Fear
Fuck spiders!
Dark nights,thunder, crowds, and strangers.
Birds, death... my mother.
All of these things scare the shit out of me.
According to google, fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is likely to cause pain or a threat.
Some of these are considered irrational.
What's in between the cracks of the sidewalk, closed shower curtains, dryer lint, flushing airplane toilets, and elevators.
An irrational fear is, a persistent and abnormal fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
I would really like to meet the dude that chooses what's irrational and what actually constitutes fear. Also who the fuck assigns that shit,I have some ideas to pass by them.
And of course when speaking about fear their are phobias.
Philophobia, the phobia of being loved.
Being hurt. Of believing that someone can actually care for you. Just waiting to become an inconvenience. That it all might be a lie. The fear of them hating you eventually.
Monophobia, the phobia of being alone. Of not having anyone there that will love and cherish you. Scared that something might happen in your solitude. Living for nothing no one living for you.
These might be remedied with a dog, cat, or even a mouse. Anything to fill the void, poetry, eating, drinking till the last drop of gin is gone. Waiting for your new friend to get bored. To lose interest. Or losing interest in yourself. A count down until you're all alone again..
After all who wants to be alone even in your own head.
Wanting to escape this empty room that only contains you, maybe you'll find solace in another reality. Being to afraid to pull the trigger, to afraid to leave the comfort of that room, to afraid to die. Thanatophobia...
No amount of therapy, animals or a combination of the two ever seems to work. Always fearing your own destruction. Ruining relationship after relationship. To afraid to let them end, even more afraid to let them begin.
Being lied to, cheated, and eventually broken.
Lying, cheating, and eventually breaking.
Never being able to evaluate my own self worth, never bothering to evaluate anyone else's.
The constant worry of friends and family. Pitying your lonely existence.
So they get you the puppy for christmas, rent the movie and spend the night, try and set you up.
Eventually sparky runs away, the movie ends and they go home, the date doesn't go very well.
But no matter how scared I get, how alone I feel, or how many paws run across my broken heart.
I will never stop looking.
I will never stop looking, for that person place or thing that will climb my mountains of fear and plant the flag of peace.
I will keep searching until I can become fearless. Until the irrational fears become distant memories, and the phobias dancing around in my head lose all their music and rhythm.
I will continue to go on those dates that usually end in one night stands, rent every movie redbox has to offer. Search every pound for sparky.
I will not let my fears rule me.
I will however keep fighting, trying, and looking until I conquer my fears.
Until I find you.
