Mighty Change is Mighty Hard...
-Neal L. Maxwell-
“In a blink of an eye everything can change”. Working as a therapist for the past 14 years I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard these words from my patients. It’s felt very surreal to see my own life change “in a blink of an eye.” The life I once knew was over and my mortal battle to survive had now begun.
Initially when I was diagnosed I did the most responsible thing and I turned to a reliable source ... google. I typed in such questions as “what is the prognosis of multiple myeloma?” and “what are the treatments involved?” The information that I received was both overwhelming and discouraging, and now looking back slightly incorrect. I think when you’re suddenly faced with a disease of this magnitude and not to familiar with, you immediately reach out to whomever and look wherever you can to feel a sense of control and also receive answers. Although the internet is a highly useful tool it wasn’t necessarily in this case 😬. In the beginning I was very resistant to “traditional medicine”. I had always proclaimed that if I were ever to be diagnosed with cancer that I would never go the “traditional” route, which involved chemotherapy along with other treatment methods. However, it was a far different feeling when I was actually diagnosed, I admittedly felt conflicted about my initial beliefs. There were many out there who offered a different opinion, solution and treatment plan. There were numerous documentaries that all supported every point of view from doctors and traditional medicine, to a holistic approach or specific diet plan. That any of these options would surely lead me to a cure. I really didn’t know which direction to turn and what I should do. I was extremely overwhelmed, but was gently reminded by a peaceful feeling that touched my heart and a strong impression that came to my mind that God was in charge. I just needed to turn down the “noise” or detach from the distraction around me and trust in his plan for me. That he would be the one to guide me. He has constantly reminded me of this throughout my journey.
It was a real miracle that I found my Myeloma Specialist. Jason and I just happened to attend a Multiple Myeloma support group meeting just prior to when I was set to start treatment with a regular oncologist. A gal approached us as we were exiting, she quietly approached me handing over a piece of paper with a name and number to a specialist that had saved her life. I initially dismissed it my treatment plan had already been set, but soon everything that I had previously planned began to unravel. Do you ever have that feeling where everything in life just goes completely wrong all at once? We soon found ourselves facing a difficult circumstance where nothing seemed to be going right or at least easy. We first found out that my current insurance would not cover my transplant and that the life saving treatment that I would need would cost $8,000 a month, it came out to approximately $380.00 a pill (and that was with the pharmacy discount). Jason was still out of a job and I began to feel a sense of desperation. That’s when I remembered the gal who had given me that contact info to her specialist. We then had hopes at this point that I would be accepted to some kind of trial. I made the phone call that completely changed the course of my future. It didn’t take long for me to get an appointment with the specialist at UT Southwestern which I will always be grateful for.
After my meeting with the Specialist they were unable to offer a trial that would allow for a future pregnancy so we decided against that. Since Jason was still out of a job we reached out to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society who were able to approve my much needed and expensive immunotherapy for the next six months. Literally the next day after getting my approval Jason got a job. We dropped to our knees in gratitude, we both knew very well that the Lord had been integral in our journey. If Jason had not lost his job when he did I would have never received that life saving help.
My treatment journey then began which to my surprise, I experienced an extreme amount of sadness as I watched others around me continue to live out their lives normally. I felt heartache as I watched Jason and Jackson continue on with their life, often without me. I felt a sense of loneliness that I had never felt before. But there were also so many miracles to follow. I was able to put on hold the transplant and achieve an unexpected remission. I collected enough stem cells for two transplants when it looked like I wouldn’t even get enough for one. And my pain and feeling of loneliness were both eased along my journey.
One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned through my experience, is that even though life can and will always throw us unexpected challenges. If we can learn to embrace change instead of fear it, if we are spiritually prepared and have faith, those unique and often unexpected challenges will transform us beyond what we ever thought possible. I’ve learned to forgive often and love with all my heart because you never know when you’ll have that chance again. Miracles happen every day both within us and also around us we just need to look for them. We need not fear the future, falter in hope, and be of good cheer because God is with us.