:(
(part two)
the part where luhan has pulled back because minseok has ordered him to so, as the beta, he does.
he pretends he doesn't know, turns away whenever he sees minseok rushing upstairs after someone is punished. he's silent and discreet during the few occasions he follows minseok to make sure that the alpha is okay and, in doing so, luhan runs into sehun one evening when zitao and jongin are punished.
sehun grips luhan's arm a little too tightly than the youngest should be doing to his beta and luhan could punish him for it but luhan will never use that power again and, after meeting sehun's eyes, he realizes that sehun knows that luhan will never.
"because you know," sehun says, eyebrows raised, "don't you, hyung?"
luhan wishes it didn't hurt as much as it did that minseok trusts sehun more than his own beta.
(and it hurts even more to tell himself that it's all about luhan being minseok's beta and nothing about luhan being minseok's friend)
he wrenches his arm out of sehun's grasp and turns away without another word. he can't look sehun in the eyes, but it doesn't matter anyway. sehun walks away first, leaving luhan to stand outside minseok's closed (locked) bedroom door alone.
it's the second punishment after the night when luhan found out. last time, he simply resorted to avoiding going upstairs until everyone was already asleep and minseok was already knocked out too. tonight, for some reason, luhan couldn't just ignore it like that. he wanted to at least talk with minseok afterwards about maybe giving fewer punishments or just--something.
he gives it another thirty minutes, playing around on his phone, before he turns and lifts his hand to knock on the door--
only to have it open before his knuckles touch the wood.
and minseok's eyes are red-rimmed and wet, nose and cheeks pink and all luhan can do when he sees that is blurt that why did minseok punish them for so long, why did he punish them so hard and luhan doesn't care that this is the third time zitao's been caught fighting or jongin had just finished his clan probation.
luhan doesn't care.
but minseok doesn't argue back like last time. he doesn't snap, he doesn't push luhan away. instead, he pulls luhan into the room, hands luhan a small, rolled up towel and
you're right i did it for too long and it was too much and luhan-ah can you sleep with me tonight luhan-ah you have to make sure i don't scream luhan-ah i don't think i can keep quiet alone luhan-ah i'm scared luhan-ah i can't scream i can't no one can hear tie it into my mouth wake me up whatever it takes no one can hear please luhan-ah please
if luhan is terrified, if luhan is just as scared, if luhan is breaking apart inside, he doesn't let any of it show because he's not the one who has to hold eleven threads together just the way they've been knotted. he's not the one who has to keep them tied tightly, taut and whole and, he's not the one who has to burn from the inside out when a single one loosens.
he just has to watch minseok be that one.
luhan just has to silence minseok with a towel in the alpha's mouth when he wakes up screaming and sweating and sobbing, no tears just wracking sobs that shake his body until he's delirious with pain and clinging onto luhan just like that one night weeks ago. the only difference is that he falls back to sleep as fast as he'd woken up, before luhan could even say a word.
he wakes again screaming within the hour, and it goes on every hour until sunlight streams through the blinds.
luhan is still in the clothes he came into minseok's room in. jeans and the sweatshirt he'd come back from class in the day before. he hasn't slept a wink and he's never felt more awake in his life.
minseok's screams, he thinks bitterly, are more effective than any energy drink, any espresso shot, he's ever had.
it reads some time past eight in the morning when minseok finally wakes--really wakes up. without the haze of agony blurring his gaze, and his face is flushed red and he looks as tired as luhan feels. minseok doesn't look like he's slept either.
the blankets have all but been kicked to the floor and the towel has been all but torn up by minseok's teeth--sharper than normal humans when put to the test, but otherwise unnoticeable. the only trait that carries over when they are all in human form.
"sorry," minseok whispers. the alpha's voice is nearly gone. "and," he pulls out of luhan's arms, "thanks."
those are his only words to luhan before he asks luhan to leave so minseok can get ready for class.
nine days later and baekhyun scratched zitao's neck during a hunt.
this time, luhan follows minseok up to his bedroom and luhan is the one who closes and locks the door and catches minseok because the alpha doesn't even make it to the bed and
the sobs are no longer dry.
minseok is crying. minseok cries and pleads and cries and cries and begs a nameless face to make it stop, begs and begs and begs and asks and screams and shouts and sobs and luhan wishes he could let minseok cry it out and scream it out the way the other pack members always can because it does relieve the pain just a little, makes it a little more bearable, but luhan can't do that because that's not what minseok wants.
luhan has to muffle every sound of agony that comes from minseok's mouth with his sleeve, has to let minseok bite down on luhan's arm nearly hard enough to break skin.
it's not as horrible as the nightmares. everything is relative, luhan starts to realize, and minseok recovers fairly quickly. comes back to himself in less than half an hour, and in another ten minutes, minseok is sitting up on his own, pushing away from luhan again (and luhan still wonders why that hurts--why it stings a little in luhan's chest whenever minseok leaves his arms because it shouldn't because it means minseok is no longer in pain).
"so i do help," luhan says, and he tries to make it as clear as possible that he's joking. tries to make the moment lighter than it could ever have a right to be.
minseok leans back against one of the legs of his bed, folding his legs against his chest and wrapping both arms around them. he blinks wetly at luhan for a moment, tears still clinging to his eyelashes before those eyes suddenly crinkle up into crescents.
the smile is weak, but it's gummy and soft. "a little," minseok says, and he's sniffling into his sleeve as he tries to joke back, "don't flatter yourself."
(if luhan's heart beats a little too fast in that moment
no one can hear anyway)
"are you hungry?" luhan asks suddenly, too abruptly and he cringes inwardly but he's already blurted it and minseok is already tilting his head.
the alpha rubs his hair out of his eyes, and it sticks up against his forehead from being so soaked with perspiration. "ramyeon?" minseok counters luhan, standing up slowly. the smile this time is fuller, less weary. "we can share."
"only if you're cooking," luhan grins.
minseok snorts, and luhan has never felt more relieved (he's okay). "like i'd let you near a stove."
(except a week later, minseok does let luhan near a stove and luhan doesn't burn the apartment down, he just makes minseok a fairly successful cup of tea to settle the alpha's stomach after minseok pukes up his entire dinner because jongin, baekhyun, zitao, and kyungsoo all had to be punished in one night and minseok was crying for one hour, screaming for one, and vomiting for another
and maybe the week after that, no one has to be punished and minseok isn't screaming or sobbing at all, but he decides to make luhan some midnight coffee anyway because i like making coffee and he smiles at luhan as he hands over the steaming mug and the coffee keeps them awake through the whole night so they talk and talk and talk until they're too tired of staying indoors so they play soccer outside just as the sun rises
and maybe, after weeks and weeks and weeks and cups upon cups of coffee and tea and bowls upon bowls of ramyeon later, midnights spent downstairs in the living room watching movies to help minseok forget about the nightmares, evenings spent holding minseok while he shakes and sobs
maybe after luhan knows more about minseok than any beta needs to ever know about his alpha, maybe after luhan realizes he doesn't even see minseok as his alpha anymore
maybe they kiss
maybe luhan closes the distance between their mouths while minseok is adding milk to their coffee that night because luhan knows that minseok would never do it first because minseok can't because he's the alpha and he would never want to order luhan to love him but luhan does love him and luhan wants to be one better than kim minseok's beta
don't cry when they cut you and minseok's laugh is the brightest thing luhan has ever seen.
i'm not scared of the knife luhan's arms are tight around minseok's waist and he's never going to let go i just don't like seeing blood
you've never watched a bonding before, have you minseok's snort is just amused and his breath flutters against luhan's cheek. blood everywhere, luhan-ah
then luhan kisses minseok, takes his time and he makes it long and deep until minseok pulls away first for breath i'll just look at you
you're an idiot minseok's arms are thrown around luhan's neck, face buried in luhan's shoulder i hope chanyeol laughs himself sick at you
luhan smiles)