#fivethoughts

[sososohini]

hate that i’m going back

because I can see how great you’re doing, and I want to be a part of that and share it with you, even if not right now, but damn am I proud of you. so damn proud. miss you like crazy.

[sososohini]

3.27.15

Yesterday I sat there and heard my dad go on about the immense love he has for my mom and watched him struggle to fight the pain.

Every other day, I sit here feeling the same struggle and the same, if not more love.

Being taken for granted by those around me, just because they’ve seemingly found their comfort in life, then seems ridiculous.

In the grand scheme of things, I’m still somehow that girl from two years ago.

And nothing has changed, almost every challenge has managed to stay the same or even evolve to a more complicated and excruciatingly painful experience.

[sososohini]

01/04/15 2:13 A.M.

no matter how hard I try to act like its all ok, it is the hardest thing in the world to do just be around you without feeling every single emotion at once

i'm fucked, i'm fucked up, but I won't continue to be the villain of everyone elses versions of our story, including your version

I try my best and only want everyone to be happy, and I hear everything you say. I really do listen. But no one seems to hear or accept what I have to say or what I feel about this. its not ok for me now and it may never be, thats why I didn't make any promises, I didn't want to have to break any.

I'm doing what I think is best for me and thats all. crying for a a couple hours the second I get home wasn't what I expected but If I cry anymore tonight I think I'll pass out.

I care too much and love too hard and I make myself smaller to make everyone else bigger, how do you make that stop

[sososohini]

Hilarious.

Except for the fact that I constantly feel judged by you guys.

[sososohini]

07.13.14 7:13 PM London.

6 more days after today and I'm back home in Los Angeles, and all I can do is think about how much I miss you and how much it hurts for everything to be such a mess

maybe it doesn't seem that way to everyone else, but to me, Its either a feeling of numbness or distraction from sadness because losing people when they're not actually gone is one of the worst feelings to have

Consistency and the belief that everything is either going to be okay or surpass the ordinary disappointing outcomes that always happen is much needed right now

New people and new places are only new for a day and then its all the same no matter where you go

Maybe that's the reason why it all still feels the same, hopefully happy times are coming fast

[sososohini]

7.6.14

everyday i have to remember that i may be in a different place, a different country than what i call home, but everything at home keeps moving, with or without me it will keep moving forward

i can't hit any sort of pause button and i torment myself by continuing to pay such close attention where i really should be at all

i no longer have any right to that insight or information no matter how much i want to be

but for now, ill keep trying to move forward too, for what its worth or whatever that looks like to everyone else

[sososohini]

I feel this anxiety attack coming on and I guarantee this is how I will feel for the rest of the week until I burst.

[sososohini]

Things just always seem to go wrong.

Even with all the good things that I have to appreciate in my life, there is always those things that I can't fix, or alter to turn out the way I'd like. I love and I care but certain things are just not good for us. If I try to make sure everyone else in my life is happy, I in turn am so overwhelmed that I can barely take a second to breathe without going into a panic state. Its partially my fault for making choices that I know could end badly even though I hope that they will work out and I'll be happy. I try my best I really do, and I know people say that thats all I can really ask for or thats all that matters but I can't help but feeling like I never do enough.