#wolvesau

[redmoondragon-art]

Inktober Day 3 - Wolves  Fsr I got really into wolves today so I decided to make Black Hat and Flug as a wolf. So now we got El Lobo Negro or Black Wolf Or just Black Hat idk.  Wolves AU is a thing now. 

[andympierce-blog]

Andy couldn’t keep that girl out of her mind. Part of her wasn’t even sure if she was real. She felt real. She had touched her, but she totally could have been apart of some crazy hallucination caused from not drinking enough water before her morning run. She knew she had to go back to her. She wanted to see her. She packed up a lunch box with pretty basic foods, things that she knew a dog with eat, seeing as the girl did run with wolves. She knew that wolves moved around a lot but her home had to be close to where she ventured off, she was so young, there was no way the wolves who had taken her in would allow her to travel very far from home without supervision. She went alone this time, entering the woods in the same spot she had before she started to walk, not really sure what would lead her to the girl or if she was about to embark on a long ass journey only to be mauled at the end by a group of pissed of wolves. She hadn’t been walking for very long when she heard rustling in the trees behind her, she ignored it at first but after five minutes she could tell that the noise was following her. She stopped and turned swiftly, looking into the trees. “Hello?” she called out, pulling out a piece of the food she had stored in the cooler and set it on the ground, hoping to lure whatever was hiding out, though she hoped it wasn’t a rabid animal.

[incendir]

a/n: this will only make sense if you've read mai's fic in my wolvesau first

                                               ----------

minseok has always been the most controlled out of all of them. even with the amount of raw power that pounds through his veins, he still has yet to have any incidence where he is more animal than human. every single one of them, aside from their alpha, has had their own individual experience of watching their gazes clouded with black and red--some of them, more than just a single instance.

it’s more circumstantial than anything else, that alphas are not as susceptible to wavering control as the pack members they lead. challenges to position, challenges of authority and status, are usually the main impetuses for a wolf’s command over his or her own sentience slipping, as well as the wolf’s own natural or trained grasp. minseok, already born with incredible mastery of the fine line between the beast within him and its hold on himself as a person, is even more frightening once trained.

that being said, what happens at the first conclave their pack attends after minseok’s kidnapping--the brush with the rogues, junmyeon’s subsequent reinstatement--can only be described as inherently that much more frightening, even though luhan has to fight off the state of mind that has him smiling from ear to ear all the way home as junmyeon tells him to please stop smiling everyone probably hates us now.

conclaves are attended only by packs of the younger generation, a tradition set up by the elders for forming inter-pack relations. there are always formalities to open up every conclave, held usually once or twice a year, with the alphas and betas all shaking hands and exchanging names for the new packs that pop up. five or six elders are there at the beginning to mediate the formal interactions before they lead the way from the conference halls to the large, underground fields built specifically for the part of the conclaves that really mattered.

the historical significance behind it is to honor the way that their ancestors would have to constantly be fighting, battling, other packs in order to maintain their own territory and loved ones. before the idea of packs living peacefully in succession with order-maintained regions as well as ceremonial bonding so that a wolf did not have to constantly endanger his life in order to keep his mate from being stolen, that was the life the wolves of the past led.

naturally, in this way, there are no death matches. wolves from older packs, most often parents of wolves in the younger generations, keep close watch refereeing the matches while the elders usually stood by in case there were particularly gruesome injuries that called for immediate attention.

how a conclave went is, like most all other social events--whether human or wolf, dependent on those attending. for the most part, the ones that luhan has attended in his time with the pack--as they didn’t have this tradition in china--have been more or less civil. there were the inevitable break-outs when several hundred young wolves are crammed into a space under the guise of fostering friendships but pitted against each other for battle. aside from that, and aside from the also inevitable rumor mills that raged rampant at these sorts of gatherings, conclaves ended with everyone alive and no permanent injuries.

with that being said, however, the alpha of one of the most powerful rising packs in their area being taken out of his own bed and held captive for weeks on end--rogues acting up in the area, a nearly unheard of transfer of power between beta and fourth-in-line--and both the gossip and what other packs understood as acceptable had spiraled slightly out of control.

those rumors are how, while all of the packs are moving into their assigned sections in the stadium to begin watching the battles, luhan finds himself pulled aside on his way from the restroom. the boy who tugs at his wrist is one that luhan has found easy conversation with at previous conclaves, jianmin, another wolf sent from china to merge his pack with one of the korean ones. he gets along well with wufan and yixing as well, although, for reasons the younger wolf refuses to explain fully, zitao never has.

luhan smiles as jianmin starts up speaking in his usual, cheerful way. jianmin is an alpha, a rarity among the merged packs, but his control and power rival minseok’s, and yixing has said that in changsha, jianmin has been hailed in a similar way that minseok is here in seoul. jianmin is around jongin’s height, so luhan has to lean back against the wall of the small corridor, tilting his face up slightly to watch what the younger man has to say about all that his pack has been up to lately.

luhan is about to excuse himself to head back when jianmin brings the conversation decidedly out of safe waters and right into the mouth of the dragon.

“so i heard you aren’t beta anymore.”

luhan purses his lips, but jianmin’s expression seems to neither mock nor hold any ill-intent, merely curious. luhan shrugs, conceding. “i’m not,” he says. “our pack is more at ease this way, anyway. i feel better, as well, honestly.”

jianmin nods, considering. he raises his eyebrows as he begins to walk alongside luhan, most likely needing to head back as well. “but you’re still minseok’s mate?”

luhan pauses for a short moment, mid-step, to glance up at the other man, brow furrowing. “why wouldn’t i be?”

jianmin shakes his head with a smile tugging at his full lips, blond-dyed hair falling into his eyes with the motion. his arm is hanging lightly around luhan’s shoulders, a gesture luhan is more than used to among other wolves at large assemblies, but for some reason there is something different this time as compared to all the other many times jianmin pulls him in for a greeting or farewell.

as it turns out, when they reach the strip of seats for the merged packs, luhan and jianmin’s packs have been assigned to sit in the corner together, nearly facing each other with the way the architecture rounds off. luhan’s brow furrows deeper when he realizes that minseok and junmyeon aren’t sitting. they are standing on ground level, having come down from the upper level seats, and junmyeon is standing in between minseok and the female wolf who luhan recognizes as jianmin’s beta.

luhan will later hear from zitao that she had stirred up conversation with junmyeon and minseok about the reinstatement, the kidnapping, and had dropped more than just light hints about how jianmin had assumed that what had been rumored to have happened to minseok during his time held captive meant that he and luhan had drifted apart--that, perhaps, what those rogues had done to minseok rendered him not alpha enough anymore--that perhaps wolves who have always expressed interest in luhan during previous conclaves would begin showing themselves more adamantly.

but presently, all that runs through luhan’s mind is confusion when minseok’s gaze finds his and the alpha’s eyes narrow in a way that luhan has learned to recognize as his mate sensing danger. that in itself already confounds luhan, but the confusion grows when minseok says, in a voice that luhan can only ever describe as an alpha’s voice, “luhan, come here.”

luhan looks back and forth from jianmin’s bright and amused grin to junmyeon’s irritated eyes to jianmin’s beta’s smug smile.

“inseo,” jianmin says, tugging lightly at his beta’s ponytail. “what’s going on?”

“just trying to find out what everyone wants to know,” she says, dimples in her pale cheeks as her eyes dart from junmyeon’s face to minseok’s. “all the real shit that went down.”

luhan can feel the tension radiating from minseok’s body in great waves, but normally, luhan is able to recognize the sort of tension--whether worry for a member of their pack or disappointment in a member’s actions, occasionally concern over a particularly difficult hunt approaching. but this tension is foreign, and the closest luhan can pin it to is how minseok’s body tenses and readies to shift in moments of unexpected threat.

“he was kidnapped by a pack of rogues who didn’t know any better,” junmyeon says shortly. “what else is there to know?”

inseo scoffs and raises her eyebrows coolly at junmyeon, but jianmin’s eyes are fixed still on luhan with an expression that luhan doesn’t know how to decipher. luhan suddenly feels minseok’s hip bump into his and, even when he finds out the mechanisms behind it later on--all the biology to back it, he still will never be able to explain in words the strange sensation of feeling a demand--an order.

there is a wordless, unspoken command that suddenly announces itself in luhan’s mind, clouding his thoughts and leaving no chance for him to disobey even if he’d had the inclination to. his arm moves almost without him knowing, wrapping itself around minseok’s waist tightly. a following command, inserted into luhan’s body as if attempting to disguise itself as his own idea though the thought is too obviously foreign, has luhan’s fingers digging into minseok’s side and pulling the alpha closer.

luhan is about to apologize, glancing down with every intent to try and brush this off and remove his arm because he knows how far minseok is from the sort of mate who likes to parade their bond in plain sight for other wolves to see. when he looks at minseok, when their eyes meet and luhan finds that even though he tries to move his arm, his body has a mind of its own--or rather--another mind has luhan’s body.

minseok’s gaze is not minseok--minseok’s pupils are blown wide, irises a deep red. luhan feels his breath catch in his chest, unable to break the gaze even though he has to tell junmyeon right away--right now--because junmyeon is still glaring off with inseo with his arms folded as she pitters on about more of the gossip that has been surrounding their pack. jianmin, however, still has his eyes focused on luhan’s face, following the exchange between him and minseok, and decides, in all of his absurd glory, to calmly direct to junmyeon, “you could tell us what the rogues did to your alpha, for starters. or is that not up on the table for discussion?”

the vein in junmyeon’s throat visibly pulses.

“why d’you want to know what they did to me?” minseok asks, and luhan tries to will junmyeon to turn around and look at minseok’s eyes. jianmin, for certain, along with inseo, see that minseok is not minseok right now, and for some inexplicable reason, are only smiling wider because of it.

luhan thinks perhaps zitao is right about jianmin.

jianmin tucks his hands into his pockets and shrugs his shoulders lightly. “there’s been so much shit floating around--i thought maybe the rumors are just trying to paint you in a bad way, y’know? maybe you could clear things up and we could help you with that.”

“what’re the rumors saying?” junmyeon asks flatly, side-stepping in a way that puts him directly in front of minseok.

jianmin looks right at luhan as he says, “that kim minseok let the rogues do some things to him that no self-respecting alpha would’ve let happen to himself--especially an alpha who already claimed a mate.”

luhan’s jaw tightens, teeth digging into the insides of his cheeks. after the last outburst he’d had, the night junmyeon’s relationship with jongdae had been revealed to the pack, the elders had input a suppression onto luhan’s power reserves so that he physically would never be able to accidentally unleash that sort of chaos ever again--but his raw power is great enough that when there is something threatening around him, he can feel the seams of the suppression struggling to contain it. the feeling is gnawing and uncomfortable, and even though he knows it won’t break, he still has to stifle the discomfort.

“what things?” minseok’s voice matches jianmin in lightness, but luhan winces at how much this isn’t minseok’s voice--and luhan has no idea who’s voice it is because minseok has never lost it like this before.

“hyung,” junmyeon says, a frown in his voice, as he turns around.

junmyeon freezes.

the beta’s eyes meet luhan’s and then flicker back to minseok’s face, and luhan signals with a small shake of his head that he has no idea what is going on and why didn’t junmyeon turn around sooner?

“hyung,” junmyeon repeats, stepping back slightly, “maybe we should--”

“maybe you should listen to jianmin-oppa and the fair warning he’s trying to give your alpha,” inseo snorts. she fixes her eyes on minseok. “it’s a miracle that you still have a mate after however many rogues fucked you open, but no one takes that kind of alpha seriously so don’t play a victim when every wolf stronger than you here tries to take him.” she glances at luhan appraisingly, “he’s pretty enough that i’d take him.”

luhan is the closest so luhan is the one to first grab onto minseok’s legs (the only part luhan is able to grab with how quickly minseok moves) as denim beneath luhan’s palms shifts to soft fur and then luhan’s hands are no longer enough. junmyeon has already shifted and thrown himself between minseok and jianmin, and from there it’s a blur of figures--zitao, sehun, and jongin nearly flying out of their seats, having watched the tension build but unable to act without orders or instigation. the members of jianmin’s pack are coming down as well and inseo has also already shifted.

inseo has already been pinned to the ground by minseok’s vast wolf form.

“for the love of god,” kyungsoo mutters, taking luhan by the sleeve and pulling him backwards away from the fray. “what are you--fucking helen of troy, hyung.”

luhan doesn’t understand why his ears are red and why baekhyun and chanyeol are laughing, far more amused than they are actually concerned, as the referees and elders come forward, blowing whistles and a few of them shifted and snarling, to break apart the fight and discern whether or not inseo will need a neck brace when she returns to human form.

                                                 ----------

minseok and jianmin are both banned from taking part in the battles for today, and inseo is sent off upstairs to have her ankle and arm set with a stern scolding awaiting her when she regains consciousness--although most likely not as stern as the one jianmin received in front of the entire wolf congregation about egging his beta on to engage in provoking another alpha on his mate. it’s, honestly, one of the most basic etiquette points there is, and the bearded elder who has jianmin by the scruff of his neck looks like he’d like nothing better than to throw jianmin to the wolves--literally--for disturbing this conclave.

junmyeon remains in the battlegrounds with the rest of their pack--jongin and zitao splitting the matches that would’ve otherwise been minseok’s--and luhan is sent to one of the infirmary’s sterile rooms to talk his mate down because that, apparently, is his duty and it seems that the elders’ and referees’ irritations have extended to luhan’s poor choice of interacting with jianmin and failing to recognize the intent to reclaim him.

“i honestly,” luhan says, when the elder closes the door behind her and leaves him alone with minseok, “did not know that was even a thing. no one told me that was a thing.” he sits on the edge of the bed, trying not to jostle the alpha because minseok is still gingerly holding the ice pack to his forehead, having rammed so hard into inseo that their skulls bumped and minseok was left with the brunt of the damage in that area.

“‘s okay,” minseok sighs, smiling wryly, more at himself than anything, luhan realizes. “i didn’t either. not really. i just thought it was an old thing. like--who actually tries to take someone’s mate these days, right?”

“savages,” luhan nods, and minseok laughs, before wincing and loosening his hold on the ice. luhan takes it from him, and scoots in closer, holding it to minseok’s head for him.

“god, i don’t know how any of you do it,” minseok leans back on the pillows, and luhan shifts in to accommodate, kicking off his shoes and lifting his legs onto the bed so that he can rest one arm on the headboard, his other hand still holding the ice pack to the alpha’s temple.

luhan blinks. “what?”

“lose control.”

“it’s not really a choice,” luhan snorts.

minseok grins at him, and an unbearable fondness wells up in luhan’s chest. luhan pats at minseok’s cheek, and the alpha laughs a little, turning his face away. “still.”

“i don’t remember anything when it happens,” luhan says slowly. “but you do, right?”

“i saw the way jianmin was looking at you--or maybe when he had his hand on your shoulder--i don’t know--but--everything went black--like--” minseok shakes his head, widening his eyes. “i could see black like creeping in--like if there was black paint dripping onto the edges of your screen and one by one, you can’t see anything anymore--and then--” luhan wonders if he should be concerned that the alpha looks more amused at this experience than frightened, “the rest wasn’t me anymore.”

“you don’t seem very upset,” luhan remarks, taking the ice off and pressing gently at the bruise to see how it’s faring. when minseok doesn’t flinch, luhan decides that it’s numbed enough to lay off the ice for a while.

“it’s an experience,” minseok half-shrugs, and then burrows close against luhan’s chest, face tilted upwards, grin gummy and playful. “doubt it’ll happen again, anyway.”

“really?” luhan plays along, and minseok gives another laugh, small hand curling in the edge of luhan’s shirt.

“i don’t need any psycho powers to get you to put your arms around me,” minseok smiles against luhan’s jaw.

                                                 -------------

(the pack calls luhan fucking helen of troy for at least a month)

[incendir]

wolvesau masterlist (aka everyone in this au has probs)

the one that started it all 

that time chanyeol fucked up

that time kris fucked up

hashtag alpha probs

hashtag beta probs (no rly just luhan probs) 

suho probs

gOOOOOODBYE SUMMERRRRRR

chanyeol probs 

baekhyun probs

what happened after that time kris fucked up

kyungsoo probs

jongin is a cutie patootie

what happened after that time chanyeol fucked up

tao probs

jongin probs

jongin and chanyeol probs

kyungsoo has more probs

suho making his own probs

that time luhan lost his shit

before luhan loses his shit and suho fucks up

sehun probs (aka who has a bigger dick kai or tao)

luhan also has more probs

congrats suho u rly fucked up

luhan has a lot of probs

jongin has solved his probs

hashtag dat mating lyfe (aka baeksoo probs)

hashtag dat wolf lyfe

suho tryna not fall for jongdae's fineass ass

hashtag everybody probs

when you're gone (by my friend mai: this is a wrap up of the au, even though i didn't finish it, in this fic, she basically summarized how it ends because i had told her how the main plotline involving suchen and the pack went)

my vision goes dark

[incendir]

it's unexpected, but junmyeon can't say that he's particularly surprised to be greeted back by the sight of a white wolf and a silver wolf, teeth bared and snarling, outraged and dangerous, ready to attack. he'd imagined several situations that would be waiting for him back at the house, but this one hadn't seemed to cross his mind for whatever reason. he would have never thought that they would be so angry, they'd shift while still within possible view of surrounding humans.

the trees that surrounded the back gates leading out from the apartment complex shielded them well enough, but most of those trees had lost their leaves or were bent cruelly from luhan's outburst a few hours ago. there isn't much now other than the buildings and the darkness to hide them. junmyeon himself had to be careful carrying minseok back in case they were seen by nighttime joggers or people driving home this late. 

he lets minseok down, careful because the alpha is sleepy and minseok stumbles on his way to the ground. junmyeon's ankle might've been healed, but his entire body is still sore and he's exhausted. he still has cuts and bruises that litter his skin, and he knows that if luhan and sehun want to kill him like this, they could. easily. 

when luhan and sehun start growling, roaring, in earnest towards junmyeon, advancing towards him, the back door of the house opens, the rest of the pack come spilling out. all in their pajamas, all looking worn and weary--and junmyeon hazards a guess that after sehun had woken up and discovered minseok gone, after luhan had woken up, none of the others had been allowed to sleep. 

wufan is shouting something in mandarin, clearly meant to appeal to luhan but junmyeon meets luhan's eyes. luhan is larger than junmyeon as a wolf, and sehun, while slimmer and slighter than both of them in this form, has the sharpest teeth--a white wolf trademark. this time, luhan is in control. he's coherent and he knows what he's doing. he knows he's going to kill junmyeon. 

sehun's gaze, when junmyeon turns to meet it, is simple pure cold rage. 

they both think that junmyeon meant to kidnap minseok, to harm him where no one else could see, and neither of them are within reason enough to hear otherwise. junmyeon doesn't intend to tell them otherwise anyway.

he deserves it. 

he doesn't deserve to have minseok standing in front of junmyeon as soon as junmyeon is ready to close his eyes and make peace with the fact that he's going to be ripped apart tonight. he doesn't deserve to have minseok facing both sehun and luhan in their deadliest forms, stance prepared to kill, the alpha's tiny form almost laughable compared to the giant hulking beasts that tower over him. 

although junmyeon knows, the entire pack who're watching tensely from against the house, that the only thing laughable is how the two wolves instantly still and cower at minseok's gaze. 

minseok doesn't raise his voice. he never raises his voice.

"what the hell," he says softly, "are you two doing?"

junmyeon freezes. he sees the rest of the pack freeze. he sees kyungsoo's wide eyes widen until they appear to take up half of his face. he sees chanyeol bite down on his lower lip. he sees baekhyun's mouth fall open. wufan's face is ashen beneath the glow of the porch-lights. 

this is luhan and sehun. luhan and sehun who none of them have ever even seen minseok frown at. luhan and sehun who can do no, have never done, wrong. the alpha's mate and the alpha's favorite, and minseok never talks to either of them like that. 

"you shifted without permission," minseok says, voice low and cool, "you shifted in an area where any human could see. you shifted while i was away. luhan-ah, you attacked your own pack member. and now, both of you are giving off harmful intent towards that same pack member. and you both probably thought it'd be okay to do this because i don't have any more energy left to punish anyone."

junmyeon can hear the blood rushing through his own ears and he can't hold this form any longer. the shift comes almost too smoothly, the power draining out of him like blood through an open cut. he's standing on two feet again instead of four at the same time that sehun and luhan are also once again human. sehun shivering just slightly as a breeze blows by against their bare skin. 

minseok is never angry with luhan and sehun. minseok never speaks like that to luhan and sehun. 

sehun is still straight-faced, but his jaw is tight and his eyes are in disbelief as they stare at minseok. luhan's expression, junmyeon almost can't bear to look at because it's junmyeon's fault. it's junmyeon's fault that luhan is being blamed right now, it's junmyeon's fault that luhan is looking like minseok just stabbed him, it's junmyeon's fault that minseok looks like he's being forced to stab luhan. 

"and--and he had permission to shift?" luhan says, eyes flickering to junmyeon and junmyeon doesn't wince at how luhan refuses to even say junmyeon's name. 

"yes," minseok answers simply. 

"he could've killed you, hyung," sehun says, with narrowed eyes.

minseok sighs. "he's not going to kill me--"

"he almost did," luhan shouts in absolute, maddening frustration and his eyes are wild, desperate, frightened and furious and junmyeon knows that luhan was only ever scared that something would happen to minseok. 

(you don't know how it feels to hear him scream)

"no, luhan-ah," minseok is suddenly yelling back. (minseok never raises his voice) "i almost killed myself--i punished him--junmyeon didn't punish himself, junmyeon didn't almost kill me--i did, luhan-ah, okay? you know it and i know it and sehun knows it, so both of you are going to stop this bullshit and follow my orders because i'm your alpha."

the last words are screamed and minseok has stepped close enough to luhan and sehun that he has to tip his face upwards to look into both of their eyes. neither sehun nor luhan look away from minseok's gaze, and minseok doesn't seem to be able to break his eyes away either. 

luhan is the first to step back. eyes lowered in obedience. "what do you need me to do?" he asks quietly. 

"just," minseok says and junmyeon can see, even from where he stands, that his alpha and beta aren't looking at each other, "go inside. everyone go inside. go to your rooms and sleep. we'll talk about this tomorrow."

"so that's it," sehun says, and he hasn't torn his gaze away. he's still staring defiantly in disbelief at minseok and junmyeon. "that's it? kim junmyeon fucks a human--breaks clan law--makes his alpha break tradition--takes away his alpha in the middle of the night--and he gets nothing, he gets less than nothing, he's defended against the pack beta and--"

"kim junmyeon?" minseok whispers. 

minseok faces away from junmyeon, angled away so that junmyeon can't see the alpha's expression but junmyeon can see sehun's expression and the maknae doesn't even flush--his mouth just tightens further, jaw clenching even harder. 

(junmyeon doesn't care right now

being skimped out in honorifics by the youngest member of their pack is hardly a price to pay for not being torn limb by limb, for not being turned into the clan and shaming his parents

for having minseok on his side)

but minseok is looking over sehun's shoulder, eyes signaling and suddenly zitao and jongin are walking forward--both of them have schooled their expressions into nothingness as minseok orders them to take sehun and lock him in his room for the rest of tonight and tomorrow, until minseok sees fit to come in and talk with him. 

"alone," minseok calls out after the three youngest wolves, "lock him there alone, huang zitao. so then maybe he can remember how to respect his hyungs."

it's then that minseok turns to look at junmyeon for the first time since they've returned and even though junmyeon's heart is beating so fiercely in his chest, even though he's shivering with both the cold against his naked skin and shaking from not knowing what'll happen from here on out, minseok just offers the simplest of expressions. 

he's just looking at junmyeon. he just looks back at junmyeon to make sure junmyeon is okay with a single gaze, and junmyeon feels warm from his head to his toes. he's still scared shitless but somehow everything really is a small price to pay if his alpha (his hyung) is there with him. 

"get some sleep," minseok says. "you're probably freezing too."

junmyeon is freezing. and he does want to sleep. and while the cold is easily amendable just by stepping inside, he knows that he'd rather just finish the night off awake rather than endure the nightmares that might follow otherwise. but minseok doesn't need to know that. 

"yeah," he says and tries to smile, even though he knows the attempt falls flat. 

minseok returns the attempt, though, and is infinitely more successful than junmyeon at smiling as he starts to walk beside the younger wolf towards the door. 

halfway across the yard though, halfway through stepping over all the craters and ripped plants caused by luhan earlier, minseok stops and nods for junmyeon to go on. junmyeon only has to glance to the side--and he sees luhan, still as naked as junmyeon but not even trembling, not shivering at the cold. the beta doesn't meet junmyeon's eyes as he passes. 

everyone else has gone inside. luhan had waited. 

and junmyeon steps into the house, through the sliding doors of the porch, but he pretends to gather his clothes that are still folded and slung over a chair where he'd left them. he pretends to dress himself first rather than simply going upstairs and changing straight away into pajamas. 

he's watching.

he watches, through the glass doors, as minseok says something, lips moving minutely and junmyeon is sure than anyone would know those words anywhere--even merely mouthed and mumbled, anyone would know those formed words. 

i'm sorry

but then luhan is throwing himself at minseok, wrapping minseok in his arms, wrapping minseok completely in the beta's body and it's like junmyeon can only barely make out the top of the alpha's head. everything else, the rest of his small form is swallowed by the beta's--just only minseok's arms visible as they come up to wrap back around luhan's bare shoulders. 

luhan is shaking his head, lips forming words that make minseok apologize again--this time, adding something that seems to make luhan laugh weakly before drawing back and kissing minseok's mouth. 

junmyeon watches as minseok seems to crumple a little, body going slack and limp against luhan's before the beta easily scoops minseok into his arms, and that's when junmyeon knows it's time to hurry up the stairs with the rest of his clothes. 

he gets just to the top of the staircase by the time luhan carries minseok into the house and sets him gently down in the same chair junmyeon's clothes had been hanging on. 

luhan's clothes seem to be folded on the kitchen countertop and luhan has clearly set minseok down so the beta can dress himself quickly. 

junmyeon lingers again at the head of the stairs just before heading for his room, just long enough to hear minseok say softly, "thanks, luhan-ah."

just long enough to see luhan turn, sleepshirt in hand, and lean back down to kiss minseok again--slow and long and when they part, luhan seems to smile. "don't say that."

(there's so much love in luhan's voice

junmyeon is the worst. junmyeon hates himself. junmyeon is the worst. 

because once upon a time, junmyeon had cradled a human named kim jongdae in his arms and spilled out his heart to him. junmyeon had spilled silent tears against jongdae's shoulder and said that he hates it, he hates everything, he hates the clan and he hates the pack and he hates this unfair hierarchy and he hates having his position ripped away and he hates how his parents look at him with pity whenever he goes home and he hates how they always ask about the new beta and he hates it all and he hates kim minseok and his fucking mate

and jongdae had just tightened his arms around junmyeon and said nothing because words are useless for comfort and they both know it, but at the end of it all, when junmyeon had stopped crying, he'd thanked jongdae. for listening, for putting up with this shit, for not caring that junmyeon is an animal, for not thinking junmyeon was a lying, shitting freak when he'd told jongdae his secret, for being the sort of human that junmyeon had been led to believe didn't exist because humans are never supposed to understand

for being kim jongdae, "thanks," junmyeon had whispered.

and jongdae had frowned, almost in amusement at junmyeon, and laughed, "for what, hyung?" 

because, jongdae had told junmyeon, being someone's pillar--being someone's strength, being the reason someone can get through the pain that comes with living, that comes with being who they are--is something that goes beyond gratitude and words. 

and junmyeon realizes, now, (too late--much, much too late) that luhan is the reason minseok goes on and on and on. luhan is the reason minseok can scream and sob and beg and plead and be tortured nights on end for his pack. luhan is the refuge that junmyeon had found (had lost) in jongdae, and junmyeon had spent years hating both of them for it. 

kim junmyeon is a horrible, horrible, hypocrite.

he hates himself.)

[incendir]

it's not a serious thing because junmyeon asked for it not to be. he asks, the first time he and jongdae kiss, if this can be something loose and fast. he asks, the first time he and jongdae kiss--just their second date--if they can head back to jongdae's apartment. he asks for something with minimal commitment because junmyeon doesn't feel like commitment (he asks, without words, if he can press jongdae into the sheets and cover his skin with his tongue and lips and if that can be all there is to it).

junmyeon asks, and jongdae, flushed and panting against the white sheets, hair stuck against his cheekbones with perspiration, says, "sure."

and that's all there is to it for a while.

for a while, somehow, the stress of the pack slowly grows bearable just as junmyeon expected it would. he no longer feels suffocated, no longer feels frustrated to the point where he can't breathe. he attributes it all to jongdae. he attributes it to being able to forget, to be distracted, once he's pressed inside of jongdae, once he's sliding up between jongdae's thighs, once he feels the heels of jongdae's feet digging into his back urging him to go faster. 

for a while.

but then there's one night that jongdae isn't distracting him enough. that, regardless of the feel of bare skin against bare skin, the sound of jongdae's sighs and moans, the sight of jongdae pinned and writhing beneath him, junmyeon's mind is still firmly on what had happened hours ago. he can't stop thinking about jongin's face tonight as he'd screamed at zitao, as he'd screamed you should've never come here you don't belong here you just fucked everything up and the entire pack had heard the words that jongin had only barely held silent.

you should've stayed in china

and there was no doubt in anyone's mind that it was the reason for jongin throwing up until he was dry-heaving for the rest of the night, until he passed out with a mild fever on the kitchen floor, until they all heard minseok storm away and luhan slam the door of the alpha's bedroom after themselves loud and clear. 

junmyeon can't stop thinking about it. 

even as he lies on his side, propped up on one arm with his other arm slung across jongdae's front, fingers drumming against the younger man's hip, junmyeon still can't stop thinking about it. he doesn't even realize how silent he is until jongdae snaps his fingers too close to junmyeon's face, startling him out of his stupor. 

"what?" junmyeon blinks, looking down to meet jongdae's eyes. 

"isn't this usually the part of the night when you tell me what an amazing fuck i am?" jongdae smiles prettily.

junmyeon snorts, his returning smile exasperated as he shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "this is usually the part of the night when you make me cook for you in your own home."

"put cheese in it today," jongdae says, hand threading in the base of junmyeon's hair, fingernails scratching lightly at the back of junmyeon's neck. and then he adds, seemingly as an afterthought, "please."

junmyeon pulls away, snorting again. he walks, naked--because he knows after jongdae eats he'll somehow pull junmyeon back into bed for a last round anyway, to jongdae's kitchen. cooking, even if it's just something as simple as ramyeon, will get his mind off of what'd happened back at the house anyway. 

the water is just about boiling when junmyeon hears jongdae get out of bed and pad into the kitchen. he doesn't turn around but he knows jongdae is still naked as well when the human presses himself against junmyeon's back, arms fitting around junmyeon's waist. 

"hyung," jongdae says, chin resting on junmyeon's shoulder and junmyeon's eyebrows quirk when he hears the change in jongdae's tone. "did something happen?"

junmyeon picks up the chopsticks, stirring in the noodles as he drops them in from the packet. "just family problems," he says lightly. 

"d'you want to talk about it?" jongdae asks quietly--hesitantly, junmyeon realizes. he realizes that jongdae, right now, is extremely unsure about what boundary he might be pushing and junmyeon realizes that it's a boundary that junmyeon can't bring himself to enforce. 

junmyeon realizes that maybe it's a boundary he wants to bend.

"just," junmyeon frowns, as jongdae lets go of him and comes to lean against the counter so their eyes can meet, "my family's really--old-fashioned--so--so we all live really close to each other. and--or at least, me and my cousins--the ones who're about my age--"

"chanyeol and baekhyun," jongdae supplies suddenly, and junmyeon barely suppresses the wince because he keeps forgetting that jongdae is friends with them. loosely, but it's still horribly dangerous. this is all dangerous. 

"yeah--like them," junmyeon says, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard. "and--i think--like--there was a fight. some of them were fighting--and some of our other cousins just moved in and the ones that were here already want them to move back out because they think things would be better without them--"

"were they?" jongdae interrupts curiously, as junmyeon pours the noodles into the bowl. junmyeon's fingers fumble unwrapping the slice of cheese. 

were they?

were things better before their chinese pack mates came into the group? were things better before junmyeon was pushed down two positions, before luhan distracted minseok, before zitao wedged himself in between jongin and sehun? 

"i don't know," junmyeon admits softly. he sticks the chopsticks and spoon into the floating noodles. "your ramyeon's done."

jongdae looks into the bowl for a moment, fingers lightly moving up and down the handle of the spoon. "it's not fun," he says slowly, "to have to be in a place where you know you're not welcome. i bet your cousins--the ones who just moved in--feel like that a little."

and junmyeon suddenly thinks back to all the times zitao stumbled into junmyeon's room just to curl against the wall, dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and mutter hyung, why'd they bring us here hyung i miss china hyung i hate korea i fucking hate korea hyung why the fuck did they bring us here until he broke down into sobs, barely comprehensible korean dissolving completely into whispered mandarin. 

"maybe," junmyeon says. and he takes a deep breath. "eat," he goes on, "before it gets cold and all my hard work goes to waste."

jongdae laughs at that. he lets go of the spoon, though, and slides up against junmyeon, fingers tangling in the back of junmyeon's hair again, a short, warm tug as jongdae kisses junmyeon's closed mouth. junmyeon stares, only a little, as jongdae grins impishly when he draws away, takes the bowl of ramyeon into his hands and saunters off to the dining table. 

still naked. 

"what was that for?" junmyeon calls from the kitchen. he can see, through the doorway, jongdae folding himself on a chair, unbothered by the wood against his bare ass. 

jongdae's voice comes back muffled, cheeks full of steaming ramyeon already, as he replies with, "you always complain that i taste like kimchi and cheese when i kiss you after--so i kissed you before."

and just as junmyeon rolls his eyes to the ceiling and smiles to himself, exasperated again, jongdae laughs out, "thanks for the food, hyung!"

(it's not a serious thing

junmyeon asked, and jongdae said yes.

so it's not)

[incendir]

there's no wolf who doesn't love a full moon. 

after their first shift, all wolves can shift at will. during the times they lose their temper, even though they may shift unwillingly, they are still able to easily phase back as soon as their emotions are back within their control. but during a full moon, all wolves, every wolf, without exception, is subject to at least six hours as a wolf. from when the sun sets to when the sun rises, they can control when they turn into a wolf, but regardless, they are continuously in that form for six hours once they allow themselves to change. 

most wolves, however, remain as a wolf throughout the entire night because a full moon isn't a chore. full moons are fun. they're meant to be fun, and the laws are written to make them fun. 

a full moon, for younger wolves, means a guaranteed pass out of school early and no school the next day. a full moon, for adult wolves, means a written-up doctor's note for two full sick days--whatever is necessary for them to leave work without consequences. even the oldest elder, the busiest elder, the strictest elder--there is no wolf who doesn't enjoy a full moon. 

(except rogues

banished wolves

wolves who no longer have a pack

wolves no longer associated with a pack

wolves who are forbidden from using the grounds

outcast wolves)

as a wolf, everything is simpler. the burdens and worries and to-do lists and schedules that permeate their minds as humans suddenly don't seem important. suddenly seem extremely inconsequential and silly and it's much easier to lose themselves in the rush of adrenaline that comes with running, bounding, through forests and thickets in the countryside.

emotions are also dulled. (anger, heartbreak, heartache, frustration, sadness, nostalgia, regret, anxiety--all negative emotions are dulled while joy, happiness, excitement, affection, thrill remain and intensify and sometimes, it's easy to imagine the temptation of going rogue--of remaining a wolf forever and never changing back)

hunting, while possibly the most fun there is to have during a full moon, has grown trickier in recent decades. there was once a time every pack could hunt multiple times during a full moon, but nowadays, each pack is allowed only one prey and not every pack can hunt during every full moon. the elders must now keep a schedule on alternating full moons and which packs are allowed to hunt in which areas.

(because nowadays, humans care about deer and boars and other game and the balance or imbalance of nature and it was a much easier age when humans hunted as viciously and carelessly as wolves did)

many things were easier when humans weren't so perceptive of their surroundings, when humans didn't pretend to care about what was there in the world other than themselves--when humans still feared nature rather than trying to harness and understand it. 

the wolves of years past could shift as soon as they walked into the thickets of trees behind their homes, rather than driving out miles and miles in their human forms into the countryside every full moon and only being able to shift there without fearing being seen by humans. the wolves of years past could howl loudly at the moon, could hunt without limit, could fearlessly attack humans who crossed their path during this night. 

"no point in being depressed over shit that we'll never have," jongin sighs, stuffing his socks into his sneakers and tossing them into the back of the van. all the older members have already run out, already shifted, into the deeper parts of the forest to stretch their legs before the hunt began. 

baekhyun, already naked beside jongin, with kyungsoo, half-naked, folding baekhyun's boxers neatly to place on top of the rest of baekhyun's clothes, pouts. "we haven't been on the rotation for two months and when we finally get to hunt we just get  deer again. i hate deer."

"you ate the one we had two months ago pretty fast," kyungsoo deadpans. "and then you ate half my share."

"but then i let you fuck me," baekhyun grins, "so we're even, right?"

kyungsoo merely blinks, straight-faced and clearly not amused.

but jongin catches the slight curve of kyungsoo's plush lips when baekhyun kisses kyungsoo's cheek. 

"please do this when i'm not around," jongin pretends to gag and baekhyun kicks him in the shins. 

"fuck off," baekhyun says, "and hurry up and get your pants off. everyone else's already gone." he slings an arm around kyungsoo's neck, and jongin rolls his eyes and laughs.

he shucks off his jeans and boxers down in one go and drapes them over the driver's seat. "i know you really want to see my dick, hyung, but calm down," he says, and at that, even kyungsoo laughs. 

baekhyun snorts. "ha ha," he says tonelessly, stretching a bit to be able to swing his other arm around jongin's neck. the three of them begin to head towards the forest. they can already see chanyeol's large dark form and sehun's sleek pale one tumbling together in a furry mass near the largest tree. 

"as long as we get a stag it won't be that bad, hyung," jongin says thoughtfully. "they're pretty big, remember?"

"i'd rather fight tusks than those stupid antlers," kyungsoo mumbles. 

"only because you haven't been stabbed by them before," baekhyun says, and shudders lightly. he shakes his head. "why do humans have to exist?"

jongin laughs, and nudges baekhyun's hip with his own. "beats me," he smiles. 

[incendir]

(ok well fanxing did their mating thing on their own illegally in secret so yeah but moving on)

                               --------------------------------------------------

memorizing all the names and faces of all the new generation packs is impossible, but as an elder, you have to at least have a vague grasp of all the alphas and their betas. it's the only reason you immediately recognize them when they walk into your office in the clan building in the middle of the afternoon one saturday, asking if you're free for decisions. 

you say you are.

"an alpha and his beta," you say as they sit on the other side of your desk. you put your work to the side and fiddle with your glasses, taking in their nervous expressions. you smile. "how wonderful."

and at that, they seem to relax infinitesimally, both of their mouths curving hesitantly into returning smiles. 

you direct them to link hands, fingers intertwined and place their joined hands on your desk. you cover their hands with your own and tell them both to close their eyes. "take a nap," you say, before you close your own. 

they tense again at that, so you ease away their nerves--replace it with drowsiness, and once you feel them both slipping away into subconscious, you gently step through the threads that separate the outer from the inner. you step over yours and enter theirs. 

before you even delve past the shallower linings of their beings, you already realize that they are the alpha and beta of the merged pack, and the beta is the second-generation alpha-born. the one that is always being watched because of how he might lose control. the one with the enviable and yet pitiable pure bloodline. 

but that isn't what your decision is to be based on, so you keep walking. 

somewhere along the way, you catch both of their names. 

you hear it when you stop at their first meeting. you don't usually look at the first meeting unless it's prominent enough that it had contributed to the rest of their relationship. the ones where they'd claimed to fall in love at first sight--those were the ones you cared to stop at their first meeting. but in this one, the first meeting was unremarkable, you note. just their names, bows, a hand shake, acknowledgment of position, and that was all.

it takes you quite a bit of walking, a fair distance, to get to the first turn.

an alpha who refuses to depend on anyone--who only lets himself lean just enough to breathe on the youngest pack member, but otherwise, it's he himself and no one else. a beta who doesn't feel like he belongs, who's perpetually confused as to why he isn't being left with any actual duties. 

one boy who has been told from the beginning that he's going to be great--that he has to be amazing--that he's going to lead and control a group of boys younger than him and there won't be any mistakes because someone who shifted so well and early could not possibly ever make a mistake.

another boy who has been treated like glass since he could ever remember--who has been thought of as weak and dangerous and useless because how can the child of two generations of alphas have such horrible control--who was sent out of his home country because maybe you'll learn to make your parents and grandparents proud in korea. 

you see the alpha sobbing night after night after night, alone. the same room, the same position (curled up, hands pressed to his stomach because for the some reason the burning, fiery pain is always strongest there), the same loneliness, the same i can't make a sound i can't make a sound i can't make a sound no one can know no one can ever know, over and over and over again.

you watch, like a cartoon flipbook, as a vague shadow forms around the alpha. that same scene remains the same for the most part--it's the same room with the same carpet and the same bed pushed up against the far wall with the same nightstand and the same desk and chair--all kept neat and organized. the only thing that changes is rather than the alpha curled in on himself alone, he's leaning on someone.

the shadow is holding him.

and as it flips and flips and flips, the shadow becomes clearer. the lines of the shadow gain color, solidify themselves. a face becomes recognizable, and you watch as the alpha is no longer alone. you watch as the beta's hands replace the alpha's against his stomach, as the beta's hands cover the alpha's--the beta holds him tight and close and whispers meaningless soothings against his hair and the pain is no less worse, but suddenly it becomes all the more bearable.

but betas are supposed to support their alphas in every way they can. in every way the alpha needs. so this, just this, isn't enough. but there's still quite a bit more of the path left, so you walk on.

at first it's just those moments when the alpha needs his beta. it's an alpha and his beta up until you reach a small hill, easily walking up and then down over it, and suddenly, it's minseok and luhan. 

suddenly, somewhere between a beta helping his alpha endure the pain of the pack, it became luhan helping minseok with taking care of nine other boys younger than them even though they're just barely out of boyhood themselves. and you watch as it becomes something more. as it becomes minseok depending on luhan--minseok letting luhan in, and luhan, for the first time, feeling needed. 

it becomes luhan wanting more than just to make sure minseok okay--luhan wants to make minseok happy. 

minseok wants to make sure luhan knows how extraordinary he is (that he's more than his bloodline and more than what he can or can't control). 

there's a particular memory that shines rather brightly towards the end of his walk. whereas some memories are special to one, but not as vibrant to the other, this one seems to be one that both of them consider fairly significant. so even though you have enough to make your decision, you stop here just in case.

it's a short scene. in a kitchen. luhan is leaning against the counter, staring at the cell phone in his hand. minseok is sitting on the counter, feet dangling and staring over luhan's shoulder at the phone. 

"you really miss them," minseok says quietly, matter-of-factly. 

"no," luhan says, and it's a lie. you know it, luhan knows it, and minseok knows it.

"you're supposed to miss them," minseok says softly, nudging luhan's hip with the tip of his foot. "you're supposed to miss home."

luhan is silent for a moment, eyes back down to his cell phone until he finally puts it down on the counter. he slides himself between minseok's dangling legs, one hand on each of the alpha's thighs. "i miss them," luhan admits. "but i don't miss home."

minseok blinks, looking into luhan's eyes before the alpha turns his head to the side and snorts, smiling. "don't say something stupid--don't say--"

luhan pouts, eyebrows furrowing. "but it's true," and you chuckle a little as the moment is broken. luhan's voice comes out insistent. "home's here." he takes minseok's hand, fingers linking. "you're here."

and then you are sitting at your desk again, taking your hand off of theirs and they are opening their eyes blearily. for them, it really was just a nap--one that must have felt like it had gone on for at least an hour, when the clock on the wall shows that not even ten minutes has gone by. 

minseok is the first to get his bearings back together while luhan is still trying to rub his eyes open. they look at you anxiously.

you smile, folding your hands in front of you on the desk. "when would you like to schedule the ceremony?"

this has always been your favorite part, you think. to watch anxiety fade from their faces, to watch them break into relieved grins and kiss each other in front of you before standing and bowing with profuse thank you's. 

                                            -----------------------------------------

they introduce themselves to you, names and pack number as well as their own positions, and you brighten immediately, telling them to sit down. they're from the merged pack and even though they're a bit young, only just of age to mate, you have great expectations for them after the ceremony bonding their alpha and beta went so beautifully. 

their expressions are nervous, as always, so you tell them to relax--give them the usual instructions to link hands on top of your desk, close their eyes and take a nap. 

you've already made a round of five decisions this morning, all pairs with unique stories--a few that made you simply laugh, a few others that made you nearly cry, but all in all you are in a good mood today and you enter their memories with a smile. 

it takes less than three steps before your smile vanishes.

you're assaulted (and you can't think of any other way to put it), attacked, ambushed by waves upon waves of anger and frustration before you even reach their first meeting. it turns into an actual storm, and you end up having to bluster your way, arms in front of your face, before you actually reach their first meeting and even though it's nothing out of the ordinary in itself, there're already storm clouds gathering.

you pick up your pace because thunder and lightning loom in the horizon and you want to hurry through these initial hardships to where their bond actually begins. it doesn't bother you all too much because many mates start like this--ranging from mild dislike to intense hatred, but the beginning doesn't matter all too much. 

but it isn't long before you realize you're at the halfway point and nothing is changing. 

one boy, frustrated and miserable and bitter about having his life turned upside down and all around--about being forced (what he believes is forced and refuses to hear otherwise) to hurt his best friend, to hurt and leave the person who he wanted to be his true mate--a boy who is used to being in control, being well-behaved, being no trouble at all to his alpha, being the good pack member--bitter, so incredibly bitter and angry, about now being punished more often than he can count. 

(he blames it on his mate

how can you blame your mate?)

another boy who is confused and hurt, but that confusion and hurt has festered itself into darkness and his temper has always been short--a boy who lashes out instead of telling the one who hurts him (the one he loves) about how he's being destroyed from the inside out--a boy who can only protect himself, who only sees solution in arguing further rather than trying to make peace--and he hates punishments and he thinks that every punishment he's ever had has been undeserved, that it's all unfair and he blames it on his mate as well.

(how can you blame each other if you love each other?

why won't you accept your own faults?)

you don't go any further. you can't anyway. the path is beginning to deteriorate from where you currently stand and you can see in the distance that while there are more memories out there, you would have to hike up and down mountains, off-road and through thickets of vines to get to them. in the memories you have seen thus far anyway, the bad ones outweigh the good ones by so much, you don't even understand how they could have ever thought you'd approve. 

you remove your hand from theirs and your chest clenches at the hope in their eyes. "i'm sorry," you say heavily. "i can't let you two bond."

but you can see the world crumbling in both of their gazes so you swallow and add quickly, "you're still both a little young. wait a year or two."

and that restores something in both of them, you watch their expressions ease up a little. but they are both still shaken and maybe, you think, they'll return with brighter skies. 

                                     -------------------------------------------

you're instantly wary when they walk into your office. you instantly know that they are from the merged pack because one of them is the boy white wolf and the other one is the son of the chinese alpha and her beta mate. they are among the youngest in the merged pack, and the younger one has just barely come of age. you remember the last time you tried to decide for two young wolves from this pack.

it is with a warier heart that you bid them to sit down, to connect their hands and close their eyes, as you place your palm against their intertwined fingers. 

you only just arrive before one memory is already calling for you. theirs is one where the first meeting is intensely important--a contributing factor to the rest of their relationship. and it's only in the first meeting, but it already makes itself apparent that it really isn't necessary for you to go through the rest of their bond. theirs is a bond based on the most natural, most basic and instinctive parts of their genetic makeup--they are two wolves that are meant to be together--that are drawn to each other because of one's inherent need to be protected and the other's inherent raw power. 

but you've seen this before, you've been doing this for years and years and years, and in all those years, you've learned that white wolves are the trickiest because even though they are usually drawn and mated to those with the most power, there might come another wolf with more power that could draw a white wolf away from their previously claimed mate. and the consequences at that one instance were grave. 

so you walk on, and you observe. 

and you learn that it isn't all about the power. 

a lonely, lonely, lonely boy who has convinced himself that being alone is better--that the life for him is one filled with recklessness and alcohol and sex without attachments and disobedience to every authority figure put in place and laughing away the pain whether it be from emotional scars or physical wounds or punishments--a boy who has always gotten what he wants materially because of position, because of bloodline, but his heart is hard and jaded. 

the youngest of the boys, the youngest of the wolves in his pack--a boy who has always been protected and shielded and at times it's suffocating--a boy who has always been told again and again that he's a symbol, he's a stereotype, he has to adhere to those expectations and yet he has to prove himself against them all at once, all at the same time--a white wolf, a male white wolf, and it's difficult and being his alpha's favorite only gets him so far--and he depends and leans on and loves and trusts and is drawn to a wolf his own age since they were young--we'll be mates, that wolf had promised him and smiled at him and they'd loved each other--they had.

and you watch as names filter into the picture, as the power struggle became clear from the start and the white wolf is caught between attraction and loyalty. you watch him try to convince himself again and again i love jongin i love jongin i love jongin i don't love zitao sex isn't love power isn't love i'm not weak i don't need to be protected i don't need zitao he's just a friend i love jongin

i have to love jongin

there are many memories that are separately sehun's and separately zitao's in here. more than usual when going through the moments that make up a bond. it's because in their bond, there is a significant third party that is responsible for the bond's strength in the first place. a third party that you watch fighting physically with zitao, getting punished with zitao, protecting sehun from zitao even at times when sehun didn't want to be protected. a third party that sehun hates himself for hurting, hates himself for betraying (but what else can he do what else can he do when he's being swept away and drowned in puffy shadows beneath crinkled eyes and a boy who tries to hide the fact that he's soft and broken by building walls upon walls around his lonely heart). 

you find yourself walking for quite a bit until you reach a part in the path where you can see there had once been a fork in the road, but one of the branches has been wiped out. there is a memory where that path would have led to and you stand to watch it. 

it's a memory only zitao has. sehun is nowhere in the scene. it's zitao and another boy, the one you've seen in both sehun and zitao's memories--separately and combined.a boy who seems to have made himself an integral part in zitao and sehun's bond. 

jongin.

but whereas in previous memories, you've watched zitao face him, feral grin and dark smirk--ready to attack and maim and damage--in this one, zitao isn't even looking at him. it's just zitao and jongin and they are standing only a meter apart. neither of them have the energy they had in previous moments, neither of them are gearing up for a fight. 

suddenly, jongin lunges forward and punches zitao. 

zitao doesn't punch back. he doesn't even move. he stands there, face turned towards the floor of this room--a bedroom, it seems like--as jongin's expression contorts miserably and he punches zitao again. he punches him again and again and again, slaps his face, punches his stomach, takes him by the shirt collar and shakes him, shoves him into walls, but zitao still doesn't fight back.

doesn't move.

the blows grow rougher and harder for a time until they finally fade into nothing. until they finally fade into jongin collapsing against zitao, hanging onto the other boy's shoulders and you hear jongin give a broken sob as he looks past zitao to the wall behind him. 

"take care of him," jongin whispers after a painful silence. with great effort, he straightens his back, straightens away and looks at zitao with red, wet eyes. "you really love him, right?"

zitao does.

you know he does. you've seen, as you walked, how sehun is the one who stopped him from turning rogue. sehun is the one who followed zitao out one night when zitao had thought it would be his last--when zitao wanted to become a rogue who lived life as a wolf like any other true animal and never took his human form again because the emotions were too sharp as a human. 

they were blunted when he was a wolf. 

sehun had followed zitao out of the house, hadn't let anyone know where he or zitao were going, had slipped out as quietly as zitao--sehun had been the one who'd ripped up zitao's farewell letter, had grabbed zitao by the wrist before the older boy had left the gates and said no and sehun had held on even when zitao tried to tear his hand away sneering i didn't know you wanted me to fuck you that badly is kim jongin's cock really that small.

and when zitao had grown frustrated with sehun's unrelenting grip, when zitao had shouted in sehun's face why do you even give a shit

it was sehun who'd looked zitao straight in the eyes and replied with because you give a shit too--because if you hadn't, you'd have just shifted and killed me but you didn't--because you don't want to hurt me--because you're part of my pack--because you're my friend. 

"i'll take care of him," zitao says to jongin, and beneath the fresh bruises, his expression is determined and solemn and you realize that somewhere along the path, jongin has become zitao's friend. somewhere along the path, sehun has taught zitao to know the meaning of a pack too. and that's why, you realize, "i love him," zitao says. "i really love him."

when you open your eyes, when they open their eyes, even though zitao is the one who's expression is obviously anxious, you see that sehun's knuckles have turned white with how tightly he's holding zitao's hand. they still hold hands even when you tell them they can let go--that the decision has been made. 

"how does the twenty-fifth of next month sound?" you ask, and you aren't even startled when zitao knocks his chair over as he jumps to his feet and whoops out loud, grabbing sehun out of his own chair and tossing him into his arms. 

                                                    -----------------------------------

it's a year and a half later when they return, and their expressions are so determined that you can't help but offer them a hopeful smile. you are hoping for them too. a year and a half is more than enough time to have sorted out what should be sorted out between intended mates. you hope that they have matured. you hope that they have learned from what the other feels. you hope that they have made better memories to dilute the bad ones.

your hopes aren't held. 

they are better and they are worse. 

there are more good memories now. but they have not come because things are growing better between them, but rather simply because of the passage of time. they do love each other, and you watch as you walk through the stormy winds, you watch as kyungsoo pulls baekhyun beneath an awning when it'd started to rain when it was their turn to do errands for the pack--kyungsoo tries to dry baekhyun's hair futilely with his sweatshirt as a makeshift towel, and baekhyun laughs at the uselessness of it all and kisses kyungsoo.

baekhyun slipping into kyungsoo's room in the middle of the night, and kyungsoo doesn't even ask, says nothing, as baekhyun goes to where kyungsoo is watching a documentary on his laptop for his history paper at his desk--merely bends down for a kiss as baekhyun settles himself to lean against kyungsoo's leg and start paging through the notes for the math exam he has in a week. 

kyungsoo pressing baekhyun against already soiled sheets and baekhyun is flushed from face to chest, thighs tense and tight around kyungsoo's waist and they've been at this for hours and baekhyun is mouthing, gasping against the skin spread over kyungsoo's collarbone kyungsoo-ah i can't kyungsoo-ah enough stop i can't come anymore seriously i fuck just fuck kyungsoo-ah but kyungsoo's hips don't stop moving and contrary to his words baekhyun's hips keep stuttering to meet every thrust of kyungsoo's. (and when they're lying, boneless and content in each other's warm arms, kyungsoo pokes baekhyun's cheek before kissing it and says impishly i told you you could come one more time as baekhyun turns beet red and nips at kyungsoo's jaw).

there are good memories, but they aren't enough. the few times kyungsoo kissed baekhyun and smiled at him with full, heart-shaped lips are not nearly as many as the times kyungsoo shoved baekhyun up against the wall and nearly cracked his skull with the force. the few times baekhyun laughed at one of kyungsoo's dry remarks aren't nearly as many as all the times baekhyun took one of kyungsoo's comments too deeply to heart and, rather than asking kyungsoo what he truly meant, punched kyungsoo across the face and locked himself away in his own room. 

the times baekhyun buries himself deep and hot, all the way to the hilt, inside of kyungsoo while thin lips press down to meet full lips, while round eyes go rounder and wider when baekhyun angles himself to just that spot--those times are nearly not as many as the times kyungsoo yanks baekhyun back by the hair and forces him down to choke on kyungsoo's cock because shut up shut up shut up byun baekhyun and after baekhyun is done, he always stands up and spits in kyungsoo's face--shoving kyungsoo away one last time for good measure. 

you don't know what else to do as they open their eyes and you shake your head. you can't bear the look in their eyes as they look at you in disbelief for a moment before meeting each other's gazes. but you have to continue looking, even as baekhyun almost trips himself scrambling out of his chair and running out of your office. you have to continue looking even as you glimpse wetness and frustration in kyungsoo's round eyes before he stands up, bows to you, and follows out. 

                                             --------------------------------------

it's a little odd, you think, to recognize both faces when they walk into your office not because you have ever met them but because you've seen them in someone else's memories. it's happened before to you when you meet the members of a pack and you've seen them already in another member's memories when they were asking for your decision, but this is possibly the first time you've seen two wolves who you recognized as the ex-candidates for two other wolves' mates. 

a part of you is worried. you don't want to have to break their hearts further by telling them that they can't be mated if their bond is solely based on the need to have a mate, lost as they must have felt after losing the wolf they thought truly would have been theirs. 

but you guide them to their seats all the same and ask that they link hands and close their eyes. you place your hand over theirs and as you are pulled into their bond, you start to smile a little.

from just the color of the skies, from just the feeling that swells in your heart, you think that perhaps your worries are unfounded. 

it's always your own personal protocol to look at the first meeting, regardless of how insignificant it might be, but theirs is so unimportant to both of them that you have to actively sift through memories to find it. it's only a small memory, vague for both of them as they were both young when it happened and it is drowned out by memories of meeting other members of their pack that day. 

this is one of those interesting bonds where, in actuality, have thousands of thousands of memories and moments of each other but only a few hundred of them are truly relevant to the bond because many of those memories were made in passing. jongin remembers chanyeol slipping in a puddle when they were so, so young but it contributes nothing to the bond because at the time, jongin was holding hands with sehun and that was all that mattered to him. chanyeol remembers buying ice cream for jongin when they are in middle school, but it's a dusty memory that you nearly don't even notice because the main focus of that moment was that kyungsoo had shared his own ice cream with chanyeol. 

you have to walk through thousands of blurry moments that are either irrelevant or just too vague for either of them to truly recall before you get to the ones that do matter. you start to arrive at the ones that build up what they are to each other. 

a boy who loves life--who loves his pack, who loves being happy, who everyone is used to always seeing happy and so he always has to be happy--a boy who knows he has to grin and smile and laugh even when he loses the one who he thought was his mate, even when he watches his two best friends love each other and hurt each other, he still knows he has to smile as he picks up their pieces and leaves his own shattered on the floor. 

another boy who always fights with all he has for whatever he loves, for whoever he loves--who's easy to get along with and loves too easily and gets hurt too deeply, and he's a boy who tries so hard, tries and tries and tries and can't bring himself to give up even when there's nothing left for him to do, when there's nothing left for him to change, but he still ends up feeling like it was him who wasn't enough when he loses his would-be mate. 

and you watch as jongin stands in front of chanyeol and faces kyungsoo, face furious because he's not your voodoo doll he's not something you hurt to hurt baekhyun-hyung because baekhyun-hyung hurt you--if you don't want him, if you don't love him, stop making him hope, hyung--stop. 

the path turns and chanyeol cries for the first time against jongin's chest. he cries for the first time and for the first time lets himself say it's hard it's fucking hard but kyungsoo needs me he needs to talk and baekhyunie needs to vent and jongin-ah i can't just not i fuck i can't just shit i can't just turn them away and you can't stop kyungsoo like that again jongin-ah what if he needs to talk to me

hyung and jongin knows what it's like to be needed by someone who doesn't need him, who just needs the comfort and familiarity he has to offer and he knows that it hurts and he knows what it feels like to have to close your eyes and look away and let go (jongin has let go a long time ago) and his voice shakes even though his tone is steady as he wraps his arms around chanyeol's broad shoulders sometimes you just have to let go.

you watch as chanyeol does let go. as he learns to finally let go, as he learns to stop remembering all the nights he's spent with his arms wrapped around kyungsoo's small frame, as he learns to stop thinking about how kyungsoo used to smile with heart-shaped lips whenever chanyeol did something stupid--he stops seeking kyungsoo out whenever everyone knows kyungsoo has fought with baekhyun--he stops listening when baekhyun tells him that he's better for kyungsoo, that chanyeol should be with kyungsoo tonight because kyungsoo needs him and not baekhyun.

the path turns again, and chanyeol finds someone new to hold onto. 

someone who holds him back. 

someone who gives chanyeol new nights to remember, a different body to wrap his arms around, a body that loves to dance and a mouth that loves to laugh when chanyeol tries to dance with him. a smile that chanyeol has seen time and time again around the house, but it's never been just for chanyeol, and the first time chanyeol makes jongin smile when it's just the two of them, chanyeol feels his heart soar in a way he hasn't felt for years. and the first time they kiss, chanyeol blurts fuck it' really is like kissing a cloud sehunie's right and jongin nearly keels over laughing and chanyeol's face nearly burns up from embarrassment.

theirs is a relationship that puts a smile on anyone's face from the sheer emotion of it all--it's just bright, so bright that when you reach towards the end of the path, you think to yourself in amusement that you almost need sunglasses to look up to the sky. it's a vibrant, vibrant blue, and it's almost regretful that you have to open your eyes. 

but there is no regret in how you are still smiling when they open their eyes and chanyeol catches your expression. his grin is already triumphant before you get to say yourself, "what date did you boys have in mind?" 

and jongin only has time to laugh before chanyeol kisses him. 

                                                  ------------------------------------------

apart from your own personally chosen protocol and rules, there are laws that those in your position must abide by. the most important of those laws are laws of privacy. how you must never disclose what you have seen in the memories of those you decide for. 

how you must never disclose what you based your decision against. 

so when you open your eyes to baekhyun and kyungsoo for the third time, when you shake your head at them once again, when you watch devastation and hopelessness flood their expressions, you can do nothing about it. you can't tell them. you are forbidden to tell them that for the first time, this third time you've delved into their cores, you can see that they are meant to be. you don't doubt it. 

you don't doubt that they love each other. you don't doubt that they no longer blame each other. you don't doubt that they want to be mates, that they want to be with each forever. you don't doubt them, but you cannot let them be bonded for now. not today. today isn't the day for you to make a decision for them to become true mates, but you know, from what you've seen this time, that the day will come.

but you can't tell them.

you can't tell them that they shouldn't give up--that what they have is real and it's strong and it's lasted them all up until here already. it would be a waste, a truly tragic, truly regretful waste, if they let go of each other after holding on so tightly and desperately. they are mates. they are. they are truly, truly, truly mates but you can't tell them. 

all you can do is bow your head back when they stand up mechanically and bow a robotic ninety degrees to you. all you can do is close your eyes as they leave and pretend you don't hear one of them sob brokenly, muffled most probably against their palm as the collapse outside against one of the waiting benches. all you can do is pretend that you don't hear the sound of fist meeting wall. 

all you can do is try not to remember walking into the most recent memory baekhyun and kyungsoo shared. a memory that took place just yesterday night, both of them falling asleep in each other's arms and kyungsoo whispering into baekhyun's hair tomorrow he'll say yes this time he'll say yes he has to we'll be mates baekhyun-ah i promise. 

all you can do is hope that they'll come back a fourth time.