Eventually I had to start telling myself that I wasn't good enough for him because he always talked about how much he cared about her and was convinced that they were soulmates.
Around April my friend ashleigh convinced me to come to her house and meet a friend of hers, a boy named Josh, who was interested in meeting me because he had seen pictures of me and Ash had told him about me.
I was hesitant at first but eventually I decided to give it a try and meet with him and the other boys that she knew.
When I did meet them, he didn't seem very talkative until the next day when Ash asked me if she could give him my number so he could text me. I refused this for the longest time because I was afraid of any new relationship with a guy. I eventually conceded to it and he would text me frequently and I would ignore a lot of them because I was afraid of what the next step would be.
Devon and I continued to hang out almost every day, and eventually the time came for him having a week and a half off because the plant he worked at closed at that time. He decided to use that time and fly out to Utah to see Joslyn. He made me drop him off at the airport. The day after he left, I was never more heartbroken, he finally decided fully on her and I had to let that sink in.
During that week I texted Josh back more frequently, I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts and we had already started texting a lot at night before I would fall asleep. One day that week I let him call me around 11 or so at night. I figured it would be a 15-30 minute call and that would be it. We talked for 6 hours straight that night, something unprecedented for the both of us.
After that I would call him frequently or he would call me, we enjoyed talking to each other that much.
Eventually, however I had to break it to Devon that I was talking to Josh. Devon never liked the idea of me talking to any other guy and I had hid it from him for the longest time. He was hurt but he accepted it.
At this time my feelings became more and more entangled. I always felt so confused. Devon admitted he would give up Joslyn completely if he can have me and I gave up Josh, I couldn't give up on Josh though, something was holding me back and I didn't figure it out for the longest time. Josh told me that he wanted a future with me, we wanted the same things in life and we talked about that a lot when we chatted on the phone.
Josh openly gave me his heart from nearly the beginning, something I've never seen from another guy. He's told me many things that I thought I would never hear. Devon was cutesy but I felt I could never love him after he hurt me so much.
Eventually I decided I had to make a decision, one that would hurt one of them and I didn't want to but I knew I had to. I figured out I loved Josh when Devon tried to give me an ultimatum and decide on him, or he would leave. My brain went to Josh and I couldn't leave him behind...
In September Josh and I decided to start dating, but in secret so Devon wouldn't sit there and bother me and question why I wouldn't date him. A few days after that, Josh asked if I could stop hanging out with Devon because he saw the damage Devon did to me and continue to do to me by his constant clinginess to me. I decided it would be for the better and told Devon we couldn't hang out anymore. Sadly for the past 2 months, I would keep getting texts, facebook messages, and voicemails from him, begging me to talk to him, say goodbye to him, or just say one complete goodbye because he decided to move to Utah (I never found out if he was still with Joslyn or not.)
That's the majority of my feels this past year.
