Pain in the Alps
(wahey, another au post! more bonejumper! it's noncanon, an- wait why is pain in the titl-)
[ah, yes. the alps. buncha mountains off in the east. they're pretty scenic. today, however and for whatever reason, they're pretty foggy. not an issue to bonecrusher nor rocketjumper, whom happen to be taking a stroll through the pennine alps. enjoying themselves, one would imagine.]
[bonecrusher is hopping around, occasionally tripping himself up due to getting his toes stuck in cracks in the ground.]
RJ: so! any fun plans for the future?
BC, getting onto his feet once again: none that are coming to mind, no. why, when's our anniversary?
RJ: ahh... some time in... february? that makes sense.
BC: no, that's when you first got to the base. didn't we marry after you gave honey that spark attack?
RJ: ...oh yeah. still don't feel too good about doing that to him.
BC: cake's forgiven you for it, don't worry. been a while since, actually.
RJ: i don't feel like i deserve it, though, you know? i killed her conjunx. if anything i should've been dead ever since she first heard about it, but... she... just hasn't. no bad blood between us two. i don't get it.
BC: well, life is full of surprises. a box of chocolates, i guess.
RJ: do humans really say that? life is like a box of chocolates?
BC: yeah. you never know what you're gonna get.
RJ: hah. that's... mmm... yeah, alright, i guess that makes sense.
BC: yo, hey, that day at the tiny outpost reminded me of a question i wanted to ask you for a long time. rockie, what's your biggest kink?
RJ: as if you don't already know!
BC: no, genuinely! what's your biggest kink? i wanna know.
RJ: ...well, having a cock is pretty up there. then there's the whole 'being more than one person's wife' thing, that's hot. filling people with cum... yum... well, i'd have to say my biggest kink is you. final answer.
BC: wh... me? i-
RJ: [she picks bonecrusher up by his lovehandles.] yes, you. i love you more than anyone else would bother, bonecrusher. c'mon.
BC: what about munchie and bunkbed though?
RJ: okay, fair point. those dudes are pretty down bad for you. my point still stands. [she kisses bonecrusher's forehead.]
BC: d'aww. okie. i love you too. [smooch.]
[rocketjumper carries bonecrusher bridal style down the path, blabbering on about whatever pops into mind.]
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RJ: ...and then, it just... clicks. i suddenly realize how much trouble i'm in, i hide the evidence, i run for the hills. but i did remember to execute him!
BC: good for you for remembering to kill him. he seemed like a major dick.
RJ: god, he was! any time i'd try to talk some sense into him, he'd fire back with some annoying excuse...
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BC: ...strawberry energon though? solid A+. that shit tastes like a labor of love and i won't have it any other way. you agree right?
RJ: unanimously.
BC: nice! and uh... shit, what's that other green one? spearmint? electric dream?
RJ: i think it was... chewy lime?
BC: huh...
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[rocketjumper hops over a crack in the ground.]
RJ: what was i saying? oh yeah. he said his dick was like 4 feet long.
BC: and how long was it actually?
RJ: barely one. had a good laugh about it, but the poor dude looked like he was hurt by it. which makes sense. some people think dick size is everything, but it... well, sort of isn't? like, the smaller ones are fine, but i prefer the bigger ones... mainly you.
BC: mmm.
RJ: so then i milked him for about 3 earth days. his cum tasted like apple juice. kinda weird.
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BC: okay, what next?
RJ: final event on the list? just us, hanging out on pluto. it's the perfect vacation spot: no humans for miles, unexplored terrain, the massive heart that pluto has. if we forget to bring condoms, we can even troll the humans with the semen if it doesn't dry up before they explore pluto for themselves.
BC: ooh! oooh! we can put up little structures too to troll them further! like little alien totem poles and faces on the surface! it'd be such a good prank!!
RJ: god, it would, wouldn't it? buncha idiots'll think it was little green people that made them. how i envy them sometimes. they don't have to ask the us government for materials to build our own sex toys, but we do.
BC: ...well, while that is embarrassing, they haven't said no yet.
RJ: yeah. they haven't said n- [she steps into a bear trap.] -yEEIAIGHHGAHFFUCK!!! [rocketjumper hops around on one foot, and trips into a nearby rock.]
[bonecrusher flops onto the ground, immediately hopping to his feet.]
BC: shit, babe, are you alright?!
RJ: WHO PUTS FUCKING BEAR TRAPS IN THE ALPS?!?!
BC: aw, god... uhm. ooh. patchwork'll know what to do! [he attempts to use the radio, only to get some unbearable white noise in his ear instead.] FFFHHRGHRRRGHHH---- nevermind... uhm... [he takes a closer look at the bear trap, trying to figure out how to get it off safely, when he notices an autobot symbol on one of the teeth that didn't make it into rockie's ankle.] ...the autobots.
RJ: ,,,Y- [deep breath.] you... don't think it was an ambush, do you?
BC: seems too coincidental to not be an ambush. try your best not to bleed out, i'll make sure no one's able to hurt you while you're down.
RJ: god, i can fend for myself, you know! just... the bear trap was unexpected. [she stumbles back onto her feet, leaning on a rock wall.]
BC: ...well, what's a partner for? gotta look out for yer other, y'know. not trying to say you can't fend for yourself, and certainly not trying to be rude. hey, did you...
RJ: ...get the arm cannons working? [her forearms transform into a couple of heavy duty path blasters, similar to those from TF:FoC.] patchwork helped me get those goddamn archaic systems functioning. the armblades are compatible as well! just... wanna stay vigilant. (<-- this is canon. rocketjumper having her heavy duty path blasters is canon i'm just writing this story for angst)
[a metaphorical lightbulb lights up.]
RJ: what was with the growling earlier?
BC: ah... comms aren't working. either nebula can't get over here, or there's an emp system somewhere. anyhow, i can't and don't want to try again. you know how it is.
RJ: ...yeah. yeah, i get it. alright, you don't mind being a living crutch, right, boney?
BC: for you? not at all. [he gets his mining claw under rockie's beartrapped leg, helping her stumble along the path.] i'll make sure to swipe at any more traps i can reach. you gotta blast the ones i can't.
RJ: not a problem. [she gains a forearm back, extending that arm's armblade.] lead the way.
[and so, the two slowly but surely made their way down the path, taking note to destroy anything vaguely autobot in nature. three watchtowers, countless bear traps and EMP stations, and a couple of abandoned structures were destroyed over time.]
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[aeroplane wheels touch down at the end of the path.]
[patchwork hops out of marrowbomber's cargo bay, and fortslammer slides off of the top of marrowbomber's fuselage.]
FS, landing on his feet: what's the sitrep, doc?
PW: bonecrusher and rocketjumper are slated to meet here at the end of their walk, but their comms are jammed and they haven't arrived yet. screen for traps and two decepticons. i'll be right behind you.
FS: affirmative. [fortslammer transforms into his king tiger alt form, and begins his trek... logically, faster than a king tiger should. they were pretty shitty back in the day. guess 'slammer got his upgrades off the black market. i -- the narrator -- don't blame him.]
[patchwork runs and hops onto fortslammer's turret, perching like a gargoyle and keeping both eyes open for hostiles.]
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[bonecrusher and rocketjumper have been captured by a group of heavily-armed autobots. the commander (hereby described as Kommander) whom looks oddly... distasteful... is eyeing down his quarry.]
Kommander: I was not expecting two of them. Quite impressive.
Soldier 3: Oh, my bear trap! I was wondering where that went. [He rips it off of Rocketjumper's ankle, causing extra damage.] Thanks!
RJ: [barely conscious]
Soldier 7: Primus... she's so heavy...
Soldier 2: I can take your place for you, if-
[The Kommander executes Soldier 2.]
Kommander: Do not give up. It shows weakness.
Soldier 7: ...O-okay.
Kommander: ...where was I? Ah, yes. The Claw of Megatron and his conjunx.
Soldier 3: What should we do with them, commander?
Soldier 5: We could harvest them for information!
Kommander: They're too stupid to hide any of their information; that would be time wasted in our fight against the Decepticons.
Soldier 6: They'd be good for punching bags!
Kommander: What's wrong with the ones I've already given you? Are you perhaps... spoiled?
Soldier 6: ...N-no...
Kommander: Sure you're not.
Soldier 1: Oooh! Ooh! I have an idea! We should execute the Claw first and watch his conjunx squirm!!
Kommander: OH. I like your style, little bot. [He sticks a little pin onto Soldier 1's chassis.]
Soldier 6: Do you think he'd have any last words?
Soldier 7: Maybe. Wake him up.
[Soldier 5 delivers a knee into Bonecrusher's right side.]
BC: [he coughs back to life, looking around at the feet of the autobots. two big feet stomp in front of him, aiming a FoC-esque Riot Cannon at his dome. he looks up, into the barrel of the cannon.] ...what.
Kommander: Any last words?
BC: life is fleeting. wish i coulda eaten ya, y'nazi fuck.
Kommander: Thank you. [He executes Bonecrusher without a second thought. That makes twice that Bonecrusher's died now.] (it doesn't.) Three, move behind the big one and prepare for execution.
Soldier 3: Didn't Optimus say he wanted to use her as a fleshlight?
Kommander: [He leans into Soldier 3.] We do not speak to 2007 Optimus Prime, and we do not take orders from him. Execute the big one.
Soldier 3: Uh- Sir yes sir. [Mildly excited, he wanders behind Rocketjumper, forming a Path Blaster and aiming at her head.]
Kommander: I swear to Primus, if you miss... Alright. One. Wake her.
[Soldier 1 shakes Rocketjumper's head.]
RJ: [she falls into consciousness.] whue... huh? [her eyes lock onto bonecrusher's scarred, oddly void chest cavity. she's speechless, tears running down her face.]
[The Kommander smiles behind his battle mask.]
Kommander, discreetly: [whispering to Seven and Four, the ones holding Rocketjumper:] Drop her. Let her hold him.
[rocketjumper is released by the autobots, crawling over to bonecrusher's gun metal grey corpse. her sobbing slowly grows louder and more desperate.]
Kommander: [whispering to Three:] Any time you want. Don't take too long.
[Soldier 3 sneaks up to Rocketjumper's side.]
RJ: …ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵇᵉ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᶦⁿᵍ,,, ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵇᵉ ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᶦⁿᵍ,,, NOOO-
[Soldier 3 executes Rocketjumper after getting his ocular systems damaged from her scream.]
Kommander: COME ON! She could've screamed his name, you useless-! Agh. Whatever. Now,---
[BANG. The Kommander's upper chassis is ripped asunder and ceases to exist.]
[The Soldiers react accordingly, firing into the fog.]
[Soldier 7 falls next. After him, comes 5, 1, 3 and 6.]
Soldier 4: ...ah, Primus...
[fortslammer transforms, running up to Four and strangling him.]
FS: you little fucking monster! how fucking dare you!! executing unarmed decepticons on their fucking vacation! you disgust me!!
Soldier 4: p-- ,,,,Please,,,, c-Come on, I wasn'-
[Soldier 4's head pops off, flying off into the distance.]
PW: ...wh... [he walks up to rocketjumper's body.] ...no... how... what??? they shouldn't have died this easily... was their plot armor turned off or something?? i- ...[hic]... god... [he wipes his face.] i never got to clone her consciousness...
FS: ...? what do you mean?
PW: i... i have bonecrusher's backed up. state of the art technology, i can make him a new head, but... rocketjumper... FUCK!
FS: how do you think he'll react?
PW: 'how do you'--?? FORTSLAMMER.
FS: hey now. i never saw them in the same room together, doc, how should i know?
PW: you disrespectful piece of shit! [he slaps fortslammer.] you're lucky bunkerbuster would have my hide if i killed you.
FS, rubbing his face: ...sorry.
PW: ...[sigh]. alright. let's... bring them back.
[fortslammer picks up rocketjumper as if she were a queen-sized mattress, and patchwork hauls bonecrusher by his arms. they both make their way back to marrowbomber.]
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7 days later:
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[bonecrusher sits at the kitchen island with a barbed wire energon cube.]
[footmuncher pops by.]
BC: ...
FM: [he takes a seat with bonecrusher.] hey. i... heard what happened. how are you holding up?
BC: ...i'm not.
FM: poor guy. [he kisses bonecrusher's cheek, hugging him.] if you need any help, let m-
BC: could you haul me over to the alps?
FM: ...
BC: please. they forgot her hat.
FM: alright. when do y-
[bonecrusher gets out of the chair, wandering to the bunker door and ripping it upwards. footmuncher follows him outside. bonecrusher transforms, and footmuncher joins him. they get all hooked up, and footmuncher takes bonecrusher over to the alps.]
FM: nebula.
N: nebula to footmuncher, report.
FM: orbital assistance required. follow me over to the alps.
N: you got it.
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[footmuncher drops bonecrusher off, gaining altitude. for some reason, it's raining today and still as foggy as ever.]
FM: let me know if you find her hat.
[bonecrusher races down the trail, desperately scanning the ground for rocketjumper's hat using his mine claw.]
[footmuncher follows from long range, and nebula watches from orbit.]
N: ehh... spotted. square hat, military style. one klick north.
[bonecrusher packs his claw up, pedal to the metal, counting the meters as he goes.]
[eventually, he finds her hat. bonecrusher transforms, ripping it off of the ground and staring at it. a tiny sliver of it was shot off by her executioner. he looks up, off into the distance.]
BC: ...
FM: ...do you need a lift home?
[bonecrusher can't respond.]
N: nebula to bonecrusher, what're you observing? a titan?
BC: [barely audible:] you could say that.
[bonecrusher stares down his lover's ghost, just up ahead, visible through the rain. he tears up, slowly approaching the apparition.]
FM: ...is he going to be okay?
N: oh, totally. just keep quiet. he needs a moment.
[bonecrusher falls to his knees, just a couple meters away from the apparition.]
[the apparition turns and kneels, leaning down to bonecrusher and brushing its fingers across his chin. it smiles, seeing bonecrusher alive. it mouths; 'i love you, bonecrusher. will you promise to visit me in the afterlife?' bonecrusher could've sworn that he heard her words, clear as day.]
BC, his voicebox failing him: [lips quivering into a shaky smile and body quaking, he responds:] for as long as you need,,, please,,, please, don't leave me so soon,,,
[the apparition mouths; 'i'm sorry, my dear. they say i have some paperwork to fill out. goodbye for now.' it kisses his head, and slowly fades away.]
BC: [his tears fight to keep her visible.] p- pleas,,,e,,, rocketjumper,,, [he collapses to the ground, a mess in grief.]
[footmuncher lands on his feet, kneeling next to bonecrusher and laying a hand on his quaking body.]
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[they sit there for a while. as long as bonecrusher needs.]