be a perfectionist
... you’re nothing if you’re just another
i.
She knew this room.
The nightmarish purple haze had vanished and Bellatrix found herself navigating shadows and corridors until she’d finally happened upon an unlocked room. A very familiar room. It wasn’t until she’d reached the center that things began to click. There was a lump in her throat as dark eyes settled upon the Black family tapestry --- and the two figures hovering in front of it. Their backs were to her, seemingly unmoved by her presence, and Bellatrix took a few hesitant steps forward their way. Darkness shrouded their profiles, rendering them unfamiliar in the dimly lit room, yet an unnerving shiver crept up her spine with every step she took in their direction, as if a small part of her was all too aware of who it was that awaited her.
Sounding vastly more confident than she felt, “--- who are you?”
The figures turned on their heels in tandem to face her and Bellatrix let out a shrill cry.
“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten us already, Bella.” Sirius grinned, teeth bared gruesomely against horribly charred skin, folds of it hanging off his face --- “Did you reckon she would have forgotten us so quickly, Andie?”
“You know, nothing much would surprise me with her, Sirius.” Andromeda answered, every bit of her as burnt to a crisp as her cousin. A leery eye all but dangled from its socket as it shifted towards Bellatrix who stumbled back in horror, hand flying to her mouth to stop herself from screaming. Andromeda clucked in disappointment. “I mean, we’re talking about the same person who tossed her family aside without batting an eye. Just swept us out of her life like we were rubbish. Oh, bless her, I think she’s scared.”
Sirius barked out a laugh. “Is she now? What’s the matter, Bella? Isn’t this ---” he gestured at himself and Andromeda with an ashy smile. “-- all we are to you?” He stepped aside to give her a full view of the family tapestry and tapped his fingers against the scorch marks over his and Andromeda’s names. “Isn’t this us in our truest state? Filth?”
Bellatrix thought she might throw up. There was a flurry of panic rising in her chest as she struggled to compose herself long enough to figure out what the hell was going on and make a run for it. Instinctively, she sought out her wand in the folds of her robes, scrambling for the door she’d entered through upon finding nothing. Sirius and Andromeda’s cold laughter and piercing voices followed her. “Running away now are we? I thought that was what blood traitors did best!”
“Tell us, Bella: was it worth it?”
Frantic hands struggled vainly with the door knob as it refused to budge. Heart hammering in her chest Bellatrix banged a fist against the door. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” she swore, jingling the knob uselessly. They were getting closer.
“Was it worth it to cut us out of your life? Are you happy now?” Andromeda jeered, that same eerie stare trailing after her in the darkness. “Are you happy now with that madman you chose over us?”
“Don’t suppose she can be considering he’s dead and all.” Sirius pointed out.
“Oh, that’s right! Got his head lopped right off, didn’t he?”
“Beautiful sight. Wish you could have been there to see it.”
“SHUT UP!”
She turned away from the door, deeming it a lost cause, and faced her disowned relatives. “I didn’t choose anyone over you! You were the ones that gave up on family!”
“We made a choice, just like you did!” Sirius shot back, glaring at her. “Difference is you chose to follow in a madman’s footsteps. You chose a psychopath over family.”
“Did it make you feel special, Bella?” Andromeda pressed. “Did it make you feel like our family name was really worth something? Like you were worth something?”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE!”
“Isn’t it?”
Bellatrix’s blood ran cold. Slowly, the door behind her creaked open and she stumbled backwards in fearful anticipation. A shadowy figure emerged and when their face came into view she felt a guttural scream erupt from the back of her throat. It was Regulus. Regulus with his face bloated and sickly. Regulus with his skin tinted a hideous, pale blue. Regulus with eyes bulging out of their sockets as they glowered down at her. Before she could even think to make another move to flee Sirius grabbed her from behind, pinning both her arms in back of her with brutish strength.
“So you didn’t choose Voldemort over me?” Regulus’ voice was pure ice cutting through the room, chilling gaze unwavering as he bent his head down, his wasted face nearing hers. Bellatrix squirmed futilely in her cousin’s arms, wincing when Regulus jabbed a finger beneath her chin to force her to meet his eyes. “You knew, Bella. You knew all along what I’d done. And all you did was write me off as another traitor. I died and yet you still chose him over me!” A hand lashed out and grabbed a fistful of her hair, voice bearing a cold ferocity she never would have thought to hear come from Regulus’ mouth. “... Did you cry when you made the choice to abandon me? Did you have nightmares about what you knew was in that lake? Or did you suck it up like the good little bitch you are and continue to bow and scrape at your beloved master’s feet? Did you cry when he died?”
Bellatrix spat in her youngest cousin’s face. He leaned back, unfazed. “You swore you’d protect me.”
“You swore you’d protect me.” Andromeda echoed.
“And me.” Sirius chimed in.
Their voices echoed around the room in terrifying unison as she forced her eyes shut, willing herself to block them out. Goawaygoawaygoaway! “I’m sorry!” she cried out in a last-ditch effort to get them to just s t o p. Chest heaving, she looked up at Andromeda’s sickening, blackened skin with pleading eyes. “But we were sorry first, Bella.” she responded grimly. “And we are sorry more.” She turned her face away and cast her gaze around the room before uttering a single word: “Incendio.”
Like clockwork the room came alive in flames, ascending into a raging inferno in a manner of seconds. The fire blazed furiously and swallowed whole the tapestry as thick, black smoke engulfed them all. Bellatrix took in mouthfuls of ash, insides burning. “Please,” she rasped, fighting still against Sirius’ hold while the unforgiving flames licked the hem of her robes. “Please.”
“Stop struggling, Bella,” he advised. “All this stress is bad for the baby.”
“The - the what?”
“Oh, look, she’s showing!” Andromeda trilled, gesturing at her stomach with a repellent smile.
No. This can’t be happening. Not again.
“Might as well take the damned thing out of its misery.” Through stinging eyes Bellatrix barely made out Regulus’ silhouette as he moved forward amidst the smoke, a glint of silver in his hand. Realization dawned on her and Bellatrix let out one final, strangled scream as he plunged a dagger into her stomach.
ii.
“Bella, your mother has some concerns about you.”
“Really? That’s a first.”
“Bella.”
“I’m not wrong.”
With a passing smile Bellatrix pulled up the chair in front of her father’s desk, seating herself to face him with a confident ease. There were few things she took as much pride in as her relationship with her father. Oh, Druella would jump at the chance to auction her off limb by limb, never having put forth any effort to hide her obvious disdain for her eldest daughter, but Cygnus was different. In Cygnus’ eyes she knew she was worth something. She wasn’t cattle being raised for the slaughter ( so her views on marriage were a little drastic), a thing to be dolled up and shackled. She mattered. She was capable and brilliant, allowed an input, encouraged to speak her mind. She was the son he’d never had. And in their household such a thing was to be cherished.
He loved her. She was certain he did.
But today Cygnus did not appear to be in the mood for any of their usual lightheartedness. Brow furrowed, he shuffled some papers on his desk before finally raising his eyes to meet her own --- was that disappointment she saw there? Bellatrix shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
“Your mother came to me today with some concerns over the... company you’ve chosen to keep.”
“... Excuse me?”
Cygnus exhaled, clasping his hands together over the desk. “The Prewetts, Bella. Specifically Gideon and Molly Prewett. Your mother worries that you’ve been spending too much time with them, allowing them to cloud your better judgement. She mentions having seen you sneak out of our functions with the Prewett boy more than once ---”
“That’s because they’re boring, it doesn’t mean any ---”
“Do not interrupt me when I’m speaking, Bella.” he cut in sharply.
Bellatrix deflated, mouth hanging open slightly. A slap across the face would have stung less. “Sor---”
“So you’ll stop seeing them. Indefinitely. You’ll stay away from the girl during our functions and at school, and... it’s probably best you not attend the boy’s graduation next week. Better to start burning bridges sooner rather than later. Then we can put all this ugly business behind us.”
Cygnus’ words were spoken with such an air of finality that Bellatrix actually faltered in voicing her reasoning as to why this was so completely and utterly unfair. They’d already robbed her of enough free will to last a lifetime, and she’d stomached it all for the sake of honoring their family. Now they thought they deserved a say in who she befriended, too? ... Fuck that. Gideon and Molly were far from the most conventional purebloods out there and it was true that they’d clashed dozens of times over their differing degrees of tolerance, but as far as she was concerned they still met the mark for “respectable company.” Beyond that they were entertaining. Different, while still similar enough to not be outright breaking with tradition. A breath of fresh air amidst the monotony.
Something decisively bitter tainted her tone as she chanced speaking up again, “... An arranged marriage isn’t enough, then? You and Druella don’t already have your hands full with mapping out the rest of my bloody life? I don’t - I don’t see what the problem is with the Prewetts.”
The look directed her way spoke volumes on how dangerous this path she was choosing to embark on was, but Bellatrix disregarded it, chin raised in pointed defiance. She had to draw the line somewhere. There were only so many more freedoms she could forsake in the name of family, and she knew her father would understand --- he would. He just had to hear her out was all. He wasn’t like her. “Careful, Bella,” he warned, eyes steeling over in a manner that chilled her to the bone. “One might think you’re starting to sympathize with blood traitors. This wouldn’t be the first time, either.”
“The Prewetts aren’t blood traitors,” she insisted. “And what are you talking about?”
“They might as well be. The way their mother lets those boys run around wreaking havoc, destroying everything they come in contact with. It’s embarrassing. When was the last time you heard any of their lot pledge support to our cause? All I remember is the property damage we’re landed with whenever they decide to grace us with their presence. If they’re not blood traitors yet, they’re well on their way, believe me.” Cygnus scoffed, a disgusted sneer clouding his stern features as if the thought alone of the Prewett family’s indecency was enough to induce indigestion. Then his expression became stone. “I’m talking about Sirius, Bella.”
She stiffened; not this again. “He’s just a boy.”
“A boy treading down the wrong path. Orion tells me he cares very little for our values.”
“He’s eight. He’s too young to understand half of them, no matter how much your brother tries beating it into him.”
“You know very well that’s not our place to intervene in.”
“He’s family.”
“And one could only hope he remains as such.”
“So, that’s how we handle things? We write people off as lost causes, excommunicate them on the off chance that they might end up blood traitors? Shouldn’t we stick around to make sure they don’t?”
“You’re exaggerating, Bella.”
“No, I’m not, actually. I’ll cut them off when they give me absolute reason to. Until then I reckon I’ve done more than my share for this family and I don’t plan on sacrificing anymore for something so ridiculous.”
“--- Excuse me?”
If she hadn’t been toeing the line before Bellatrix was certain she was practically leaping over it now. Daring to speak up was one thing; outright refusing her father was another. She’d often wondered if that was what her life ultimately boiled down to: rules. Dozens and dozens of rules she had to learn to submit to and limit herself by. What to do, what not to do; how to lead a life that was never hers to begin with. And she’d put up with it all --- her mother’s crazed perfectionism, the etiquette lessons, the pinchy shoes, the pointless sweet talk, the dancing and dullness and pretension --- on the basis that it meant something. That s u f f o c a t i n g in her own skin would eventually be worth it because at least she still belonged to the most powerful and illustrious family in the Wizarding World; at least her father still valued her as something other than a pretty face to marry off; at least she still had a chance to be someone outside of this vapidness. But it was beginning to look as if they would just take and take and take until she was nothing but another shiny trophy to put on display.
Overlooking the way her father’s fingers began clutching at the edges of his desk she set her jaw. “... I’m tired of this. Just let me have something that’s mine for once.”
Cygnus stood up from his desk and Bellatrix winced in anticipation. “... If you think you’re better than this, Bellatrix, if you think you’re better than our family and our beliefs then I would have you pack your bags right now and leave this house.”
It was as if something SNAPPED within her.
As if someone had brandished a pair of scissors and cut through the last string of restraint she’d been conditioned in over the years, letting all that resentment and anger burst through to the surface. Bellatrix came alive with ire, jumping to her feet in a hot flash of fury. Is that what he thought? After everything she’d done? After everything she’d given up?
“Do not question my loyalty! I’ve done everything for this family, for our beliefs, short of killing myself. Don’t you ever, ever tell me I haven’t when I’ve given up my life for them! I’ve done more than Narcissa and Andromeda, more than Sirius and Regulus, more than ---” before she could stop herself, before she could even think about the consequences “--- more than you.”
Cygnus looked as if he might kill her. “Hold. Your. Tongue. You haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about ---”
“Don’t I?” She gave a shrill laugh. “You throw your fancy dinner parties and preach your pretty gospel, talking about changing things while sitting on your arses and selling your daughters off to the highest bidder. But that’s it. You can hide behind your beautiful manors and boatloads of gold to try and convince yourself otherwise, but none of you do anything worthwhile. None of you are willing to fight for what you believe in. You sneer at filth, but aren’t capable of lifting a finger to help eliminate them. So don’t talk to me about ‘honoring our beliefs’. I’m willing to fight tooth and nail for them - kill for them - while you and Druella busy yourselves with seating charts and pastels and pretend you’re actually making a difference in the world.”
It happened in the blink of an eye. One second she was standing, chest heaving, eyes burning into her father’s --- and the next his fist was colliding with her mouth and she was on the floor, back forced up against the wall as blood spurted from her lip. An initial reflex to cry out in shock was quickly stifled by the merciless hand that seized her neck, squeezing tight. She couldn’t breathe. Bellatrix clawed at her father’s hand in a desperate attempt to get him to loosen his grip and he responded in kind: her head was brutally banged up against the wall and for a moment she saw stars. “Now, you listen to me closely, Bellatrix,” he hissed, hot breath grazing past her skin. “My place in my family will not be questioned by an insolent little girl deluded enough to think she can take on the world. I’ve always done right by you all, by everything us Blacks have stood for since before you were even born. Your ambition makes you no better than I.”
His fingers pressed down hard on her collarbone with bruising force, even as she squirmed and flailed for air. But he didn’t budge. His constricting grip didn’t slacken. If anything she could have sworn that his hands only tightened around her throat with every poisonous syllable he spat out for her benefit. Slowly, the room around her began to fade out into a painful, red blur, warm blood pooling in her mouth. Even as she clung to the feeble hope that one of her sisters might barge into the room and prove her saving grace, the sharp ache in her lungs overwhelmed her. Through watery eyes Bellatrix could barely make out her father’s face, features twisted in fury. He was going to kill her.
“---- you’ve overreached yourself. You’re still just a woman. Learn your place.”
*****
“Bella? Bella! Bella, sweetheart, wake up. Please wake up!”
Something kept shaking her, willing her back to consciousness. She wanted to tell them to go, but they were insistent --- desperate. Eventually, her eyelids fluttered open and through shaky vision she was allowed a glimpse of the voice behind the begging: Cygnus hovered over her, face stricken. He stared down at his bloodied hands with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if the notion that they were tainted with his daughter’s blood was one too frightening to come to terms with. “I didn’t --- I didn’t mean to --- I ---” His frantic muttering was cut short by Bellatrix abruptly turning on her side, spitting out blood onto the floor and gasping for air. Cygnus recoiled in horror then propped her up in his arms, brushing aside black curls and wiping blood off her face with his sleeve in a crazed frenzy of sorts. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...” he continued, voice scarcely louder than a whisper. “This - this will never, never happen again, I swear to you, Bella.” He held her close and she wriggled against his grip, eyes stinging with terrified tears. “We won’t tell anyone of this. It never happened. And we’ll - we’ll make sure it never does again won’t we?” A shaky smile. “You just - just listen to what I have to tell you. You do as I say. And - and everything will be okay. You’ll see.”
Bellatrix’s broken lip wavered, too afraid to say anything to the contrary. Her father’s mad, desperate stare intensified. “It’s alright now, Bella; how’s about a smile?”
Everything will be okay.
