#freebeardhell

[thedynamic]

Thank you both!!!! 💕💕💕

[hudders-and-hiddles]

Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope it's amazing!! 🎈🎉🎁🎊❤️💛💚💙💜💖

Thank you, Annie!!!

[mssmithlove1]

freebeardhell replied to your post “Is it too early to be talking about Sherlock Seattle? Or Watson...”

I'll be there!!

YAY!! WE WILL DEFINITELY NEED TO MEET UP!!

[bimartin]

freebeardhell replied to your post: “when even was the last time we saw martin without the swoosh™, look at…”:

he looks so softe

he does!!! he’s also got a softe jumper on which amps it up 😍

[darcylindbergh]

Happy Birthday!!!! 💕😘🍾🎈🎉🎊🎁

thank you!!! listen true story every time I see your icon floating around I always have to stop for a second and take it in, what a great icon, thank you for this public service <333

[eggsistencial]

Happy birthday!!!!! 🎈💕💖🎉

thank u anniee!!!!!!!!

[thehumansymphony]

I ASKED A GUY OUT AND I DIDN’T DIE FROM EMBARASSMENT

(Sorry this has taken me so long to post- I got home and wanted to actually speak with someone and ended up skyping a friend for a few hours whoops.)

Okay so. I know that the first thing all you that are reading this will want to know is "WHAT DID TODD SAY? WHAT HAPPENED???" SO, here is the very short version: he turned me down but was wonderfully polite about it. Now, before I get into telling the long version, let me just say that I'm fine. I feel okay, surprisingly (or at least surprisingly to me?). As I told one friend of mine, I'm kind of doing emotional inventory right now. The main thing is that I feel fine. Everything is okay, the world is not ending, and I am fine. But- I'm also happy and sad and relieved and disappointed. And it may take me a few days to really sort out how I feel right now. I think Doc knows I'm a little sad because he's being extra affectionate tonight.

So now I'll get on with my usual rambling tale.

I decided a few days ago that it was finally time for me to act on my feelings? So after much consideration and counsil from the wonderful people I've been calling Team Todem (thank you Andaya), I decided that my best bet was to ask him out on Thursday night after our board meeting. On Tuesday, we'd decided that we were going to grab dinner after since I still owed him dinner. And I'd mostly figured out what I wanted to say. Anthony wonderfully suggested that I try to think of something specific I could suggest as a date and I settled on asking about the next time we woubld be able to go to a concert together.

So for pretty much all of Thursday, I was freaking the fuck out. I haven't been so anxious about anything for years. I felt like I was going to vomit or die about every five minutes. It was. Awful. I thought that talking to a couple of other board members when they arrived for the meeting would distract me but no such luck. I was still absolutely convinced that I was going to spontaneously combust or something. But then, finally, Todd walked into the Library for the meeting. And suddenly I was totally calm. All of my anxiety was gone.It was incredibly weird, honestly. But I survived the board meeting in one piece.

Racheal was celebrating a new job that she's been wanting for a while so we all decided to go out together. (I actually really preferred going out as a group rather than just being out with Todd? It felt weird to consider going out alone, buying his dinner, and then asking him out? It just seemed a bit much, if that makes sense?) And dinner was a lot of fun. There were 8 of us in our group and we definitely got a bit loud with our laughter. We're all still making "nuts" jokes. I think the word "nuts" was said abut 100 times tonight and that's really not an exaggeration. Todd and I were trying this beer that's like 10% alcohol so we were both in a fantastic mood and we were both crying laughing. Mature adults, yup.

After dinner, I followed Todd out to his car because he had a ticket for me for a concert in a few weeks. And Lisa decided to tag along. Which I wasn't totally pleased with. Because she wouldn't just say goodbye and LEAVE so I could be alone with Todd. And it was like almost 90 minutes before she finally drove away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I seized my moment. And it didn't go terribly. I mean I fumbled my words a bit (and Todd was smiling at me the whole time I was trying to ask him which just kept throwing me off it was so distracting!) but I got them all out- AND IN THE RIGHT ORDER! I didn't vomit or die or give in to the spit second impulse to run away to Canada and change my name and never return to Florida. So I mean, I think that's a pretty successful first attempt at asking someone out.

Much to my astonishment, the first thing he said was "Well, let's see. When's the next one...? It really wouldn't work for Prism- that whole week is just going to be a mess for us...." I was honestly thinking "wait what? Did he hear me correctly? Did he catch the word "date" in there?????"

But then, I think his brain started to catch up with his mouth. And he was like "Well, let me think about it?" And he explained that he was a little hestitant to get involved with someone so much younger (not unexpected honestly), especially since his ex was also a good bit younger (but a few years older than me, I think?) and he got hurt pretty badly when their relationship ended. And he's not totally sure he's ready to think about starting something yet. Which, of course, I completely understand and I really respect that he stopped himself from agreeing to something he wasn't ready for?

And he went on to say that he really valued the relationship that we do have. And then he got this absolutely panicked look on his face and asked if I was going to be okay and said he hoped this wouldn't make me want to leave Chorale. Which made me laugh because, really? They're not getting rid of me anytime soon.

And I asked, knowing that I can be perhaps overly friendly, if he'd want me to give him some space for a while. He assured me that that absolutely wasn't necessary. And he said that he really enjoyed my company and spending time with me. He also told me that I was always welcome to his extra tickets and that he enjoyed going to these concerts with me because he knew that I'd appreciate the music in the same way that he does.

And then we talked for about another hour before we were both yawning too much to really considered staying out any later.

So, no dates in my future. But our friendship remains nicely intact. And I knew that, as long as this didn't totally ruin things, I could survive whatever the outcome was. I'll be seeing him tomorrow night for a sing-out so that'll give me an opportunity to guage if anything's changed? I mean, obviously he knows now and that will probably afect things at least a little. But I guess I will see what it's like when we've both had almost a day for the conversation to really sink in??

But thank you to all of you that have read these stories over the last 6 months or so (since it because a mostly weekly thing) or before. Your encouragement and support has meant so much to me. Especially all of the wonderful messages I've gotten in the last couple of days. I really appreciate you all helping me reach this point.<3

Meanwhile, i don't know what this means for my crush tag? I mean, there's still a crush but does the tag serve a purpose now that I'm not pining in secret? And am I still in Crush Hell? Is this Crush Purgatory?

[thehumansymphony]

So tonight is Tuesday which mean's I got to spend time with a certain fella at rehearsal.  (Okay I don't think "fella" should continue to be part of my vocabulary, good heavens...)

Todd was a bit frazzled tonight. He kept forgetting where he'd put things (like his folder) and where he was supposed to be sitting. So every few minutes he'd have to ask me "where did I put my music? Am I the first or second seat in? How many chairs are we putting on this row?"  It was honestly kind of adorable. But apparently he'd had a weird sort of presentation at his firm today and it had left him a little scatter brained.

We didn't really get much time to chat beyond that until the end of rehearsal. Lisa and Leslie were talking to us for a while after but then they both decided to make their ways home. But, before she left, Lisa was trying to tell us that someone had accidentally taken someone else's pecan order tonight. The unfortunate (but hilarious) way she decided to phrase this was to tell us "Bill's nuts are missing". She almost couldn't say it she was laughing so hard (which just made me and Todd laugh). So hopefully whoever it was will realize they have an extra order and will return it on Friday or next Tuesday.

Once Lisa had left, I got to talk to Todd about how I've had 3 opportunities to buy him dinner in the last week (because I'd insisted on doing something for him since he's been so wonderfully generous with concert tickets the last few months- did I ever mention that before? I can't remember whoops...) but have forgotten to claim his check each time. So I asked if, provided our board meeting on Thursday don't run too late, he'd like to go out after. He said it sounded like a great idea. (Honestly, cross your fingers for me because I've been trying to make plans like this with him since May and every single time something comes up- I'm beginning to think the Universe doesn't want this to happen in any capacity. If we have to cancel this time I may rip my hair out.)

Something made us think of this ridiculous thing we were a part of almost 2 years ago called SHORE. (Basically, some dancer was visiting FSU and for this thing she was doing, she wanted to feature the voice as the instrument? So they were asking for singers from the community to come be a part of it. And Todd and a few other Chorale folks and I decided to see what it was all about. I don't think I've ever been a part of something that could so easily be described as a clusterfuck until SHORE.) But we were making fun of the things we'd had to do for it and it dawned on me that, before then I'd never really talked to Todd (or my friend Alana). But we'd (thankfully) been sort of grouped together for it so we sort of bonded over the experience. And I pointed it out to Todd and he said "well at least something nice came out of that."

We also got to talking about Shakespeare. Which is one of those things that Todd can talk forever about. It's so wonderful to talk about because, even though I really don't know much about Shakespeare's works, I love to see and hear people talk about things they really enjoy. So watching Todd geek out over different plays is just fantastic. But we talked about Patrick Stewart's "MacBeth" and Ian McKellen's "King Lear" and "Slings and Arrows" and somehow this all lead to a discussion on the English language and how it's evolved here and in the UK and the different cultural influences. And it was so wonderful but we had to cut it a bit short because of some fairly strange noises followed by sirens and a helicopter with a search light... So we decided that we'd pick the conversation back up on Thursday night and we said our goodnights and left. (Also, I've noticed that, recently, Todd either waits for me to get into my truck before he leaves his parking spot or he'll pause near where I've parked and wait until I'm in safely and then drive off. He’s honestly such a sweetheart- he also gave me a ride back to my truck after the community Chorus Concert on Sunday so I didn’t have to walk 1/2 on my own in the dark.)

Now, here's where I need some advice from you wonderful people that read these posts (even if you're not tagged in them- I'd still love to get your opinions):

I really want to ask Todd out. This week preferably. I'm just trying to figure out when.

On Thursday, we have our board meeting and then hopefully dinner. On Friday, the Chorale has our first sing-out of the season.

So I could ask Todd out on Thursday after dinner (because I really want to do that before I try to ask him out? I feel like, if I'm rejected, it would just be really awkward to try to buy him dinner? Does that make sense?) But also, if I make a move on Thursday and am turned down, I'd then have to see him on Friday? So maybe I should try to ask him out on Friday? That way we'd have a whole weekend before we had to see each other again which would hopefully help with any awkwardness that could arise? But, he has plans to go to a concert on Friday night after the sing out so I don't know if I'd get a chance to ask him then?

Also what does one say when they want to ask someone out? Like, if I were to just be like "would you be interested in going out sometime" how can I make it clear that I mean as a date? Without saying something that sounds like it should be said by a high schooler?

Apparently tracking tags isn’t working???? So I’ll try to tag as many of my “wingmen” as I can in the post as well:

@freebeardhell, @cumbergoddess, @eternity-is-a-terrible-thought, @reshmarambles, @ofkellyabbott, @xshelbyx91, @goldenheadfreckledheart, @annehathawill, @lunalovegouda,    @debatepapaya

Anyone have any suggetions for me? Please?