#for the void.

[lovernisca]

For rhe void yay. Maybe read this. I want to know someone knows how i feel tbh

I just want someone ehere with me. I never thought I had trust issues until i realized I dont. Trust anybody in my life with my feelings.

After being called sensitive my whole life, and my own dad never listening to me, and always pointing out my mistakes and labeling as fixing it, having an emotionally absent mother, I cant trust anyone.

I hate being nice. I walk over myself like im a doormat on the daily. I let people take and take, and its not their fault because I dont even show I hurt. I dont even tell anyone I hurt like this. Im just so terrified that one day ill spill out to someone and they'll just. Hurt me like he does everytime.

I hate him. I hate my dad. Hes made me hate myself to the point where I know that if I dont succeed, if im not perfect im useless. And if im useless to everyone than I might sd well kill muself.

I want to let muself be heard. I want to ask for help but im too scared to, because I have tried so many times with him and every time he just hurts me more.

But at the same time I dont want tk be like him. I dont want to hurt anyone, so I practice self harm in the form of being nice. Too nice.

Im sick of it.

I dont wven know what to do i just want to be able to trust someone again. I want to heal I want to feel okay. I dont know. I want to be happy. I want someone to love me the way I love, and love loving that stupid boy in my photography class. I want someone to worry about my well being after seeing my posts, I want someone to look forward to the 15 mins they have w me every day, i want someone to daydream abojt me, I want someone to want to know my soul.

But.

I dknt even know these words are jumbled and im mot making sense. I just feel empty and worthless and l. Like a secondhand friend.

A spare. A leftover. A second choice. Fuck not even that, a worst case scenario.

I crave closeness. But to be close, to be real, to be intimate, you have to trust. And open up. And im terrified to try again because no one wants that from me, right? What people want is me, the writer with a nice vocabulary and snappy comebacks! The me whos always bubbly and loud and wearing glitter! The me whos always there for comfort anf never asks for anything in return! Im already failing at pretending im happy.

I dont knoe what i want. I want to be wanted, heard, held, understood, a accepted, and i want to trust.

Just shoot me.

[lovernisca]

tw: idk. Blade mentioned ig. (I didnt hurt myself, i promise.)

I fucking hate boys.

I reallt hate them. Its not fair that just three people should make me feel sk terrible about myself.

I was at an all time high. I was fucking happy. And then they came along, and he said his stupid line and I. Want to take a lnife to my own body and cut off what they dont like.

[lovernisca]

Venntttt

Cuz now I'm worrying.. thats what I do best right . Remember@ for the void means dont fucking read.

two things. Im being too much, and it wont last. Fun stuff

I haven't felt like i trusted, truly trusted someone to be honest enough to cry since . My friend who is not as present in my life anymore.

And i just spilled a lot of my heart to people I love and I am terrified I overstepped and ruined something and I think I would break down and sob if I did. I don't know when or how to trust and now that I have im. Scared so scared someone fucking shoot me.

And. I cant stop thinking about how nothing lasts. Eventually something will happen and this will all go away and. I dont want to lose any of you. I. I really don't. The world makes exceptions sometimes so maybe it'll make enough for us all?

Im just scared. I feel vulnerable and out in the open and I trust no one will shoot me in the heart but.

Im still scared.

[lovernisca]

I fucking.

Mahor ran.t i wrote rhis while crying so typos yay.

Today is rhw worst. The worst. The worst. Im so fucking pissed at myself anf my dad. And. ..

Why do I have to be such a crybaby? My parents are all stoic and unemotional so why am I the complete opposite? I hate it sj much. Im a hypersensitive overanalyzing and worrying . Bitch. And thwy aren't any of those. But the bigch part.

They clild never understand how much it hurts being instructed with an almost authoritarian tone. After failing.

Twk fucking tests with a perfect 50 percent and not even being able to finish a question. Therefore making it three fails in a row. I feel likea total failure and an idiot

And then i ask dear papa for help and he gets pissy im forgetting signs and simple mistakes and decides. Oh hey

Shes feeling dumb after failing so much? Probably cried for a whole period because wr make it so he feels like a letdown and an idiot if they dont get perfect marks? As always? HAS A STUDENT SYBDROME?

Im gonna make him feel even worse. Storm off crying. And when she comes back, I keep that authority over his head anf make it sound like my grades are the provlem and my math skills NOT THE FUCKING WAY I WAS TALKED TO.

No. I know im not an idiot dad. BUT YOU MSKE ME FEEL LIKE ONE ON A DAILY BADIS. AND I HATE IT.

I hatw taking after you. I hate when I put others down with sassy remarks because i am not that person. YOU ARE. AND I DONT WANT TO BE YOU EVER.

[lovernisca]

Pppppaaaatthhh

wwwoooooooowwww I am sad and pathey8c. Maybe I should shoot myself in the head to stop feeling so fucking. Possessive and jealous and entitled and attention seeking and worried and iverhinking ALL THE TIME AND SP DUXKING GROSS.

I am going to slam my head into concrete NOW.

its so fun knowinf what's wrong with me and slowly fixing it but srill having that . Those episodes.

Gr.

[lovernisca]

B

Someone is going to see them tom99rr9w. And ill have to come clean and . Im dead im dead im dead

What the fuck do i do

Im gonna tey to wear a sweater the whole practice, like with shorts to compensate. But im scared. Im so scared

[lovernisca]

Im fucked

Im an idiot. Holy shit im brain dead.

Theyre bright red. BRIGHT RED AND I . I have lacrosse practice tomorrow.

Im dead. Someone is going to see and im going to die

Fuck