so that last clone scene where sarah talks about how she doesn’t know how to be happy really smacked me in my fre-nch le-ather feels tbh. bc that’s similar to how i’ve always headcanoned delphine to feel as well. (but obviously canon doesn’t think delphine has feelings outside of hearteyes for cosima (multiple month(s) long traumas whom???? no, she can just hold a baby and we can believe everything is fine) so……….. i’m spitballing here).
so there they both are, drowning in self-loathing and guilt over their mistakes that people have forgiven them for. and they both escape from parties by going to the kitchen. they both feel like they don’t belong there, for different but similar reasons. and god…
they just see that the other is suffering in the same way and go, “absolutely not, i am the only one who is allowed to Suffer™. i gave up a lot so that everybody else would be happy. i am the one who is sad for everybody else.” and try to bring the other up while also feeling bad that the other feels bad. and through trying to make sure the other doesn’t feel guilty they heal a little part of themselves.
it’s not a cure. it doesn’t make it go away entirely. delphine still has nightmares where everybody suddenly turns on her and casts her out, separating her from cosima (who is especially mad). and sarah still can’t look at a picture of mrs. s without feeling intense shame that sticks with her long after she looks away.
but it does help. it all feels a little lighter knowing that there’s someone who understands what they’re going through. even if the other is not allowed to Suffer™ in their eyes. and even if they don’t really actually talk about anything too deep. it’s usually a ‘what are you hiding for, they love you’ with a knowing look but they actually say something more akin to ‘it’s a hot one out there’ or ‘i love the babies but gosh they sure are fussy today’. but it’s nice to have the reassurance even if it is hidden under self-deprecating teasing.
and cosima is especially surprised by it. the last she heard of their relationship was delphine was lowkey scared of sarah and sarah was thinly tolerant of her presence but only because cosima loves her. now they’re talking about their feelings over beers? delphine doesn’t even really like beer. it warms her heart that they’ve found something in common and are bonding. when she finds out that it’s the overly noble Need to Suffer™ For Everyone she rolls her eyes. of course that’s what they bond over, not like…. calling soccer football and enjoying the sport or talking about sexuality or their love of hamburgers or literally any of the other things they may have in common.
she loves her self-loathing gfs with her whole heart. but could they please talk about something else? it’s 1 am and she wants to go to bed but she’s worried if she leaves them alone they’ll talk themselves into drinking all night.
