The really funny thing about AC6 is it does a fantastic job in-universe of justifying its CQC Core Theory ie why are we fighting in giant punchy robots when we could be sniping each other from around the curvature of the planet
For the first 3 chapters of the game, if any fight escalates more than a few hundred meters above the surface the PCA says
"I don't care who started it," and glasses everyone from orbit
The 4th chapter is an entirely-self contained dungeon dive, no air support or artillery allowed
And the final chapter not only goes off the rails in general but for some missions has some conventional warfare going on in the background while you complete specific missions that call for fast punchy robot
It's really well done and feels a lot more fleshed out than "Minovsky Particles," although there's nothing wrong with a simple solution in some stories.
I just really enjoy how it feels like the focal point of ACs develops organically from the world itself and the way conflict develops in this universe
Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 4 of 4
THE TOP 10 MOST FUCKABLE
Why are we here just to suffer?
Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Time for the top 10 finalists, place your last bets now. I think it's obvious what my preferences are.
#10: Millicent
Pros: Badass Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is rotting a little, but not a deal breaker
Reasoning: What is there to say? She's cool, she's tough, she's honorable, she has the pride to hold onto herself even in death. She fights by our side, she sees us an equal. She has just a hint of crazy in her, but not enough to end up killing me. She's like a travel sized Melania but less likely to stab me with anything I don't consent to being stabbed with.
Peak lesbian warrior woman, I am down on my knees for her. For sexual purposes? To propose? Why not both?
#9: Iron Fist Alexander
Pros: Perfection personified.
Cons: Technically not fuckable.
Reasoning: I don't think Alexander is capable of sex. When it comes to livign Jar biology, the clay seems to be their actual body. The innards are kinda incidental. They can seemingly removed and add them as they see fit, and can exist just fine without them.
Alexander wouldn't want to engage in sex even if offered. He'd probably laugh and say something like "Ah ha! I've heard of this sort of thing between you and your compatriots. A melding of flesh and emotion as it were? Ha ha! Not unlike our innards I bet! I wouldn't bother with such behavior, it's unbecoming of a warrior such as I. Besides, that kind of melding seems to be far less permanent than ours."
However, I am certain that he would let me fuck someone else inside him. He wouldn't even bat an eye, he'd just enjoy the experience of two warriors bonding inside him. "Quite a display of trust to include me in such an intimate little tarry! Hah ha! How wondrous!"
#8: Lunar Princess Ranni
Pros: Mean Sexy Evil Witch Lady Who Kills God
Cons: "Are we the baddies?"
Reasoning: I didn't want Ranni to end up this high on the list. She technically can't have sex since she is a doll puppet, and doesn't seem particularly interested anyway.
But I mean... she's the daughter of Radagon and Rennala, two of the horniest most bisexual characters in the entire FromSoft catalogue. (only surpassed by Marika, who is also Radagon.)
If she was in her original red-haired 8 foot tall body, she would literally clench and rip your dick off in a millisecond. She'd bend you over and fuck you so hard your spine would be curled into a pretzel.
No matter how fuckable she was in the past, we have to come to terms with the fact that she is pretty evil. She gets a lot of innocent people killed in her "ends justify the means" methodology. (Her means are pretty good, I mean, killing the Greater Will benefits literally everybody.) But we can't overlook just how many innocents she tramples underfoot. She allies with Rykrad, abuses Albinaurics, and creates the Deathblight plague in her attempt to escape her fate.
It's gonna happen, she's gonna rearrange your guts like an origami calendar no matter what you do. So you might as well steer into the skid.
#7: Fia, The Deathbed Companion
Pros: Enjoys some good warm, lifely vigour
Cons: Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton
Reasoning: Fia is rather complex. She supports the downtrodden, cares for those who need her, and seeks to reshape the word into a kinder place...
But she is also full of bugs. And skeletons. And the lifely vigour of many champions. And you are next.
She is a huge creep, but she fucks so good she brings back the dead. You are legally obligated to obey her and partake in the sweet nectar of the Baldachin Blessing at least once before you become a skeleton, even if it results in you becoming a skeleton way faster than anticipated.
#6: Latenna the Albinauric
Pros: Loyal Companion, Loves Dogs
Cons: None, don't you dare say otherwise.
Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Latenna won out against a LOT of other NPCs. She's just a good person with genuinely no faults. Is that boring? Or marriage material? I know my answer.
She hates Gideon, she loves dogs, she wants to put a birthing droplet (cum) in Phillia.
We have so much in common it's crazy.
#5: Rennala, Queen of the Fullmoon
art credit: @chaospyromancy https://www.tumblr.com/chaospyromancy/679194108441608192/rennala-took-the-dog-in-the-divorce?source=share
Pros: Giant depressed bisexual witch lady
Cons: Extremely Divorced
Reasoning: Rennala is the poster child for sexual prowess in the Land's Between. Literally the only feasible way for Radagon to trade up was to marry himself. She can rip a hole in a man's bussy from 50 meters away, and that's WHILE she is depressed.
In her prime, there wouldn't even be a list, because she would have fucked everyone else to death already.
Reasoning: I really didn't expect her to get this high in the rankings. Sellen is mean, she has committed war crimes, she probably holds the same racist beliefs towards albinaurics and misbegotten that the rest of the Carians do, and she made me kill an old man in silly pants.
But I can't say no to her. Could you? My fist has been inside her soul, that's a bond you can't break even after being smashed into a giant ball of screaming mages.
She is the toxic ex who keeps hitting you up whenever your life is finally back on track, only to ruin it the moment she leaves your bedroom. And you'd do it again happily, no matter how many times it happens.
#3: Patches
Pros: He's Patches
Cons: He's Patches
Reasoning: There was originally a different NPC for #3, but Patches stole the position, sorry about that.
Even still, you are already fucking Elden Ring characters. You aren't a real fan if you don't make an exception for him. He's slightly below average in terms of sexual prowess, but I mean... You have to try it out at least once.
#2: Nepheli Loux
Pros: Everything
Cons: Nothing
Reasoning: Nepheli is the most morally upstanding character in Elden Ring. She fights for the little guy, she questions her own morals, she tells Gideon to go blow himself, she apologizes to her enemies, she upholds the values and traditions of a vanished civilization.
Plus she is fucking ripped, and is as close to banging Hoarah Loux you can get while managing to survive afterwards.
There are more compelling characters, more dangerous characters with more dynamic sexual aspects, but Nepheli has literally no drawbacks as a partner. She's more of a hero than the player is, and that's honestly a sexier quality than most people give it credit for.
Is she is a little bit sad? You fool, you absolute fool. Give her a bird and she will come back as a fucking Queen of an entire kingdom.
She's the #1 sexiest Elden Ring Character for a reason. If given the choice between every other NPC, she is the obvious choice and always-
what do you mean I miscounted? She isn't #1? Well the. who the hell is?
#1: Miriel, Pastor of Vows
Pros: Turtle Pope
Cons: Not even gonna consider any.
Reasoning: Not even in a sexual way. He's ascended beyond the need for sex.
But he is our pastor, and all of the NPCs I marry on this list will be officiated by this Turtle. And the consummation of all those marriages will also occur directly in front of him at his request. "All things yearn to be conjoined" indeed.
Rapid-fire list of all the NPC's I'd actually want to marry:
Nepheli Loux
Latenna
Millicent
Yura
Boggart
Melina
Diallos
Blaidd
Roderika
(all of the Valkyrie sisters)
Rogier
Rya
Kalé
Hewg
Boc
Thops
I've noticed that this list was definitely influenced more by "are they a good enough person to justify sex" rather than strictly just "are they hot?"
I guess it's because I genuinely don't find jerks attractive. That might be a healthy mentality, but then again I also made these posts, so stable mental health isn't really something I can claim with much confidence right now.
And it is finished... I can't believe I wrote all of this (i mean I can, i just don't like it.)
If this gets enough likes and reblogs I'll... I don't know, rank all the spirit summons by how long they would survive squid game, or be able to catch Kira, or which degree they would get if they went community college. I'll figure it out when I figure it out.
#cats of tumblr
#lana del rey
#horror movies
#photography
#iron lung
