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Pensamentos 28/09/19

Senti arrependimento por ter perdido, agora me sinto contente por saber que era algo alcançável. Estava próxima. Sei que falta pouco até chegar lá.

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03/03/19

Today was a good day. I went out with my mom visit a tourist garden. We went with a guide and I felt uncomfortable at times being next to him. Him being a guy and a stranger tho he was nice and funny so I laughed a lot. I'm still trying to figure these feelings I have towards men out, why do I feel so much more tensed up around the opposite sex? Why do I shy away and try to contain myself? Why do I lose my authentic self around guys all the time?

I guess the only way to find answers to these questions is through experience. And through experience I'll achieve clarity, being directly confronted with the discomfort in the moment, I will have the possibility to look them directly in the eyes, as opposed to just overthinking about it. Feelings are there to be felt. They need, no, demand to be explored.

I'm terrified to show vulnerability, to show people I'm afraid of them, I'm afraid of their judgment, rejection, yet I long intimate and I don't know how to stop feeling so conflicted, ambivalent. When someone comes to close I distance myself and I only get close when I'm sure I'll be rejected. I guess, in that case I don't have anything to lose, I won't lose my fears, I won't lose my pride, yet I won't gain love and intimacy and connection.

I challenge myself: this year is all about making connections with people; the more people I talk to, the better. No expectations, a small conversation, a smile, a hello, whatever it is, anything can be done to bond with people, even if I only see them once in my lifetime.

I admit, I'm a little lost, this will be the first time I do this. I've never tried bonding with people, I have only 2 friends at the moment, so it's going to be a different experience and challenge for me. At times I probably won't even know what to say, won't know how to behave in certain situations cause I've never learned social skills, I'm learning those now. But what I've learned about confidence and spiritual and personal growth is that's not about being perfect, it's about the path, the evolution itself, embracing your flaws, being convinced of yourself and own the embarrassing moments, not justifying for them or any other action you decide to take. Being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to take it easy every now and then. To "give up" any expectations, that means, for example, not feeling like you need to make friends on your first day of school. If you let things be, get out out the way, everything is going to happen naturally, wu-wei - just going with the way things are, (un)fortunately you can't see your life unfold towards you, you will only see it once you've already gone through your lesion. Have patience.