your keys.
Slowly cook the fish in the hottest oil.Ā
Soak your contacts after you take them off.
When buying a top to make yourself a nice outfit.
Be sure that it does have stains on it.
Soak the chicken overnight before you cook it.Ā
Donāt speak during Sunday church.
You mustnāt speak to strangers, not even for a second
Donāt eat outside food-we have food home.
This is how to make a fold in the shirt.
This is how to put away the clothes you donāt need but continue to buy.
This is how you iron your fatherās work shirt so it doesnāt have a crease.
This is how you iron your fatherās work pants so they donāt have a crease.
This is how to open the curtain and let the sun in.Ā
This is how to do more than just sit on the couch and act all lazy.
This is how you sweep a corner.
This is how you sweep a whole house.
This is how you water the plants.
This is how you smile to someone you donāt like at all.
This is how you smile to someone you like.
This is how you smile to someone you donāt know.
This is how you dress to go out.
This is how you dress with company.
This is how you dress for a party.
This is how you dress for dinner.
This is how you dress in the house.
This is how to behave in the presence of company who donāt know you very well.
Be sure to oil your hair, even twice a day.āĀ
I hated doing it but I had to.Ā
She said itās important for its health.Ā
āDonāt yell when playing card-its not ladylike.
Donāt take things from people-you know its wrong.
Donāt throw food for the birds, because it might attract more than birds.Ā
This is how to make custard.Ā
This is how to make chicken curry.
This is how to make pepper pot.
This is how to make a good tonic for a cold.
This is how to make a good medicine to get rid a cough before it even becomes a cold.
This is how to buy a fish.Ā
This is how to put back a fish you donāt like.Ā
This is how to find a good job.Ā
This is how to find a bad job.
This is how to enjoy a job.Ā
This is how to do a job even if you donāt want to.Ā Ā
This is how to decide live.Ā
This is how to act quickly if it turns upside down.
This is how to make ends meet.Ā
Always check your clothes to make sure itās pristine.ā
She always has something to say.Ā
Sometimes harsh or gentle.Ā
But always for a reason.Ā
But that doesnāt mean I donāt respond.Ā
I know she means well but itās annoying.Ā
āWhy canāt I just live how I want?ā
āIām tired of hear these expectations.ā
I have memories that make me sad and happy.
Some that make me smile.Ā
Some that make me want to cry.Ā
I remember being so free.Ā
I remember wanting to grow up immediately.Ā
Then realizing I need to stop and just live.Ā
I remember graduating with my head held high
I remember total frustration over how to fold a shirt.Ā
I remember jewelry stores with glass displays.
You could try on before you bought them, or didnāt.Ā
I remember, in thrift stores, gold elephants in different sizes.Ā
From small to large, with beautiful designs.Ā
I remember, at the circus, the acrobats would twist their body.Ā
Then how quickly they recovered.Ā
I remember ācrazy 8āsā, āblackjackā, ātrumpā, and āwar.ā
I remember the stories about living back home.Ā
I remember being more than a bit disappointed over not living in a castle.
I remember spinning a chair until I saw two of everything.Ā
I remember going ant hunting and keeping a very accurate account of how many found.Ā
I remember pizza parties.Ā
I remember dad jokes that werenāt funny at all.Ā
I remember riddles that were so hard to find a reply.
I remember āmonopolyā and āsnakes & ladders.ā
I remember Disney movies that took up my life.Ā
I remember, when a I lied, trying to look so innocent.
Even if, I was not so innocent.Ā
I remember my fantasies of seeing the lights of every city in the night.Ā
I remember stories about how life would have been different if we didnāt move here.Ā
I remember rumors that we would sell our home and never return.Ā
I remember fantasies of what I would say to the family that thinks they could judge me.
I remember awkward silent moments.Ā
I remember having daily ice cream trips.Ā
I remember drawing outside of the lines like it didnāt matter.Ā
I remember dressing up for Halloween to collect candy from the neighbors.Ā
I remember emptying your whole bag to find the tiny lip balm at the bottom.Ā
I remember sleepily nights watching television.Ā
I remember how exhausting it was to start the next day.Ā
I remember getting up every morning for school at the same time.
One morning not as tired as the rest.
But still sleeping as late as other days.Ā
I remember birthday parties, being the center of attention.
How hard it was not to run away.Ā
I remember trying not to cry at sad endings.
I canāt help it. I just happens.Ā
I remember waking up for church early, just to see my friends.
I remember the exact moment, I found out we were going on vacation.Ā
Trying my hardest to stop smiling.Ā
I remember being on the plane so excited for us to takeoff.Ā
I remember daydreaming throughout school.Ā
Never knowing what topic we were on.Ā
I remember not forgetting I had more than one name.
Not realizing I was being spoken to.Ā
I remember asking why my name is what it was.Ā
I remember saying goodbye to my friends.Ā
I remember a dream of living my best life and then waking up to reality.Ā
I remember starting college.Ā
Thinking is this going to be my new reality?
I donāt know but hopefully it works out.Ā
Sometimes I feel like I donāt belong.Ā
I feel like my life isnāt meeting full potential.Ā
It makes me wonder is it worth living?
I wake up everyday and go through my routine.Ā
Dress for comfort and comb my hair.Ā
I stare at the memories on my phone.Ā
Asking to replicate those memories.Ā
Hope that who I am will always have a history of happiness.Ā