Losing Friends and Chasing Sleep..
It’s a Saturday night and you're curled up on the couch while watching Begin Again movie for the nth time already. Other hand was holding the phone while refreshing the newsfeed on facebook, trying to find something new to entertain you. You look back at your closet and realize the last thing you pulled out of it was that ratty old shirt and your favorite pair of granny panties that you save for “me time.”
Then it hits you: another weekend has passed without you in it.
You vaguely recall an event you were supposed to check out, but you were too busy finishing the last season of that show you swore you’d never watch. You did plan on texting someone for plans but figured, “Nah, I’m sure she’s got better things to do.” Then while making yourself a pancake at 3 AM you think how fun it was to eat with company at this hour.
Amazing how your life can change in a couple of years. Weekends used to elicit excitement; you’d always look forward to who you were going to see. Now all that excites you is the prospect of getting either a lot or absolutely nothing done on your own. And well, including anyone pretty much screws up your brilliant plan. You like being alone. You’re used to it.
Suddenly you need a comfort and deep talk with a friend. You tried to scroll in your mobile contacts, then decided to reach them on social media such as facebook (cause people are more reachable online these days), thinking who is the best to talk to about your life problems and events.. Most of them were active, but after you hit the send button and waited for almost 20 minutes, you found none..
NONE. None of them cares, none of them is interested to listen to your happiness and struggles.
They were active on social media, liking and commenting on some or most of your photos and 200 words status posts, but the point is it is so easy to click or hit the like button, or do some "Hey you look so beautiful in that photo.. How are you?" Comment, but they were no longer interested making deep conversation with you as the way it used to be. Frantically, they were now just your "social" friends.
Friendships evolve. You start with that “circle of trust” growing up, level of intimacy being: Pees In Front Of Each Other. Sharing dirty thoughts and giggles when it comes to opposite sex. You even shared foods and made a pinky promise to be always by each other's side no matter what. They were your childhood friends.
The circle disintegrates because you’ve collectively introduced a key element: DRAMA. What do you do? You’re not gonna stay there forever! You break out and find another circle. Soon enough you’re addicted and it becomes a cycle. No solid circle = NO DRAMA. So you keep moving on and out until your relationships start to look like one giant Venn diagram.
Friendships fade. Not all end in drama. Sometimes they just fizzle out and you’re okay not keeping a starring role in that person’s life. You may have changed, perhaps they did too. Maybe without a physical space like school, office, even a bar to bind you together, you simply forget to keep in touch. “Friends by proximity” as I like to call it. Not to say these friendships weren’t genuine; they’re just bound to fade in and out of your life. Sure, no more happy hour after work but that occasional dinner, coffee, or reunion will suffice.
Some friends may not find you fun anymore when you say no to shots or no longer feel like dancing on a table. Others are getting married and/or making babies, so perhaps freaking about the latest Britney-Katy Perry scandal is just NOT top priority. You eventually learn to respect each other’s differences and just move on with your lives. No offense taken.
Friendships break. Okay fine, you said something wrong. But she overreacted. Although you could’ve handled it better…While you’re going through this whole internal monologue, you forget to have the most important conversation and that is with your friend. Before you know it you’re being seen-zoned, snubbed, and even being talked about by her shiny new friends.
The thing about something broken is that it isn’t surgically sliced with precision. You can’t easily sew things back together. What may have started as a mere crack eventually shatters into several tiny pieces, many of which you lose hope of ever finding again. Some are determined to pick these up one by one; others leave it be and just resign to the fact that it can never be fixed again.
You mourn, get angry, then hopefully you just learn to accept it.
