𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 ₊˚⊹ ৻ꪆ
𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩: joel’s been acting different and you want to know why.
𝐟𝐭. jackson!joel miller x gn!reader
𝐰𝐜. 2k
𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬: one shot || sfw, fluff, angst if you squint, joel’s vulnerable, joel has bad dreams, he’s a lil sappy, established relationship, age-gap, joel is in his 50(s), reader is 21(+)
𝐚/𝐧: i might flush this out but instead in joel’s pov maybe,,,
Joel has picked up an interesting habit recently.
You don’t know why it started but every night, for more than a month, Joel has gone to bed and slept with his head on your chest. You think at first, maybe it’s just more comfortable for him to sleep like that, but now you really aren’t sure.
He never said anything once getting into bed. As soon as you were also ready for bed, he’d pull you directly into him. He’d lay his head and the full of his weight down on top of you. His arms would snake tight around your waist while his ear would press into your chest and then he’d just drift off to sleep, just like that. If you’d try to sleep on his chest or want to spoon, he wouldn’t sleep. He’d stay awake until you eventually would roll over and allow him to lay on top of you.
And it wasn’t a bad thing or unusual that he wanted to cuddle. You two would cuddle like any other normal couple— with his arm draped over your shoulders and your head laying on his chest during a movie. Or the rare occasion where he’d want to lay his head in your lap and let you play with his hair when you both had the day off.
And you really weren’t sure how you could bring it up to him without sounding weird about it. What lover complains about their partner and his sleeping habit? All because he wanted to sleep with his head on your chest? You were going to complain about that? Not that it was really a complaint, you just wanted to know why. Why every night, before he fell asleep, did he demand to sleep in the same position— with his head on your chest.
Had something happen to upset him recently? Had a patrol gone bad and he didn’t say anything about it? Was he just struggling to sleep? It’s not like he stayed in the same position all night long either, you both woke up in different positions by morning light.
You just…wanted the truth is all. And you finally had gathered the nerve to ask him about it one night.
The two of you had just finished a movie. You had cuddled the entire time; his hand on your thigh with your legs sprawled out across his own. His thumb had brushed the easiest circles into your skin, as if he silently reassured you to ask him of his newfound routine.
When the movie finished, Joel had yawned and patted your knee before heading to take a quick shower. And with nothing left for you to do as well, you just head to bed. Turning on a light to read a book as you wait for your lover to join you. Butterflies dance inside your stomach at the thought of having to ask Joel about his recent sleeping habit. You hated to pry and again, it wasn’t a horrible habit just…strange. It just felt like he was keeping something from you and you really didn’t enjoy that feeling.
So when Joel finally enters your shared room, hair still damp, dressed in his usual pj’s, he kisses you briefly before flipping the covers open. His hands gently tug at your waist to pull you down closer to him, before he settles in like he does every other night. Head on your chest and arms snug around your waist.
You sigh, shifting a little to get more comfortable yourself. You toss your book onto the nightstand beside you before turning off the bedside light. You smooth your hands down his back and take a deep breath; wondering if maybe Joel could hear how hard your heart was beating as you gather the nerve to speak.
“Joel?” You quietly ask, drawing circles across the wide of his back. A teeny, tiny, small part of you silently hopes he has already fallen asleep.
“Mhm?” Joel sighs softly, giving you a nice squeeze. His fingers mirror the circles you make against his back gently into your lower back.
You swallow hard, chewing on your bottom lip. “This is gonna sound strange, and please don’t take it like it’s a bad thing but,” You start, pretending to flick at imaginary fuzz on the back of his dark shirt. “Why…have you been wanting to sleep like this?”
Joel doesn’t say anything right away. And his silence unnerves you just a little. You think, for a split second, you’ve upset him. And you try to backtrack, to pretend like you never said anything about it at all but Joel squeezes you just a little tighter— keeping you from speaking.
“I just…like to hear your heartbeat.” Joel mutters under his breath, keeping his head settled on your chest. Keeping his gaze tipped down so you can’t fully see his vulnerable gaze.
“That all?” You ask, just as quiet. Continuing to run your fingers along his spine.
Another beat of silence stretches out between you two.
In the darkness, and with the way he’s lying, you can’t read his face. And you can’t really tell if maybe he’s just fallen asleep or if he’s just dodging the conversation.
“Joel?” You ask after several rough heartbeats.
Joel shifts ever so slightly at his name being called. So he was dodging the question.
“Joel.” You say, firmer this time.
“I’ve been having…nightmares again.” Joel finally admits. He presses his face tighter into your chest, ear planted firm over your heartbeat. “Your heartbeat helps.”
Of course. You should’ve known. When you had first met Joel, even before you became a couple, he had been plagued with nightmares. From his life before the cordyceps outbreak, to things he had done to survive the outbreak, to even things that happened before moving to Jackson. All things that he didn’t really want to speak about. And you never pushed him to do so. No matter how many sleepless night he had or the screaming you’d wake up to— you never forced him to do anything he didn’t want to.
But after a year or so of your relationship, his nightmares had slowly began to vanish. He slept easier, next to you, as time went by so of course you should’ve known it was the nightmares haunting him once more.
“Want to talk about it hun?” You ask, smoothing your fingers into the thick of his back— a reassuring gesture. You never pried or pushed him to talk about anything he didn’t want to, but at least the offer would be on the table for him to take.
Silence briefly greets you again. And you wait patiently for him to either say yes, no, or to have his snores answer for him instead.
“Just…nightmares about you. About losin’ ya.” Joel mumbles, taking a deep breath as he gives you another squeeze. “I keep seein’ ya, and we’re out on patrol. And at some point we get separated and then I just can’t catch up to ya...” Joel admits in a sour tone. Like he’s tasting blood and cooper on his tongue with every word.
You stay entirely silent as he speaks. Letting him work through the nightmare he has been experiencing for more than a month. Your fingers continue to brush along his broad back.
“And then I’m forced to watch as some damned Infected just…” Joel spits, trailing off— skipping the more…gruesome details about the dream. Doesn’t stop him from biting down on his bottom lip as he retells the plot of his nightmare. “If I fall asleep to your heartbeat, it means you're safe and here with me. And the nightmares don’t come.”
You nod your head, listening close to the words he speaks, while brushing your fingers against the back of his neck. Now, you couldn’t blame him for the routine. And felt even worse asking him about it. And while you had your fair share of bad dreams, they were never as aggressive as his were. And it broke your heart. But a small part of you was almost…glad that he found comfort in the sound of your heart to the point that it helped him sleep.
“Christ, I sound ridiculous don’t I?” Joel breaks the silence once again. He laughs just a little but you know better; it was just a front to hide his emotions.
“Hey,” you mumble, brushing your fingers through the curls on top of his head, pushing wet hair out of his eyes. “It’s not ridiculous. Thank you for telling me.” You add, smiling down at him.
Joel sighs at your words, leaning into the hand that caresses him. He tilts his head up just a little, glancing across your face. He stares for a few heartbeats, as if he’s trying really hard to remember every inch of your face; from the curve of your jaw to the dip of your lips, to the softness in your eyes when you look at him.
“I don’t know what I’d do…” Joel mumbles, so soft you can just barely hear him. “If I lost you.”
Your lips tilt into a somber smile as your hand brushes hair behind his ear. Your thumb trails down the edge of his jaw. You move delicately along his skin, reassuring him in every way possible that you knew how to. “Good thing you’ll never lose me. Sorry to say old man, you’re stuck with me.”
Joel laughs— a deep rumble from within his chest— this time very real and easy like. His entire body relaxes at your words and he returns to his previous position, eyes falling close as he hugs around you. “Wouldn’t want nobody else.” Joel yawns, taking a deep breath as sleep edges at his senses.
“Well I sure as hell hope you don’t.” You tease, laughing quietly along with him. You move to relax your arms across the broad of his back once more, hugging him back just as tightly. “I’d be kinda pissed if you did.”
“Wouldn’t want that now would we,” Joel playfully mutters. The sound of your heartbeat a soothing melody inside his head, quickly luring him into the depths of sleep. “You’re scary when yer’mad.”
If you weren’t about to fall asleep yourself, you might’ve given him a little love tap at his comment but you decide against it. Instead, you let the silence stretch between the two of you, taking it as time to finally relax. Where sleep quickly embraces you now that your anxiety about the situation has been resolved.
And from now on, you were more than happy to sleep like this.
@ 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐙𝐄𝐕𝐑𝐑𝐀 | 𝐃𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐄𝐋𝐒𝐄𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐖/𝐎 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍
@lowrisemiller