#for indigo

[koreposion]

I've been thinking that Hawk may get sugar jitters like I do, and Indigo cancels it out like PEMDAS.

Hawk belongs to: @wr-n!

[d3molition-lov3rs]

spotted the most me and @psychadelic-psyuicide coded rings yesterday,,,.... vampire wives when?

[rvby]

a zoo for an animal

another retconned excerpt from the now deleted fic

"What's that song you're always humming anyway?"

not the kind of song you hear on the radio nowadays. when was the last time you listened to the radio anyway? one of those stations is bound to play some classical music.

classical? really? so much for the tough guy vet act.

oh fuck off. not like you'd get it.

he pauses. pulling out another cigarette and his lighter. just means i care. doesn't matter what it is. just means something to me. i think.

...

he thinks. he thinks it does. there's a years long haze in his memories and every time he reaches at the clouds they part for his hands. falling through his fingers. time immemorial. he adds it to his next letter to naomi. what was that song we used to always listen to?

she knows him better than he knows himself.

scheherazade. the old classical piece gustava had skated to at the olympics. something about getting attached to it, in spite of [did she ever want to skate? it's not like she can do anything else. she would be so lonely without the ice. and yet it represents everything she could never be].

gustava. scheherazade. he remembers trying to skate on the ice, holding her hands as she guides him onto the rink. he can't see her face when he thinks about it. why not?

he doesn't know how much time has passed since he started thinking about it. about them. about her. he doesn't know when he got here. when it got so dark. if it's even the same day. so nothing unusual for him, really.

"Can't sleep?"

"Speak for yourself."

cigarettes passed between lips. wishing the smoke would reveal some sort of clue to what it is he's forgetting. overthinking.

he forgets that too. he's good at that. forgetting. helps to have someone to keep you from thinking. keep your mouth and your body and your mind too busy to bother with anything other than the present.

he puts his cigarette out on his arm and watches his flesh burn. scars on scars on scars. can he even feel his arm anymore? he barely even flinches. snake scrunches his face at the sight. he still can't get used to it. the idea of willingly burning yourself over and over and over and hey, don't knock it 'til you try it, yeah?

yeah. he'll knock it, thanks. a howling of laughter. as if it's strange to be discomforted by pain. as if he's the weird one. you'll wake the whole base up with your laughter, you know.

a snarky little grin. scared of getting caught bumming lights off a superior officer?

worried for both of them if someone—

everyone knows. there's never any hiding anything from big boss.

kiss-ass.

you know i do.

--

it's rare to find him asleep anyway. more nights spent awake inside, light almost always on. outside, if he's smoking. he doesn't like to do that inside. one of his many quirks.

really, it's hard to find him to begin with, if he isn't by big boss's side. it's the only consistent place he's at. he has a tendency to wander, when he's got the time. luckily, he doesn't have too much of that usually.

by now, snake's noticed some spots he likes to visit more than others. the creek. a certain tree (charred from a storm. broken from near the bottom, but the dead stump is more than big enough for him to like to lean against). he'll only be on location if he knows it won't be too loud. too busy.

there are rumors about it. about how he'll come back with blood on his hands and a dead stare and by the time the next day rolls around, he's been shipped off again to who knows where to do god knows what.

but fox never seems too concerned about it. just looks over at him with a grin and blood in his teeth and asks if he wants to fight. so they will. and the days he's gone are fewer and farther between.

as if fighting (as if snake) is a reason to stay.

--

but sometimes, he does sleep. sometimes. pushed to the limit until he can't bother trying not to. dead to the world. weighed down like a stone. none of the usual thrashing about that the nightmare-ridden soldiers do.

fox just... sleeps. still as a corpse. snake asked him once if he even dreams.

"Yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

he knows snake does. knows because he'll be the one helping him awake, pulling him out of whatever war story his mind's made up for him. it's almost natural for him, the routine he goes through each time. like he's done it a thousand times before.

(he has. he remembers sleepless nights looking out at a dead world in a place far away from what he thinks he should call home. he remembers time and time again, easing naomi awake. holding her close. telling her where she is. telling her what time it is. what day it is. telling her she's safe. telling her what they'll be doing tomorrow. he remembers staying by her side until she went back to sleep. it was the only time he could bear to look at her face. the time her eyes were closed and he could see the little girl whose life he ruined without seeing her eyes bore into his soul while he did it.)

that's all he says, though. no answer about what he might be dreaming about, to leave him still in the waking world. so snake doesn't ask. and fox doesn't say. he wonders if he doesn't have nightmares. or maybe his nightmares are just so bad they're paralyzing like that.

but in the end, he'll never know. there's a lot he doesn't know about fox. there's a lot he figures fox doesn't know about him either. it's better that way, for both of them. the way it's supposed to be.

(and yet, in the secret of nights spent hiding alone from the world and expectation and work and the lives they're supposed to live, names are passed on. people they aren't supposed to be anymore, not here and not now. names better reserved for the lips of the living, stained into the mouths of those meant to die from the start. david. dave. a smile. not that toothy, snarky grin. a smile. awkward and new and strange on his scarred, tired face. a smile. with all the innocence of a child. frank.)

[soulsity]

[eternxlsunshine]

"Goodbye" ♡ for extra pain

Lionel x Annie (Attacked/Mugged) 

(The first part of the message is 30 seconds of hardly distinguishable noise and then he starts talking.) “Hey Annikins… I… I need you to c-come and get me. I know that it’s 3 in the m-m-morning and you have sc-school tomorrow, but I w-wo-wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t need it. I was j-just trying to walk to my car and th-th… god. There were so many of them and j-just me. They took my laptop and m-my wallet and my car keys a-and like that wasn’t enough, they still s-sl-slashed one of my wrists. I… I need to call an a-a-ambulance now. I was already calling you to leave you a goodnight message wh-when this happened, so I f-f-figured I might as well do that. Goodnight, Annie. I l-love you. I’ll see you s-soon.”

Lucille x Derek (Drug overdose/ heroin laced with fentanyl)

(Imagine all of her words are slurred. Can you do that for me? Okay? Okay.) “You would kill me if you knew what I was doing right now. I know I promised you… but it all just kinda happened… and I know it was a mistake but you were so angry with me. You were so upset and now I can’t even remember what we were fighting about. You were so upset and when I left your apartment and went back to mine, guess who was waiting outside the door? Fucking Warren, that’s who. And he… he knows how to get to me, Derek. He got to me, Derek. And now… I know I fucked up. I fucked up a lot. I bet you’re asleep right now, and when you wake up, this message won’t mean shit. You know, we could have been great together. I think I loved you, and now it’s too late for all of that. Because I fucked up. Because I let Warren fuck me up. I don’t know why I did it. I just… Needed to feel something that wasn’t because of you. I needed to convince myself I wasn’t going soft- and look where that got me. It serves me right. Karma’s a bitch, and I deserve to die… I’ve done enough damage in my life already. You’ll be okay. I’m gonna go now… I can hardly see straight and I’m not even sure you’ll understand a single word of this fucking message.” 

Indigo x Sutter (Tortured by government agents)

“S-Sutter? I… I don’t know how long I’ll be able to make this message and I’m hoping that maybe someone will be able to figure out where I am from it or something, I don’t really know how that works but please, god, I hope that it’s not too late when you get this. I’m… I think I’ve been missing for three days now, and I know you must be worried sick and I wish I could tell you that I’m okay. I wish I could Sutter, I wish I could. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cry when I talked to you, I promise I didn’t mean to cry. My dad’s here. He’s here and the men in suits have been torturing him trying to get him to tell them where he hid that program he made but he hasn’t been talking. So they took me, and… Everything hurts, I just want it all to be over. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t even have anything to tell them or I would have— they’re just waiting for my dad to crack because of me. But he’s not… he’s not… he cares more about that program than me and I-I don’t understa- I think someone’s coming. I’m not supposed to be doing this. I love y-” (The phone gets taken away from her but isn’t hung up yet so he can still here what’s going on in the room, she’s sobbing the entire time she’s trying to talk) “Please, I don’t know what you want from me. I just want to go home. Please stop, please, please stop. Please-” 

Felicity x Will (Suicide)

“I watched you leave your phone on the kitchen table when you went to go pick up ice cream for tonight, so there’s no way you could have stopped this. I need you to know that, first off. Second I… shit, this is harder than I thought it would be. I just… I need a second. I’m sorry that today’s our anniversary. I’m sorry that I’m ruining it, ruining you. William Blakely, there is no person on earth who I have ever loved as much as you. No one has ever loved me more than you do. But- I… All of the love in the world can’t fix me. I’m broken beyond repair, Will. I know you never wanted to believe that, but deep down I think we both knew that it was true. I kept a secret from you. I’m sorry. I know you hate secrets, too. I know that it scares you when I keep secrets and I don’t blame you for that. Daniel was here… three days ago. You weren’t here and he was only here for a half hour or so. But that was more than enough and I can’t… I can’t bring myself to talk about what happened, not in this message. Not when this is the last thing you’ll ever hear me say. I’m so sorry, Will. I’m sorry that out of all the girls in the world, you fell in love with me. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be strong for you. I’m so sorry that this is one more mess you’ll have to clean up. I love you. God, if only you knew how much I love you. Your anniversary gift is sitting on the kitchen counter- it’s a new friendship bracelet. I hope you still love me enough after this to wear it.”