i really do think we should substitute gacha games instead for like. the random wikipedia article button. gives you the same "yay i got something new and exciting!" feeling without spending any money and you get to learn something new on wikipedia. the problem is that its missing a cute little storage menu where you can see all the links to different articles youve "collected"
I'm trying to get back into creative writing and stuff.
I wanna write a quick Elden fan fic, give me ideas please.
General Concepts:
Millicent x F!Tarnished: hurt/comfort: The Tarnished comfort Millicent while the scarlet rot takes hold, they confess and explore their feelings while there is still time
Radagon x Rennala: first meeting: A negation on the battlefield resullts in two enemies sneaking away to steal a moment together.
Marika x Rennala: angst: Rennala finds out Marika's secret, and despite the hate and betrayal, they spend one last night together.
Rogier x Fia: hurt/Comfort: Rogier seeks release from his pain, and even though she only hastens his fate, he can't keep himself away.
Yura x Elenora: angst: Nearing death, Yura reflects on the warriors bond he shared with Elenora, and the love they used to feel for one another
Needle Knight Leda x M!Tarnished: lovers to enemies: Once compatriots, Leda and the Tarnished meet as enemies, and the clash between them turns violent, then something more, then something worse.
Moonrithyll x Rellanna: pining: The bodyguard and chamberlain to Rellana, Moonrithyll has to watch from a distance as the woman she loves throws her life away chasing Messmer's affections.
M!Tarnished x Messmer: enemies to lovers: After fighting to a standstill, the Tarnished manages to convince Messmer to hear him out, and the two bond over the pain caused by Marika.
Sellen x M!Tarnished: Dom/Sub: Made the new head of Raya Lucaria, Sellen takes her beloved pupil under her wing, and the exploration of the primeval current joins their minds and bodies in horrifically beautiful ways.
F!Tarnished x Nox Warriors: corruption: Beaten and bloodied, the Tarnished is nursed back to health by many Nox warriors, and succumbs to the addictive pull of the false night and silver blood.
Godfrey x Marika: Angst: Divested of everything that made him human, Godfrey and Marika indulge in their mutual hatred and need for one another.
Lanya x Diallos: alternate ending: Surviving to lead him through his journey, Lanya and Diallos settle in Jarburg, and pursue a gentler world hand in hand.
Elden Ring Pairing/Theme poll.
Millicent x F!Tarnished: hurt/comfort
Radagon x Rennala: first meeting
Marika x Rennala: angst
Rogier x Fia: hurt/Comfort
Yura x Elenora: angst
Needle Knight Leda x M!Tarnished: lovers to enemies
Moonrithyll x Rellanna: pining
M!Tarnished x Messmer: enemies to lovers
Sellen x M!Tarnished: Dom/Sub
F!Tarnished x Nox Warriors: corruption
Godfrey x Marika: Angst
Lanya x Diallos: alternate ending
Voting ended onAug 18, 2025
Genuinely curious if some short fic writings would be worth posting here and I would appreciate feedback
Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 4 of 4
THE TOP 10 MOST FUCKABLE
Why are we here just to suffer?
Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Time for the top 10 finalists, place your last bets now. I think it's obvious what my preferences are.
#10: Millicent
Pros: Badass Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is rotting a little, but not a deal breaker
Reasoning: What is there to say? She's cool, she's tough, she's honorable, she has the pride to hold onto herself even in death. She fights by our side, she sees us an equal. She has just a hint of crazy in her, but not enough to end up killing me. She's like a travel sized Melania but less likely to stab me with anything I don't consent to being stabbed with.
Peak lesbian warrior woman, I am down on my knees for her. For sexual purposes? To propose? Why not both?
#9: Iron Fist Alexander
Pros: Perfection personified.
Cons: Technically not fuckable.
Reasoning: I don't think Alexander is capable of sex. When it comes to livign Jar biology, the clay seems to be their actual body. The innards are kinda incidental. They can seemingly removed and add them as they see fit, and can exist just fine without them.
Alexander wouldn't want to engage in sex even if offered. He'd probably laugh and say something like "Ah ha! I've heard of this sort of thing between you and your compatriots. A melding of flesh and emotion as it were? Ha ha! Not unlike our innards I bet! I wouldn't bother with such behavior, it's unbecoming of a warrior such as I. Besides, that kind of melding seems to be far less permanent than ours."
However, I am certain that he would let me fuck someone else inside him. He wouldn't even bat an eye, he'd just enjoy the experience of two warriors bonding inside him. "Quite a display of trust to include me in such an intimate little tarry! Hah ha! How wondrous!"
#8: Lunar Princess Ranni
Pros: Mean Sexy Evil Witch Lady Who Kills God
Cons: "Are we the baddies?"
Reasoning: I didn't want Ranni to end up this high on the list. She technically can't have sex since she is a doll puppet, and doesn't seem particularly interested anyway.
But I mean... she's the daughter of Radagon and Rennala, two of the horniest most bisexual characters in the entire FromSoft catalogue. (only surpassed by Marika, who is also Radagon.)
If she was in her original red-haired 8 foot tall body, she would literally clench and rip your dick off in a millisecond. She'd bend you over and fuck you so hard your spine would be curled into a pretzel.
No matter how fuckable she was in the past, we have to come to terms with the fact that she is pretty evil. She gets a lot of innocent people killed in her "ends justify the means" methodology. (Her means are pretty good, I mean, killing the Greater Will benefits literally everybody.) But we can't overlook just how many innocents she tramples underfoot. She allies with Rykrad, abuses Albinaurics, and creates the Deathblight plague in her attempt to escape her fate.
It's gonna happen, she's gonna rearrange your guts like an origami calendar no matter what you do. So you might as well steer into the skid.
#7: Fia, The Deathbed Companion
Pros: Enjoys some good warm, lifely vigour
Cons: Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton
Reasoning: Fia is rather complex. She supports the downtrodden, cares for those who need her, and seeks to reshape the word into a kinder place...
But she is also full of bugs. And skeletons. And the lifely vigour of many champions. And you are next.
She is a huge creep, but she fucks so good she brings back the dead. You are legally obligated to obey her and partake in the sweet nectar of the Baldachin Blessing at least once before you become a skeleton, even if it results in you becoming a skeleton way faster than anticipated.
#6: Latenna the Albinauric
Pros: Loyal Companion, Loves Dogs
Cons: None, don't you dare say otherwise.
Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Latenna won out against a LOT of other NPCs. She's just a good person with genuinely no faults. Is that boring? Or marriage material? I know my answer.
She hates Gideon, she loves dogs, she wants to put a birthing droplet (cum) in Phillia.
We have so much in common it's crazy.
#5: Rennala, Queen of the Fullmoon
art credit: @chaospyromancy https://www.tumblr.com/chaospyromancy/679194108441608192/rennala-took-the-dog-in-the-divorce?source=share
Pros: Giant depressed bisexual witch lady
Cons: Extremely Divorced
Reasoning: Rennala is the poster child for sexual prowess in the Land's Between. Literally the only feasible way for Radagon to trade up was to marry himself. She can rip a hole in a man's bussy from 50 meters away, and that's WHILE she is depressed.
In her prime, there wouldn't even be a list, because she would have fucked everyone else to death already.
Reasoning: I really didn't expect her to get this high in the rankings. Sellen is mean, she has committed war crimes, she probably holds the same racist beliefs towards albinaurics and misbegotten that the rest of the Carians do, and she made me kill an old man in silly pants.
But I can't say no to her. Could you? My fist has been inside her soul, that's a bond you can't break even after being smashed into a giant ball of screaming mages.
She is the toxic ex who keeps hitting you up whenever your life is finally back on track, only to ruin it the moment she leaves your bedroom. And you'd do it again happily, no matter how many times it happens.
#3: Patches
Pros: He's Patches
Cons: He's Patches
Reasoning: There was originally a different NPC for #3, but Patches stole the position, sorry about that.
Even still, you are already fucking Elden Ring characters. You aren't a real fan if you don't make an exception for him. He's slightly below average in terms of sexual prowess, but I mean... You have to try it out at least once.
#2: Nepheli Loux
Pros: Everything
Cons: Nothing
Reasoning: Nepheli is the most morally upstanding character in Elden Ring. She fights for the little guy, she questions her own morals, she tells Gideon to go blow himself, she apologizes to her enemies, she upholds the values and traditions of a vanished civilization.
Plus she is fucking ripped, and is as close to banging Hoarah Loux you can get while managing to survive afterwards.
There are more compelling characters, more dangerous characters with more dynamic sexual aspects, but Nepheli has literally no drawbacks as a partner. She's more of a hero than the player is, and that's honestly a sexier quality than most people give it credit for.
Is she is a little bit sad? You fool, you absolute fool. Give her a bird and she will come back as a fucking Queen of an entire kingdom.
She's the #1 sexiest Elden Ring Character for a reason. If given the choice between every other NPC, she is the obvious choice and always-
what do you mean I miscounted? She isn't #1? Well the. who the hell is?
#1: Miriel, Pastor of Vows
Pros: Turtle Pope
Cons: Not even gonna consider any.
Reasoning: Not even in a sexual way. He's ascended beyond the need for sex.
But he is our pastor, and all of the NPCs I marry on this list will be officiated by this Turtle. And the consummation of all those marriages will also occur directly in front of him at his request. "All things yearn to be conjoined" indeed.
Rapid-fire list of all the NPC's I'd actually want to marry:
Nepheli Loux
Latenna
Millicent
Yura
Boggart
Melina
Diallos
Blaidd
Roderika
(all of the Valkyrie sisters)
Rogier
Rya
Kalé
Hewg
Boc
Thops
I've noticed that this list was definitely influenced more by "are they a good enough person to justify sex" rather than strictly just "are they hot?"
I guess it's because I genuinely don't find jerks attractive. That might be a healthy mentality, but then again I also made these posts, so stable mental health isn't really something I can claim with much confidence right now.
And it is finished... I can't believe I wrote all of this (i mean I can, i just don't like it.)
If this gets enough likes and reblogs I'll... I don't know, rank all the spirit summons by how long they would survive squid game, or be able to catch Kira, or which degree they would get if they went community college. I'll figure it out when I figure it out.
Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Bangability. PART 3 of 4
We are almost there guys, just stick with me... this is the final stretch until the top 10.
Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Welcome back, time to resume trucking our way across the Land's Between.
#36: Lanya
Pros: Honestly, she's such a little tomboy.
Cons: Is dead
Reasoning: If Lanya had stayed alive during the course of the game, she would have 100% cracked Diallos's egg and the two of them would be living their best lives as a she/they lesbian couple in Jarburg. You cannot prove me wrong on this, you know in your heart that I am right.
#35: Lightseeker Hyetta
Pros: Crazy (In a hot way)
Cons: Is a possessed corpse who wants to burn the entire world.
Reasoning: This is specifically the Hyetta at the end of her questline. At the start, she is too naive and uncertain to be a good lover. After accepting her role as the maiden of the Three Fingers... she is STILL not a good lover.
But she is fucking crazy.
She will ride you while you feed her pus filled eyeballs, she will probably grow tendril/mushroom-like growths out of her skin that she wraps you up in like a spider. She will scream and chant in multiple horrible cacophonous voices while she clenches in an orgasms that spews boiling frenzy juices upon your skin where it promptly blisters, pops and then heals over only to blister again in the blink of an eye. The light of a frenyflame stone will dance across your conjoining skin, healing the damage she does to your body long enough to survive this madding mating ritual, but just barely.
You will probably die. But I mean... if you are already going for the Frenzied Flame ending, you two might as well have a rigorous-end-of-the-world-fuck-fest™ where you violate all laws of nature and human decency.
#34: Mad Tongue Alberich
Pros: Stylish, Polite, Heretic
Cons: Is actively turning into stone.
Reasoning: This guy might come across as pretty evil at the start of the game, but time will prove him right. The roundtable hold isn't exactly a paragon of virtue, and the hideous transformation caused by his devotion to the Blood Star is forgivable. I mean after all, he's called "Mad Tongue" for a reason if you know what I mean.
I mean that he's good at oral sex. And if his polite bow during your honorable duel is anything to go by, he doesn't let you leave until you have both finished. It's the only honorable way.
#33: Tanith's Knight
Pros: Big old throat sack, Heretic.
Cons: Simp.
Reasoning: As stated in my boss fuckability post, the Crucible Knights are disciples of Hoarah Loux, the most sexually dominate man to ever walk the Land's between. They also have animalistic crucible powers, capable of growing animalistic body parts to aid in battle or the bedroom.
But these guys can also harsh the vibes pretty severely. At least Tanith's knight has the decency to go against the Erdtree and hitch his cart to a sexier (albeit doomed) horse like the Recusants.
#32: Great Horned Tragoth.
Pros: A really decent upstanding Guy
Cons: A little boring.
Reasoning: Don't get me wrong, Tragoth is super chill. He intentionally goes out of his way to avoid the main quest and assist other Tarnished along the way. He's stalwart and reliable, and too tough for Patches to handle (Although that's not too impressive an accomplishment, considering that Patches would surrender to a sufficiently aggressive pigeon.)
But he must have done something to piss off the Volcano Manor, which either means he's:
A: A good enough warrior that they want Rykard to eat and absorb him.
B: still loyal to the Golden Order, which is lame as hell.
#31: Smithing Master Hewg
Pros: Good Dad, Good Blacksmith, Good Dude
Cons: Self hating, a little senile.
Reasoning: Oh Hewg, oh how I love thee. He is a dependable ally, kind to others, non-judgemental and hardworking. He takes in Roderika, builds her confidence and basically becomes her adopted dad with the only hesitation coming from him not believing he is good enough for her. He is living proof that the Golden Order is a bunch of big fat dumb racists. They claim that those lesser like the Misbegotten are just vile animals worthy of genocide... but like, that's my buddy you're talking about, that's my boy Hewg. I will fucking stab you in the face before speaking an ill word about Hewg.
Now let me speak an ill word about Hewg.
He is getting a little too old for a serious sexual relationship. He's too wrapped up in his self destructive oath to pursue his own happiness. That makes me feel bad for him, and I am left to dream of a time long past where I could have sucked his balls out through his urethra like i'm drinking boba tea.
#30: Merchant Kalé
Pros: Is a loyal hardworking friend
Cons: Is 'THIS' close to snapping.
Reasoning: Kalé is a great guy. He takes care of us, offers us important items, supplies us with as many throwing knives as we need, and points us in the right direction without asking anything in return...
But sometimes we do get late night texts from him talking about how "he's really gonna do it this time."
He's got some anger issue, or perhaps some frenzied flame issues. And that does put a bit of a damper on our relationship.
#29: Juno Hoslow, Knight of Blood
Pros: A noble and kind warrior
Cons: Kind of a loser, is ugly.
Reasoning: Juno Hoslow is pretty hot as long as he keeps that mask on. He is the golden boy of house Hoslow, and instead of reveling in it, he seemed to genuinely care about his baby brother, and didn't rub his status in his face.
But he also ended up dying in an abandoned shack in the middle of a desolate frozen tundra following a doomed quest. A sad end to all the hopes placed on him by house Hoslow.
Also I looked up all the NPCs without masks while making this list. Have you seen what Juno Looks like? Unfortunately, he's kinda ugly.
#28: Maureen, Second Sister
Pros: Crazy Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is in a cult, wants to commit parricide.
Reasoning: So... all of the Scarlet Valkyries are fucking smoke shows. Even if they are all rotting and loyal to a piece of shit like Gowry, a warrior woman is a warrior woman.
They are all pretty crazy, in both a sexy and unsexy manner.
If they weren't all trying to kill Millicent, they would be perfect.
Maureen is my least favorite, probably because I personally don't like the treespear much. But King Arthur still couldn't pull me out.
#27: Pollyanna, Youngest Sister
Pros: Crazy Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is in a cult, wants to commit parricide.
Reasoning: I get good vibes off of Pollyanna. She is willing to help you fight Commander O'Neil, and has the wherewithal to use incantations and strategy.
She is the youngest, and possibly the most naïve of the group, but she seems feisty. I can forgive her for using a gross spell like Pest Threads, since I like it when women are able to shoot white sticky- I can't even finish that joke in good conscience but you can see where I was going with that.
#26: Mary, Eldest Sister
Pros: Crazy Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is in a cult, wants to commit parricide.
Reasoning: As the oldest, I think she is the most mature and in command. She can probably step on me and push me around but in a nice way. She is also fully blind but can use the Halo Scythe with deadly proficiency, that shows training and dedication. I think she would be cool to hang out with, even if she might be a tad controlling.
#25: Amy, Third Sister
Pros: Crazy Valkyrie warrior woman.
Cons: Is in a cult, wants to commit parricide.
Reasoning: Amy just has the fucking sauce you know? Every screenshot of her looks like she's the protagonist of her own anime. If I we assume that each sister isn't simply a brainwashed clone, I think Amy has the most potential to become her own person.
She has TWO of the flowing curved swords. We the player can only find one per playthrough. How many of these swords exist in the world? An ancient symbol of the blind swordsman who sealed away the Outer God of Rot... why does Gowry let her fight with these? Does he know? I feel like she can break out of Gowry's control if the situation allows.
Basically, I can fix her.
#24: Rya/Zorayas the Scout.
Pros: A wonderful little snake
Cons: Still on her quest of self discovery
Reasoning: Rya is such a good person. She genuinely believes in people, sees good in the world, and holds herself accountable for faults that are not her own. Lady Tanith, who literally feeds heroes to a giant god devouring serpent, can't bring herself to even make Rya cry.
While not the sexiest NPC on the list, she is one of the most "romancable" ones. She would be so happy to find love with a person she trusts, going to bed every night, her long body constricting around her partner content and warm.
But much like Boc, she also needs some time to grow as a person before she is emotionally ready for a relationship. And yes... she can also do better than you.
#23: Sorcerer Rogier
Pros: Kind, Brave, Submissive, Breedable
Cons: Is filled with insects.
Reasoning: Rogier has a lot of interesting dialogue most players miss. Finding the hidden Black Knife assassin, meeting Ranni or progressing Fia's quest tends to skip over a lot of his characterization. He is a pretty honorable man, inquisitive, forgiving, and most importantly, willing to challenge the established order in the spirit of compassion.
He also seems to very much be a bottom, from how easily Fia sexually manipulates him. With little effort, you too can sexually manipulate this man. He IS filled with bugs, but that shouldn't stop you from filling him with something more pleasant.
#22: Dolores the Slumbering Arrow
Pros: A bad bitch
Cons: Is a mind controlled puppet.
Reasoning: An oft overlooked NPC, Dolores haunts the narrative more than you might realize. She was possibly the lover of either Gideon or Selivus, and was tricked into becoming a puppet. But she was evidently a bad bitch back in her day. She is a follower of St. Trina, and pretty everyone loyal to St. Trina is DEEPLY fuckable. She was also able to stand up to Gideon (not a hard thing to do actually, he has no willpower) and potentially kicked his ass back in the day.
I miss my wife, I miss her a lot.
#21: Witch Hunter Jerren
Pros: A man of great resolve
Cons: Witches deserve better.
Reasoning: Jerren is pretty hot. A loyal knight, a brilliant strategist, incredibly gay if his fashion sense is anything to go off of. He has a great deal of honor, and works hard to do the right thing.
But I'm not sure he ever justifies why killing Sellen is the right thing. Maybe he wasn't aware that Sellen's quest to take over Raya Lucaria would ultimately fail, but come on man. So she committed a bit of heresy, god forbid if woman has hobbies.
#20: Eleonora, Violet Bloody Finger
Pros: Crazy hot drake warrior.
Cons: Blood crazed hot drake warrior.
Reasoning: Much like Vyke's Maiden, Elonora is another "woman so hot that men are driven to lustfully madden quests of self destruction to win her back"
She seems like a severe badass, and the only thing better than banging Yura, is banging his crazy ex-wife.
Although blood crazed, I have a theory that Eleonora isn't as insane as she comes across. She has the purifying crystal needed to defeat Mohg, she is a "violet" bloody finger, an odd color choice, and she is the only bloody finger to NOT have the mark of Mohg on her face.
I think she was driven mad by Dragon Communion, not the lord of blood. Maybe her mind has gone to the point where she only remembers her and Yura's quest to eliminate the Bloody Fingers, and now can only pursue it out of animal instinct.
Long story short: we were denied a threesome with her and Yura, either in the bedroom, or the battlefield.
#19: Roderika The Spirit Tuner
Pros: A gentle soul blossoming into a strong woman
Cons: Self Hating, a little Naïve.
Reasoning: I have a lot of faith in Roderika. She started out in such a low place, but through the love of others and the compassion she fostered in others, she developed into a person brave enough to die for a good cause.
Normally, I'd rank her lower, she falls into the same category as Boc and Rya. Rather young characters who are not emotionally equipped for a complex sexual relationship.
But as stated before, I have a lot of Faith in her.
I fully believe that if Roderika manages to escape the burning Roundtable, she would go on to mature into a powerful and brave spirit tuner...
And probably gain the ability to ascend to some higher spiritual plane where she can mind meld with the dead and re-live their experiences. She would gain SO much knowledge and emotional clarity... and when she is finally ready to have sex, she would act all sweet and innocent at first, then without warning unleash a thousands years of sexual experiences upon you in a gigantic blast of spiritual energy. You'd cum while being wiped from existence and your mind scattered to the far edges of the cosmos, and you'd LOVE IT.
#18: Recusant Bernahl
Pros: Daddy
Cons: Tiny bit of a crazed fanatic
Reasoning: In terms of just "regular human dudes." Bernahl is close to the top of the list. He's tall, he's hot, he's understanding, he's just a little glint of crazy in his eyes.
You can kill his lord and he'll just forgive you and move on. He has a ton going on under the surface, never revealing his true motivations, not even up until the end. He does seem to stand in your way on his own quest of fanatical devotion, but that's like, barely even a rude gesture in the context of this world. He's worth it, fuck him as many times as you can manage, and then fuck him six to eighteen times more for good measure.
#17: Blaidd The Half Wolf
Pros: A good boy
Cons: Not as sexy as everyone thinks he is.
Reasoning: This will be a controversial take, but I don't think Blaidd is all THAT fuckable. Don't get me wrong now, he's #17 for a reason. He's reliable, he's tragic, he's tough, he's a giant wolf man capable of folding you in half.
But Blaidd always gave me kinda asexual vibes. He seems very uninterested in romance or even extreme passion. His most emotional moments are in relation to Ranni, whom he genuinely seems to see fully as a sister and nothing else. He is polite but mostly professional to the player, and doesn't even seem all tht homoerotically antagonistic towards his enemies like Darriwil.
He comes across to me personally as casually uninterested in sex.
But if he WASN'T.
Oh lord.
#16: Diallos Hoslow
Pros: So goddamn breedable you can get him pregnant from looking at him too sternly.
Cons: Needs to complete a character arc first.
Reasoning: I really firmly love this twink.
Diallos struggles to be a good person, he fails and he fails and he learns to accept it. He lets go of his revenge, and his family duties all to accept the humble role as Jarburg's Potentate.
He gives up all chances for glory and acclaim to protect the most downtrodden members of society and dies protecting those he can.
Let me smash that twink, let me smash him now.
#15: Tanith, Proprietress of the Volcano Manor
Pros: A good Mom
Cons: A terrible Person
Reasoning: Tanith is a really interesting character. Her character arc is frustratingly unfinished in a sense, which i feel is half the point. Instead of leaving with Rya, or embracing her past as Patches suggests, she resigns herself to the long and horrible task of eating Rykard's body.
Even before that, was implied to be one of the dancers of Ranah, having seduced and schemed all the way up into the graces of a demigod. While I have half a mind to believe that she is actually Daedicar (flayed skin so she wears a mask, might be ashamed to admit she is Rya's biological mother, so distances herself by lying about the adoption.) She is just as interesting as a stand alone character. Even after all she endured, and the pain she went through to care for Rya, she does not waver from her goal of overthrowing the Erdtree. That takes commitment.
And even factoring in how she tricks heroes into becoming fuel for her lord, she STILL can get it.
Any human who can sexually satisfy one of the crazy and lustful children of Marika must be fucking INSANE in bed. I honestly fear some of the positions this woman can bend herself into.
#14: Kindling Maiden Melina
Pros: The only motherfucker in this city who can handle me.
Cons: A little judgemental, is a ghost.
Reasoning: It's really sad how many people don't vibe with Melina. I have always stood by the idea that Melina would feel more pivotal to the plot if she appeared every-time you sat down at a site of grace.
She stands by us our whole journey, through thick and thin, and if she felt like a consistent presence throughout the game, losing her at the mountaintop of the giants would have felt so much more painful, seeing the empty spot where she had once been.
I really like Melina, she's a little weird, she's creepy, she holds a genuine belief in the good of humanity. I also feel that if she had a body, or manner of interacting with the physical world, (which she arguably does, how else could she hand us torrents whistle, or touch us to level up?) She would be just as sexually aggressive as her dear old mother.
She would drain us dry before we could even react. Playing the role of a finger maiden indeed, and playing it well.
#13: Blackguard Big Boggart
Pros: Never met someone with a taste for prawn I couldn't trust.
Cons: Stinky
Reasoning: Boggart is bro who has my back, and he's the definitive bad boy of Elden Ring. He has a sketchy past, but is still a good guy. He might rob the occasional passerby, but in context, that's not even a blip compared to some of the genocidal maniacs on this list.
He looks out for me, he feeds me shellfish, he has a sense of humor.
I can overlook his dirty clothes and unkempt demeanor, We are in this together, and by 'this' I mean each other's assholes. Honestly one of the few NPCs that is marriage material.
#12: Bloody Finger Hunter Yura
Pros: Daddy
Cons: None
Reasoning: See Okina? THIS is what a samurai is.
Sword? Sharpened.
Hat? Big.
Voice? Gravely
Beard? Unkempt
Sex appeal? Off the charts.
The sex would be as fearsome as it is majestic.
#11: Phillia, Towering Little Sister
Pros: LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
Cons: LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
Reasoning:
LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
LET THE BIRTHING DROPLET IN (cum)
what else can I say, she's a giant woman in need of a birthing droplet (cum)
Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 2 of 4
God this post is still going. Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Buckle up, we are fucking some Elden Ring NPCs.
#65: Brother Corhyn
Reasoning: This is your shitty highschool boyfriend. He's entitled, he's whinny, he's a virgin, he's got a cool older guy who talks about more than his girlfriend. He is a literal banished heretic but he still refuses to acknowledge that his own religion is fake. Even Goldmask could admit to that. Dude has no backbone, and thus no back to blow out.
Pros: Is not an active murderer.
Cons: God the bar is low.
#64: Bloody Finger Ravenmount Assassin
Reasoning: I like his style, and I MIGHT consider a romp or two with him. But even if he isn't directly rolling around in the blood-poop swamp, ya don't wash that stink off easily.
Pros: Is a cool goth dude.
Cons: Is in the blood-poop cult.
#63: Anastasia, Tarnished-Eater
Reasoning: Look... she's a buff mean cannibal lady. Normally thats a free pass, but she culturally appropriates the worst aspects of the Bonny Village Hornsent, and she scams tarnished by dressing up as a maiden and then eating them. By the rules of this hypothetical, she would be willing to bang... but then she'd kill me. I have to to think about this one for a while, because I am still not fully sure if it is worth it. Come back to me on this one.
Pros: She wants to eat me (sexy)
Cons: She wants to eat me (crime)
#62: Castellan Edgar
Pros: Is a normal dude, possibly a decent dad.
Cons: Is kinda crazy, is kinda racist.
#61: Recusant Henricus
Reasoning: If you overlook the whole "enslaved the misbegotten, tortured and killed them, then went crazy and started eating people" thing, he is a normal semi-hot dude.
But ya know... DON'T overlook that.
Reasoning: He's a players first encounter with the Recusants outside of Berhnal, and his fire-hammer has some pizzazz. But he works for the biggest loser in the lands between, disqualified.
Pros: Fights the Erdtree, looks cool.
Cons: Double Agent (sexy) for Gideon Ofnir (not sexy)
#60: D, Beholder of Death
Reasoning: I am not fond of D and his brother. They are hated by the golden order but still work for them, they disrespect my sweet baby boy Rogier, and D ultimately kills Fia, who literally did nothing wrong (except all that stuff she did.) The fact that I want to put MORE armor and clothes on this guy is a BAD sign.
Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight
Cons: Hates to see a girlboss winning.
#59: Magnus the Beast Claw
Reasoning: This guy was added in a patch I am pretty sure has zero lore. He uses the great stars, has a beast motif and uses the clawmark seal, so MAYBE he works with Gurranq, but he is also wearing the ancestral follower armor, uses the redmane skill Lionclaw, AND the pages hood? It's called thematic cohesion dude, get your life together.
Pros: None
Cons: Might be crazy? Has poor fashion souls.
#58: Adan Thief of Fire
Reasoning: I respect Adan for going against the fire guardians, those guys are posers. But he got caught, and he has really poor fashion sense. I might spend an evening in his evergaol, but I won't be spending the whole night.
Pros: Committed Heresy.
Cons: Poor followthrough.
#57: Old Knight Istvan
Reasoning: Here he is, the middle of the list (thematically, not literally) He is a net zero in both sexy and unsexy. He's just a guy. There is possible speculation about his lore, since the scaled armor seems like a stone lizard reference or perhaps a link to Farum Azula, and he uses the dismounter and gravitas, maybe linking him to the Onyx Lords or the Kaiden Bandits...
Pros: Literally just a guy
Cons: Literally just a guy
But i shit you not all items referencing him just call him "Istvan is one of a few wizened Tarnished who survive to this day." So he is old and he is alive. Fantastic characterization.
This list has been very negative because a lot of characters are morally repugnant, so there must be a turning point where the NPCs finally become truly fuckable. So here he is. True Neutral, plain yogurt, unbuttered toast, reaction YouTuber, middle child, outsourced accountant HR rep, Marvel Spinoff, Tech startup, True crime documentary released before there was a guilty verdict, BORING.
He gets one fuck, and THAT'S IT.
#56: Jarwight
Reasoning: If this guy wasn't a mind controlled puppet, he might be interesting. Anyone who is a friend the Jars is a friend of mine... but that doesn't necessarily require nudity. He isn't all there, but he means well. I guess I would have sex with him inside a Jar if we had the Jar's consent ahead of time, I bet he'd be into that.
Pros: Loves the Jars.
Cons: Is a puppet.
#55: Irina
Reasoning: I think in a perfect world, Irina could outgrow the racist and controlling nature of her father. I think she could develop her own identity and unlearn her hatred of the misbegotten. In a perfect world she might be a decent romantic partner for someone willing to walk her through all of that.
Pros: Is a normal woman.
Cons: Is slightly racist.
But this is not a perfect world.
#54: The Tarnished's Maiden
Reasoning: Who was she? She waited for us for so long, and she died with hope in her heart. She left behind a message for us with her dying breath, "Though the path be broken and uncertain, claim your place as Elden Lord!"
Pros: Is loyal, determined, brave and kind.
Cons: Is dead.
She still believed in us until her dying breath. Perhaps she would have walked the path alongside us... perhaps she was a freak and things would have gotten weird, anything could happen in today's economy.
#53: War Counselor Iji
Reasoning: As a certified and board recognized monster-fucker™ I would normally be into big troll men. But Iji is proven wrong by the narrative, and his ego lead to a bunch of assumptions and mistakes that allowed Selevus to interfere, and Blaidd to die. I don't think he's any better in bed than he is in a war room.
Pros: Is a cool wise old Troll.
Cons: Is a bad war counselor.
#52: Old Albus
Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Old Albus made it higher on the list than expected. He's old, his legs are rotting off, his blood is made of quick silver, and he is actively as I write this post, dying. But he's a really nice dude, and a scrappy little survivor to have escaped Gideon's massacre. Plus I trust Latenna, and she vouches for him. I can see myself giving this guy a handjob, and frankly you should too, but be quick about it, he is dying. If we work together we can make it in time, follow my lead.
Pros: Polite
Cons: Currently Dying
#51: D, Hunter of the Dead
Reasoning: I ranked his twin a lot lower because he kills Fia, and serves the same religious order that actively discriminates against him. But D Classic-Flavor™ at least has a bit more pathos about him. He is conflicted about some of his actions, goes out of his way to help us, and seems to have had a moderately nuanced relationship with Rogier at some point. His twin however, is too trigger happy. D has at least the self restraint to let me plow him.
Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight
Cons: Is the reason a girlboss is winning.
#50: THE EVER BRILLIANT GOLDMASK
Reasoning: Look, Goldmask wouldn't normally be this high on anyone's "hear-me-out" list, but out of all the Golden Order followers, literally ONLY Goldmask is willing to make a callout post on his twitter dot com about how Radagon is a bitch ass motherfucker.
Pros: Has the decentcy to admit when he's wrong.
Cons: Is a fanatical zombie.
He has some guts, so I would be fine rearranging his.
#49: Volcano Manor Spirit
Reasoning: Why the fuck is this guy so high on the list? I'll tell you why. He is a Recusant who has the capacity to experience regret. The other Recusants are actually pretty chill, especially with how quickly they forgive you for killing Rykard. But this guy actually forsook his oath to do the right thing. Literally like 2 other people so far on this list had the courage to do that. If he was still alive, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Pros: Has a moral code at bare minimum
Cons: Is a ghost.
#48: Vargram the Raging Wolf
Reasoning: Considering how marketable a lot of the "poster" characters are in fromsoft games, You'd think this guy would have more of a presence in the narrative. But he really doesn't. That leaves a lot of his personality up for speculation. He's a tarnished, he works with the roundtable hold, but he also admires the Empyeran's shadows, but also seems aligned with the much cooler Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm, but also seemingly betrayed Wilhem and yet uses the GodSlayer Greatsword from the Godskins and Gloam-eyed-queen?
Pros: Seems Cool
Cons: Seems like a Douche.
He is a bit of an enigma. He could be a really cool badass knight on the ups and downs of a heroes journey, but he could also be a huge dick who probably doesn't have a huge dick.
#47: Moongrum, Carian Knight
Pros: Cool magic knight
Cons: Slightly Racist.
#46: Preceptor Miriam
Reasoning: The Carian Knights are badasses, no one is gonna deny that. They have cool armor, cool weapons, cool battle arts...
But going forward, its gonna be pretty obvious that all Carians are kinda racist... They all kinda hate Albinaurics and passively endorse a lot of the persecution perpetrated by the Golden Order.
Moongrum is still worth it, just don't expect anything longterm. He lacks empathy.
Pros: Librarian GILF
Cons: Coward
#45: Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm
Reasoning: Oddly enough, I kinda like Miriam in concept. Shes an elderly mage who protects a big magic upsidedown library and uses a magic bow and teleportation spells. I think she would be a decent lover, with some nights spent pouring over books with a hot cup of tea, both of us snuggled up under a warm blanket...
But in practice she is an asshole. Get back here, I need you in stabbing/kissing range and you keep vanishing on me. We talked about this Miriam, your intimacy issues are tearing us apart.
Pros: Well meaning, mysterious
Cons: Misguided
#44: Kenneth Haight
Reasoning: There might be a tiny bit more than meets the eye with Wilhelm, he seemingly went against the Roundtable at some point, and has at least a passing (if not condescending) respect for Demi-humans, as evident by his work in the Hermit Village.
But he might be a bit of an idiot, the lore is ambiguous but he was lured into some sort of trap by Vargram, and we don't know enough about their personal drama to properly get in the middle of it all.
Pros: He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit.
Cons: Haughty, slightly racist.
#43: Festing Fingerprint Vyke
Reasoning: It's weird how this guy is equal parts asshole and genuinely chill. He's condescending to the Demi-humans but also attempts to broker peace with them. He is loyal to the Golden Order but is also willing to support those who defy the Order's doctrine. I think he honestly believes in the concept of "royalty", both in the sense of superiority to those without royal blood, but also in the responsibility that is expected from royalty in exchange for that superiority. He even willingly steps aside to let a better ruler than him lead Limgrave into a better future. Plus he is bitchy and shit talks everyone so we can bond over that.
I would grant him succor, oh lord I would grant him succor.
Reasoning: Vyke is an interesting dude. He's essentially the protagonist of Elden Ring who failed right before reaching the endgame. I like how his failure was very human, and very understandable. He still got scammed upsettingly easily, and ended up meeting his fate on the road he took to avoid it. He's probably mad with grief and violent, but I think you could get some hate fucking out of him in the right situation. It'd be pretty hot, even if he cries during and oozes frenzied goop out of his eyes instead of tears.
Pros: Heroic, Crazy (in a hot way.)
Cons: Tragic, Crazy (in a not hot way.)
#42: Vyke's Maiden
Reasoning: What must her pussy game have been like if destroying the whole world was worth keeping it popping? One can only imagine.
Pros: Is worth burning the entire world for.
Cons: Is dead.
#41: Finger Reader Enia
Reasoning: Enia can still get it. She is warm and helpful to the player, she seems to have her wits about her and is eager to assist us on our journey. She might seem like a devout mouthpiece of the Two Fingers, but once they go silent, it seems like she knows more than she is letting on. The way she nudges us toward burning the Erdtree, and the causal way she forgives us for a "cardinal sin" shows that she can make decisions outside the purview of the Two Fingers. Me and her could definitely get a stew going.
Pros: GILF, seems a little impish
Cons: Serves the Golden Order(possibly?)
#40: Sorcerer Thops
Pros: Friendly, Submissive, Breedable.
Cons: A sad sack.
#39: Gurranq, Beast Clergyman
Reasoning: Thops is a diamond in the rough. If you were picking a lover from JUST the normal unproblematic NPCs of Elden Ring, Thops is a decent pick. He supports Sellen even after her defiance of Raya Lucaria, he has reasonable expectations of himself and his abilities. He only asks for 10 runes in exchange for help, and he is eager to prove himself.
But he is definitely a downer, and definitely a bottom.
So you gotta Top Thops.
Reasoning: As stated in my boss fuckabity ranking. Gurrang/Maliketh is HYPOTHETICALLY a sex machine. He has all the necessary monster-fucker monster qualifications, but he is wracked with guilt and self loathing. He is too busy repenting for a sin he didn't commit, and simping for goddess who will never love him back. He's tragic, but just a little too tragic to be worth it.
Pros: Badass Furry Fucklord
Cons: Catholic.
#38: Lionel the Lionhearted
Pros: A well meaning and heroic dude.
Cons: Bit of an Incest kink.
#37: Boc the Golden Seamster
Reasoning: Lionel is a weird guy to try and pin down. Both literally and metaphorically. (You just slide right off his round armor if you try and grab him)
He turned from his holy mission and swore loyalty to Fia, which is a pretty noble endevor considering how much the Golden Order hates her and all those Who Live in Death.
But as I will specify once we get to Fia... you ain't swearing loyalty to Fia without some freaky shit going down in the deathbedroom.
The fact that he is doing weird deathbed companion stuff with someone he sees as a daughter figure is pretty suspect if you think about it.
Pros: My Perfect Little Boy
Cons: He's not emotionally ready for a relationship
Continued in Part 3: ->
Reasoning: Boc is such a nice person. He tries his best, he makes mistakes and keeps going, and he has such a dapper little hat. In a game with so many Lords and Knights and Nobility, it's refreshing to meet a guy whose entire goal is just "I want to learn how to sew."
But he's not in the best headspace to explore sex and relationships. My little buddy needs time and healing. And honestly, once he's ready, he can do so much better than you.
Okay, i found you cause of the elden ring dlc fuckability list. Then i read the other one because 90% YOU'RE RIGHT!! HOWEVER
Where is Blaidd?! Where is Kalé?! I NEED TO KNOW! Are there more lists and i missed them??? CAN YOU DO THIS FOR OTHER FROMSOFT GAMES????
Ask and ye shall receive BECOME BESOTTED BY A THOUSAND CURSES.
For the record I used a pairwise website to rank every single NPC (and invader) in the base game against one another, which was 91 NPCs for a total of 4,095 cross references I had to make. It took 2 days back to back to go through them all. I hope you're happy. (I am. I got to think about Elden Ring character's fucking for 2 days straight. I do that for fun already. I ain't even getting paid.)
Here we go. We are:
Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 1 of 4
The rules for this one are a little different. This was more of a "who'd be a better partner" tournament where I compared two NPCs at a time, and ranked them by total point value.
This is both my personal subjective opinion on who is the most fuckable, and also objective inarguable reality because I am always right.
I'll rank every NPC and give them PROS and CONS of dating/banging them.
Most of my major turn offs are usually:
How stinky they are. (come on guys, shower.)
How morally reprehensible they are in-universe (do they have a justifiable reason for their actions)
How racist/sexist they are (against albinaurics, misbeggoten, omen, ext,ext.)
How crazy they are. (would they kill me during/after)
Most of my major turn ons are usually:
How stylish they are. (charisma factor.)
How kind to others they are in-universe. (Like, would they theoretically be a good romantic partner.)
How much of a personal bond they have with the player. (Sometimes loyalty to a specific character is just too strong to ignore.)
How crazy they are (It can be hot if utilized correctly.)
This is assuming each character is capable and willing to have sex, or willing NOT to kill you long enough to finish.
This is gonna be broken into multiple parts since it's so long.
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Let's go on an Elden Ring dating sim shall we?
INNELIGABLE :
Aurelia and Aureliette:
Reasoning: Are dead children.
Jar-Bairn:
Reasoning: Is a child filled with other dead children.
#91: (Last Place) The Three Fingers
Pros: None
Cons: Wants to burn the entire world.
Reasoning: The world is where people live, people that you can have sex with. Bottom of the list, easy. Two in the stink and also one in the stink because this thing sucks.
#90: Shabriri
Pros: Has the body of Yura.
Cons: Doesn't have the mind of Yura (Also wants to burn the entire world.)
Reasoning: Self explanatory. He wants to burn the world, he pretends to be a feminist to earn your trust, and he isn't even gonna use Yura's body to fuck. Absolutely pathetic.
#89: The Two Fingers
Pros: None
Cons: Level 5 Racist. Too Catholic, Boring.
Reasoning: These things spread the awful propaganda and agenda of the Golden Order and the Greater Will, two things that suck. It's not even a cool fleshy monsters, it just rotting mushrooms.
#88: The Loathsome Dung Eater
Pros: At least he's doing it to bad people???????
Cons: You know why.
Reasoning: He sucks. I'm all on board with the "kill all the bigots in power" thing he has going, but I mean... Jesus christ man.
#87: Sir Gideon Ofnir the All Knowing
Pros: None
Cons: Lied on his resume, also did multiple genocides.
Reasoning:
His style?
WHACK
His schemes?
WHACK
The way he steals your spells without fighting the bosses?
WHACK
The way he disrespects and gaslights Nepheli Loux after murdering her entire clan?
WHACK
The way he murdered all those albinaurics for an artifact they would had just HANDED to him if he asked nicely?
WHACK
The way he doesn't actually know anything?
WHACK
Is my pussy wet and wide open? NO!
I'M TIGHT AS FU-
#86: White Mask Varré
Pros: He's mean to you.
Cons: Covered in diseased bloody poop. Hates women.
Reasoning: This guy wants me to fight against the golden order, which I was already going to do anyway. He didn't need to kill all those maidens. Also he's covered in bloody diarrhea 24/7, that's canon.
#85: Nameless White Mask
Pros: Is exactly like Varré but doesn't talk.
Cons: Is exactly like Varré.
Reasoning: Is exactly like Varré but doesn't talk. Same thick layer bloody diarrhea coating his entire body, but now with 33% less Varré
#84: Pidia, Carian Servant
Pros: None
Cons: Is a mind controlling pervert.
Reasoning: This dude hides in the shadows and tries to make sex dolls out of innocent women like Ranni (despite the war crimes) and Nepheli Loux (despite the war crimes). He acts pitiful and preys on your sympathy while taking advantage of the vulnerable.
Honestly, incel behavior. 1,000 years jail.
#83: Sage Gowry
Pros: None
Cons: Weirdo
Reasoning: Honestly I'm fine with the whole "is a bug" thing. But if you told me an old man was "raising" young girls until they "blossom" I'd call the cops. And in the lands between the only cops are the Omen Killers, so it falls to me to raise my own blade and protect all the Scarlet-Rot-Lesbians™ myself.
#82: Preceptor Seluvis
Pros: Is not at fault, is just a mind controlled puppet.
Cons: Is a mind controlled mind controlling pervert.
Reasoning: He's basically just Pida in a big hat. The hat is rad, don't get me wrong, but not enough to forgive his fatal levels of heterosexuality.
#81: Maleigh Marais, Shaded Castle Castellan
Pros: Has a cool sword.
Cons: Is a toxic incel.
Reasoning: Wasted all his time and money simping for a woman who never even knew he existed. Lives in a diseased poisoned castle and his entire family line collapsed after one dude telekinetically stole their sword. Do you know how many dudes with telekinesis I have to put up with on a daily basis? Absolute loser.
#80: Bloody Finger Nerijus
Pros: Has a cool knife.
Cons: Is part of the blood-poop cult.
Reasoning: I like your knife dude, but please take a bath. We fought in a literal river, and you still couldn't dodge roll the stink off. I ain't fucking you again dude, stop asking.
#79: Inaba, Disciple of Okina
Pros: Is a samurai
Cons: Is a samurai covered in blood-poop and is a follower.
Reasoning: This guy had the chance to be cool, but got sucked into Mohgs(now Miquella's) blood-poop MLM pyramid scheme. And not by Mohg or even by Varré, but by OKINA of all people. This is the guy who gets stuck with 30 pallets of unsellable leggings and a crippling gambling addiction.
#78: Bloody Finger Okina
Pros: Is a samurai
Cons: Is a samurai covered in blood-poop
Reasoning: Dude, you could literally be doing ANY other samurai shit right now but you are just killing random people on a desolate snowy mountain-top in the name of a mind controlled loser who already forgot your name. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow.
#77: Sanguine Noble
Pros: Is at least trying
Cons: Is part of the blood-poop cult.
Reasoning: Exact same as Nerijus but at least he helps lead you to Mohgs palace. He gets like 5 more seconds of consideration before I dump him.
#76: Esgar, Priest of Blood
Pros: Likes Dogs
Cons: Is part of the blood-poop cult.
Reasoning: Hey at least he has dogs. Dogs covered in blood-poop but a dog is a dog.
#75: Necromancer Garris
Pros: None
Cons: Is a bad dad.
Reasoning: Don't make a flail out of your family's skulls. It's not goth, it's murder. (and even if they are just made to RESEMBLE his family it's still creepy. You ain't daddy, you ain't even a dad.)
#74: Flame Guardian
Pros: None
Cons: You forgot this guy existed right?
Reasoning: Not wearing appropriate PPE for his job. Uses a torch-pole in an endgame area, and is a mindless follower to a spin off religion of a spin off religion of a fake religion. It's like he WANTS to be forgotten by the wikis.
#73: Chief Guardian Arghanthy
Pros: Has a shield that is also a gun.
Cons: Loyal to a fake religion.
Reasoning: The fire monks are some of the biggest losers in the Lands between. Oh you dedicate your life to protecting the dumb catholic tree from the fire that literally NEVER dies out? It's like Sisyphus but he wasn't sexy.
#72: Rileigh the Idle
Pros: Is a goth assassin
Cons: Is a catholic goth assassin
Reasoning: The confessors all suck. They sneak around and kill innocent people on behalf of the Golden Order. How can you run around holding the stinger of an actual god and still believe in a totally different god who left for milk and never came back? Take off the crepus vial and make some noise while we fuck, honestly.
#71: Inquisitor Ghiza
Pros: Has a cool weapon
Cons: Got kicked out of two loser cults.
Reasoning: He was too much of a loser for Castle Marais, and then tries to kill you even if you join the Recusants. Dude, i'm on your side, put down the pizza cutter.
#70: Gatekeeper Gostoc
Pros: None
Cons: Robs from poor, gives to self.
Reasoning: Imagine Patches with zero rizz. I ain't fucking this dude, he feels like he lives in his parents basement, but is also not paying them rent.
#69: (Nice) Master Lustat
Pros: Sellen Approves of him.
Cons: Is made of rock and is probably dead.
Reasoning: Back in the day, when he WASN'T a rock, he was probably a stuffy old codger who cared more about magic than people. But if Sellen approves, I'd take him over anyone else lower on this list.
#68: Ensha The Royal Remains
Pros: Is goth
Cons: Is loyal to Gideon, emotionally unavailable.
Reasoning: Look, we are finally getting to characters I might actually sleep with. But being goth only gets you so far. You work for Gideon? You try to kill me when you could just let me open up the Haigtree path and follow? Do you have any original thoughts in your head? You can't be goth AND be shackled to the system man.
#67: Primeval Sorcerer Azur
Pros: Feels chill, Sellen Approves.
Cons: Is made of rock and is probably dead.
Reasoning: Same as Lustat, but I just get better vibes from him. Maybe it's the green tone of his crystals, maybe it's the cool spell he gives, but honestly, it's probably because he's in the Hermit Village, where misguided but well meaning Sorcerers are at least TRYING to reach out to the Demi-humans. Who knows, maybe he was chill.
#66: Finger Maiden Therolina
Pros: I could fix her
Cons: Can't be fixed.
Reasoning: She's a mindless puppet and that's sad. It's too late for a real relationship, but call me crazy, a tarnished without a maiden, a maiden without a tarnished... there could have been something there... two ships passing in the night I guess.
Ranking All Shadow of the Erdtree Bosses and NPC's by Fuckability.
It's finally time. The sequel to the 2nd worst post I've ever made.
I 100%-ed the DLC and it was fantastic. Time to find out which new characters are the most fuckable.
In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with (if possible) and are not actively trying to kill you (Unless killing you makes it sexier).
Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate. Bosses that already appeared in the Base game are not counted.
It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.
Explanation of Grading system:
Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)
These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.
Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)
Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.
Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)
These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.
Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)
I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?
Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)
These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.
Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)
These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.
Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)
These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.
Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)
These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.
Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)
These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.
Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.
Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)
Ralva the Great Red Bear:
Animal
Rugalea the Great Red Bear:
Animal
Ghostflame Dragon:
Undead, probably not capable of sex.
Golden Hippopotamus:
Animal
Swordhand of Night Anna:
She is a hot goth knight, but is a mind controlled puppet.
Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)
Promised Consort Radahn + Radahn Consort of Miquella:
Radahn is just a mind-controlled corpse, and Miquella is a little bitch, so they are both ineligible. Honestly who tries to become a god but also ditches their inner goth girl? St. Trina deserved better.
Scadutree Avatar:
Theoretically capable of sex, but is made of pure anger and thorns.
Fire Knight Salza:
War criminal, even by Elden Ring terms so you KNOW it's bad.
Jori, Elder Inquisitor:
Creepy torturer and hypocrite, thinks sex is a sin and I plan for him to die sinless.
Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)
Curseblade Labirith:
Too devoted to being a monk to care.
Midra Lord of Frenzied Flame:
He's going through a LOT right now. He just got dumped AND he is being tortured for eternity while also containing a god of madness in his body, just leave the poor man alone.
Blackgaol Knight:
In another life he'd fuck like semi truck, but as of right now he's taken a vow to be a wet blanket alone in a mausoleum.
Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)
Chief Bloodfiend:
Too goopy and covered in diseased blood, but is still up for it if you are.
Putrescent Knight:
On one hand it's melting skeleton made up of thousands of merged souls... but on the other hand if you managed to get the consent and each and every soul I bet you could PROBABLY do something.
Lamenter:
Throw him one pity fuck and then run, he's clingy and a whiner.
Death Knight:
Is mostly just a skeleton, and whatever flesh is still there is probably rotting... but he does have some rizz and cool wings... goth guys can still get it.
Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)
Black Knight Garrew:
A highly trained knight, probably has good stamina but is also a fanatic to a creepy cult.
Black Knight Edredd:
Is also a highly trained knight, probably has good stamina but is also a fanatic to a creepy cult... but he does know crucible incantations... he might have some weird animal stuff you can get him to use in bed.
Rakshasa:
She's covered in blood and is overflowing with bloodlust... but lust and bloodlust are in the same neighborhood if you know what to do.
Divine Beast Dancing Lion:
If those two guys in there aren't rotting corpses... Fucking two guys inside a scary lion costume is an above average Tuesday night.
Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)
Logur, the Beast Claw:
A nude man covered in blood is running at you on all fours... you are either about to die or have a WILD night.
Ancient Dragon Senessax:
A very average dragon, but all dragons have a baseline fuckability so she's up here.
Jagged Peak Drake:
Drakes are slightly less fuckable than dragons, but if you don't think I'd willing be double teamed by two dragons while Igon watches, you clearly don't know me.
Ancient Dragon-Man:
All the perks of dragon sex but in a much more portable package.
Demi-Human Swordmaster Onze:
Normally Demi-humans are more cute than sexy, but this guy dedicated his life to the blade, you should be helping him make up for lost time.
Count Ymir, Mother of Fingers:
He's a delusional asshole... but he smacks of gender™ in a very submissive and breedable manner. A man who wants to be a mother and has giant fleshy fingers growing out of his body? It will be uncomfortable and deeply personal... but you GOTTA try it at least once, the LGBTQ community is depending on you.
Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)
Red Bear:
All the raw sex appeal of Logur but with 25% more daddy energy.
Moonrithyll, Carian Knight:
Listen we have all been sleeping on Moonrithyll when we should be sleeping WITH her. She is the chamberlain to Rellana (as in head bedroom attendant) which means she is an actual #girlboss and there must be insane wizard lesbian sex behind closed doors. Not only that but she is beloved by the trolls and can fight on equal terms with the carian troll knights, who are no doubt getting sucked and fucked by her nightly. She's just a normal human but she is blowing out the backs of demigods and giants alike. She is struggling to keep her head above water and that water is pussy.
Commander Gaius:
Ok so here me out: He is an asshole, and violent, and a fanatic who serves the very order that discriminates against him... but all you have to do is mention that Radahn is better in bed than him. With this one simple trick he will have you bent over the back of his boar making sure he won't be the only one who can't use their legs after. He is pure rage and he will not stop until he has make you cum more times than Radahn ever has. Trust me, this happened to me, video games are real.
Dancer of Ranah:
Infinite stamina, enough said.
Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)
Rellana Twin Moon Knight:
I want you to imagine Rennala, a normal woman who was able to satisfy Radagon/Marika, the sluttiest possible duo in the entire history of the lands between. Now imagine Rennala at full power, no depression, no hanging out in her basement mourning her failed marriage... now imagine Rennala 18% more goth and holding two magic swords. She will fuck you into space and then fuck you back to planet earth. Now imagine being bisexual.
Messmer the Impaler + Base Serpent Messmer:
I have slowly grown to love this sad bishounen anime boy more and more as I learn about his pathetic little life. He seems all mean and firey, but he is a bottom. (and his snakes are not) I wanna make him squeal and then get him therapy and then for good measure make him squel again.
Romina, Saint of the Bud:
A sleeper hit, but she is a mean insect lady with a giant prehensile centipede tail. She is like a xenomorph queen but a pink pastel goth rather than a vampire goth. She will wrap you up in that giant tail of hers and get straight to the egg laying. If you haven't considered it before, then you will now.
Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)
Metyr, Mother of Fingers:
Look... you WILL die after doing this, but she has a giant stomach full of squirming wet fingers and she is basically a big pile of dicks. Get naked, jump into her gaping stomach and die happy. That's an order from your commanding officer, now do your duty and serve your country.
Bayle the Dread:
I hate this dragon, he is responsible for the steady decline in dragon sex appeal, he hurt my Igon, and I can't explain why but I feel like he is sexist somehow. BUT... a dragon is a dragon. If Igon asks me to double team this guy I legally can't say no.
BONUS: Ranking the new NPC's from worst to best in terms of fuckability:
#13: Fire Knight Queenlign:
Somehow, his haircut is more of a turn-off than the war crimes he committed in the name of a god who doesn't even know he exists, which is not a good sign.
#12: Hornsent Grandam:
Normally I would give GILFs a pass to live their life and fuck as little or as much as they want. But she is the type to slut shame other women and as a feminist I cannot stand idly by.
#11: Hornsent
In another life he'd be a decent lay. He had a wife and a child so he has had sex at least once. In a pinch I can forgive the blind self destructive quest for vengeance, but I draw the line as soiled loincloths. You're an adult Hornsent, so act like it.
#10: Moore
My sweet little pot boy... If it came to sex I'd like to imagine that he is attentive and gentle, with his armor clattering around the whole time because he is too scared to take it off entirely. But he is too sweet and you honestly don't deserve him. He needs to be romanced, swept off his feet by a loyal and supportive partner and let's face it, you aren't at a place in your life where you can be all that he needs.
#9: Thoiller
The pillow princess to end all pillow princesses. He is a simp, he's submissive, he's breedable, he's a sopping wet pathetic little meow meow. Tumblr, THIS is the man you keep saying you want, now get in there and impregnate this man as the prophecies foretold.
#8: St. Trina
She's a plant at this point and probably isn't up for sex. (And a disembodied essence of love from a corrupted demigod) But I KNOW for a fact you kept imbibing her nectar more than you needed to. She just likes to watch as you and Thoiller get high and flop around in the putrescences. Lore says St. Trina was a fully grown woman at some point, and not just a weird little plant person, so in her prime she probably had a weird sleepy plant orgy with her followers.
#7: Redmane Freyja:
On paper she is the tragic butch sword lesbian we need but don't deserve. A prisoner who earned her freedom and rank through brutal gladiatorial combat, a loyal knight to a fallen demigod, and a big buff lady who can step on you. But in practice she still sides with Leda after breaking free of the mind control, and lets Miquella control her lords body like a toy. Come on Freyja, where is your fire? Your rage? Suplex Leda and fuck your way across the lands between as did your forefathers.
#6: Swordhand of Night Jolan:
She's a mean goth girl with a tragic past and a desperate need to be loved. I could fix her.
#5: Sir Ansbach
He easily earned his place in the top 5. He's running from a tragic past, he is trying to be a better person, he has all the sex appeal of Varre' but actually bathes, and he is a GILF. In practice he probably isn't the BEST in bed, but he is rather romancable. He can still get it, since he was a highly trained warrior in the past, but I see myself cuddling him as he somberly adjusts his glasses and stares out the window. Don't get me wrong there is still a LOT of sweaty blood sex but he knows what he is doing and understands what soap is.
#4: Igon
He's a screamer. Broken legs, dirty armor, doesn't matter. The warriors code demands that we look into each other's eyes as we both cum. That is the only honorable way.
#3: Needle Knight Leda
She sucks. She willingly follows a loser wannabe god, and it's not even the mind control, she is just like that™ already. She is so bad at socializing with rational people who are already on her side that she jumps to murder without hesitation. She even killed all the first Needle Knights just cuz of her own paranoia. She should be at the bottom of this list... but a yandere is a yandere. It would be creepy, uncomfortable and she'd be very demanding and probably bite you in a very non-sexy way. But it would still be some of the best sex you'll ever have. You'd regret it just as much as you'd enjoy it, and you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
#2: Dragon Communion Priestess Florissax:
Lovelorn dragon lady who wants me to eat other dragons in a very sensual manner. I am not immune and neither are you.
#1: Dryleaf Dane
After that brush, he is distant. His training is cold and impersonal, he throws himself into his prayers, dedicating every waking moment to meditation. He sought to turn his flesh to iron, so why is the flesh so weak around you?
Hear me out. He's religious, he is dedicated to his cause, he tries to kill you, and he doesn't even say a word to you.
BUT.
Imagine what happens when you finally get him to break.
He is your master, teaching you in the dryleaf arts, the two of you sparring atop a waterfall and bruising your knuckles more and more with each strike. The two of you meditate together, seeking inner peace to further your warriors spirit. He is stoic, his heart closed off to you and his mind focused on his holy mission.
But he is temped, you can see it in his eyes, in the way he watches over you when you are hurt, the soft way his fist unclench after a battle, and the thick layer of sweat you share after sparring. Together you are hardening your bodies to become living weapons, but bodies are not only used for violence, and the two of you cannot ignore the tension that grows with each day, your bodies intertwining during a particularly heated duel, grappling turning slowly to wanton exploration. He comes to his senses right before it crosses the line and you see the fear in his eyes as he pulls away from you. But you wouldn't have stopped him and he knows it from the pleased expression on your face as you lie on your back, defeated.
When it finally happens, you are sparring, leaving nothing behind. You shed your armor to let the movements flow without hindrance and so does he, conflict apparent upon his face. You trade blow after blow, your bodies raw and sore but still you don't let up. The sun is setting and neither of you will relent, sweat coating every inch and the roar of the waterfall drowning out every thought that isn't dedicated to this battle.
He is getting sloppy, his eyes transfixed not on your fists but your face. A poorly placed sweep to your legs leaves him wide open and you go for the maneuver neither of you have attempted since the close encounter that frightened him so.
He struggles, pushing your arms and legs away fruitlessly as his exhaustion drains away his years of practice. Soon you are pinning him to the wet ground on the riverbed, his hair wild and his hat flung far out of arms reach. He looks like a cornered animal in your grasp, eyes bulging and his breathing haggard. You can only look down upon your former master with a gleeful hunger, his body already more familiar to you than your own.
In a moment of understanding you see the hesitation drain from eyes. He knows what he wants, and he is done denying it. You grab his face roughly and kiss him more violently than any punch you have thrown. He returns in kind and all the exhaustion seems to leave his body as he sits up and wraps both arms around you firmly, desperate to make up for lost time, his holy mission only to worship your body and the unbreakable bond you have forged in sweat and blood.
And then you bone.
We have all imagined that exact scenario, haven't we? I have yet to meet a Fromsoft fan who hasn't described that fantasy to me word for word without hesitation. I am just saying what we were all thinking.
(Pictured: a man I would fuck until he renounces his god.)
This is just a joke. Demon blood offers temporary healing and regenerative properties when a human drinks it, so any damage sustained during a demonic encounter is easy to fix.
And yes, the guy had to specifically REGENERATE his dick because you KNOW our girl Mercor swallows.
She has nothing and everything going on in her head at all times. (She's ancient immortal full of arcane knowledge, but also she got locked out of her own building for three days because she kept pulling on a push door.)
She's eight feet tall, can crush atoms with her finger tips, has ripped the heads off of gods and kings alike, and she still eats cold ravioli straight out of the can because she's too scared to use a stove.
She's such a dumb little loser I love her and you are legally required to as well.
Below the cut is some slightly more body-horror-y sketches exploring exactly how her "skin" works. (She's actually made of crystals and her outer skin regrows whenever she needs it.)
Don't worry she's fine.
Burra is one of the oldest living demons to date (second only to Lacero and maybe Fetico) And as demons get older, their bodies crystallize. Their shapeshifting powers allow them to grow a fleshy outer layer whenever they want, but it can slough off with wear and tear. (and Burra is a very active demon. She's too busy making love, eating the still-beating hearts of billionaires, and getting her hand stuck inside pickle jars.)
Let me know if you want to see more of my dorky demon OCs, I got way too many doodles of them.
VERSION 2.0 of my horror visual novel Mother's Favorite is live right now!
An unnamed virus, a family of broken robots, and one lonely girl.
This has been 4 years in the making! This version of the demo covers 1/3rd of the total game and gives a pretty good slice of the atmosphere, characters and story.
The demo is free to play with a 'pay what you want' option.
It would mean the world to me if this was shared around and given constructive criticism if possible.
Please note this game is a horror game and is not suitable for all audiences. A full list of content warnings are available on the itch.io page for those interested.
I am honored and humbled by all the people who have stuck with the project this long and have contacted me about their interest!
