#fourthyearproblems

[hereunderthe75stars]

To be honest, I'm still terrified and have no idea what I'm doing or where just over a month from now.

[hereunderthe75stars]

I am at an impasse

I don't know what the heck I'm doing after graduation. Part of me wants to stay here and work on the friendships I have made here and part of me tells me to run as fast as I can and go live up North with books and nature and a clean slate. Another part of me wants to get my act together and move to the city and be a Truly Inspirational Person (TM) and 100% of me just wants to be happy and make other people happy without throwing myself on the rails every time to do so. 

[hereunderthe75stars]

Still trying to find that right combination of traits before I feel worthy of note.

[hereunderthe75stars]

I was once told the metaphor that in order to help other people on a crashing plane you need to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others with theirs. 

But what do you do do when yours gets knocked off and everyone else is scrambling for their's as well? 

[hereunderthe75stars]

I look completely used up in my grad pics, but you know what? I'm graduating on time and my demons didn't do me in, so suck it. 

[hereunderthe75stars]

Strike Journal Day 3

Things done today:

-got up early (ish) to work at the student cafe 

-read Jane Eyre (almost caught up)

-met with my boss about work procedures during the strike

-hung out with cuddlesftw and we made a sexuality triangle poster :)

-inexplicably felt under the weather so went home to more Jane Eyre 

-ate supper and felt a bit more like a human being

-was told that UNBC rejected my transcript but to send it again 

-watched Reichenbach Fall with someone who had never seen it (always entertaining) and twice-there-was-a-bear

-caught up with my roommates whom I have seen surprisingly little for students who are not currently in school

Thoughts on the strike:

Starting to feel a bit better. Beginning to hunker down and get work done a la Reading Week. Hoping things clear up soon and life isn't too chaotic once it does. 

[hereunderthe75stars]

Grad school applications are hard. Telling people my dreams and aspirations for my future are even harder than having them in the first place. I can't even imagine what responses will feel like, positive or negative. 

[hereunderthe75stars]

I can't even

So today I immediately went from getting an essay proposal back where the professor told me that he had to reject it based on grounds that he thought no one would be stupid enough for him to have to explain but HEY, look at YOU to a meeting with one of my psychology professors where she systematically laid out all of the (completely unchangeable and out of my control) reasons that I am not going to get into grad school. Afterwards I had ten minutes to lose and regain composure before tutoring for two hours and now I am invigilating midterms at the centre for students with learning disorders that I work at. I kept it together fine during tutoring, and when I talked to the head of the centre about my day she got very angry at my professor and proceeded to tell me how to handle it. 

Basically I need to keep on doing what I'm doing and take what I can from the negative feedback and use the rest as fuel to keep on going and remember that I am amazing. She then proceeded to tell me that I am amazing and her husband works with youth at risk and how I am one phone call away from getting a tour of their facilities. I'm not doing her justice, but now I just want to cry harder out of her kindness. 

...but I can't, because I have a costume to start/finish for tomorrow and midterms to invigilate and people to tutor.