#ft ryan

[adriftwoods]

so I did the 👌 hand thing to ryan and they stuck two fingers into the hole part and i tightened my grasp on them and they said “when ur girl sneezes” so how are y’all doing

[adriftwoods]

my intestines: *making sounds they really shouldn’t*

me:

[adriftwoods]

so my 18th birthday is on the 27th of this month and i have like no plans for it lol.

but my sibling is also turning 16 in september, and my dad just called them down to talk about what they want to do to celebrate. so ryan went out of their way to come to my room and say “so,, IM more important than u >:)”

the kicker, however, is that theyre just flexing bc theyre the middle sibling and have never been important

[adriftwoods]

so we are eating dinner and the tv is just on this hgtv show about epic beach houses or something and my sibling just pipes up and says “top houses i would like to mysteriously drown in” like the internet goblin they are

[adriftwoods]

we are sitting at the dinner table. my dad says to me, “show me your wrist exercises when you’re done.” my dad is talking about a routine i recently started to help improve my performance in bowling.

my goblin 15 year old sibling is sitting next to me. they hear the words “wrist exercises” and immediately, no hesitation, launch into a gesture involving a popular masturbation technique.

@twinksdinkedinranch reportedly does not regret their actions, despite the fact that both my mother and father are disgusted and revolted by their relation to such a creature.

[adriftwoods]

one time ryan busted into my room and, speaking to me for the first time that day, said “hey. do you like the idea of cartoon characters murdering each other?”

this was the best way they could think of to introduce me to a web comic called “scoob and shag”

[whenusleepxo]

dallondallondallondallondallon [vibrating so hard i overheat and die]