#finding ligaya

[stilllookingforligaya]

Bye 2017 Essay Entry

Isang taon na naman ang lumipas. Masasabi ko na sa apat na taon kong pangungulila kay Ligaya, ngayong 2017, naramdaman ko na may pag-asa pang mahanap ko sya ulit. Hindi naging madamot ang tadhana sa’kin ngayong taon. Mas lalo kong nakilala ang sarili ko. Year for character development ata ‘to para sa’kin, e. Aaminin ko sobrang naging selfish ako. Inuna ko sarili ko sa lahat ng pagkakataon ngayon. Pero masaya ako. Masaya ako na ngayon alam ko na kung anong gusto ko. Medyo nakikita ko na yung maliwanag na future. Di sya ganon ka-bright pero at least, may picture na. Hindi na ako lost. Unti-unti ko na rin natatanggap na hindi na ko magiging cardiothoracic surgeon. Pero in exchange, magiging teacher ako. Kakaiba talaga galawan ng tadhana e. Wala akong hawak na scalpel, pero I can still save lives! Excited na ako maging teacher this 2018.

Balak ko talaga magturo sa isang remote area. Gusto ko man sabihin na ang pagtulong talaga ang unang reason kung bakit gusto ko magturo sa malayong lugar, hindi totoo yun. Gusto ko lang talaga lumayo muna sa Manila. Gusto ko dun sa tahimik. Sobrang daming ganap dito e, for a change, kailangan ko ng uneventful life. Magtatago lang din ako sa mga kamag-anak ko na ang lakas mang-pressure tungkol sa pag-aasawa. Mga hindot, allergic nga ko sa commitment. Haha, share ko lang, kinasal pinsan ko last week, at nung narinig ko yung wedding vows, dun ko narealize na hindi talaga para sa akin ang marriage. I’m bad at keeping promises.

Ang dami ko nang naidaldal. Ang point ko lang naman e, since 2013, itong taon na ‘to yung best. Masaya sya. AT SA WAKAS GUILT FREE KONG IIWANAN SA TAON NA TO LAHAT NG TOXIC NA TAO SA BUHAY KO!!!!! (di kasama ang annoying relatives though, haha hirap kasi hindi napipili ang pamilya) Anyway good bye sa lahat ng fake friends at fake love. Hindi ko na kayo mamimiss. Pramis.

TO A WONDERFUL 2018!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stilllookingforligaya]

Best at Being Bad

When I was a kid, my family taught me that not being best is never enough. They didn't really clarify what it means. So I just try and be the best in everything. Being best in what? Academics? Sure. Extra curricular? Maybe. Memorizing the periodic table? Gotcha. Cooking my lover's favorite dish? Kinda. But guess what I'm really best at? I mastered the art of being bad. And when I said sure in being best in academics, I was lying. Just like I said, bad. I'm bad at everything that I'm starting to think it's a talent -- one I never want to have. Sports? Bad. Writing? Bad. Maintaining friendships? Bad. Maintaining romantic relationships? Bad. Aiming for my dreams? Bad. Scratch that, I'm the worst. I'm too lazy to even do anything about it. Disappointing my parents? Good. Hey! Finally, something that I'm good at. But, it's a bad thing so. Raising a child? Probably bad, I mean, I didn't get to have a kid to raise yet. Pretty sure I'll be bad at it, though. Listing all the things I'm bad at would probably take me an hour. And I'm bad at concentrating so I can't do that. You get what I mean. I'm not proud of it. You know, someday, I wish wouldn't suck at life as it is now. I wish I could get better. I wish. I wish. I wish I wasn't bad at all... but being bad is all I know.

[stilllookingforligaya]

Struggles of the Bereaved

there is a certain kind of loneliness, only those dealing with a death of a loved one experience

and no, it isn’t the usual 3am emptiness, staring outside the window, half enjoying and half hating the silence

it isn’t the nonstop crying, which i tell you, hurts the most, especially if there are no tears coming out anymore

it isn’t the ghost of the touch that came from the person i’ve lost. and me trying to make an invisible outline of it, hoping to preserve it longer

it isn’t the empty spaces in the room that’s left behind

it is me

it is 2pm inside the classroom, graded recitation, and i feel myself choking. i know the answer but all i wanna do is throw up

it is me collecting all the inanimate objects that used to belong to the person i’ve lost, as if having those will make me feel like she’s still here

it is me listening to her favorite songs, finding it to be more therapeutic than actual psychotherapy

it is me not getting up for three days, except for bathroom breaks, like i’m tired of everything that has nothing to do with her

it is me without her, and i promise that i can stand being alone, the thought of her being away from me

but not like this

not like this

not that far

how can i reach you there without hurting anyone i love?

come back

come back

come back

not like this

not that far, please......

[stilllookingforligaya]

11282017

the thought of being a disappointment gets harder to swallow, especially when you’re older. you’ll panic at the mention of “stable job”, “professional license”, “marriage” and of course, “kids”. you’ll be reminded of how you let go of good opportunities just because you’re a selfish 19 year old back then, unsure of what you really want in life.

you looked back, and really, in your perspective, it isn’t that bad. at least, you didn’t accept the first job that comes in your way. it may have the biggest salary offer for a fresh graduate, but it isn’t what you wanted to pursue. the nineteen year old you couldn’t stand sitting in front of a computer from 8-5, the present you, either.

you’ll run the other way when relatives start talking about how your life is wasting away studying again and again, instead of helping your parents, like the investment you’re supposed to be. it will send you back into that black hole. the first time you told your parents you don’t wanna be a corporate slave. they looked at you like some absurd painting making no sense.

then an aunt will ask you to bring home your boyfriend, you’re old, you should have one. or else, you’ll become an old maid, just like that distant relative whose name you can’t really remember. how bad is it being alone? like a woman wouldn’t be complete without a man? just like my favorite filipina actress would say: c’mon guys, it’s 2017!

what the doubters don’t know is the next time they will see you, you’ll have the biggest smile in your face, a happy heart, satisfied with how your life turned from being a hot mess to a huge success.

someday, sweetheart, someday.

[stilllookingforligaya]

one, two, three one, two, three drink the first sip is always the hardest always leaving a bitter taste in my mouth like the words, “you’re a whore” and “you won’t have a great future” honestly, i’ve done this a hundred times and heard those words a couple of times still not used to it one, two, three one, two, three drink the second round is tipsy, a little bit flirty this is when i learned how to dance this is when i thought everything is funny this is when i remembered my last chance this is when i forced myself to be happy one, two, three one, two, three drink my vision is getting blurry i am wrapped around someone’s manly arms but wait, who is he? his charms smelled like harm i have to get away fast, boy, i’m sorry one, two, three one, two, three drink another night spent partying with people i’ll never see again would you blame me though, when nothing in my life is certain? i said good night, left a fake number for you to call maybe you’ll get it right next time, when i’m no longer afraid to fall one, two, three one, two, three sleep

[stilllookingforligaya]

09/04/2017 Appreciation post for the girls who never left ❤ (we've fought a few times but our bond is still strong af) Thank you, streetboyzzz!!! I love you

[stilllookingforligaya]

it started with asking what keeps you awake late at night

finding out if the thought of being alone and no one to hear your thoughts brings comfort

then i slowly become part of your day

not like a morning greeting habit

or queries of, "how did the world treat you today?"

but knowing that if you need a safe place, someone to listen and care

im here, always here

like a home to your inner child

a friend, perhaps a lover to the present you

you wouldn't notice but after months of sharing little pieces of yourself 

i learned all your secrets

and you don't know any of mine

barely a scratch of who i am

it bothers you

you want to ask the right questions but couldn't

then it becomes part of what keeps you awake late at night

and i understand if it makes makes me more of an idea

less of a human to you

it's my fault

but please remember

to me you're a person

full of faults, sure

sometimes deserving of the pain brought by life

but also of love all the same

if only i could give it

if only i could share what i don't have

and this isn't farewell,

this is actually a "thank you, baby"

much gratitude for everything i learned

for everything you shared

for the quiet when i needed it

for the effort when i didn't expect it

ingat ka palagi 

see you!

[stilllookingforligaya]

hello :)

it's been a while, a lot has changed since i last posted here. dapat ko na ata palitan yung stilllookingforligaya. di na natin hahanapin yung bagay na kaya naman nating gawin araw araw, katulad ng maging masaya.

wala lang naman, namiss ko lang makipagkwentuhan sa kawalan. much needed chika na walang sasagot kasi di nyo naman ako kilala hahahha! kahit walang nagtanong gusto kong ishare na chill lang ako sa buhay ko ngayon. walang nagmamadali dito. medyo kabado lang kasi wala kong long-term goal. surviving and being lang muna in the mean time. siguro marerealize ko din ano gusto kong gawin, just give it more time para magpahinga and hindi bwisitin ang sarili sa kaka-overthink.

anyway, big change pala sa career yung nangyari sakin ngayong taon. masaya naman. much better din siguro kasi di ako nag-iisip kung tama pa ba yung nagpapaalipin ako sa di bayad, eme. sapat na yung tatlong taon na ginugol ko para sa kabataan ng bayan. ako naman muna. goodbye, academe. palagi pa rin naman akong kasama sa laban nyo. pero, sa sidelanes lang ako. paalipin muna sa corporate world hehehehe.

at sa nagbabasa nito, sana okay ka. sana masaya ka. kung hindi, nangyayari yan buddy. mababago pa yan. mag-iimprove.

say hi to me :D