It’s so interesting what being with someone who completely dismantles your regulation system will do.
I used to reach out my arm at night, reaching for connection. To get hit square in the nose for even trying. After a while, I learned to be completely still, to not make a noise. To never use my phone in bed. If I was uncomfortable and didn’t sleep, it was better than waking up with my face bruised and sore again.
The narcissistic pull, the way they could make me feel as if I am so special. Followed by the intense push of being told I will never be loved, not by anyone but especially not by them. All to be woke up the next morning and told to take their kid to school. As if I wasn’t just told less than 12 hours before, that I was, indeed, unlovable.
Even after years, I still find myself having these intense nightmares. Nightmares in which everyone I have ever cared for abandons me.
I’ll go to work. I’ll sit at home. I’ll play my little games. I’ll ignore that deep ache telling me I deserve such love.
The love in me lies dormant. I’ve locked her away. She cries so loud, sometimes I let her free. A quick 15 minute run before she reluctantly walks back into her cell, hearing the clicks of the locks behind her. She knows the routine.
It would be unfair to let myself believe that love is safe.