Finding Ligaya

Hi, I'm looking for Ligaya \ˈjȯi\

[stilllookingforligaya]

hello

ayun, kanina tinanong ako ng friends ko if i still feel the same way as i did nung 2019... yung takot kasi i'm the youngest in the friend group (i still feel like im 19 haha hala age rebuild) :( honestly, i do. kasi, lahat sila may plans mag-asawa o kaya naman bumuo ng pamilya ganon. that's not what i want for myself. and i can't see it happening for me, especially in this economy pota hahahaha!!

actually di naman ako napepressure in a "i should want the same things as them" way. it's more of "who am i going to drag to the local bar after having coffee if u have a child with u?" kinda feels. kasi alam naman natin kung paano nababago ang priorities ng mga tao kapag parents na sila. ayun, naisip ko lang ulit pero feels ko medyo malayo pa sa exciting part (marriage and family) yung tatlong lagi kong nakakasama now kaya safe pa ang kakulitan ko at pwede pa din ako mag-aya ng shot puno anytime...

hahaha i went from having a bunch of friends to drink with every friday when i was in college, to thinking sino nalang ba free this weekend para umalis. HAHAHAHAHAH GAGI! pero i'm so happy that most of my friends are in a good place right now. dasurv nyo yan mga tanga!

so ayun, life update pala: i decided na mag-glow up na lang ulit, magpapa-eyelash extension siguro ako tas ewan unhinged hot girl era na ulit wag na magcommit hAHASHAHAFKHJ YOKO NA BE

kung umabot ka dito, say hi to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[stilllookingforligaya]

it started with asking what keeps you awake late at night

finding out if the thought of being alone and no one to hear your thoughts brings comfort

then i slowly become part of your day

not like a morning greeting habit

or queries of, "how did the world treat you today?"

but knowing that if you need a safe place, someone to listen and care

im here, always here

like a home to your inner child

a friend, perhaps a lover to the present you

you wouldn't notice but after months of sharing little pieces of yourself 

i learned all your secrets

and you don't know any of mine

barely a scratch of who i am

it bothers you

you want to ask the right questions but couldn't

then it becomes part of what keeps you awake late at night

and i understand if it makes makes me more of an idea

less of a human to you

it's my fault

but please remember

to me you're a person

full of faults, sure

sometimes deserving of the pain brought by life

but also of love all the same

if only i could give it

if only i could share what i don't have

and this isn't farewell,

this is actually a "thank you, baby"

much gratitude for everything i learned

for everything you shared

for the quiet when i needed it

for the effort when i didn't expect it

ingat ka palagi 

see you!

[stilllookingforligaya]

hello :)

it's been a while, a lot has changed since i last posted here. dapat ko na ata palitan yung stilllookingforligaya. di na natin hahanapin yung bagay na kaya naman nating gawin araw araw, katulad ng maging masaya.

wala lang naman, namiss ko lang makipagkwentuhan sa kawalan. much needed chika na walang sasagot kasi di nyo naman ako kilala hahahha! kahit walang nagtanong gusto kong ishare na chill lang ako sa buhay ko ngayon. walang nagmamadali dito. medyo kabado lang kasi wala kong long-term goal. surviving and being lang muna in the mean time. siguro marerealize ko din ano gusto kong gawin, just give it more time para magpahinga and hindi bwisitin ang sarili sa kaka-overthink.

anyway, big change pala sa career yung nangyari sakin ngayong taon. masaya naman. much better din siguro kasi di ako nag-iisip kung tama pa ba yung nagpapaalipin ako sa di bayad, eme. sapat na yung tatlong taon na ginugol ko para sa kabataan ng bayan. ako naman muna. goodbye, academe. palagi pa rin naman akong kasama sa laban nyo. pero, sa sidelanes lang ako. paalipin muna sa corporate world hehehehe.

at sa nagbabasa nito, sana okay ka. sana masaya ka. kung hindi, nangyayari yan buddy. mababago pa yan. mag-iimprove.

say hi to me :D

[stilllookingforligaya]

breakdown szn

on bad days,

i just lay down

nevermind the boss that keeps texting me on a weekend

nevermind my friends who are asking how am i

nevermind my cousins who try their best to make me laugh

nevermind my dog, actually no, i still want to give her hugs

door shut, lights off, curtains down,

do not enter: sad

i will watch a funny video or two

laugh

stare at the mirror

who is she?

who does she belong to?

get mad, lay down again

i’d like to stay mad but i don’t know who i’m mad at

certainly not myself

i love myself

too much

too much i can’t share myself with others

too much i can’t let people in

too much that i am my favorite person

that i only trust: me

and on good days it’s fine

but on bad days

it is selfish

it is self-destructive

sabotage

harm

pain pain pain

let me out

--

a few days like this

of ceilings

of black coffee and silence

of lorde blasting on repeat

and then i’m back

just like blackpink:

pretty savage

[stilllookingforligaya]

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am I here? Wala naman ako problema (bukod sa putangina ng gobyernong 'to).

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, babalik ako dito kapag kaya ko na pakinggan yung A Sky Full of Stars nang hindi nalulungkot. I just did it today. I don't feel happy. I'm not sad. It's just a regular song now and somehow, I'm at peace with it. 'Yung trauma na hatid nung kanta, wala na. Tapos na. Naaalala ko pa pero di na kasama sa pag alala yung lungkot.

Di ko rin alam kung bakit ngayong araw ko naisip gawin na pakinggan ulit yung kanta. I'm hoping the next time na maririnig ko, maeenjoy ko na sya fully. Kasi to be honest, maganda yung kanta. Hahahahaha.

Ayun, share ko lang.

[stilllookingforligaya]

9.18.19

I’ve been feeling a lot more sad than ever this week. It’s eating me up. This is the kind of sadness I felt three years before. Relapsing. I wish the earth would just swallow me whole. Make everyone I love forget my existence so I won’t need to pass on the pain. I wish.

There’s always guilt. It haunts me. I know for a fact that I wasn’t born good, but I didn’t sign up to be this bad. I didn’t want to be like this, I swear I used to be so much better than this. I like people before, now, I can’t even look at myself without disgust. Who is this monster? What have I become?

I might be exaggerating, I haven’t killed anyone......................... right? Not with these hands. But maybe my words did. 

[stilllookingforligaya]

Hi, Tumblr, my old friend. It’s been a while. Syempre di ako babalik sa Tumblr na walang problema. Lmao. Bisyo na ‘yan. Nakakaloka din na pagbalik ko dito meron agad bumungad na “unblock me” message. Aba, inuutusan pa ako?! Haha, please. I still consider Tumblr as my safe space kaya sana lubayan nyo ko dito. Anyway, gusto ko lang talaga huminga. Lately life has been harsh on me. It’s really overwhelming. Sobrang konti lang ng relationships na gusto ko i-maintain and yet, it’s still SO hard for me. Secret lang, napapagod na ako sa lahat. Good night.

[stilllookingforligaya]

Unblock me. I just want to apologize.

lmao idk u, and if i blocked u that means i dont want u back in my life 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼

[unchildhood]

LORA MATHIS

‘If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It’ by @lora-mathis;

original photos and edit

[stilllookingforligaya]

END OF 2018 ESSAY CONTEST ENTRY

2018. Wew. Matatapos ka na rin.

Kahit na alam ko na ang New Year ay isa lamang socially constructed event para maniwala ang mga tao na maraming chance para magbago, it still gives me a little bit of hope. I still hope that maybe, 2019 would be better.

‘Yung totoo, 2018 has been hard for me. Ang daming kailangang i-adjust. Maraming responsibilities ang dumagdag. Since I’ve become a teacher, yung dati kong pawalwal life... medyo pawalwal na lang ngayon. Hindi pa rin syempre papayag na mawala ang personality dahil lang sa trabaho. Same kups person pa rin as always, lowkey na nga lang.

Hindi lang naman responsibilidad at weight ang na-gain ko ngayong 2018. I also gained new friends. Salamat, JRU Sexbomb. Di ko masusurvive ang buhay guro kung wala kayo. Kayo ang best part ng 2018 ko. Love you babes.

Marami din akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa mga estudyante ko. Dami kong natutunan sa inyo. Hindi lang ako sure kung may natutunan kayo sa’kin. Sana meron. Mahalin ang sarili, pamilya, kaibigan at higit sa lahat, ang bayan.

Syempre thank you din sa high school and college besties ko. Ilang taon na tayong solid (solid sa kagaguhan)! Love you babes.

Kung may pasasalamatan, dapat meron din hihingian ng tawad. Sorry sa lahat ng mga gala na ni-cancel ko this year. BOI PAGOD AQ tsaka lubog na naman ako sa How To Get Away With Murder, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, RuPaul’s Drag Race at marami pang iba. Sorry friends. Bawi ako next year.

2019, EASYHAN MO LANG SA’KIN.

[error-2789]

the1975; soft emo lord matty healy

[stilllookingforligaya]

B/O/Y/S

We were always warned of boys with toothy grins, eyes full of mischief and sadness. Always looking for trouble. Restless as the ocean’s waves. They can never be in one place for a long time... yet we believe that they can. We were always told to look out and never fall for boys who acts like a damsel in distress wanting to be saved from themselves. Those kind of guys, they’re addicting, manipulative, sexy, controlling, liars, liars, liars. They will leave you broken. They will be the cause of years of heartaches, and the root of all trust issues.

But, why, did they never warned us of the boys who look very much like our bestfriend. The boys who will take care of us after the heartbreak. The ones who will hold our hands and say, “I am always here for you.” The ones who will smile at us and make us feel better. The constant reassurance that we don’t deserve to be treated like dirt. The daily reminder that we are important, special, loved... They never told us that they can be dangerous, too.

Those kind of boys, they can bore us with stories of online games achievements. But sooner or later, we will find ourselves smiling as we listen. Those kind of boys, can almost never smell of alcohol and cigarettes. They are the boys who are not problematic. They have goals. They have goals. They have goals.

And they will leave you for that goal. It is never right to complain. It is never right to demand. You can never hinder their growth by asking them to stay. They always say good bye with a kiss in the forehead and a promise that they will come back.

They never do.

Their promises are much worse than those of the bad boys. Because this time, you really expect them to keep it.

They never do.

Bad boys.

Good boys.

Boys.

You’ve been warned.

[visual-poetry]

»untitled (only one)« by alyson provax (+)

[stilllookingforligaya]

x xxxxx xxxx xxx

Nung iniwan mo ako, ang sabi mo sa akin, wala akong alam sa kahit na ano, lalo na sa nararamdaman mo.

Mali.

Alam ko kung ilang hakbang ang ang nilakad mo mula sa kinatatayuan ko hanggang sa paglabas ng pinto. Labingdalawa, labingdalawang hakbang.

Alam kong mabigat ang bawat hakbang na 'yon para sa iyo.

Alam kong sinadya mong hindi magpaalam at hindi na muling lumingon.

Alam kong sinadya mo ring iwan ang iyong mga gamit para magkaroon pa tayo ng rason para magkita muli. Kahit isang beses lang.

Alam kong dumiretso ka sa paborito nating inuman at umorder ng tatlong bote ng beer.

Alam kong nagalit ka sa sarili mo dahil habang umiinom ka mag-isa ay naalala mo ako.

Alam kong galit ka rin sa'kin dahil makasarili ako.

Alam kong hinihiling mo rin na tumawag ako at sabihing, "Mahal, patawad, umuwi ka na rito."

Alam kong alam mo na malabong mangyari 'yon, dahil nga makasarili ako.

Alam kong habang binabasa mo ito, iniisip mo na sana hindi na lang tayo nagsimula.

Alam kong ayaw mo na sanang tapusin ito pero hindi mo magawa.

Alam kong hanggang ngayon nagbabasa ka pa rin at hinihintay kung paano ko tatapusin 'to.

Alam kong mahal mo pa ako.

Alam kong mahal pa rin kita.

Alam kong hindi na tayo babalik sa umpisa.

Alam ko rin na ang kaalaman ay hindi nangangahulugang pagtanggap.

Gaya ng..

alam kong maaari ka nang magmahal ng iba

alam kong baka bukas limot mo na

alam kong 'di ka na makakasama pa

pero di ko pa rin tanggap, mahal.

Mali ka. Marami akong alam, lalo na sa nararamdaman mo.

Marami akong alam.

Marami akong alam

na hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin tanggap.

[stilllookingforligaya]

// m i s t a k e s //

i’ve always been afraid of this--

being happy now and one minute later, i’ll be bawling my eyes out from crying

it happened a lot of times before, so THIS isn’t new at all

but i will never get used to the feeling

like i’m afraid to go out of bounds to be happy again because i’m pretty sure some bad thing would happen to the ones i love

it never happens to me

it never targets my health

my being

my career

it’s always the people i care about

it hurts more

i’ve always been afraid of this--

other people being punished for what i did

sometimes i wonder, what if i’ve been a good person?

maybe this wouldn’t happen

i tried, i tried, i tried

this is a sorry excuse but this is the person i have become

maybe i was a murderer in my past life

maybe i still am

but if somebody gets to suffer for the sins i’ve committed

that person should be me

and i’m sorry for being a very shitty person

but, universe, one more wish

let the ones i love be happy

let them have the quality of life they deserve

don’t let them feel pay for everything i did

just let them be

[stilllookingforligaya]

2nd degree done!!! So glad to finally put an end to one of the toughest challenges I had to overcome. To those who don’t know, I took another course, immediately after finishing my bachelor’s in psych. Family wasn’t enthusiastic about my life decision but it was worth it seeing how proud they are now. I’m so excited to pursue my career as a teacher. Looking forward to the experience of saving lives with a board and chalk. ❤️

[stilllookingforligaya]

Last week I had this very weird dream. I guess it was around 2am. I heard someone knocked on our door. No one is awake but me. I usually don’t open the door especially when it’s the middle of the night and it’s super strange that someone would want to visit (?) our family, but something inside urged me to do so. I was surprised to find an old friend and her boyfriend carrying a man between them....... the man was my “boyfriend” HOW WEIRD IS THAT?! I DON’T EVEN HAVE ONE! Okay so my old friend told me that they saw my boyfriend nearly passed out at a bar nearby and they decided to help him and bring him to my house. Even though the man’s face isn’t clear at all, I rushed to help them bring him inside our home. I said my goodbyes to my old friend and her boyfriend, though it was obvious that my old friend would like to talk more. My priority is to make my boyfriend better so I thank them and immediately ran to my boyfriend’s aid.

I changed my boyfriend’s shirt, which was by the way, stinks of vomit. When I was about to go up my room and leave him to rest, he held my hand and asked me to hug him. “Wasak na wasak na ako, hug mo ko.” So, I did. THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED. I was quite sure that hugging him would make him feel better, but I didn’t expect myself to feel better after hugging him. I even let out a sigh of relief. Like I was finally home.

I was so bothered with the dream that by the time I woke up, I immediately told my bestfriend about it and this is what she said...

uhm, well.............. she really has a point IDK man