#form letter

[victusinveritas]

Robert Heinlein's form letter when responding to fan mail. He was a Randian libertarian in the worst way towards the end, but he could tell a good story when he wanted to (I have not now nor will I ever buy any of his books new--and keep a copy of Glory Road in the house for purely sentimental reasons).

[thriftrescue]

Valentines Citation Form. To make an awkward holiday eaiser!

(inspired by similar forms)

[themeanestpossiblecat-blog]

WILLIAM

[katieleighrobinson]

[thinksinrhyme]

Form Letter Fail

Form letters are getting less sympathetic… “We are disappointed to hear of your recent purchase of our Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream.” They’re sorry that I purchased their product??  Hmmmm…. Customer service seems to be going downhill everywhere. When Rick goes through the self check at Safeway there’s always a group of cashiers, chatting and blocking one of the registers. Are we also expected to…

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[dancinbutterfly]

Hi! You can decide to get over it or leave me the fuck alone :D

You did X!

I did it because I thought it was the right thing at the time because of my reasons. If you have a problem with that? I dont care.

You should have done y, why didnt you look it up !

Because I dont care.

Why didn't you Z, thats the right way!

Because I dont fucking care to

You actually did A thing and it's bad.

Chances are even if I did over step, it was taken further. Chances are what I did I was taken in the most harmful way possible because this the internet, and the internet is full of traumatized people and traumatized people are often dying for someone to validate them so that you can use judgment of others to reality check in a destabilized world? But it doesn't matter. Nothing I say is going to change your mind so I dont care.

WHATEVER HAPPENED! BAD! DONT YOU [BLANK]

I am done. This is your new blanket response. Forever.

I'm not a racist, a bigot, a phobic, an -ist of any kind.

What I am is someone who cares more about living my own life in a way that is comfortable and makes sense to my morals and values than trying to reach the utterly impossible standards the internet hoards is trying to set for itself in a riot of reactions.

WE WILL NOT BE DOING THAT HERE.

If you dont like how I respond? Then block me. If you think I'm a dick, okay. That sucks. I'll miss you. I'm probably not but you deserve your own opinions and thinking I am very concert can look like assholery I do know that.

I am not out here to pick fights. I am out here to just vibe. My intentin is always positivity, kindness, and working out my own shit for myself. If you read hurt into that, I want to remind you that you put that on your own plate. That's you creating a you problem (est. 4/30/23) and I refuse to take responsibility for you putting hate, cruelty, vitriol, malice or other negativity on me. If you read that in me? That's you choosing to interpret that from your own lens of existence.

Because This weekend? I ran out of patience. If you don't like me? That is now a you problem. You can take these things in and realize that chances are DB was just being a human and doing what humans do on tumblr, tumblring, and move on to the fact that they just were vibing, or you can get ANGRY and BLOCK ME. But I gotta tell you.

I don't fucking care anymore. You can decide to get over it and we can move on or you can leave me the fuck alone. But not one thing about any of this, here, on tumblr, is important enough compared to this I am dealing with to deal with just because you, pocket person, have an angwy.

It's just not and I am SO tired

So decide to get over it or fuck off. The choice is yours

[rantsintechnicolor]

I’m drafting the letters…

…to the landlord. The first letter asks him to prove that his request for us to vacate is valid under the California Tenant Protection Act. Below is a form letter provided by a firm that works with low income folks to prevent fraudulent eviction and homelessness. While searching the internet, we have found similar letters, so this is pretty standard. We did make a few tweaks. I really wish there were other ways to address the landlord without saying “dear” or “sincerely.” Dear is way too nice, and they are not dear to me at all, but I have no idea how to replace it. “To [insert name here]”? Sincerely is fine, I guess. I am sincere. I wish I could replace it with “take that, you bastard,” “how do you like that, you greedy hags,” or the classic, “fuck you, you fucking fuck.” My wife counsels decorum. Of course, she’s right.

Dear [LANDLORD OR OPPOSING COUNSEL]:

You recently served an eviction notice dated [DATE ON NOTICE] (“Notice”), claiming that you plan to remodel our unit and that we must move out.  The purpose of this letter is to request additional information about the Notice in order to determine if it is valid. 

California’s new Tenant Protection Act has specific requirements for an owner demolishing or substantially remodeling a property.  Failure to abide by these requirements will result in a fraudulent eviction. In order to lawfully evict a tenant under California Civil Code Section 1946.2(b)(2)(D), the owner must intend to demolish or substantially remodel.  “Substantially remodel” means:

the replacement or substantial modification of any structural, electrical, plumbing, or mechanical system that requires a permit from a governmental agency, or the abatement of hazardous materials, including lead-based paint, mold, or asbestos, in accordance with applicable federal, state, and local laws, that cannot be reasonably accomplished in a safe manner with the tenant in place and that requires the tenant to vacate the residential real property for at least 30 days. Cosmetic improvements alone, including painting, decorating, and minor repairs, or other work that can be performed safely without having the residential real property vacated, do not qualify as substantial rehabilitation.

California Civil Code § 1946.2(b)(2)(D)(ii).

This means that you must plan to replace or substantially modify something in our unit in a way that requires a permit, or else you must be addressing hazardous materials in the unit.  In both cases, it must not be possible to do the work in a safe manner with us present in the unit and it will take more than 30 days to do the work.  If the work you plan does not meet these requirements, you will be fraudulently evicting us and we will be entitled to sue you for damages and injunctive relief.

For these reasons, it is important to ensure that you intend to demolish or substantially remodel the unit as defined by statute.  Therefore, we ask that you provide the following documentation by no later than [DATE]:

Specific information about the remodeling work that will be done, including the type of work, the length of time it is expected to take, and why the work cannot be performed with the tenant in place. Permits for demolition or remodeling work. Architectural drawings for remodeling work. Contractor work plans or bids (redacted so as not to reveal financial figures) for demolition or remodeling. Invoices, work orders and/or receipts for purchase of fixtures or other products to be used in a remodel or rental equipment to be used in a remodel or demolition.

All of this information will be discoverable in an unlawful detainer and wrongful eviction lawsuit and the information is relevant to your compliance with the California Tenant Protection Act.  We are prepared to uphold the Tenant Protection Act, but we hope that by providing this information we can avoid litigation and avoid needless and harmful disruption to our lives.

Our desire is to continue paying rent and remain living in the rental unit.  If you agree to rescind the eviction notice, we will continue to pay our rent.  Further, we will also agree not to pursue any legal action against you related to the eviction notice.

[OPTIONAL SECTION TO START NEGOTIATIONS:]  On the other hand, if you provide us with satisfactory evidence of a pending demolition or substantial remodel, and it appears that the evidence might support a claim that we are required to vacate for more than 30 days to ensure our safety, we would be willing to negotiate a move-out deal.  In that case, we would offer to move out by [FUTURE DATE] with a waiver of the final [X] months of rent [OR ADDITIONAL RELOCATION PAYMENT, ETC]  [DISCUSS LOCAL RELOCATION ORDINANCE HERE IF APPLICABLE] These waivers of rent will ensure our ability to afford security deposit and first and last month’s rent in new housing. 

We look forward to receiving information from you demonstrating your intentions and construction plans.  As always, please reach out with any questions or concerns.  We appreciate your prompt attention and consideration.

Sincerely,

[TENANT]

[madscientistjournal]

Hollywood Cafe

A letter from Nick Nickerson, as provided by Tara Campbell Art provided by Luke Spooner

Dear Brian Jones,

Congratulations on owning a new Hollywood Café franchise! We are proud to welcome you to the Hollywood family. We were impressed with your prior background in the restaurant business and your entrepreneurial drive, and will support you every step of the way toward your future success!

If there is one thing you should remember, it’s this: there is no such thing as “your” success without “our” success. As long as people believe in the Hollywood brand, they’ll believe in YOU! Tape this to your mirror as a daily reminder:

Your hard work + OUR brand = YOUR Hollywood Blockbuster

For your initial investment of $  10,000  we will equip your restaurant with  1 (one)  Tastee-lite™ Replicator(s) and   3 (three)  celebrity cell cultures. According to our market research, ingredients sourced from the following celebrities should attract the maximum number of consumers in your area:

Danny Devito (for subs and melts)

Kathy Gifford (for salads and omelets)

David Hasselhoff (for soups and stews)

Please confirm acceptance of these selections by initialing next to each one in the enclosed franchise agreement.

Tape this to your mirror as a daily reminder:

Your hard work + OUR brand = YOUR Hollywood Blockbuster

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2018 collection.

Nick Nickerson is proud to bring the best of culinary innovation to American families, and is excited to announce that he is bringing his franchise to the U.K. In honor of his new London location, he is creating groundbreaking dishes such as Fast ‘n’ Furious Fish ‘n’ Chips, featuring Dwayne Johnson, and Sam Shepard Pie.

Tara Campbell [www.taracampbell.com] is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and an assistant fiction editor at Barrelhouse. Prior publication credits include SmokeLong Quarterly, Litbreak, Masters Review, b(OINK), Queen Mob’s Teahouse, and Mad Scientist Journal. Her novel, TreeVolution, was released in 2016, and her collection, Circe’s Bicycle, with be published in fall 2017.

Luke Spooner, a.k.a. ‘Carrion House,’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree, he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales, his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy, or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility, as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

“Hollywood Cafe” originally appeared in Punchnel’s in July 2013.

“Hollywood Cafe” is Copyright 2013 Tara Campbell Art accompanying story is Copyright 2018 Luke Spooner

Hollywood Cafe was originally published on Mad Scientist Journal