I, forever alone woman
In the jungle of reddit, one will find a variety of communities. There seems to be nothing that cannot accommodate anything. Cars, food, pets, pimple popping, vents, etc. They are more correctly called subreddits. Oh, there are some that are about relationships, too.
I myself dived into this orange, occasionally banana-themed jungle two years ago. Initially, I simply tried to get some help and opinions about my appearance. (Nothing helped unless you count receiving confirmation about my unattractiveness.) Sometime after that, I realized that I was indeed ugly inside and out. I was never capable of having a relationship or a boyfriend, and I shivered at the fact that I will become an old maid. My family will not always be around me, and I will never have children or a husband - I saw I was destined to be alone.
In my search for a place for myself, here enters ForeverAloneWomen. I could say that I perfectly fit the subreddit's description. 😂
We are a women-only sub aimed at women who struggle to bond with others, start relationships, feel attractive... We talk about depression, late virginity or very limited experience, low self-esteem, social anxiety, body image issues, handicaps, mental disorders.
My Personal Experience
As an adult, I would say that my childhood self had experienced a pretty tough life. Perhaps yes, you can still call me lucky. I did not have to work, I never really had a serious problem with money, I could eat abundantly, I was generally healthy, and I attended school and was able to reach college. With all that said, people can say I belong to the fortunate ones. We weren't well-off either; there was still so much I could not afford and there are things that are normal for others to have but not for me. For example, I cannot dress up like other girls did. Fashion back then was awful though. Haha. However, even now in my 20s, all I can wear are shirts and pants. Only now that I started working that I began wearing feminine blouses. In another specific instance (which can somehow describe my situation), my beautiful cousins could just sit down and worry about their swimsuits and accessories on our family vacation. While there was I who would get scolded for not helping with chores. My own mom would say that I look like garbage - I was dark-skinned, stinky, and I wasn't girly. The pictures can prove this. Additionally, since we aren't money rich, I grew up being aware that I still had to work harder than others. I was not born to be a pretty girl and have a charmed life.
The becoming of a forever alone woman
My teenage years were mostly spent in a public science high school. I don't intend to brag but, once people know where I study, they immediately assume that I am pretty smart. I guess I was a bit smart, to be honest. Well, I had to. I mean, there was nothing much I can be proud of about myself so the child me found comfort in studying and getting good grades.
That science high school was a humbling experience. There, I was barely mediocre! Almost at the bottom of my class. I was also pressured, I couldn't sleep much anymore, and I was indeed smelly and dirty. Despite the prestige, it was still a public school with a lack of funding for good ventilation and comfort room essentials. Anyways, yes, I was such an ugly kid. (But cute! With my backpack, sling bag, extra briefcase, and lunch box... I looked like a turtle.🐢)
It was also during these years that my mental health started failing. (Trigger Warning: self harm) Because of the stress and all the all-nighters I had to do, I developed this self-destructing disorder called trichotillomania. I would pull my hair every time I study, do my homework, and when I am procrastinating, etc. I also binged ate to cope with my stress and I was unaware of it back then. I thought I was simply eating a lot for stress relief but it was too much that I gained weight too fast. In 9th grade, I recall having self-harm habits and suicidal thoughts. Not to going to delve into it so much; maybe you can picture the struggle. Nonetheless, I pushed through.
My social life was okay though. I had one best friend and she was definitely more than enough. Then, in tenth grade, my circle got bigger. I had another close friend in my class who later got me and my best friend absorbed in her circle. They were in another section though. The sad part. If I want to see them, it can only be during lunchtime and dismissal. It could have been better if we were classmates because I was usually a loner who was challenged to find groupmates for group projects and activities.
I wish I can share pictures here but I only have very few because I hated being in pictures. Maybe next time! I'll share some.
Prom? Ball? I never attended those. I thought we could not afford a gown. Even renting was still kind of expensive. I was also insecure about my body because I had acne all over my back and my face. My head was also balding because of trichotillomania. Besides, even with my own circle of friends, I still felt like an outcast. (Sorry, friends!) It's not their fault. It's just that I had different interests and they had known each other longer and deeper. They were still my saviors for the rest of my high school days though, I love them dearly.
If I wanted to dance, I could only do it in our family's bedroom when I am alone. And if I wanted to feel accompanied in those moments, there was my pillow. The pillow that rebounded my own body heat for my comfort, and the one that had wiped my tears while I fall asleep.
High school days went by. In my 11th and 12th grades, I was already burnt out and excited to go to college. Not much story to tell because I was already exhausted to care during the last two years of high school. Yes. Imagine me pressing the fast-forward button. I swear nothing much relevant during those times. Only tons of paperwork and worries about college enrollment. Then, boom. Yes, finally, I graduated from high school.
Now, for the story-killing part, I would say that I wasn't a great person to be with either. Sorry. 😅 My personality was not likable in general and it took years for me to be who I am today (and I am still pretty much unlikable! Hahaha! Although I am hoping that I am better now). My teenage self had a lot of unlearning to do and her own reality to reflect on. She fought her battles and she won each by surviving. Then she had more coming. More unlearning. More struggles. More calling for contemplation.
Honestly, those cycles of unlearning and transforming felt unfair on my part because I was not an awful person out of my own fault. Just probably, any girl who had been belittled for her appearance (e.g., called ugly, trash, pig, and other bad names) would likely become more defensive herself. In my case, I got into conflicts, not because I love the drama, but because I felt I was being stepped on or because I want to win at least in those particular circumstances. However, like I said earlier, I learned little by little, and today, I believe I am a better person in terms of personality and attitude. (with still a lot to work on though 😬)
Final Words
These high school/teenage years, I consider them a vital component to the FA I am today. Others would probably cite virginity, their dating experience, and their numerous heartbreaks, the like... For me, this is my contribution to that pool of FA stories. How I view those years, it seems to me that I was built to be alone. Never to be dependent on my friends (and it must be a mistake when I start becoming too clingy). Intimacy is just plain weird and borderline cringe, no matter how lovely it seems in my imagination. Now in my 20s, I sometimes desire to have a partner. I don't know, I never had one yet I feel like it must be wonderful to have a boyfriend and do 'couple' stuff. If I must list down my priorities, it's already preset to only contain my family, my career plans (formerly plans for my education, but I already graduated so...), and my few friends. Romance still feels out of the line and gross in actuality, most especially for an unattractive woman like me. I had a number of crushes too and that's all my feelings can afford to reach. Since then as well, my mental health never really recovered. Mental health-wise, trichotillomania is still haunting me, and sorry for the drama, but I do suspect I have depression. Just never had the resources to get it diagnosed and treated.
Do I feel sad for being FA? Yes, I do. Do I feel like it's a worthless life to be FA? Not so much anymore. When being FA became clear to me, I couldn't accept it at first. Then here I am today, or rather my mind and heart specifically, somehow agreeing that I deserve a chance to live unceasingly. There is still so much I wish to try like traveling, eating and having new comfort foods, having my own dogs, buying my parents their needs and wants, taking part in various social causes, making this blog grow, watching all the awesome shows on a wide-screen TV, and learning so many hobbies. Life has so much to offer beyond relationships and getting married and having children before reaching my 30s - at least, this is how I see it as of now. Although I have to work harder to reach these (which I dread. 😆)
I wonder if I can edit this so I can add pictures once I am more comfortable. For now, these are all that I can share. Maybe I can also write a continuation, but so far, I don't envision my blog place to be some sort of depressing digest. This initiative to blog though was immensely inspired by being FA. Thus, it's probably why being a FAW was the first topic I decided to write about.
If you're reading this, thanks for reaching this point. Sorry if I bored the hell out of you. Hahaha, still, thanks for your time.
If you're a FAW too, feel free to drop a 'hi' or whatever. The subreddit has a discord! And I am a constant human there too. Just some side note, the top mods deserve the credit because they founded this community and they gave me this sense of identity. Otherwise, I would have stayed feeling like an alien outcast.
Bye for now! Be safe and be good always.