An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapter 9: The change within
Working so closely with Kakashi, you begin to notice a slow, but gradual change in him.
~ X ~
After a direction for the campaign was set and a slogan was now found which could be used as a foundation to go forward with other procedures, you found yourself more and more entrenched in the work. And now, with Kakashi fully on board, work was easier. Easier because, well, he obviously didn’t have the time to bully you any longer. The apologies also helped, of course. That reassurance was all you needed to go all in with your work, even if it meant to work longer than everybody else or harder than anybody else on the team. Even though your job was not much more than collecting data and evaluating said data, you also found yourself doing more than that; taking part in the creative process. Work you had to cast aside in the previous firm you worked at, knowing you would indulge too much, but it was needed right here and now.
And not only that was needed of you.
“When will this be done? Do you have a timeline on this?”
You were only half-aware of Kakashi inquiring about something from Iruka. Your mind was in too deep with the next set of slideshows to present to the committee of Akatsuki next week. Painstakingly dragging one slide in Photoshop into a corner, making sure it was perfectly aligned, then adding and erasing the same effect a moment later. It didn’t add anything to the presentation, just unnecessary flourish which didn’t make any sense. In the larger scheme, of course.
“I just wanted to know-!”
“All the details you need are in the mail I sent you.”
A low sigh escaped you. This presentation was crucial, it needed to be finished by the end of the week, and half of the stuff in the presentation wasn’t even ready to be shown yet, thanks to the late start. It all had to be finished this week, and everyone tasked to handle the Akatsuki marketing campaign was working their asses off. Still, Kakashi and you were usually the last ones to leave the office. Absent-mindedly, you went through the motions of creating another slide for the presentation, before a sharp and louder than usual voice made you look up from your screen.
To your surprise, Iruka stood up from his chair in front of Minato’s office to face off with Kakashi. The smaller, yet broader man snarled up into Kakashi’s face, the tanned skin of his face blushing from frustration and anger; two emotions you were all too familiar with when it came to dealing with the prick of a guy.
“What is your problem?” Iruka reached up to tighten his high ponytail with a sharp gesture. “You have all the information you need in the email-!”
Kakashi interjected, his tone cold and just as sharp as Iruka’s gesture had been. “I’m not sure if you understand. I said that the deadline isn’t in the mail, I checked twice.”
“The deadline is in the mail, right in the second paragraph!”
“It’s. Not. In. There. How many times do I have to repeat myself, Umino?”
Both of your eyebrows shot up. What the hell was going on? Sure, Kakashi was an asshole sometimes, but you still had never seen him raise his voice like this. Especially not to someone like Iruka. Sweet, gentle Iruka, who was always friendly and ready to help out in the full capacity of his capability. Which was extensive: despite being the same age as you, his parents apparently had built an extensive network and introduced Iruka to the world of marketing the day he was born. If Iruka didn’t know someone, they weren’t important, simple as that. Plus, he had worked as a teacher before. His scoldings were truly one of a kind. No one, in this entire firm, was willing to anger him, besides Anko. And Anko didn’t truly count, she was insane anyway.
Your hands continued to half-heartedly move the mouse and ghost over the keyboard, pretending to work, while your ears fixated more and more on the sharp conversation just a few desks over.
“It’s right there! Check your eyes, Hatake.”
“Checked two times. There is nothing!”
“And I checked three times that the most important info you needed is in the mail!”
“Well, it isn’t. Just send me the info when you fucking have it.”
“You have all the info you need!” Just in time, you turned your head the tiniest bit to see how Iruka stormed around his desk to check the mail in question personally. Everyone close by seemed to hold their breaths in the next moments, only disturbed by the furious clicks of his mouse. Then, a triumphant snort, and Iruka jerked upright, glaring at Kakashi. “Check it yourself. And maybe get your eyes checked as well, while you’re at it.”
Iruka pointed at his screen. Kakashi clicked his tongue, but followed suit and walked around the desk to check the other man’s screen. A few seconds passed, then Kakashi, without another word, turned and walked away.
“You’re welcome!” Iruka called after him, only to shake his head. “What a fucking prick…”
What the fuck just happened? You surely weren’t the only one left flabbergasted at what just happened right in front of the entire office, right? With Kakashi being blatantly wrong and not coming out on top somehow. Even though you weren’t a fan of his anymore, you at least could see that this wasn’t his usual behavior. So far, you experienced him as sometimes mean-spirited or socially inclined, maybe cold and nonchalant, but never openly heated. This fight was strange and not typical for the man.
~ X ~
“I noticed your little altercation with Iruka today.”
“Mhm.” Kakashi only hummed, refusing to elaborate further. Understandably so. Deep into the evening, with the open office once again empty, you had felt secure enough to start a conversation with him.
“What was that one about?” You leaned over the desk, arms crossed and eyes transfixed on the man, who was trying to busy himself with typing up a fitting proposal for the upcoming presentation. “Something about a deadline?”
“Yeah”, he sighed. For another long moment, he stayed silent, eyes glaring at the screen like he would find the answer to your question there, but then his look cleared. His fingers quickly flew over the keyboard once more, like they had never stopped in the first place. “I ordered some print materials for the presentation next week. Didn’t get any info so far if they were able to finish them on time or not, so I tried to get an inquiry on the timeline.”
“And…?”
Suddenly, Kakashi pushed his chair away from the table. Both of his hands rose to scrub wildly through his hair, to the point the motions looked almost painful. “Iruka sent them in that godforsaken email, and I misread it. I thought he forgot to include the date, but it was in there.”
“Oh. Okay.”
It wasn’t Kakashi’s style to escalate a situation like this; with angry voices, sharp tones and tense nerves. Over the last few weeks, he had been stressed for sure, and yet you didn’t think he was someone to get easily angry over an honest mistake like Iruka could have potentially made. And for Kakashi to be so tardy to misread a line and completely miss the information he desperately waited for? No, that also wouldn’t be like him. Something else was amiss here.
Your mouth already opened to comment on his behavior, but your brain shut it again before you could get any words out. Kakashi knew he fucked up. He obviously did, and blamed himself for it. You didn’t have to tell him. The most sensible thing you could do was help him out a bit. Of course, for the sake of hopefully restoring some peace in the office and making sure Iruka wouldn’t rightfully take gruesome revenge on Kakashi.
“Iruka likes the Ichiraku instant cup noodles.”
For the first time, Kakashi looked properly at you. His eyes flickered upwards, dancing over your entire face. Your words didn’t seem to properly register for a few seconds. After a few more moments of blind staring, a light seemed to go off above his head. “You mean…”
“Buying him some of the XXtra Fire Spicy kind might be a good peace offering”, you said, then gently tabbed against your nose. “You don’t know this from me, though. Anko would kill me if she ever finds out I’m handing out her bribery-info like that.”
A quick grin flashed over his face. “I wouldn’t dare to rat you out. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I have to ask, though.”
“What?”
“Why?”
“Because…” You breathed in, trying to find the right words. “Because an angry and vengeful Iruka could throw some stones into our way. Because I want to make this work now. Because why not?” You shrugged weakly. “Does there have to be a reason at this point?”
Kakashi shook his head. “But I liked to hear your reasons. They’re all pretty damn good.” His eyes flitted again over your face. Down from your eyes to your nose and further below, lingering there, then up again. He pushed himself even further away from the desk, then sighed again. “Sorry for this mess. I will fix it.”
“All good. Nice to see I’m not the only one who has to suffer under the terrible reign of Kakashi Hatake, entitled egomaniac and incredibly conceited on top of that.”
That made him at least chuckle. “Egomaniac and conceited? Hard to beat.”
“I could have added self-absorbed and thoughtless, but hey. No need to be cruel.”
You watched how the new creases and wrinkles around Kakashi’s eyes deepened with his tired grin. The little dip in your stomach at the sight was promptly ignored and pushed aside, into a forgotten corner, where your admiration for the man rested after discovering how much of an asshole he could be.
~ X ~
Seeing your face today made coming to work worth it.
Keep it up!
~ X ~
“Kakashi, could we speak for a moment?”
Of course, he expected Minato to come to him. Not after this fucking colossal mishap of a social interact he had with Iruka.
I can’t be burned out. I feel fine enough. I just need to get through this campaign, then it will be alright.
It’s my fault the campaign takes so long. It’s my fault, I have to keep the team here for overtime almost every night. It’s my fault Minato and Kushina have to beg for extensions on the deadlines for the campaign, because I took so damn long to get one single fucking idea.
I can’t let them all down. When this is all over, I can rest again, or even think about the off-chance of being…
He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t even name the sickness in his thoughts. Naming it gave it power, made it real, made it terrifying enough to shy away from it. Minato asking such questions in the first place said all Kakashi needed to know. The quality of his work had diminished, worsened noticeably over the last few months. Had others noticed as well? Were they looking at him, trying to see if he was failing?
~ X ~
With the weather turning against, the sky turning bleak and cloudy every so often, and with the long hours of work filling your days, it was no miracle you felt more tired than usual. Sometimes, right after lunch, your eyelids began to drop, and the afternoon always turned into gum with how long it seemed to stretch out. But it was necessary, so you dutifully noted down all of your overtime, gritted your teeth and brewed extra strong coffee with the new machine in the break room.
You could see the toll also in Kakashi. Apart from his ever-present eyebags, more often than not he was yawning, one hand lazily covering his mouth. His posture was even more slumped than usual, shoulders dropping and spine slouching to the point you wanted to ask him if he was suffering from some spinal injury. Sometimes, especially late in the night, when him and you were the only people left in the office, he would space out.
“Hey, I looked over the time schedule Itachi sent, and Akatsuki wants to reschedule the next appointment for an update on the campaign.”
After a few moments of absolute silence, you looked up. It took a bit for your eyes to adjust, going from the brightly lit screen of your laptop to the dim surroundings of the office. By now, it was customary to move closer with your laptop to Kakashi’s desk, as he was insistent on working at his own desk, “where everything is where it’s supposed to be and I can find everything”.
There was no one at the desk. You strained your eyes, peering through the curtain of tiredness hanging over your mind. Strange. Kakashi hadn’t gotten up, right? You would have noticed. With a twinge in your stomach, you got up. And instantly spotted him.
He was sleeping. Kakashi was sleeping, upper body draped across the desk, face squashed against his arm, which was protectively laid out over a bunch of paper, the pencil still loosely held up by his fingers. Only illuminated by the screens in front of him, where flickering lights showed off the latest Akatsuki-promotion videos they produced in house and Itachi sent over as a directional tool, he seemed so…
Young.
Younger than you had ever expected him to be. Carefully as to not wake the man, you leaned in, trying to figure out what was now so different. Maybe it was because the wrinkles around his eyes had softened. Or because his mouth was slightly open, mumbling weakly but without any coherent wording. Or because for the first time, there were no pretenses for Kakashi to hide behind.
Your heart fluttered weakly when he mumbled again, pretty lips opening and closing, before a sigh drifted past his mouth. Up so close and without any defenses, it was so easy to forget all the reasons why you should stay away. Kakashi was all light; silvery mysterious moonlight, only disturbed by the small dot of a dimple right below his mouth.
Stop this. It’s creepy as fuck.
With a shake of your head, you stepped fully around the desk. He had to wake up, and even more so, get out of this office.
“Hey…” Gently, you reached out, poking your index finger into his shoulder. Once, then twice. “Kakashi? Wake up.”
A weak grumble erupted from him, but nothing else. Again, you poked him, this time a bit more forcefully. “Hey. Wake up. You can go home.”
“Mhmm…” Kakashi pulled a face, eyes still closed. One of his hands came up to shield his face from any light, sound or your contact. “Five more…”
“Alright. Don’t blame me though when you have a stiff neck in the end.” You backed up, already trying to forget how Kakashi looked like when his face was crumpled by a good nap, when the man shot upright.
“What-?” He yawned widely, eyes quickly blinking away the last bits of sleep. “Where am I?”
“Still in the office. Had a good nap?”
“Unfortunately, one of the better ones I had lately.”
“Trouble falling asleep, ah. Can’t say I’m unfamiliar.” And you meant it.
Kakashi shrugged. “Or staying asleep. And yet…” He fell silent, eyes glazing over and staring emptily at the blue-lit screens in front of him. You nearly expected to see a string of drool dribbling down his chin, but then, he seemed to wake up from his weird trance. “Sorry for keeping you here. You can go, it’s already…”
“I’m not going,” you said, while Kakashi tried to check the time with bleary eyes, “before you have gotten out of your chair and come with me.”
“But…”
“I’m not up to argue this point right now.”
For a very long second, Kakashi seemed to actually want to argue. The sharp crease around his mouth deepened, gnawing at his inner cheek. You sharpened the look you gave him; just a bit more edge and bite in your eyes, then he nodded in defeat.
“Sure. Let me just grab my laptop and-!”
“You’re leaving the laptop here as well.”
That, however, got you a stronger reaction than you thought.
“I can’t”, Kakashi shook his head, “I can’t leave the laptop here.”
“Yes. You can. There’s literally no reason why you couldn’t.”
“But there’s so much work to do!”
The realization of what exactly was happening wasn’t a sudden one. No, you had suspected in the back of your mind what was exactly going on with Kakashi. His uncharacteristic snappiness towards other people, the mistakes and sloppiness, him falling asleep yet panicking, all of those were hints leading toward the real problem. And now these familiar lines. Lines you had said yourself a while back, with a pounding heart in your throat and bile gathering in your stomach. These fucking lines, all too familiar and still numbing your self all the same.
You paused, mouth slightly open as you tried to find the right words. Words you had needed to hear from someone. But it was still Kakashi Hatake.
You and him weren’t close. Not that close, in fact. And you suspected that no one else, but his parents were close enough to say them, and you also suspected they hadn’t noticed anything uncommon with their son yet.
“Kakashi”, you started slowly, “if you continue on this campaign in your state, you will regret it later. It is of no use to anyone if you force yourself to be creative like this.”
“We have no time, we still have so many things to do, and we’re behind because-!”
“We’re not so far behind anymore. We did so much work during the last weeks. Kakashi…”
He shook his head, all sharp, jerky movements. “No. No, it’s because of me. I have to… I need to make this right.”
“You already did. Listen.”
The man still shook his head. Caught in a loop, created by his state and exhaustion. Probably also due to sleeping troubles. “I can’t, there’s still some color schemes left to talk over, I need to adjust the…” His voice trailed off, drifting away like a sigh swept away by a sudden gust of wind.
“Kakashi.” You reached over, fingers touching and tugging at the soft fabric of his comfy, oversized sweater. “Listen to me. You did enough for today. Tomorrow, we can do more stuff. Tonight, you take a shower, you get yourself a nice meal, and try to have some sleep. It is okay.”
But he wasn’t listening. His eyes were bearing down on your hand, intently following the movements of your gentle tugging, before sliding right up your arm and further up to the curve of your shoulder, the dip of your neck, and right up to your face.
“Kakashi”, you tried again, “You can go home. It’s fine.”
“Why do you care if I leave or not? It’s not like you particularly like me.”
“I came to tolerate you. Besides, I still need you.”
“For what? For not having any ideas? For not being creative enough? For making shitty, stupid mistakes and holding everyone up?” His voice rose, the tone frustrated like you had never heard him before. Like a dam was broken, the water breaking free and ripping away all of his inhibitions and usual restraints. “I’m trying so hard to make things right because I know that I fucked up by not having an idea for ages, then for being indecisive, and now everything is too much! I’m fucking drowning over here, and I know I shouldn’t ask for help because I do not deserve to feel that way!”
For a moment, Kakashi looked like he wanted to continue his tirade, but then he deflated like one of these balloons parents get for their kids on a holiday; one moment filled to the brim with helium and the next, slowly releasing said gas into the stratosphere while flattening with every passing second. “I just…” He shrugged, voice meek and flat and so tired, “don’t know anymore.”
“Kakashi, I…” You sighed. Fuck, this situation was a whole-ass mess. How were you supposed to handle this? Of course, you had a pretty educated guess what was happening to Kakashi, and you were pretty sure he was thinking of the same thing already. But you weren’t really in a place where you could just tell him that, right? Because thinking and actually speaking the condition into existence were two completely different things.
“Kakashi”, you started again, all the while still reaching out and gesturing to him to step out from behind the desk, “I understand what you’re going through right now. Better than you might think. But I’m not going to have this conversation right now with you, when you should really be on your way home. Go home. Rest. And tomorrow, we can speak about it in depth, okay?”
“For sure?”
“Yes. But go home, please.”
For another, horrifyingly long moment, he just stood there. Motionless, with only his eyes scanning your entire body up and down, before he nodded. Slowly, but he did. “Okay. I go home now. Happy?”
“Cut the moody teenager shit with me, Kakashi.”
“Sorry. I just…” His eyes scrunched close, groaning as he did so. “Fuck. I’m an ass.”
“Good. We’re agreeing on one thing.” As you watched how the man packed his things up — he left his laptop on the desk, you noted — you were already trying to puzzle together what to say tomorrow.
Because how could you possibly explain to Kakashi Hatake that he was probably suffering from Burn out?
