#footmuncher

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

[bonecrusher's vibing in his room.]

FM, appearing out of nowhere: HELLO!!

BC: wHGAUGH- [flops out of the bed]

FM: [snickering]

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

{would you believe me if i said this post was rotting in my drafts?}

[there's a hunchback laying on the table, whistling to himself.]

[a certain fellow comes to join him.]

BB: bonecrusher. hey. wanted to talk to you.

[bonecrusher directs his attention to bunkerbuster, a mild blush appearing on his face.]

BC: bro why are you not wearing your chestplate

BB: patch's washing it. since we're husbands now. i. uhm. wanted to make it official. that, and i noticed you and rockie don't wear rings. or you and munchie. so.

[bonecrusher's eyebrow raises.]

BB: [he presents a couple of small crates, opening them to reveal some custom rings.] a pair for you and rockie, a pair for you and munchie, 'n'... a pair for you 'n' me. [he also presents a bashful smile.]

BC, his soul touched: bro... [he reaches forward, letting bunkerbuster slip three of the rings onto his claws.]

[bonecrusher admires the rings on his fingers.]

BB: your thoughts?

[bonecrusher gets off of the table and hugs bunkerbuster tight, giggling into his chest.]

BB: ...glad you like 'em. [he slips on his ring, proud of himself.]

BC: i have to show these to rockie and munchie oh my god,,,

[bonecrusher slips out of bunkerbuster's arms and rolls into his room with a load of vigor.]

[bunkerbuster giggles, and takes himself a seat on the kitchen island.]

[he kicks his feel while he waits.]

...

[and his wait only takes five minutes.]

[bonecrusher returns, stars in his eyes as he pulls along rocketjumper and footmuncher out of his room. he's giggling like an engine that won't start.]

RJ: so, boney says you've made some neat wedding ringssss... i didn't know it was titties out tuesday.

BB: [a soft giggle.] had to put my carapace in the wash, sorry. yeah, i made some neat little rings to make the weird little love web official. well, almost official! [he presents rocketjumper's ring to her.]

RJ: ooh. oooohh. [she chuckles softly as she gazes at the ring in its box. stunningly seductive and a shimmering emerald green gem, reinforced for war and bloodshed.] oh my god... bunkie!! this is so nice!!! [she plants a sloppy and loving kiss onto bunkerbuster's lips, pulling away to slip the ring onto her right ring finger. she giggles as she watches it shine on her finger, loving the ring.]

FM: [footmuncher giggles at rocketjumper's reaction.] how silly... how nice.

[bonecrusher only watches as his wife enjoys her new ring. he wanders next to footmuncher, placing a claw onto his butt.]

BC: how lovely. eh, munchie?

FM: [footmuncher leans onto bonecrusher, kissing his cheek.]

BB: so! footmuncher. would you like to see your ring as well?

FM: hell yeah, homie. [he hops up as bunkerbuster presents footmuncher's ring to him. a glazed marble stone, reflecting rose and violet, with a hint of lavender. its reinforcement is not as tough as rocketjumper's ring's reinforcements, yet it is still strong. strong enough to strive and thrive throughout life.]

BB: [he watches on as footmuncher equips the ring.] so... your thoughts?

FM: [footmuncher moves past bunkerbuster's outstretched arm, wrapping his own around BB's waist and giving him a romantic and thankful kiss, right on the lips.]

[bonecrusher smiles quietly as he watches on, now being picked up by his wife.]

[bunkerbuster holds footmuncher close and returns his kiss with a welcoming hug around his back.]

RJ: ...wow. wasn't expecting the romance today.

BC: really? the day where we got our rings, you didn't expect the romance?

RJ: nah. expected more lust. [she chuckles after her quip.]

[bonecrusher kisses rocketjumper's cheek.]

RJ: well... what do we do now?

BC: i'ouno. i'm gonna stare at these rings.

[rocketjumper mumbles something only bonecrusher can hear as she turns to head into his room. they have a good ol' fashioned conversation inside.]

[yes the helicopter and the tank are still kissing. what can they say, they like the tastes of eachother's mouths]

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

[surprise.]

[bonecrusher and footmuncher are laying down on the couch, one delirious from post-repairs drugs, the other delirious from just waking up and trying to go back to sleep. in that order, yes.]

[they've been laying there for about an hour now.]

[...some brain cells rub together in footmuncher's head.]

FM: ...boney?

BC: ?

FM: didn't you say your older brother's coming over?

BC: ...mmm. why.

FM: i'unno if he's gonna be comfy in here.

BC: mmngh. [incomprehensible].

FM: you sure?

BC: [also incomprehensible].

FM: fair. you know him best, i trust your judgement.

BC: [more incomprehensibility].

FM: shit, really? i wanted to go back to sleep.

BC: [he shrugs, the gesture followed by further incomprehensibility.]

FM: ...alright.

[the two continue to lay on the couch in silence. cuddling a little bit and waiting for bonecrusher's brother to come on down.]

-

[...eventually, he arrives. a knock on the bunker door wakes the two couch potatoes up from their brief naps.]

FM: ...guess that's him. i'm gonna go answer the door.

BC: h.. no, it's fine. i got i- [severe pain shoots through all of bonecrusher's chassis, leading him to collapse back down onto the couch as he attempts to get up.]

FM: it's okay, boney. let me handle it this time, eh? get some more rest. you'll be fine.

BC: ...k.

[without wasting any more time, footmuncher goes to open the bunker door.]

[gravedigger finishes chugging a cube of regular energon, tossing it into a large storage crate fitted to be a rolling suitcase, and greeting footmuncher.]

GD: well, hell-o. aren't you a stunning chunka steel alloy.

FM: hi, yourself. bonecrusher's brother, i assume?

GD: eyup. name's gravedigger, wanted to pop in to see how the lil bro's doin'. life updates 'n' all that.

FM: cool. come on in, it's freezing cold outside and i bet you're already starting to crust over.

[gravedigger nods and grabs his suitcase, walking in as footmuncher closes the bunker door behind him. he places the suitcase on the kitchen counter, making himself at home as he tosses the emptied energon cube into the sink.]

FM: anything else in there, if you mind me asking?

GD: nah, not much. just a bunch of high-tech equipment. [he takes out an experimental weapon blueprint, handing it to footmuncher.] have a look at this. took a couple nights to develop the idea and i wanted to get some peer reviews down.

[footmuncher examines the weapon blueprint. it's for a medium-sized shoulder-mounted mini rocket pod system, connected to a large ammunitions pack system, seemingly fitted to attach to one's back and around the thighs. reminds him of a minigun.]

FM: what is this, a minigun for self-propelled rockets?

GD: that's the idea. i didn't build it with efficiency in mind, just wanted to have some fun. what do you think?

FM: hmm. pretty neat. i wonder if the other guys would like it.

GD: ooh, other guys? how many are there in here?

FM: bunch'a 'em. there's a couple tanks, a couple MLRS vehicles, some aeroplanes, a couple trucks. one of the MLRSs is a huge truck, and the other is a tank. there's even a dump truck in here.

GD: [he nods, intrigued.] and where's the bro?

FM: on the couch.

[bonecrusher waves his hand.]

BC: hey guts

GD: hey, bones malone. been a while. [he hobbles over to the couch, looking over and peering at his brother.] yeesh, you've been in better shape. how's it hummin'?

BC: not well. had to get another repair this week. i feel like patchie's starting to get tired of it.

GD: mmm. wanna cuddle your big bro for a bit?

BC: mhm

[gravedigger picks bonecrusher up off of the couch.]

GD: how's about a quick tour around the base?

FM: sure. come on over, have a look through some doors.

[gravediggers does so.]

[first door: patchwork's office. unfortunately, patchwork's neglected to remember that bonecrusher's bro was coming over today, and decided to take a ride on his favorite dildo. he looks up at his office door, does a double take, and whips his lab coat on.]

PW: [ahem-] apologies! i forgot you were coming over! hi!

GD: hey. your dick's glowing through your coat.

[patchwork looks down at the coat. sure enough, his dick is glowing through. he's embarrassed enough as it is.]

GD: we can talk after you're done. sorry for intrudin', doc.

[footmuncher closes the door, leaving patchwork to finish up while glowing rainbow and blue.]

[next door: bonecrusher's room, with a couple of drunks on the bed.]

[gravedigger leans in, looking around. couple of closets, couple of bedside tables. massive woman sleepin' on the bed. bulldozer dude next to massive woman chuggin' a cube. groundrumbler finishes the swig and looks over to the door.]

GR: howdy.

GD: nice to meet ya. i'ouno if you know me or not, but just incase ya don't, name's gravedigger. i'm bonecrusher's big brother.

GR: mm. groundrumbler, resident drunk... well, i drink the most, at least.

GD: who's the big lady?

GR: her name's rocketjumper. boney's married to her and they're both extremely horny for eachother. i ain't the same.

GD: built like a tank and fucks like one too, i imagine?

GR: what else would you expect? [chuckle]

GD: not much, really. haven't met a bot i can't fuck to a grey state yet, i'm sure she might be the one to put me in my own. er- if he's okay with that.

GR: they're polyamorous, don't worry about it.

GD: oh, nice. ...haven't heard that term before, though?

GR: neither of them really give a shit about who the other fucks, but they both have restrictions for the other. boney doesn't want rocketjumper fucking any Primes, and rockie doesn't want bonecrusher fucking any spiderformers.

GD: any reasons you're okay sharing?

GR: bonecrusher hates optimus prime - one of them. - and rockie's got a really personal reason about it. i think she might pummel me if i tell you.

GD: fair enough. here. [he places bonecrusher down on the bed.] take care of bonecrusher for a bit. gonna go continue my tour.

GR: a'ight. enjoy the tour.

GD: thanks. have a nice night, groundrumbler.

GR: you too.

[gravedigger leaves his brother with groundrumbler and rocketjumper, continuing to follow footmuncher throughout the base.]

GD: right. tour guide, where to next?

FM: hmm... how'zabout a quick pit stop over to my room? it's... well, not in the best shape ever, but it's still presentable, i think.

GD: we'll see. right down here?

FM: yep. [he opens the door to his bedroom.] have a peek.

[gravedigger does as asked. inside is, surprisingly enough, a room. one that looks like a metaphorical clothing bomb went off in there.. and reeks of unholy smells.]

GD: [due to how gravedigger's 'nose' systems work, he can only barely smell the foul stench.] ...what the hell is that smell?

FM: that... would be cum stains.

GD: cum stains.

FM: ...yeh.

[gravedigger blinks once at footmuncher, taking a moment to think about what he's gonna say next.]

GD: ...i knew bonecrusher told me he lived with some weird bots, but i didn't expect 'doesn't clean cum stains out of their room'-level weird.

FM: [short giggle.] yeah... sorry. it's been a while since i've actually slept in here. hey, off-topic question, who are your progenitors?

GD, catching FM offguard: ancient graves in the sea of rust.

FM: [blink] i... see. i'm sorry to hear that.

GD: nah, don't be. as long as i and bonecrusher function, as far as i care, they still function in spirit. been a while since i visited... i feel mean.

FM: well, better late than never! always nice to check in on your progenitors, whenever you can.

GD: mm. anyway, about the cum stains... how often?

FM: it's... mostly an 'on again, off again' sort of deal. sometimes, i'm absolutely rowdy, and other times i can't be bothered. why do you ask?

GD: just getting information on the dudes my bro lives with. seeing if you're trustworthy. y'know, older brother type shit.

FM: yeah. yeah, understandable, alright. any other rooms you wanna see?

GD: do you guys have a spare room?

FM: i think so! we keep a couple alternate universe bonecrushers in there.

GD: ...[blink.] real?

FM: totally!

GD: can i see?

FM: absolutely!

[footmuncher leads gravedigger by the hand down to the spare room, almost sprinting down the hallway in doing so.]

[he quietly opens the door. there's a large robot in the middle of the room, with a robot leaning against the near wall wearing a crown, and another, extremely rusty robot leaning against the crown-wearing bot.]

[gravedigger's attention is being tossed between the massive bot in the middle of the room and the two by the near wall.]

FM: sooo, whaddaya think?

GD: ...huh. cool!

FM: hell yeah. anywho, you wanna come see airstrike?

GD: m'alright.

[poppin' over to bonecrusher.]

BC: ...

GR: so, how's the recovery coming along?

BC: i do not feel good.

GR: yeah, stitches will do that to ya. i'm sure you'll be fine eventually. just take some time to rest. don't drink too much energon. the usual.

BC: mhm

GR: do ya want me to stick around?

BC: mhm

[groundrumbler takes a seat on the bed, resting next to bonecrusher.]

[bonecrusher wraps his arms around groundrumbler and pulls him closer, nestling his neck onto groundrumbler's shoulder.]

GR: ah. clever. [he chuckles, hugging bonecrusher in return.] you gonna conk out soon, 'crusher?

BC: m

GR: understandable. i'll be here when you wake up. [he pats his hunchback.] enjoy your nap.

BC: mm

[bonecrusher falls unconscious, snoozing in groundrumbler's arms.]

[now back to his brother.]

[gravedigger is sitting on the couch with footmuncher, chilling out with him. they both seem pretty tired.]

FM: ...so how did you like the tour?

GD: that shit went hard. not the best tour ever, but i had a nice view the entire time, so it's fine.

FM: [he emits a slight chuckle.] why, thank you. d'ya wanna have a nap?

GD: fuck yeah, dude.

[footmuncher pulls gravedigger down with him and cuddles with him on the couch.]

[gravedigger wraps his arms around footmuncher's waist, softly holding him close. footmuncher reciprocates.]

[overall, a pretty good night, eh?]

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

GR: yo i'm going out for lunch d'ya'll want anything

BC: The souls of the innocent.

FM: a bagel

BC: NO

FM: two bagels

RJ, down seasonally depressed: a will to live

GR: all i got is 20 bucks c'mon

FM: three bagels

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

Pain in the Alps

(wahey, another au post! more bonejumper! it's noncanon, an- wait why is pain in the titl-)

[ah, yes. the alps. buncha mountains off in the east. they're pretty scenic. today, however and for whatever reason, they're pretty foggy. not an issue to bonecrusher nor rocketjumper, whom happen to be taking a stroll through the pennine alps. enjoying themselves, one would imagine.]

[bonecrusher is hopping around, occasionally tripping himself up due to getting his toes stuck in cracks in the ground.]

RJ: so! any fun plans for the future?

BC, getting onto his feet once again: none that are coming to mind, no. why, when's our anniversary?

RJ: ahh... some time in... february? that makes sense.

BC: no, that's when you first got to the base. didn't we marry after you gave honey that spark attack?

RJ: ...oh yeah. still don't feel too good about doing that to him.

BC: cake's forgiven you for it, don't worry. been a while since, actually.

RJ: i don't feel like i deserve it, though, you know? i killed her conjunx. if anything i should've been dead ever since she first heard about it, but... she... just hasn't. no bad blood between us two. i don't get it.

BC: well, life is full of surprises. a box of chocolates, i guess.

RJ: do humans really say that? life is like a box of chocolates?

BC: yeah. you never know what you're gonna get.

RJ: hah. that's... mmm... yeah, alright, i guess that makes sense.

BC: yo, hey, that day at the tiny outpost reminded me of a question i wanted to ask you for a long time. rockie, what's your biggest kink?

RJ: as if you don't already know!

BC: no, genuinely! what's your biggest kink? i wanna know.

RJ: ...well, having a cock is pretty up there. then there's the whole 'being more than one person's wife' thing, that's hot. filling people with cum... yum... well, i'd have to say my biggest kink is you. final answer.

BC: wh... me? i-

RJ: [she picks bonecrusher up by his lovehandles.] yes, you. i love you more than anyone else would bother, bonecrusher. c'mon.

BC: what about munchie and bunkbed though?

RJ: okay, fair point. those dudes are pretty down bad for you. my point still stands. [she kisses bonecrusher's forehead.]

BC: d'aww. okie. i love you too. [smooch.]

[rocketjumper carries bonecrusher bridal style down the path, blabbering on about whatever pops into mind.]

.

...

.

RJ: ...and then, it just... clicks. i suddenly realize how much trouble i'm in, i hide the evidence, i run for the hills. but i did remember to execute him!

BC: good for you for remembering to kill him. he seemed like a major dick.

RJ: god, he was! any time i'd try to talk some sense into him, he'd fire back with some annoying excuse...

.

...

.

BC: ...strawberry energon though? solid A+. that shit tastes like a labor of love and i won't have it any other way. you agree right?

RJ: unanimously.

BC: nice! and uh... shit, what's that other green one? spearmint? electric dream?

RJ: i think it was... chewy lime?

BC: huh...

.

...

.

[rocketjumper hops over a crack in the ground.]

RJ: what was i saying? oh yeah. he said his dick was like 4 feet long.

BC: and how long was it actually?

RJ: barely one. had a good laugh about it, but the poor dude looked like he was hurt by it. which makes sense. some people think dick size is everything, but it... well, sort of isn't? like, the smaller ones are fine, but i prefer the bigger ones... mainly you.

BC: mmm.

RJ: so then i milked him for about 3 earth days. his cum tasted like apple juice. kinda weird.

.

...

.

BC: okay, what next?

RJ: final event on the list? just us, hanging out on pluto. it's the perfect vacation spot: no humans for miles, unexplored terrain, the massive heart that pluto has. if we forget to bring condoms, we can even troll the humans with the semen if it doesn't dry up before they explore pluto for themselves.

BC: ooh! oooh! we can put up little structures too to troll them further! like little alien totem poles and faces on the surface! it'd be such a good prank!!

RJ: god, it would, wouldn't it? buncha idiots'll think it was little green people that made them. how i envy them sometimes. they don't have to ask the us government for materials to build our own sex toys, but we do.

BC: ...well, while that is embarrassing, they haven't said no yet.

RJ: yeah. they haven't said n- [she steps into a bear trap.] -yEEIAIGHHGAHFFUCK!!! [rocketjumper hops around on one foot, and trips into a nearby rock.]

[bonecrusher flops onto the ground, immediately hopping to his feet.]

BC: shit, babe, are you alright?!

RJ: WHO PUTS FUCKING BEAR TRAPS IN THE ALPS?!?!

BC: aw, god... uhm. ooh. patchwork'll know what to do! [he attempts to use the radio, only to get some unbearable white noise in his ear instead.] FFFHHRGHRRRGHHH---- nevermind... uhm... [he takes a closer look at the bear trap, trying to figure out how to get it off safely, when he notices an autobot symbol on one of the teeth that didn't make it into rockie's ankle.] ...the autobots.

RJ: ,,,Y- [deep breath.] you... don't think it was an ambush, do you?

BC: seems too coincidental to not be an ambush. try your best not to bleed out, i'll make sure no one's able to hurt you while you're down.

RJ: god, i can fend for myself, you know! just... the bear trap was unexpected. [she stumbles back onto her feet, leaning on a rock wall.]

BC: ...well, what's a partner for? gotta look out for yer other, y'know. not trying to say you can't fend for yourself, and certainly not trying to be rude. hey, did you...

RJ: ...get the arm cannons working? [her forearms transform into a couple of heavy duty path blasters, similar to those from TF:FoC.] patchwork helped me get those goddamn archaic systems functioning. the armblades are compatible as well! just... wanna stay vigilant. (<-- this is canon. rocketjumper having her heavy duty path blasters is canon i'm just writing this story for angst)

[a metaphorical lightbulb lights up.]

RJ: what was with the growling earlier?

BC: ah... comms aren't working. either nebula can't get over here, or there's an emp system somewhere. anyhow, i can't and don't want to try again. you know how it is.

RJ: ...yeah. yeah, i get it. alright, you don't mind being a living crutch, right, boney?

BC: for you? not at all. [he gets his mining claw under rockie's beartrapped leg, helping her stumble along the path.] i'll make sure to swipe at any more traps i can reach. you gotta blast the ones i can't.

RJ: not a problem. [she gains a forearm back, extending that arm's armblade.] lead the way.

[and so, the two slowly but surely made their way down the path, taking note to destroy anything vaguely autobot in nature. three watchtowers, countless bear traps and EMP stations, and a couple of abandoned structures were destroyed over time.]

--

--

--

[aeroplane wheels touch down at the end of the path.]

[patchwork hops out of marrowbomber's cargo bay, and fortslammer slides off of the top of marrowbomber's fuselage.]

FS, landing on his feet: what's the sitrep, doc?

PW: bonecrusher and rocketjumper are slated to meet here at the end of their walk, but their comms are jammed and they haven't arrived yet. screen for traps and two decepticons. i'll be right behind you.

FS: affirmative. [fortslammer transforms into his king tiger alt form, and begins his trek... logically, faster than a king tiger should. they were pretty shitty back in the day. guess 'slammer got his upgrades off the black market. i -- the narrator -- don't blame him.]

[patchwork runs and hops onto fortslammer's turret, perching like a gargoyle and keeping both eyes open for hostiles.]

...

...

...

[bonecrusher and rocketjumper have been captured by a group of heavily-armed autobots. the commander (hereby described as Kommander) whom looks oddly... distasteful... is eyeing down his quarry.]

Kommander: I was not expecting two of them. Quite impressive.

Soldier 3: Oh, my bear trap! I was wondering where that went. [He rips it off of Rocketjumper's ankle, causing extra damage.] Thanks!

RJ: [barely conscious]

Soldier 7: Primus... she's so heavy...

Soldier 2: I can take your place for you, if-

[The Kommander executes Soldier 2.]

Kommander: Do not give up. It shows weakness.

Soldier 7: ...O-okay.

Kommander: ...where was I? Ah, yes. The Claw of Megatron and his conjunx.

Soldier 3: What should we do with them, commander?

Soldier 5: We could harvest them for information!

Kommander: They're too stupid to hide any of their information; that would be time wasted in our fight against the Decepticons.

Soldier 6: They'd be good for punching bags!

Kommander: What's wrong with the ones I've already given you? Are you perhaps... spoiled?

Soldier 6: ...N-no...

Kommander: Sure you're not.

Soldier 1: Oooh! Ooh! I have an idea! We should execute the Claw first and watch his conjunx squirm!!

Kommander: OH. I like your style, little bot. [He sticks a little pin onto Soldier 1's chassis.]

Soldier 6: Do you think he'd have any last words?

Soldier 7: Maybe. Wake him up.

[Soldier 5 delivers a knee into Bonecrusher's right side.]

BC: [he coughs back to life, looking around at the feet of the autobots. two big feet stomp in front of him, aiming a FoC-esque Riot Cannon at his dome. he looks up, into the barrel of the cannon.] ...what.

Kommander: Any last words?

BC: life is fleeting. wish i coulda eaten ya, y'nazi fuck.

Kommander: Thank you. [He executes Bonecrusher without a second thought. That makes twice that Bonecrusher's died now.] (it doesn't.) Three, move behind the big one and prepare for execution.

Soldier 3: Didn't Optimus say he wanted to use her as a fleshlight?

Kommander: [He leans into Soldier 3.] We do not speak to 2007 Optimus Prime, and we do not take orders from him. Execute the big one.

Soldier 3: Uh- Sir yes sir. [Mildly excited, he wanders behind Rocketjumper, forming a Path Blaster and aiming at her head.]

Kommander: I swear to Primus, if you miss... Alright. One. Wake her.

[Soldier 1 shakes Rocketjumper's head.]

RJ: [she falls into consciousness.] whue... huh? [her eyes lock onto bonecrusher's scarred, oddly void chest cavity. she's speechless, tears running down her face.]

[The Kommander smiles behind his battle mask.]

Kommander, discreetly: [whispering to Seven and Four, the ones holding Rocketjumper:] Drop her. Let her hold him.

[rocketjumper is released by the autobots, crawling over to bonecrusher's gun metal grey corpse. her sobbing slowly grows louder and more desperate.]

Kommander: [whispering to Three:] Any time you want. Don't take too long.

[Soldier 3 sneaks up to Rocketjumper's side.]

RJ: …ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵇᵉ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᶦⁿᵍ,,, ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵇᵉ ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᶦⁿᵍ,,, NOOO-

[Soldier 3 executes Rocketjumper after getting his ocular systems damaged from her scream.]

Kommander: COME ON! She could've screamed his name, you useless-! Agh. Whatever. Now,---

[BANG. The Kommander's upper chassis is ripped asunder and ceases to exist.]

[The Soldiers react accordingly, firing into the fog.]

[Soldier 7 falls next. After him, comes 5, 1, 3 and 6.]

Soldier 4: ...ah, Primus...

[fortslammer transforms, running up to Four and strangling him.]

FS: you little fucking monster! how fucking dare you!! executing unarmed decepticons on their fucking vacation! you disgust me!!

Soldier 4: p-- ,,,,Please,,,, c-Come on, I wasn'-

[Soldier 4's head pops off, flying off into the distance.]

PW: ...wh... [he walks up to rocketjumper's body.] ...no... how... what??? they shouldn't have died this easily... was their plot armor turned off or something?? i- ...[hic]... god... [he wipes his face.] i never got to clone her consciousness...

FS: ...? what do you mean?

PW: i... i have bonecrusher's backed up. state of the art technology, i can make him a new head, but... rocketjumper... FUCK!

FS: how do you think he'll react?

PW: 'how do you'--?? FORTSLAMMER.

FS: hey now. i never saw them in the same room together, doc, how should i know?

PW: you disrespectful piece of shit! [he slaps fortslammer.] you're lucky bunkerbuster would have my hide if i killed you.

FS, rubbing his face: ...sorry.

PW: ...[sigh]. alright. let's... bring them back.

[fortslammer picks up rocketjumper as if she were a queen-sized mattress, and patchwork hauls bonecrusher by his arms. they both make their way back to marrowbomber.]

-

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7 days later:

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-

[bonecrusher sits at the kitchen island with a barbed wire energon cube.]

[footmuncher pops by.]

BC: ...

FM: [he takes a seat with bonecrusher.] hey. i... heard what happened. how are you holding up?

BC: ...i'm not.

FM: poor guy. [he kisses bonecrusher's cheek, hugging him.] if you need any help, let m-

BC: could you haul me over to the alps?

FM: ...

BC: please. they forgot her hat.

FM: alright. when do y-

[bonecrusher gets out of the chair, wandering to the bunker door and ripping it upwards. footmuncher follows him outside. bonecrusher transforms, and footmuncher joins him. they get all hooked up, and footmuncher takes bonecrusher over to the alps.]

FM: nebula.

N: nebula to footmuncher, report.

FM: orbital assistance required. follow me over to the alps.

N: you got it.

-

.

-

[footmuncher drops bonecrusher off, gaining altitude. for some reason, it's raining today and still as foggy as ever.]

FM: let me know if you find her hat.

[bonecrusher races down the trail, desperately scanning the ground for rocketjumper's hat using his mine claw.]

[footmuncher follows from long range, and nebula watches from orbit.]

N: ehh... spotted. square hat, military style. one klick north.

[bonecrusher packs his claw up, pedal to the metal, counting the meters as he goes.]

[eventually, he finds her hat. bonecrusher transforms, ripping it off of the ground and staring at it. a tiny sliver of it was shot off by her executioner. he looks up, off into the distance.]

BC: ...

FM: ...do you need a lift home?

[bonecrusher can't respond.]

N: nebula to bonecrusher, what're you observing? a titan?

BC: [barely audible:] you could say that.

[bonecrusher stares down his lover's ghost, just up ahead, visible through the rain. he tears up, slowly approaching the apparition.]

FM: ...is he going to be okay?

N: oh, totally. just keep quiet. he needs a moment.

[bonecrusher falls to his knees, just a couple meters away from the apparition.]

[the apparition turns and kneels, leaning down to bonecrusher and brushing its fingers across his chin. it smiles, seeing bonecrusher alive. it mouths; 'i love you, bonecrusher. will you promise to visit me in the afterlife?' bonecrusher could've sworn that he heard her words, clear as day.]

BC, his voicebox failing him: [lips quivering into a shaky smile and body quaking, he responds:] for as long as you need,,, please,,, please, don't leave me so soon,,,

[the apparition mouths; 'i'm sorry, my dear. they say i have some paperwork to fill out. goodbye for now.' it kisses his head, and slowly fades away.]

BC: [his tears fight to keep her visible.] p- pleas,,,e,,, rocketjumper,,, [he collapses to the ground, a mess in grief.]

[footmuncher lands on his feet, kneeling next to bonecrusher and laying a hand on his quaking body.]

...

[they sit there for a while. as long as bonecrusher needs.]

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

FM: so which optimi don't you hate?

BC: it's easier to ask which ones i do hate.

FM: ...okay, which ones do you hate?

BC: MV1 and MV2 prime. every other prime is awesome.

FM: that's nice. :)

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

GR: great googly moogly, what in the name of fuck is going on in here?

FM: we're committing war crimes!

AS: we're combining combustible materials from human and cybertronian cultures.

PW: we're committing war crimes.

GR: and y'haven't bothered to call me?

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

[bonecrusher and footmuncher are chilling in the kitchen, playing catch with an empty cube and (the rear end of a long session of) conversing about various rapidly switching topics. you know, more of the usual.]

FM: pretty cool, i think.

BC: oh fuck yeah. i mean, i may hate the prick, but that forest scene was pretty sick to watch.

FM: speaking of pretty sick to watch, where's uhh... where's rockie? did you two break up?

BC: scientifically impossible! not even death will do us part. love her too much. she uhh, ...went for some important meeting. i think she mentioned a couple of primuses and optimi being there. hope she's doing well.

FM: primuses... that sounds terrifying! wonder if one of them is the one that granted me the legs?

BC: [giggle]. probably. you think she's gonna need some ener-

[the bunker door crashes open. an exhausted rocketjumper takes a seat next to footmuncher, reaching up for a cube of barbed wire energon from the cupboard.]

BC: ...bad meeting?

RJ: mmnn,,,, jus' exhaus'in. heyuh, fudgethighs.

FM: hiya, mountain mamma. i suppose you're too drained for funny business?

RJ: y'cuh sey that. e'rrything's all... ssspinny.

BC: non-canon fun fact, i imagine.

RJ: ecshent deduccshen, shihloch.

BC: and i also imagine you'd like to be carried to bed?

RJ: ssshhtop beignn s,,,, so smart,.,, [slurry giggle.]

FM: hmm! who gets the legs?

BC: are you able to carry 100-200 tons of robot on your own?

FM: ehm. i could try.

BC: you get the legs.

[rockie leans forward a bit, allowing bonecrusher to wrap his arms around her. footmuncher wraps his own arms around rockie's ankles, and on a one two three up-she-goes, the boys fireman carry a ragdolled russian worth at least three regular-sizeds into bonecrusher's room.]

[rocketjumper gets plopped onto the bed, and the boys can't help but have a great ol' stare at her.]

FM: ...i can never get over just how cool she looks. like, i cannot put it into words... wowie.

BC: [a yearning stare.]... alright, let's let her sleep.

[and so they did. back to playing catch with a cube and conversing about nothing in particular. fun!]