This evening was bliss, in a way. Before I left I practised my fake fake smile in the mirror until I got it right, something I never thought I'd have to do. Dressed all in black- aside from the shoes 'bright pink laces are so punk rock, I'm still goth!'- I climbed in my Hearse. My mother spoke talking about my youth, when I was small(er). My funny one liners and the way I spoke, things she thought she'd remember but time took. When we entered the hall I was nervous and couldn't stop being anxious but then I sat with sam and Sasha an izzy and conversation flowed. The fake smiles stopped, I glowed. Izzy and I went up to the bar and she asked me if I thought we could buy alcohol if we tricked them into thinking it was for our parents and bantering about if it was really a bar (it was, there was a sign saying ****s bar). Ron joined us and the night flew by Ella tapped her way through our time and everyone played like it was the time of their lives. In a room full of elderly and old time friends I was no one else, I was just myself. I was not the girl with fresh marks on her stomach red and sore, worse than before, it hadn't been that bad for a while, I was not useless, I was not a failure, I did not have to be somebody, my black clothes did not land me in a stereotype. I was settled in my skin I was the girl with the opportunities and folk music tapping through my fingers and feet. I could sing, I could dance and I laugh in my seat around our table. My mum compared it to midsummer murders- A similar scene. My friend a I deduced who would be killed (the man singing in a suit with a pocket watch) and I laughed when izzy said I hope someone dies (you odd girl I love your company). We discovered a drug dealer by his little-flip-phone and the subtle sniffing of his nose. And you know maybe I felt at home, with these people that demanded nothing, only slightly outside of my comfort zone. When the break descended I grew too hot after my (awful) coffee (i swear there was something in it) I dragged izzy outside to the dark damp road, running down the slight ramp from parking lot to road, chasing rain drops we never caught yelling and laughing when we did after all, Sasha Sam and Ron came searching I hugged them all, Sam remarked how odd my urge to climb on the roof was (I told him about the glowy lights). Inside Lindsay's piece started up with Ella's tapping, it's a waltz she said, izzys look to me was obvious 'I know how to waltz!'. Grabbing my hand at the back of the room she pulled me up and showed me where to place my feet, laughter stepping and spinning we stumbled our way a few turned to watch (more it turned out) laughing we fumbled our way through a messy cliche, I'm sure I saw Ella's eyes catch our moves. Ron yelling 'it's supposed to be in threes!' (That did actually help). Collapsing in our seats panting and laughing claps all around for the music and few directed at us. An elderly women knocked our shoulders 'girls that was very good I'm impressed, just make your steps smaller, it's easier then.' Smiling and laughing izzy dragged me outside she want us to practice, we hurried outside where a smoker stood. He left not long after started, we got it down adding in a spin then she dipped me (I just bent backwards) I spun izzy and dipped (actually managing a dip this time not bend). Another came outside took one look and left. Izzy peeked through the kitchen window, I knocked and ran as joes voice called out izzy blaming me running after calling 'heyyyy come back here you'. We feel, through the side door. For a while I stood with my mum, awkward and nervous from strangers everywhere I soon went back to the table I sat. Izzy laughing about our awesome waltz, wanting to show the others and go on the stage. We didnt get a chance before I left, but I hope the night, I'll never forget. I hope it doesn't take to the twisters of time. As we left the hall early mum spoke in a quiet hush. The was something magical about the scene of the night,it seemed so perfect. The warmth of the night 15 degrees. The puddles were mirrors, showing so perfectly the street signs and side banks, I thought they would shatter. And streetlights shining onto the pavements, glowing them gold. I don't need to turn this night into poetry, it already is. The sweat settled onto my skin feels like home, and the memory of this night is still soft against my wound into my clothes and settled over my shoulders and skin. It's so beautiful it's an ache in my chest I know will go in the morning light, it will seem so different and not even real, and it's sad I have to say goodbye to something so sweet, such a gentle ache. It didn't seem perfect at the time, but maybe it could have been, maybe it was. I think it was. I don't want to go. To sleep means to lose but we must all say goodnight at some point tonight. I cannot keep it forever I must keep it together, I cannot live in a moment and not have my life. I must live my life even if it means losing the feeling of tonight. I'm glad I didn't kill myself, the numb moment today with tears running down my face, I'm glad I didn't kill myself. There would have been one empty chair, one less dance, less laughs, one less go at the stumbling steps of the waltz. Tonight I was myself. I'm glad I didn't kill myself today.
