Every time I write a personal blog and I think I’m done with learning about myself, I find about something else that I didn’t know I had.
I’d stare in the mirror as a child, not because I was vein and I liked looking at myself, but because my facial expressions seemed flat. I didn’t know it was a thing until recently when my therapist talked about my face lacking expression, known as “Flat affect,” brought about through autism.
It’s a term used to describe a lack of emotional reactivity. It manifests in a person’s failure to express their feelings verbally or non-verbally, especially around issues that engage the emotions. A person with flat affect has nearly to no emotional expression. They may not react at all to circumstances that would evoke strong emotions in others.
I find it hard to believe this is another thing for me to find acceptance on. When I smile, my facial expressions are fixed instead of being naturally animated. I talk in a flat and monotoned tone. Through necessity and through my intuition, I have taught myself to read people’s facial expressions and social cues.
I am able to think about and write my emotions down, rather than outwardly show or talk about my emotions face to face in an intimate situation. I have lived with a general anxiety disorder since I was a child, through autism I didn’t know I had. With the help of therapy it has become easier for me to talk about things, but it has also depended on the therapist. Let’s just say I have done better in my latter years.
Through my life and up to this point, I still can’t believe how much I’ve had to teach myself over the years just to be able to function around my disability, and the fact that I’m still learning things about myself.
There is no excuse from anyone that can explain any of my experiences. I’ve gone beyond feeling anything. I feel nothing at all.
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