#fizzball.req

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: lohen x reader

warnings: slight manhandling (he pulls your hair/jerks head backwards, covers your mouth, pulls you towards him)

additional information: - requested work - part of a series [previous work] [next work] [masterlist]; cannot be read as a standalone - word count: 1112 - contains: one illuhen reference, bickering, some fluff, lohen being lohen idrk how to explain it - characters: lohen, reader, mentioned illuga , mentioned xilonen, mentioned varka

author's notes: d1 did not remember the name of the actual 5th company captain so i just put down an npc name i remember hearing somehwere 🥹✌️. also illuga my shayla snuck in here. WE HIT 1K FAHHHHH time go to put this on ao3...fahh...this is like breaking a buffer barrier thingie

lohen's letter

Lohen's letter somehow has blood, dirt stains, grass stain, a coffee stain, and firewater stains on the paper. How odd. Lohen doesn't usually drink firewater. Still, you carefully shake it to straighten out the folds and begin reading.

"Hi bunny! How're things back in Mondstadt? Still keeping the place standing? Must be hard work. Give yourself a pat on the back for me."

"Asshole," you mutter under your breath. That's...yes, that's mocking. That's one of the things he does.

"I know I've said this 1000 times before and I'll say it for the 1001st time: the Wild Hunt" (jankily underlined twice) "are some of the toughest enemies I've fought. Wish you were there to see it. You'd blow a gasket at some of the shit I pulled."

"I can imagine," you mumble sardonically. You've long since given up on trying to correct his language in official communications—if Varka doesn't want to crack down on it, then you can't really do anything about it either—but you've adamantly stayed angry about all the shenanigans he pulls with the Wild Hunt. You understand that he's a capable warrior. But he's going to get himself killed if he continues like this. A lot of the maneuvers he describes also put his subordinates at unnecessary risk, something they've articulated in their letters to you.

Well, at least he's coming home now. He can't bother those poor Lightkeepers anymore. You had physically grimaced at the reports of Lohen's miscommunications and quibbles with the keeper of their cemetery, the head of their investigation squad, and even their Starshyna! You had penned the apology letters to all three individuals yourself, and luckily they were all cordial about the quarrels. Still...

It wouldn't do you well to get this pissed off this early into reading the letter. You shake your head and continue.

"Since I'm leaving this place soon, I can say with confidence that my favorite dish here is Lohikeitto. It's simply *delectable*!" (yes, he did draw the stars in) "You must try it. ;)"

You sigh and shake your head. "Ordering me around again, are you, Vice Captain?"

"Indeed I am!" someone yells triumphantly. Your head whips up so fast you nearly crick your neck.

There, standing in the doorway without a care in the world, is Lohen. Your vice captain. (As in, the Vice Captain of the Ranged Company, a company whose captain you are—well, Acting Captain, to be precise; available to handle things in Mondstadt as Anselm handles things in the west—)

"How are you here?!" you ask him, flabbergasted. You rise immediately. Lohen giggles and detaches himself from the doorframe, slinking over to your desk and plucking the letter between his gloved fingers. He plops it on top of a stack of books before hopping up and taking a seat right smack dab in the middle of your desk. He freely swings his legs, which you expected, and then blows a bubble of gum, which you decidedly did not expect. It's a tiny pink one that you watch grow and then pop smoothly, feeling your ears heat up slightly when his pretty tongue darts out to gather it into his mouth and chew it again.

"Since when did you chew bubblegum?" He's always preferred peppermint. Surely he hasn't changed that much. Next thing you know he'll be bedding wedding that squad captain despite all their disagreements with each other.

"No 'hello' for lil ol' me?" Lohen asks, giggling. "Even though I've been gone for five years?"

Oh. Right. "Uh, welcome back. Since when did you—"

Lohen does this odd little hum-huff-giggle thing that he definitely didn't used to do, rolling his eyes and staring downwards at...something. You would know. He used to tease you relentlessly and snicker endlessly throughout, so you had heard practically all the laughing sounds he could make. "Natlan. Some lady from Children of the Echoes gave me some to try."

Ah. You remembered hearing about this now. "Miss Xilonen was trying to shut you up."

"Oh, really? That escaped my notice," Lohen fires back. There's no venom in it. He's simply playing around. His eyes settle on you, and something in them shifts (again, you're not sure what it is). "You're the same as ever."

"...I'm guessing that isn't supposed to be a compliment," you respond. He simply laughs again, throwing his head back while he leans on his arms. You simply stare at him, waiting for him to calm back down.

The heel of his boot nudges at the back of your calf, and before you know it, he's wrapped his calves around yours, pulling them in and jabbing his knee into your thigh to send you toppling fowards into his chest. Before you can reprimand him, he places one of his gloved hands over your mouth.

His other hand comes up to your shoulder and presses you into him even farther, tugging your face closer to his with the hand on your mouth. Lohen leans up towards your ear.

"Wouldn't you like to know, bunny?" he whispers gleefully, laughing at your shocked gasp. His lips graze your ear as he continues. "Don't tell me that after all these years you want to go back to the way things were. That would be so boring."

"Mmph," you say. It is your most valiant attempt at saying, "Lohen, unhand me at once!", but he just laughs and moves on. You don't lift your hands to stop him.

"You've been the same ever since I knew you. Always so dedicated to their work, never sparing any time for fun..." His hand slides from your shoulder to your ribcage. "Wouldn't you like to have fun for once?" He squeezes your flesh at that.

There is a moment of hesitation before you realize that he actually wants an answer. You nod, so he takes his hands away and stares you in the eye. Seemingly satisfied at what he finds, he blows another bubble of gum and disinterestedly hops from the desk.

The gum pops right in front of your face, and you nearly grow cross-eyed from watching him lick it all back into his mouth. He seems to enjoy that, though you can't exactly pinpoint why.

"Well, I'll be off," he tells you. You stare at him wordlessly as he raises his hand towards your head. To your surprise, he ruffles your hair for a moment—and then you gasp as he fists it and tugs. It stings your scalp. You hiss in pain.

Lohen simply laughs as he saunters out of your office, stopping at the door to throw a final smirk over his shoulder before disappearing down the hallway.

~~~

author's notes: MY GOAT XILONEN!!! lohen was indeed staring at the belt buckle earlier in the fic. sorry if this was incoherent, i was lowkey mixing up my family member with a ceiling fan bc i was so sleepy when i wrote part of this this 💔 ALSO!! if you don't have head hair/don't have head hair that is long enough to be pulled, he just put his hand on your head and then kinda shoved it backwards if that makes sense?

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: lohen x reader

warnings: none

additional information:

- requested work - part of a series [next work] [masterlist]; can be read as a standalone - word count: 984 - contains: light character study, setting the scene of the rest of the fic, lohen calls reader "bunny" as a nickname, kinda-sorta rivals - characters: lohen, reader, varka

author's notes: tumblr ate my entire formatting of this freaking post.

captainhood

"As we all know, I'll be departing for the expedition soon," Varka announces to the room.

The audience (the Fifth Company) was completely silent...save for one single resounding snort from its vice captain, Lohen, who belatedly attempted to cover it with a cough. Varka pinned him with an ice-cold glare before continuing.

"I'll be taking three-quarters of our knights with me. I've already appointed all acting personnel for the affected areas of the Knights except for one position. I am here before you now to appoint the Acting Captain of the Ranged Company."

Polite applause fills the room, as well as an obnoxious smack and pop of gum. You bristle from where you're sitting still, waiting for Varka to call you to the podium.

The Grandmaster makes eye contact with you, nodding and stepping to the side. "Please allow me to award this honor to [Name] [Surname] of the Fifth Company."

You stand. Amidst the resounding applause, you hold your head high as you make your way to the podium.

You slightly zone off as you do. It's an immense honor to be rewarded this position—your hard work and dedication over the years have definitely paid off. Still, to not be asked to accompany the Grandmaster...

He needs strong people left in Mondstadt in case it faces danger, you tell yourself. I am one of them. So is Acting Grandmaster Jean, Captain Kaeya, Miss Lisa...and Amber's our only outrider. And we need an alchemist to stay back, too.

Lohen's going to be out of my hair, too. It'll be fine.

"They're an excellent fit for the job and will lead you all capably," Varka is saying. His hand comes down on your shoulder hard enough to push you downward, but luckily, you somehow manage to stumble only a little. "I trust that you'll make their job easy and not difficult."

The clapping resumes and you smile and nod. Varka pushes you back towards your seat, and you move in the same confident way that you did before. You have to at least seem confident, even though you're terrified that the Grandmaster is going to be leaving Mondstadt severely weakened.

"Dismissed!" Varka yells. Everyone shuffles out and the slow drone of voices fills the room, creating a comfortable din that you can get lost in. You're about to exit when you're stopped by a hand on your shoulder.

You turn around to see that it's Lohen, smirking at you with that insufferable piece of gum in his mouth. It's bright blue, the peppermint flavor that you know he has always preferred. He chews it twice will eyeing you up and down.

"Are you going to say anything, or...?"

"Have fun in Mondstadt," he smirks. A frown appears on your face. You both know that the statement is meant to be mocking; he's been giving you shit about being left behind for weeks now.

"Have fun camping," you shoot back. You suppose he won't find it to be that insulting, given his proclivity to unsavory situations. You're proven right by the way he laughs full and loud, throwing his head back to expose his pale slender neck.

Sometimes you really wish that choker was tighter...you can't be thinking that about your own subordinate, but it's an inside thought.

"I will," he tells you. "Bye, bunny!"

Before you can tell him off, he saunters out the door without a care in the world. You stand there with your hand half-raised, face hot with anger, staring at his retreating form in defeat.

You hear Varka shuffle up behind you and thump a hand down onto your shoulder. "Don't worry. I've got to handle him for this trip."

"Good luck," you tell him honestly, turning to clap his shoulder. He smiles down at you and extends his other arm towards the doorway.

"After you."

You thank him and step out of the meeting room.

---

That was five years ago.

Keeping Mondstadt from falling into disarray has been a little bit harder than you would expect. What with Stormterror's unexpected arrival, the Traveler's unexpected arrival, the Abyss Order's fuckery, the drama with the meteorites, the Hexenzirkel, Lord Barbatos losing his Gnosis, and who the fuck knows what else, the Knights have spent a good portion of the last few years running around like headless chickens trying to keep Mondstadt from falling apart. It's worked, for the large part. It's stayed standing so that Varka and the rest of the knights have a home to come back to. That's good.

It's surreal. To think that they've been gone all this time, missed the way that Mondstadt has grown...

You wonder how everyone is faring. You've kept up with letters, of course, trading any information and anecdotes you could to the Grandmaster and asking about your subordinates' experiences out there in the world. Lohen's letters are...a joy to navigate.

To think that the Vice Captain could find so many ways to insult you...you've grown used to it at this point. He does that with everyone. It's fine.

(You've never been that great at necessarily reading people. Whatever they tell you is what you go off of, which has somehow managed to land you in trouble more than you care to admit. You point and shoot. Sometimes people's sense of humor and communication style—especially Lohen's [though Captain Kaeya is a close contender]—can be quite confusing to you.)

You wonder how he's faring now. You haven't seen his face in ages—all you have to go off of are letters and the occasional description from Mika.

You sigh, shaking your head to clear your reverie. This work won't complete itself. You turn to grab another envelope, grimacing when you see the loopy, messy cursive addressing the letter to you. The word "Bunny" is drawn next to it with a little star.

Time to read Lohen's letter.

~~~

author's notes: i am excited for that letter hehe

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

lohen's gambit

masterlist

ship: lohen x reader warnings: none completion status: incomplete, ongoing

also up here on ao3!

additional information: - requested work

author's notes: thank goodness tumblr didn't lose the ask this time. this also called to me to make multiple parts so here it is!

~~~

[captainhood]

[lohen's letter]

[lohen's offer]

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: illuga x reader warnings: none

additional information: - requested work - part of a series: [previous work]; cannot be read as a standalone - word count: 871 - contains: fluff, light angst, literal sleeping together, kind of a character study, sad self-blaming illuga - characters: illuga, reader, some lohen

author's notes: i feel like such a chud for going "cAnNoT bE rEaD aS a StAnDaLoNe" waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. i intended to make the description of the reader's diagnosis to be so that it could be filled by a variety of disorders if you squint hard enough. i wanted to keep it vague so that i'd be able to cater to a wider variety of readers. i'll probably leave it up to the reader to imagine how the treatment goes for their specific diagnosis. so i won't be specifying that. however, both of these are incrdible ideas, so...

tranquil

The morning light is soft and warm on Illuga's face.

His eyelids open slowly, squinting from morning fog. He's spread out on his back with his limbs akimbo. He groans slightly, the sort of sound people make when they're not entirely familiar with their surroundings yet and are just coming out of sleep. His body is sore from the fighting of the day before and the sleep clinging to him like mist. His left arm is full of pins and needles and feels heavier to lift then the other. Turning his head and craning his neck downwards, he sees your head nestled on top of his bicep. Ah, right. That's where that would've come from.

He stays that way for a moment longer, allowing himself a minute to appreciate your beauty. In sleep, your face is peaceful. The lines have relaxed and the stress seems to have dissipated to leave a serene disposition behind. He drags his left arm a little closer to himself and gently nudges your body until it's closer to his. One of your eyelids twitches, but otherwise you do not stir.

He pushes himself so that he's lying on his side at an easier angle to press a soft kiss to the crown of your head, letting his lips linger awhile. He admires you, letting his eyes trace over your body. A soft smile tugs the corners of his lips upwards.

This moment is tranquil. It is fragile, easily shattered, and all the more intimately tender for it.

It took a long time to get to this point.

Illuga remembers coming back to you like a moth to a flame even though every single instinct (and nearly everyone in his life) screamed "No.". But as a Lightkeeper, even he understood the importance of a second chance—he didn't need to look any further than Anleifr to understand that one's past does not define who they are as a whole.

After finding you on that ledge, he fully intended to find someone else to take care of you and be on his way. Something (he didn't know whether it was love, duty, or pity) compelled him to stay, to visit you again and again, to begin to care for your wellbeing again (even though he already cared and never stopped caring).

You loved him through it all, he knew that. Gradually, he began to find himself falling for you again. He tried to stop it from happening, of course, but it didn't really work. It was over drinks with the vice captain of the knights' fifth company that he realized that perhaps he'd had it wrong the whole time.

"I don't know about anyone else. But I know that I've done things I wasn't proud of and that aren't reflective of who I am as a person because I needed help. Professional help, shrink and everything. Maybe your ex-partner is the same."

Illuga sipped his mead, mulling it over. Admittedly, he...hadn't thought of that.

He held your hand when he accompanied you to your first appointment, waiting outside. After a few weeks, he began to notice changes. You seemed healthier. You were trying new things, new strategies that helped you cope.

When you invited him to see your therapist with you, he initially declined. He was helping you out. What he was doing didn't extent past a sense of duty. He didn't know how your hand ended up in his and how he ended up sitting in front of the person who helped you more than he ever could. (He wasn't bitter about that. No.)

When your therapist helped you tell Illuga what you'd been diagnosed with and how you both were working to help it, Illuga felt it click. Oh. Lohen had been so much more right than the captain could've ever imagined.

He thought he failed you. In some ways, he still believes he did. He's trying to make up for it now.

He's doing his best to help you. He's working on learning what you struggle with and how he can help, how your disorder works and why it makes you the way you are. He's learned to be patient, to see things form your perspective, to understand that there are some things you just can't help and it's not for a lack of trying.

Some days, the guilt eats away at him until he sobs by himself behind a closed door, hoping that you don't see. How could he have left you to suffer for so long? Why didn't he notice anything sooner?

Why did it take Lohen or anybody else talking to him about it to actually begin to resolve things between the two of you, the light of his life?

Is Lohen a better fit for you?

"Told you, birdie," Lohen had laughed easily when Illuga told him of the truth. Birdie. He rather liked the nickname.

That's neither here nor there, though. That's for him to think about another time.

For now, Illuga lets his lips land on your forehead. They linger there, as an apology.

He settles down and pulls you close to him, burying his head into your body and letting sleep's sweet embrace envelop him once more.

~~~

author's notes: i lowkey forgot what position they were in so i just. hope that works. also if there are any inconsistencies please let me know. there...ok, listen i LITERALLY DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN OK? but ✨lohen ✨ pulled up and decided that he wanted to have a part in this story too. i want to write a 3rd part to this one so that i can resolve illuga's own feelings and maaaaybe get illuhen x reader together what do we think (don't sue me pls)

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: illuga x reader warnings: none

additional information: - requested work - part of a series [next work] [masterlist]; can be read as a standalone - word count: 1455 - contains: fluff, slight character study - characters: illuga, reader

author's note: i decided to split this up into several parts because the request was already waiting for a month and i didn't want to keep anyone waiting any longer!! i believe that this way i can also get it done faster.

the very beginning of the investigation

“My favorite food?”

“Yeah! You’ve got to have one, right? Most people have a favorite food.”

Illuga smiles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. Blood rises up towards his cheeks and the flush continues down his neck too, a fact that you definitely don’t focus on. “I, uh, I don’t really have a favorite! Food’s food, and so long as I can share it at the table at the end of the day with my comrades, I don’t care what it is.”

You frown questioningly at him. “Are you sure? There’s got to be something that catches your fancy more than other things out there. If there’s multiple favorites, that’s also okay.”

“No, I’m being honest, I swear,” he chuckles. The blush on his cheeks is really, really cute. “Whatever you make, or—uh—whatever anyone makes, really, is fine by me. I’ll find it delicious.”

“Ooookay, if you say so!” you respond cheerfully. You definitely aren’t plotting to do anything with that revelation later at all—no, that would be preposterous. You were not planning to do anything of the sort.

Illuga grins at you, cheeks still tinged pink. He’s beautiful when he blushes like that. His blue-red eyes gain a new sort of sparkle to them that they didn’t have before and they crinkle at the corners with his smile. His thin yet succulent lips are beautiful, parted slightly to reveal pretty teeth and curved upwards at the corners in a shy smile. When his eyes find yours, he blinks once, eyelashes fanning out over his cheekbones, and then looks away like a maiden setting eyes upon her suitor for the first time.

Holy crap, he is CUTE. Your captain cannot possibly be this cute.

“Something tells me that you don’t believe me about that,” he says. His eyes close to make happy crescents. “You won’t stop until you get an answer.” “So you admit there’s another answer!” you tell him triumphantly. The squad leader of the Nightmare Orioles giggles again, giving you a look so fond it makes your breath hitch. You’re…definitely thinking things you shouldn’t in present company, but can you honestly be blamed?

“I’ll be trying my best with you, Captain.” You playfully shove his shoulder, smiling so wide it nearly hurts.

Illuga laughs and shakes his head. “It’s on, [Name].”

The conversation continues on for a few minutes after that, a rare moment of levity between two regular humans surrounded by a war against the supernatural, before Illuga is called away by another squadmate to attend to something or other. Though the Orioles are in Piramida just for a few days, it seems that his work has not give up in its relentless pursuit of him. You watch him go, feeling your heart grow a little heavier as he leaves. The corners of your lips slip downwards a little.

Sometimes you worry about him. The Lightkeepers fight for the named and the nameless, for those who found their homes in Nod Krai, for keeping this elysium built by human hands safe for the future generation. Illuga is no different. He would sacrifice everything he has for the safety of his nation. He would give his life for people he doesn’t even know. He’s at the forefront of every patrol and battle that you see him on, and if he’s not the person with the highest rank, he’ll often flank them instead while heading into the battlefield. The way he throws himself into danger so readily and so often worries you. Is it because he doesn’t care that much about coming back?

It’s no secret that he shines brightly for everyone, burning the light that he carries within his heart for everyone around him. They fear what would happen if that light went out, but you fear what’s happening right in front of your eyes as he burns himself dry for everyone else. You can tell that he wants to be perfect—you can tell from the shaking of his hands as he pushes himself to complete another report even when it’s well past midnight and everyone has gone to sleep, you can tell by the bags under his eyes when he goes on yet another patrol or covers someone else’s shift, you can tell by the way he avoids the medical tents unless he’s checking in on people he knows and always wraps his injuries himself when he thinks no one’s looking. If the desire to be perfect made perfection, Illuga would’ve been perfect a long time ago.

But he’s not perfect, and that’s okay. He doesn’t seem to think that, though. You know he believes that he has to do everything that he possibly can to avert crises. When he inevitably fails (because failure is a part of human life, and not every battle is won in Nod Krai…not for lack of effort, but because of every other uncontrollable factor), you fear what he’ll do to himself. He’s harsh in his own self-imposed punishment, and you wonder if…

No. It won’t do you any good to ruminate on those sorts of scenarios right now. You’re hoping that maybe, just maybe, you can convince him to let loose a little. You wish that eventually, he’ll let himself bloom and thrive as a human being, not just the war machine that Piramida has made him out to be. You want him to eventually lay down his spear, his pen, his papers, and instead pick up a paintbrush, or a guitar, or a rose instead without feeling guilty about it. He won’t survive if he keeps pushing himself on like this. His existence would be much more merciful if he didn’t live in some sort of self-imposed purgatory.

(You want to see him happy. Even if he’ll never have you in that capacity, even if he would never look your way as a lover…you want him to be happy, whatever that looks like for him.)

Illuga might think that this question of yours is innocuous enough, but the first reason you asked it is so that he might slowly begin to think of himself as worthy of the same care and attention he gives others. It’s one step in a long series of steps, but it’s almost as if there’s an unspoken agreement between you and the rest of the Nightmare Orioles and the other Lightkeepers who are close to Illuga, plus the people from the other factions of Nod Krai that he associates with, that you all want to try and get him to love himself more. (Actually, now that you think about it, it is somewhat spoken. You and the rest of the squad, led by Anleifr, have created a secret schedule of ganging up on him to get him to eat dinner.)

The second reason for asking this question on your part, however, is that once you set your mind to something, you’re determined to acquire it, no matter how hard that may prove to be. Shoot your shoot for the moon, and you’ll land amongst the stars! (Considering current events, however, it might be more apt to say, “Shoot your shot for the moon, and you’ll get your cheeks clapped by everyone in Nod Krai.” So the meaning still stands, but not the literal action.) He’s caught your heart in his gloved, scarred hands without ever knowing he did it. It’s never been useful to you to be afraid of any question, so you aren’t scared of the question you’ll ask him eventually:

Will you have me as your partner? 

Will you let me be by your side? Will you let me wipe your tears in the night? Will you let me laugh with you, cry with you, be mad at you, be hurt by you, be so incredibly in love and disgustingly affectionate that it makes the rest of Piramida gag?

If the answer’s a no…well, that's just part of life, isn't it? You win some, you lose some. You'll still want him to be happy. You’ll still treat him as a friend. He would never throw you away over something like this. (Right?)

The favorite food question is just the first part of the answer to the last question. You’d better get to investigating soon. Hmm…he technically has tomorrow off. You overheard him muttering to himself about it just before you sat down with him, and he confessed that even though it was his day off tomorrow, he would still try to do work. You reminded him that the old man would have his head if he tried to do that one more time. Illuga promised you he would try his best to sneak it past him.

You smile deviously. You know what you’re going to do.

~~~

author's note: reader is such a gremlin in this one

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: illuga x reader warnings: lots and lots of self-hatred and some sui id

additional information: - requested work (fits criteria) - word count: 870 - contains: cuddling and kisses - characters: illuga, reader

author's note: wormie invasion => food

cuddle the pain away

"C'mere."

"What?"

Illuga holds out his arm expectantly, looking straight into your eyes. You stare at him questioningly before hesitantly scooting forward to slot yourself into the space he's created. Your thighs press together as you settle further into the comfy beanbag, and his arm is a welcome weight around your shoulders.

He turns so that he's facing you, worry etched into his face. You look downwards. You don't want to disturb him.

For all your screaming and pleading for someone to notice, you sure do hate it when someone notices.

Illuga's hand finds your chin and lifts it upward for you to meet his eyes again. You stare into them for one moment before looking away.

His gaze is honest and pure. His gaze is full of a desire to help you. His gaze is full of love for you.

You can't take it. You don't think that you want to be all raw and vulnerable right now. Your troubles must be kept to yourself. You have always suffered in silence and to put everything out there feels too—feels too—

"I love you."

To hear him say it...devastates you. Why does he love you? Why does he want to be with you? You're hurt. You're broken. You're too terrible for this, terrible for worrying him, terrible for being the way you are—

"I will always love you."

You sniffle. Illuga draws you closer to him, laying your head in the crook of his shoulder and wrapping his arms around your body.

He's so warm. You feel so cold right now...

The warm, soothing presence of another living, breathing body beneath you, Illuga's arms around your back, his voice whispering reassurances into your ears...

How can he find it in himself to treat a corpse like this?

You feel dead already. Everything died a long time ago. This, whatever this is, is not what you meant to be. It is not what you would've ever wanted it to be in a million years. How can someone as beautiful and strong and good as him love someone as ugly and weak and bad as you? It must shame him to have to put up with someone like you, you think. It must be burdening to him to have to put up with your bullshit all the time—

Why will the memories never stop haunting you? Why are you chained to your past?

"[Name], no. Come back to me. I'm here."

It felt like nobody was there in your past.

"Come back to me."

A lone moth flies in a dark tunnel. Its wings are shaking. Its body is aching. It does not have much time left in this world.

It loses altitude with every flap it does, sinking further and further into the infinite darkness as it does.

Even the light at the end of this tunnel does nothing for them. It's too far away. They can never make it. They can never...

"My love."

You sob. "Illuga—"

Why is it like this? It hurts so much. It hurts everyone around you.

Why can't you just leave this world and spare everyone the pain?

"My darling, my light. Look at me."

You turn towards him because he's pleading now (and doesn't that make you feel much better [sarcasm]) and, against your will, stare up into those beautiful blue-red eyes. A moment later, your eyes slip closed as Illuga leans in to kiss your face. You feel so guilty for allowing this to happen.

"You're worthy of love. I love you," Illuga starts. Your eyes are still closed but you can feel him tugging you closer to himself.

"You are a good person, an amazing person."

Blazing heat surrounds you from all sides and your heart skips a beat. Every none of your body tells you that it's not true, but you're more inclined to believe Illuga.

"You are someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are everything to me."

You shakily open your eyes. The smile that spreads across his face is blinding in its warmth. One of his hands comes up to cradle your face, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

"I love you."

"Why?" you ask softly. You hate yourself for it. You don't want to disrespect his love by any means.

He smiles like it's obvious. "Because you're you."

He swoops towards your collarbone, planting a flurry of kisses there between his words as he tells you, "I love your smile."

He moves towards the hollow of your throat, speaking into your skin, "I love your personality."

He kisses up the column of your throat, lips landing on yours. "I love you."

"Please, my love, don't leave me," he asks you quietly, leaning away from the kiss slightly to meet your eyes. You find yourself nodding before you can stop yourself.

"I'll try," you murmur. Illuga nods once before kissing you again.

His warmth from all sides is a welcome distraction from the thoughts plaguing you all this time. You hesitantly kiss him back, feeling more reassured when he begins to rub circles into your thighs.

Staying there, like that, the last dredges of your sadness fade away for now.

~~~

author's note: ok lowkey dont know what that ending was but it exists!

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: illuga x reader warnings: none

additional information: - requested work - part of a series [previous work] [next work] [masterlist]; cannot be read as a standalone - word count: 1162 - contains: breaking and entering (not that serious), fluff, and kinda-sorta tattletelling? - characters: illuga , reader, nikita, mentioned flins

author's notes: i hit the post limit, idk if i mentioned that, so all the linking will be done posthumously and also the minute i get my posting back i will be posting all of these at once and then linking. so uhhh yea idk

a course of action

“Starshyna Nikita,” you say, snapping into a crisp Lightkeeper’s salute. He waves his hand in an “at-ease” motion before your hand has arrived at the appropriate position. 

“Illuga plans to work tomorrow, despite it being his day off,” you tell him. Nikita’s eyes immediately narrow. His eyes are sharp when they meet yours. You do not flinch.

“Is that so?” The Starshyna’s voice is stern, tight with restrained anger.

You nod. There is a beat of silence wherein he stares into your eyes, seeing past all the layers and into the true you. You resist the urge to flinch. You will swoop in to his request to aid with the situation, and you won't have to—

“Spit it out, kid.”

Nothing is ever able to get past the Starshyna. You sigh. If you’re the one making the offer, it doesn’t look as cool and noble! Eh, whatever. Anything works as long as it gets you to be able to do what you need to.

“I can watch over him for the day,” you say. “Everyone has the same day off, but I know that the rest of the squad is busy visiting with family or partaking in other leisure activities. I can intercept him before he gets his hand on a pen or a weapon at all.”

“How do you plan to occupy him?” Nikita asks with all the seriousness of a battle-hardened general, as if the two of you aren’t in here literally discussing how to babysit his son.

“I will try to find out what his favorite food is,” you answer. “He said he doesn’t have one, but I’m very sure he was lying. He seemed embarrassed about it.”

At that, Nikita snorts. “Oh, you aren’t wrong about the embarrassment. I’ve always found it concerning. But since you’re so determined to spend time with him tomorrow,” he continues, eyes narrowing with a knowing glint in them, causing you to gulp and curse mentally because nothing makes it past the Starshyna, apparently, not even your attempts to try and court Illuga with plausible deniability (curse that old man and his perceptiveness even as his bones creak at all hours of the day), “I’ll let you investigate it yourself.”

“Yes, sir, Starshyna, sir!” you tell him, saluting again. He laughs and shakes his head.

“You will supervise him for the entire day. Here, I’ll make a note. You will not let him do any work that he usually does, including but not limited to completing reports, patrolling for the Wild Hunt or doing anything for the League. If it’s related to his job, it will not fly. Understood?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Good. Dismissed.”

You nearly skip out of Nikita’s office, clutching the signed note between your fingers like a lotto ticket for 5 million Mora.

---

“Ah, ah, ah!”

Illuga looks up from his papers, face morphing into one of confusion. His mouth is slightly open, his brows are cutely furrowed, and he looks like a baby deer that was just told it couldn’t eat a barrel of corn. Your singsongy words shock him into momentary distraction, which is all you need in order to sweep the papers off his desk and put the pen back in his drawer. Still sitting in his chair, your captain turns to face you, craning his neck to stare at your face.

“How did you get into my house?”

“I picked the lock!” you tell him proudly. His eyes become the size of saucers, and you take the opportunity to dangle the Starshyna’s note in front of his face. He smoothly plucks it from your fingers, eyes scanning over and becoming narrower and more appalled as they do.

“You did not.”

“Did too.”

“I—you—I—”

“Nobody’s on your side for this battle, Illuga,” you tell him gleefully. “You’re taking a day off—a true day off, a day of relaxation, of self-discovery! Starshyna’s orders.”

“[Name]...”

“Surely you don’t have anything to do today. It’ll be fun! We can look at new books, go to lunch, maybe on a wa—”

“I have to deliver supplies to Sir Flins today,” he tells you. You freeze, a big smile on your face, hands frozen in midair while you’re gesturing about some load of baloney concerning his future and making the description of today seem like a brochure for the Easybreeze Holiday Resort. 

What. The fuck.

Nikita didn’t say jack shit about this.

“He can starve!” is the phrase that falls out of your mouth next before you quickly slap a hand over it instead. That is not how you meant to say that! Wrong humor, wrong time, wrong place, definitely the wrong person. Your eyes find him, wide in fear, while he looks at you utterly aghast at what you just said.

“What the fuck?!” Illuga yells, shooting up from his cha—shooting up from his chair, oh fuck, you've messed up big time, yikes, yikes, yikes. “What did you just say?!”

“That's not what I meant! Sorry, sorry, I—I didn't mean that at all; what I meant to say was that he’ll probably be fine if the supplies are late! He never uses them anyway!” You say back, cowering a little. He takes a step closer and you take a very frantic step backwards, stumbling over your own boots as you do.

The captain takes in the sight of you holding your hands defensively in front of you, fingers twitching ever so slightly as if a zephyr is sweeping across them. His eyes, full of righteous anger, meet yours, seeing the fear in them. At that, his shoulders relax and he exhales in a short puff, anger dissipating almost as quickly as it came. His eyelids come down and he lifts his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose before looking back up at you with a slightly exasperated look on his face.

“No, he doesn't,” Illuga admits. “Still…I feel bad about not going.”

“If he needed the supplies he’d make you do it on your working days, not your days off,” you point out. You can see Illuga mulling it over, becoming a little more disappointed as he realizes that it makes sense.

He heaves a sigh. “Alright, I won't deliver him supplies today.”

“Wonderful!” you shout, jumping up and clapping your hands together. A fond smile tugs his lips upwards, familiarity with your antics causing him to chuckle and roll his eyes. Your hand finds his and tugs him up to come with you.

“We have a lot to do today, Illuga,” you tell him, leading him out of the house while he shakes his head.

“Keeping me busy even on my day off, huh?” Illuga asks you playfully. You laugh lightly as the pair of you finally exit Illuga’s house.

You reach over Illuga’s shoulder to shut the door behind him, locking it quickly. “Of course! I have to find out your favorite food!”

Illuga groans. “Someone save me, please.”

You giggle and walk off with him in tow.

~~~

author's notes: being banned from posting is forcing me to get stuff done. huh. that's...quite helpful actually.

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.

[snonkerdoodlewritesstuff]

ship: illuga x reader warnings: suicidal ideation

additional information: - requested work - word count: 658 - contains: cuddling, light angst

author's notes: i am so stoked that i finally figured out how to do gradients! am also experimenting with a new format of my posts to make it look more aesthetic like everyone else's things so uh yea there's that! lmk if you have any suggestions.

hold still

"I've got you, darling."

"I---Illuga---"

"It's okay. I've got you."

"You....You're busy."

"Everything else can wait," Illuga murmurs softly. He's on his sofa, leaning comfortably against the back. You're in his lap, face buried into his neck, hands at his shoulders, legs bracketing his, trying to ignore the fact that the wet spot on his neck has only grown bigger for the past 10 minutes. One hand is splayed against your lower back and the other smooths up and down in firm, soothing motions.

"What matters most is you."

He is the only thing you can smell with your head in his neck like this. The only things you can feel on your body are the warm heat of his thighs underneath yours, the soothing pressure on your back from his hands, the slow rise and fall of his chest beneath yours, and the hot puffs of his exhales against your ear. You're surrounding by him and...

And you hate it.

Why do you trouble him so? Why do you do this to him, force him to abandon everything to be with you? Why can't you just be fine?

It's a burden, isn't it? It's a burden to him---you're a burden to him. You can't help but feel guilty that you've worried him, guilty that you're even here, guilty that he got to know you when the only thing you want to do is to...die.

Soft lips graze your temple, then move to the top of your head and linger. The hand on the small of your back tugs you closer into his body and the one rubbing up and down wraps around your back to hug you close to him. Hesitantly, you bring your own arms up to wrap around his neck because even if you hate yourself for it, you do want him to be here. With you.

"I want you to be safe. I'll do anything to ensure that, my love," Illuga says. You can hear the way his voice reverberates through his chest from where you're sitting.

"I'm burdening you," you say, hating how your voice's pitch rises from your tears.

"No, you're not," Illuga responds. It's easy. He said it so easily and yet he means it too.

His hand comes up to cradle your cheek, lifting your head to make eye contact with him. He looks sorrowful and you immediately feel a stab of guilt for making him sad too. His thumb smooths under your eye, wiping away the tears, before he leans in and kisses your forehead.

He covers your entire face in soft, tender kisses, taking your tears with him as he does. Somehow, the action is filled with quiet understanding, and when his lips meet yours, you can feel it begin to ebb away.

---

Being here with you is the most important thing he can be doing right now. He would rather be here than arrive later to find you dead.

Illuga knows what this pain is like. Though your problems aren't the exact same, he, too, knows how painful it is to hold on for those around you, to feel guilty for wanting to die, to yearn for death's sweet embrace. He knows how painful it is to make himself lie still because that's the only thing he can do when he knows that if he gets up he'll kill himself.

This will help you. It won't take your pain away. That's impossible (even though he wishes every day that it weren't). But it will help you feel less bad for now.

So he kisses your face. He rubs your back. He pulls you close because godammit he doesn't want you to leave. (He wouldn't be able to take it if you left...like everyone else.) He burns brightly for you so that like a moth to a flame, you'll stay and the world will be better for it.

He loves you. So much.

disclaimer: i don't own the sand, but i own whatever playing i did in the sandbox. do not use my work to feed ai. do not translate my works without my consent. do not take my ideas without giving me credit.