OCD is traumatizing . Get ERP , do the work , do the exposures , seek out being able to let the thoughts pass without engaging in the anxiety and seeing it as a reason to latch on . But also , allow yourself to grieve . I think this is something that is not talked a lot about in ERP because it is very behavioral based , and that is important , it works. But you are allowed to be upset that this is happening to you, you are allowed to take time to mourn what it was like before this , you are allowed to be angry , because this isn’t fair, it is not fair that you have to work this hard , it is not fair that you have to confront these thoughts every day, it is not fair that you have to train yourself every day to learn something new. Give yourself time to grieve , it is not your fault this is happening. I just wanted to say i see you , i know how painful it is. I am proud of you for every step you have taken and i hope things get easier with the work you absolutely need to put in. You are strong for doing so , and you certainly aren’t alone if you feel like your life has been completely changed, if this has been utterly traumatizing for you, i know it has for me. We will do the work , but the pain you are going through is a lot to handle , and you will never ever be the only one going through this no matter how out there you think your intrusive thoughts and obsessions are. They can be so damaging and its exhausting, and i am proud of any steps you have taken at all , even if you didn’t start realizing it till a minute ago. I see you