You Are Made of Gold, Honey
I lost my sense of self worth.
After I left my interview- I was filled an overwhelming, intoxicating, and poisonous wave of anxiety. I couldn’t stop the thoughts during my interview and I was having a hard time stopping them after the interview. “Did he like me? Was I enough? I am good enough to work there? Did I sell myself well enough? Did I say the right things? Did I come off not happy, exuberant or fun enough? What did the manager think? Am I good enough for this job? I shouldn’t have said that. I should have worded that differently. I suck.” Man oh man. The mind can be such a heavy place sometimes.
When I got home I instantly went on instagram to find some sort of solace from my thoughts. The first thing I saw there was a quote from one of my favorite “daily reminder” instagrams (law.of.attraction1111) and it said a whole handful of lovely things finishing with “release self-doubts and worry and allow yourself to overflow with joy and love”.
YES. RELEASE SELF-DOUBTS. Do it. Release them. Come back to your center of overflowing joy and love.
(Of course that is exactly what I needed to hear because of course the universe is listening and of course it is leading me to exactly where I need to be.)
Too many times us humans get so caught up in our desires we equate our personal self worth to external objects. At this interview- that is exactly what happened and exactly what sent anxiety spiraling through me. I fell out of trust in the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things and fell into desire. I fell hard. I wanted this job, I wanted to work there, I wanted to be no where else but there. In fact, I had given up applying myself to other places because I wanted this job and I said “I’m gonna get it”. So when I went into the interview that day, totally expecting to be hired on the spot, I was unprepared for the man I was interviewing with to throw so many curveballs at me, “Keep applying at other places, don’t shut yourself off from other opportunities, we’re still interviewing other people, we will get back to you once we’ve made a decision”. Man was that a heart dropper/ ego sinker for me. My thoughts we’re racing trying to think of things to say to sell myself to this man, ways to form a connection, a way to get this man to like me. I WANTED THIS JOB. I wanted it because in my mind this was the only option, that this was the right way, this was the exact job that I NEEDED to bring me to my dreams and drive me down the right path. I had become attached. My attachment wasn’t the problem, the root of it all was that I had lost myself. I lost my sense of self worth, I lost my sight of the bigger picture and I began to fall back into need and needing to control the outcome. I had forgotten who I am and what is really going on here. I am worth all my dreams, I am worth all the things I have been praying for. I am worth it. I do not NEED a specific job to get there- I do not need to control the path I am walking down. All that is required of me is to trust in my worth and know I am being led down the right path. If I didn’t get the job, it wouldn’t be related to my self worth. It would have been because the job wasn’t the right fit. It would simply have been another step taking me to exactly where I want to be. So we humans have to stop being so hard on ourselves. Just because something doesn’t go the way we thought it might- does not mean we are worth any less. It doesn’t mean we are being “punished” for not being “good enough”. It simply means we are one step closer to ending up exactly where we want to be. So the next time you start to be hard on yourself thinking you’re not enough or that you could have been better, stop. STOP. Reevaluate yourself. You are worth everything you’ve ever wanted so KNOW you are being led right to it. Express gratitude for the right step being presented to you and march on knowing the next step will come and the next. Keep yourself open, know your self worth and do not under any circumstances take anything personally when you are not the right fit for something whether that be a job, a man, a new apartment or even a new friend. You are worth everything you’ve asked for. So stick with it and don’t give up on yourself thinking you are worth anything less than the gold you truly are.
xo
