#friedcheeselife

[friedcheesemogu]

Hi it's my birthday & I feel pretty that's all

[friedcheesemogu]

I'm curious about the habits that made fandom harmful for you.

Hello mysterious anon. I wonder if you’ll see this. 

I’m garbage at answering messages lately (hopefully you saw my New Year’s post about what a…”complicated” year it’s been in my head), and this one I especially had to think about before I answered it. 

I’m not really sure how to start. 

If we say that my true introduction to fandom was when I got into “Slayers” at age 16, well…then I’ve been active in fandom on and off (but mostly on) for 16 years now (surprise, I’m old!). For many of those years, I admit to being very…well, “canon-compliant,” as it were. 

I used to be a hardcore “THIS IS CANON, THIS IS HOW IT IS” shipper, which was fine, I guess, for me at that time. There’s still shows (*coughcough* Slayers *cough*) where different interpretations of “the canon” will never fly with me, but that’s neither here nor there. 

I used to get into arguments with people about the validity of their pairings versus “the truth” of canon pairings. I am not too proud to admit that in my youth I participated in some massive ship wars. I argued with friends. This progressed even into my 20′s, and one day I had a large argument with some friends that I thought I was particularly close to…and then nothing in that fandom was ever the same again. I don’t even completely remember why it was so important at the time, but I know that when it happened, it was devastating.

On that day, friedcheesemogumanity received a grim reminder: you can argue as hard as you want for something you think is RIGHT and CANON, but if neither side is going to budge, you’re basically throwing rocks at a wall and sooner or later one is going to bounce back and hit you in the eye, and getting hit in the eye hurts like a motherfucker. 

So there’s that. 

But that was in my late-early twenties 20′s (one million years ago). I’m not going to say that I don’t have ship preferences and ideas about “canon” to this day, but it’s not as important to me to staple them to other people’s faces. I like the trend of “headcanons.” I think that’s kind of a nicer way to say “well I think PO-TAY-TOE and you think PO-TAH-TOE but we can all live together and be happy with our ideas and we don’t have to pummel one another with who’s right and who’s wrong.”

In my late-late 20′s, um….what made fandom harmful for me was a variety of things that I a) have trouble sorting out and b) have trouble looking at. It’s bound up in mistakes that were made earlier, in friendships, in my own idea of what it meant to “do fandom right.”

I feel like that comes up a lot, doesn’t it? The accusation that people are somehow “doing it wrong” when they enjoy something a certain way, like a problematic character, fail to get angry about this situation or that story-line. As someone who struggles daily with things that my own brain insists I’m doing wrong, it’s not particularly helpful for me to be yelled at for the way I enjoy something, OR for me to yell at anyone else about it. I live every day with the niggling idea in the back of my head that I’m going to somehow destroy the world, my health, get my family killed if I park in the wrong place when I go to work, if I eat somewhere that a friend got sick at one time ten years ago, if I put my rings on in a different order. I don’t need to bring that kind of deranged magical thinking into something I do to try to help me cope with my depression and anxiety. No one needs that. 

I used to hate-read a lot, too. Who doesn’t enjoy a good hate-read from time to time? But for me it became really damaging. Especially considering my own issues with writing, it was incredibly harmful to me to read pairings I didn’t like written by people who were not only tremendously talented but more popular than I would ever be…but I did it anyway, over and over. How do you not resent that? Or come, in some way, to resent yourself, the source material…everything that’s involved? When you’re too busy thinking “fuck this person and their fucking awesome words for this horrible pairing that I fucking hate,” you don’t really have time to enjoy what you’re ostensibly in the fandom for. And it’s ugly. 

I’ll be straight-forward: that became me in FMA many years ago. It’s why I can never watch that series again. It was me in Avengers. Admittedly, Avengers also had the misfortune to fall across my path right at the time that my mental health issues reached a new plane of obnoxiousness, and it was sort of a perfect storm. But anger at characters, at fandom, at my friends, at my own abilities made it horrible, to a point where I eventually had to say “ENOUGH” and ran away to hide in shows that I enjoyed but didn’t feel the need to “participate” in - “Game of Thrones,” for one, in its heyday. 

And then it was quiet, and I could think. 

Honestly I’m not sure if this is anything like the answer you wanted, or if it even makes sense. I just know that I got to a point where the act of being in fandom made me so miserable that it wasn’t worth it, and I had to let go. 

Letting go is exceptionally hard for me. Walking away from something I believed in, be it grad school, fandom friends from FMA (not all of them, but many), even a job that was killing me, has never been something I took lightly or did without massive bouts of terrified agony. There’s still shit in my life I need to let go of that I can’t yet face. I just happened to make it through the other things over time. And I’m proud of myself for the changes I’ve made to the way I approach fandom. 

I can never get through talking about changes in my fandom life without mentioning two things, and the first is “Pacific Rim.”

I mean it, fully and completely, when I say that “Pacific Rim” taught me how to love again. I don’t know why, or how, but that movie broke down a wall around my heart that I’d built from years of bad fandom feelings and disappointments and anger. I loved it. I loved it so much for everything that it was and I didn’t need it to be anything else. I didn’t need to write for it. I didn’t need to argue about what character was better or why, or ship anything, or do anything but just…love it. I was all for reading meta about it, for learning more about Mako, even for accepting that my favorite character was Chuck Hansen. I didn’t need anything more than what it gave me, and what it gave me was a reminder that sometimes things can just “be.” Sometimes you can love something and you don’t have to pick it apart, you don’t have to fight about it.

The second thing is SNK.

SNK came to me shortly afterwards. It came to me after I’d decided that there was probably not going to be any more incendiary anime in my life, even though my feelings for anime are what define the core of my fandom existence. It came to me not just because I was bombarded with it on tumblr, but because for once the onslaught of tumblr images made me curious, and I went with @joannaestep to find out for myself what was going on. And I’ll even admit that at first I wasn’t particularly impressed. And now…well, my Erwin doll is sitting next to me, there’s a Marco pillow about four feet away, and two Levi figures, one Jean, one Aurou Bossard in this room alone. I love this fucking series. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but I don’t think there will ever again be a series like SNK, where I love every single character.

And the thing is, that I’ve spent the morning catching up on the manga, and seeing the reactions to Chapter 77…and I love it more. 

I can’t imagine what it would have been like for teenage Amber to read this. I approach it now with 16 years of fandom and 19 years of reading manga behind me. I come to it with the experience of being 32 years old and accepting that I may be an adult with pretty decent plans but half the time I have no goddamn idea what’s going to happen or if everything is going to blow up in my face. It doesn’t mean I’m not terrified. It doesn’t mean that, on a smaller level, I’m not deeply moved and wounded by the things that happen to these characters that I love so much as they destroy one another and themselves. 

I watch people arguing about the characters and now I don’t feel the need to join in. I can talk about it with my friends, and I can read tumblr and think “dude. It is time for you to calm down” then go back to eating my toast and considering that eventually I should put on real clothes. Of course I want to talk about all the revelations and the betrayals and the epic scope of the tragedy that is SNK…but I don’t want to yell about anything except how awesome it is. I’m not going to tell people who to like or how to like it, only to be careful when they’re filled with anger about what other people do or don’t like, or how they do it. I’m not going to tell you “don’t like this character” or “don’t ship that pairing” because that’s what made me unhappy. When you start engaging in something just because it makes you angry, when you want to destroy other people’s work instead of making your own, when you stop trying to debate and start actively looking for fights and the things that make you want to tear off your own face and throw it at someone…that’s when you need to step back. 

Because I did that. I yelled and I hate-read and I hated and when no one else would listen I yelled at myself. It scared me and scarred me and made me unhappy. And I have enough to deal with in my daily life without shredding myself into pieces over the things I’m supposed to enjoy. 

So uh…one million years later, there’s my convoluted answer. 

TL;DR: I used to hate-read and force my opinions on people and actively resent people who were talented but used that talent for characters or ships or fandom I didn’t like, and I gained nothing from it except a bunch of stories I never wrote and a sense of profound embarrassment when I look back at some of my actions.

It’s not that I don’t care what people have to say or that I don’t want to contribute. I care a great deal. There’s a lot I want to talk about. But I can’t let the harmful things be in charge anymore. I care a huge amount about these characters and these shows. It’s because I care so much that I have to assess what’s worth taking with me, what’s worth sharing, and when it makes more sense to just say “okay, well…I’m going this way, have fun.” 

Hopefully somewhere in there I made some sense. 

Thanks for your question. :)

ETA: I should mention that if you straight up come to me and say “yo, your favorite sucks and here’s why” I’m not going to take it lying down. But I will feel morally superior to you in every way and probably think you’re a jerk. And I’ll probably consider it your profound loss that you don’t love them as much as I do.

[friedcheesemogu]

My aesthetic tbh

[friedcheesemogu]

This is the worst pain ever.

[friedcheesemogu]

3, 5, 8, 9, 14, 19, 27, 28, 33, 34, 39, 42, 55, 60, 61 (Have fun <3)

OH MY GOD

UM

WELL THEN. LET’S UH...LET’S PUT THESE UNDER A CUT, SHALL WE?

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Probably, yeah. We’re like, getting married or some shit. 

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

WELL...the top of my mouth kind of hurts (I think I scraped it on some chips yesterday), and I’ve been kinda “blar” stomach-wise today, and I’m always sleepy, but...generally okay. Gonna make dinner with feels-like-fire and watch “Elementary,” so that’s good. I just wish I’d done a little more or you know...had ideas or writing powers. 

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

Um...it was some sort of work party, that seemed to be being held in some combination of a coffee shop and grocery store near where I work, and there was going to be some sort of race? Involving carrying take-out cups of coffee? But I got impatient because it was taking too long to start, so I was like “I’ll run some errands,” and texted one of my coworkers to ask her to tell me when to come back, but I forgot she changed her phone number, so ultimately I was gone too long and I missed everything and people were eating delicious donuts without me when I got there and I felt really bad. 

Yeah, uh. My dreams almost always suck, or incorporate some of my anxieties about being forgotten or failing people.  

9. Three of your current feelings?

-desire to write and fear of how to do it

-lack of desire to want to do the dishes

-apprehension at the intentions of my body re: food

14. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Um...about two weeks ago. I was writing and email to a friend and it was very emotional, because a lot of times I feel like she’s outgrown me and shouldn’t want to be my friend anymore because she’s married and having a baby and has a great job and I’m actually older than her but like  “today I’m going to forget how to do anything but lie on the couch and later I’ll buy myself some toys and eat a rat!” 

>.>

...a lot goes on in my head. 

19. Do you like yourself?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa this one sounds really funny after that last answer. 

The short answer, though, is yes. I like being me. When I stop being incredibly self-deprecating about how I look/dress (which is how I enjoy dressing because I’m comfortable) or about how my body is a mess (it’s got a lot of faults, and I’d like stainless steel intestines, please, but maybe in 20 years we’ll have those) or how my brain works (I actually understand it pretty well, I just can’t always stop it from thinking stupid things)...I really like myself. I think I’d want to be friends with me. When I remember things I’ve accomplished, I’m proud, and I’m exceptionally pleased with the friends I’ve made and the family I’ve built out of them. 

Also sometimes I’m pretty hot, so that’s cool. 

27. What’s on your mind right now?

Uh...literally “Oh my god, why is X-Files still so fucking amazing.”

Followed by “I need to ask revolvermonkcelot about linking her fantastic fic.”

After that: “Tonkatsu sauce is the best.”

And then it was like “I wonder why I tweet more on my workdays. I guess I have more interesting things to say.”

And after that, it went back to mulling around how much I want to write for “Free! ES” and how much I don’t know what to write. 

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?

I want to say a lot of things to a lot of people, and most of it is “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. It’s been a very strange few months for me, and I’m lacking a lot of the energy I need to do very simple things. Please know I want to talk to you, and I still care about you. I wish I were stronger and more disciplined. I haven’t been the friend I want to be to you, and I’m sorry for letting you down.”

...without calling them out specifically, I hope some of the people this is meant for read this. >.>

33. Name five facts about yourself.

Hmm....I never remember what I’ve written for these before.

-I’ve broken my left arm three times, most recently about 2 years ago. It’s always the left arm, but the “how” is a surprise.

-I never write stories by hand. I don’t outline them either, if I can help it. I’m too superstitious about both of those things for very different reasons. 

-My dad really wants me to write all of the adventures I’ve had working in retail down and try to get it published. 

-...as of this summer, I’ll have worked in retail for ten years. It’s not what I expected at all, but uh...I could’ve done worse. I mean, I’ve been traumatized for life and I’m a worse person for it...but a much better customer. And I’ll never take people who work in the service industry for granted.

-I’m fairly afraid of dogs. There’s been very few dogs in my life that I’ve actually felt comfortable around, and only a small subset of those were ones I actively tried to interact with. 

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?

No, thank god. I have “during accident experiences,” like while falling down the stairs during my last arm-breaking incident, I was thinking “oh my god I can’t believe this is happening again,” but. 

39. Ever been in love?

Yes. 

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?

Nope. The world couldn’t handle that much fine.

55. If you could live forever, would you want to?

Sometimes I want to very much. But then I think of all the people I’d miss and all the things I’m scared of that I might have to witness, and I think maybe it would be better not to. 

I dunno, maybe if I lived in Middle Earth or something. 

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?

Absolutely. At this point, the ONLY WAY I would ever have my own children is if you could guarantee me that 1) it would be a girl, and 2) someone else would agree to carry it for me. >.>

61.Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?

I WANT BOTH. But I’d probably rather live long because yeah. 

WE MADE IT! :D

[friedcheesemogu]

Two adult women have a text conversation

Friedcheesemogu: SOMNAMBULISTS CHAPSTER 5 IS UP. AITAI TRANSLATED THE FEEDING RIN SCENE. AAAUUGUGHHGGHGHHGGHJ

Joannaestep: IS MY LIFE OVER OR HAS IT JUST BEGUN?????????

Friedcheesemogu: WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

Friedcheesemogu: IGOD BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE AND DO PIG LAUNDRU AND WORM FBSJFNMF

Joannaestep: Gdfkfdfhjds

Friedcheesemogu: ...PIG LAUNDRY

Friedcheesemogu: WORK

Friedcheesemogu: I AM GOING TO DRIVE OFF TWELVE CLIFFS

Friedcheesemogu: IT'S LIKE SOME KIND OF MAGICAL SOURIN WEDNESDAY

Joannaestep: WORM

Joannaestep: SCREECH

Friedcheesemogu: ...IT'S FUXKING TUESDAY

Friedcheesemogu: WHAT IS TIME

Joannaestep: STARS ARE BUT WISHES

Friedcheesemogu: I ANT MY HELICOPTER

Friedcheesemogu: WA T

Friedcheesemogu: WANT

Joannaestep: Beautiful Sourin Wednesday

Friedcheesemogu: IT'S FUCKING TUESDAY

Joannaestep: I KNOW

Friedcheesemogu: CALL AN AMBULANCE

Friedcheesemogu: ASK THEM TO WAIT...TWO HOURS

Joannaestep: I'M TAKING MY SHARK TO SOACE

Joannaestep: SPACE

[friedcheesemogu]

Taking a moment away from con stuff... Tonight the oldest guinea pig I've ever had, Olivia, my regal little queen, passed away. She was probably around 7 years old if not more. She hasn't been well lately; her back legs started to fail her a few weeks ago. Monday night she seemed to be having intestinal distress and we got her through it. The night before I left, I held her and talked to her. When I said goodbye Thursday morning, she was still happy to eat and alert, and that was the last time I saw her. I adopted Olivia and her life partner Nicky in November 2008 on a rainy Thursday night. The ad on petfinder said "they are the best of friends, and want to be friends with you too." I was in love with them immediately. Olivia was shy and kind of moody; she had one foot that was completely black and we called it her "sassy foot," and we often joked that she hated everything except Nicky and sometimes food. When she was stressed, she would have stomach problems (she took after me that way). She hated baths and once nearly killed herself trying to escape from a sink. She was quiet until you wrangled her into your lap and then she'd talk and talk because she had a lot of feelings. She wanted to be the alpha pig but whenever she was scared she ran right to Nicky for comfort. When Nicky was put to sleep in 2012 due to illness, Olivia was brave and picked out her new companion Jujubee - something I think she occasionally regretted, since Juju turned out to be quite a handful. But Juju adored Olivia completely, and as she got older, they would sit together quietly (never in the same pigloo like Liv did with Nicky, but again, Nicky was her best friend). In recent weeks, Juju would lick Olivia's face, and seemed to be taking seriously my telling her to "take care of our Liv." Tonight my boyfriend Chris called me in artist alley to say Olivia was going - he'd come home to find her lying strangely and breathing shallowly and tiredly. He held the phone to her so I could tell her one mode time how much I love her and that she should go with no regrets. She died shortly afterwards in Chris' lap, safe in blankets and warm. Even if I couldn't be there, it was everything I wanted for her, and I'm so grateful. I've spent a long time being afraid of her death, especially in the past few days. Now that she's gone, I keep thinking of a line that Scully says in X-Files: "as certain as I am of anything in this life, we have nothing to fear when it's over." And I'm not so scared anymore. But I miss her. My heart is broken for Juju who crawled under the blanket with her after she was gone when Chris brought her over to say goodbye, and who is all alone in her cage for the first time ever. But I'm comforted by the thought that Olivia went surrounded in love, and that she's finally with Nicky again. Nicky's been waiting a long time now. I guess that's all I have to say now, thank you to anyone who read this far. And thank you Olivia, my Liv, my Livvybee, my bugga, my little bird. Thank you for every single day. Olivia Hazel Vesper Gog Cohen, pre-Nov. 13, 2008 - Feb. 13, 2015. Your life was a blessing to me, and I love you forever.